Am I a rude friend or am I the only mom of the group?

[Samafe]

Last week I was one of the bridesmaids at a wonderful wedding. I am now 8 months pregnant and have a DS which is 2yo. DH was also invited. The wedding was abroad, so I brought my DS with us.

I was the only one with kids amongst my friends at that wedding. (All college friends, last time I saw them all together was pre covid).

As bridesmaid I had few "duties" before, during and after the ceremony and I paid big attention to do everything that was requested - leaving DS to DH so that he would not create any disruption.

The rest of the time, DH and I both looked at DS, which is a very active toddler so he was running around, asking for me etc. I did my best to dedicate time and attention to my friends but often failed because I had to go run after my DS, or help him eat, etc.

Also being 8 months pregnant, I tried to avoid the overcroded areas inside and preferred sitting outside to lower covid risk - while they were always gathering around the wine area which was super loud and crowded.

We left the wedding at 11.45 PM, while the wedding went on until 4 AM with Disco Music etc.

During the day I noticed my friends being irritated by the fact that I had sometimes to cut discussions short because DS was calling me, or irritated because the buggy was "ruining" the pictures, my dress was dirty at the end of the evening because the cake landed on it etc.
Please Note all the comments never came from the bride, only from other guests.

The day after, I contacted my friends if we wanted to meet for breakfast (we were all staying in the same hotel) and they were really cold. We met anyway and they told me I was rude, I was always distracted by my DS, I am not the same person I was before having kids, I should have stayed with them until 4 AM instead of cutting the night short, I was ruining pictures because I was always carring around my purse, I should have sit down with them inside instead of sitting outside in the garden, my bridesmaid dress was a mess etc

I was honestly really surprised to hear that, It was the first time spending time with them since a while, I normally hang out more with other friends with kids and never had problems.

I apologized to them but felt really alone and sad.

I wonder now: was I really rude? Should I have handled this differently?

My DH thinks that once they will have kids they will look back at that wedding night and realize I did the best I could, but I am afraid I am maybe so used to be a mom that I did not realize I was behaving poorly.

I think you could have dealt with the two year old better and perhaps some of that irritated them more which meant they also mentioned the things that you couldn’t really control which was being 8 months pregnant and not being able to party the night away til 4am.

I actually think some of what you did was quite rude. Not staying up till 4am is a ridiculous thing for them to comment on as many people don't want to do that but really I feel if you agreed to be bridesmaid your DH should have ensured your DS wasn't interrupting you and no reason the buggy should have been in photos.

Buggy and a big purse shouldn't have been in photos. You should have taken care not to get your bridesmaid dress dirty, and it's not nice to cut short conversations for a demanding child.

However, it's not the end of the world either.

It's shame they couldn't just give you the benefit of the doubt and understand your situation.

If your friends can't have a good time without your undivided attention then that reflects on them. They need to grow up.

@godmum56 before I had kids I was NEVER jealous of women run ragged with childen and I loved partying til 4am. I definitely didn't feel their life was more important or valuable than mine! What a bullshit comment to make.

@Winter2020

If your friends can't have a good time without your undivided attention then that reflects on them. They need to grow up.

I think you e misread the op or misunderstood? They haven’t said they can’t have a good time without her. They have said she was rude.

Sorry just noticed buggy wasn't in the official photos so a total non issue IMO

@PurpleDaisies I think the vast majority of childless people have no idea of how much your entire life changes and shifts when you have children - practically, emotionally, (physically for women) etc

I think childless people, 'think' they know how having children can impact on your life but until they have experienced it, it's all theoretical. They will have that 'penny drop' moment of 'Oh that's why Samafe went to bed at 11:30 .......'

[quote Pipsquiggle]@PurpleDaisies I think the vast majority of childless people have no idea of how much your entire life changes and shifts when you have children - practically, emotionally, (physically for women) etc

I think childless people, 'think' they know how having children can impact on your life but until they have experienced it, it's all theoretical. They will have that 'penny drop' moment of 'Oh that's why Samafe went to bed at 11:30 .......'[/quote]
How patronising.

Yanbu but was your DS invited to the wedding/were children definitely welcome?

@PurpleDaisies it might be patronising but it's also true.

They're the rude ones!

I would have been in bed by midnight even before kids!

I'd contact them and say "yes, you're not the person you were before kids, you've grown and you're proud of the person you've become. It's not rude to attend to your own child when he speaks to you as it wouldn't be to listen to anyone else and particularly in a setting where it isn't appropriate for him to be disruptive or left to his own devices anyway, you're heavily pregnant and tired, they can f off about the dirty dress too!

[quote Pipsquiggle]@PurpleDaisies I think the vast majority of childless people have no idea of how much your entire life changes and shifts when you have children - practically, emotionally, (physically for women) etc

I think childless people, 'think' they know how having children can impact on your life but until they have experienced it, it's all theoretical. They will have that 'penny drop' moment of 'Oh that's why Samafe went to bed at 11:30 .......'[/quote]
Completely agree

Joining in those querying @godmum56's pretty rude comments - you don't know any of the parties involved, why does OP as a mum have "more in her life" and "more of worth" than her friends - who could be human rights lawyers or have their own caring responsibilities!

OP I think it would help having more information - I voted YANBU because a lot of their expectations seemed completely over the top BUT I do agree with other posters - if you were having a conversation why would you have to end it just because your DS was calling you? Unless he was hurt, your DH was there with him, I don't see why you couldn't finish your conversation. Same with the buggy - if it's the normal candid photos they ABU, but if you actually brought the buggy to the official 'bride and bridesmaid' posed shots then that is really weird and I would comment. Although I would say at the time 'Why are you holding the buggy, move it out of the way for just a sec!' rather than moaning about you after.

[quote Albgo]@PurpleDaisies it might be patronising but it's also true. [/quote]
You think people without children have no lie who someone who does might go to be earlier? That they will need a “penny drop” moment?

Your "friends" sound like absolute nightmares tbh op, how dare they tell you how you should and shouldn't socialise, when you should parent your child and when you shouldn't!. I find this shockingly rude! Had they been my friends, id have sent them away with the biggest round of fucks they'd had in their lives.

I bet once they have their own kids they'll be kicking themselves..

@PurpleDaisies - I think you are right, what I wrote was patronising but also true.

The candid photos were the best of the photos at my DD's wedding, and just as important as the posed ones. So a buggy and a bridesmaid with a handbag shouldn't have been part of them.

I'm a big fan of kids at weddings, but to be honest, your bridesmaid duties should have come first, and getting food down your dress is really a bit grim. You DH really should have been on FT DC duty, even if you didn't have a specific job to do at times. Yes, he was a guest in his own right, but you had a role, and it was a day long role.

Having a go at you for not staying up until 4am is just ridiculous though.

[quote Pipsquiggle]@PurpleDaisies - I think you are right, what I wrote was patronising but also true.[/quote]
You don’t think people without kids are capable of understanding why someone with them would go to bed early?

You ate seriously underestimating what you’ve picked up if you haven’t had children later in life. It’s not that same as when you’re twenty without kids. You’ve seen your friends struggle, supported them through all sorts, listened, cared etc. These friends were shit friends for expecting the op to stay up late but plenty of mums have agreed that the op could have handled things better.

@godmum56

I see a bit of left behind jealousy here....NOT absolutely not from the OP. Because you have moved on to another stage.....you have got more in your life, more of worth, than the teenage "looks are everything and party all night" thing. That's fine...it never stops being fine if you want it but you have got more and its maybe something they wish they had.

Yes, I’m sure those women were absolutely seething with jealousy when observing the op who couldn’t have an adult conversation without her child interrupting, whose clothes were dirtied by the child and whose husband seemed incapable of acting like a parent and looking after his own child. I’d say they’re all doing their best to get knocked up and live this life full of worth ever since. How astute of you to realise this.

What a bunch of absolute bitches.

Especially expecting you to party till 4am when 8 months pregnant. Absolutely ridiculous.

Wow I can't believe the criticism you are getting here! I'm picturing the friends from Muriel's wedding they sound so bitchy and intolerant of friends being different from them. Many people would have turned down the invitation or being bridesmaid at 8 months pregnant and especially abroad and during covid, so the fact that you made the effort buys you some slack I would think!
As for the comments about the dh, I'm imagining if she'd posted "AIBU to expect DH to do every single bit of childcare at a wedding he is also invited to and also has friends at because I am a bridesmaid. Not just during bridesmaid duties or formal sections of the day but the whole time. AIBU not to expect dh to allow ds to come and talk to me even though he can see his mummy at the event and is far too young to understand wedding etiquette.' OP would have been roasted on here and probably called a bridesmaidzilla!

Seriously, who cares if buggies and purses are in non official photos? And well done to the posters who have perfectly behaved children at the age of 2 and never accidentally drop food on themselves!

I'm interested to know if your 'friends' are speaking for the bride here, or just themselves- I presume the bride would have too many people to talk to to care if you went outside for a while as long as you didn't miss key events!

Another one who thinks they were BVU in expecting you to stay out till 4am or expecting you to be in the bar area - but I do think feeding your DS, chasing after him and interrupting conversations to deal with him when your DH was there and presumably capable of doing those things is a bit unreasonable.

Wow that's awful of them. Of course you have changed a little because your main priorities are your child and unborn child. There was nothing you could have done differently at all. I'd avoid them all for a while. I'm pretty sure when they have children, they'll realise how ridiculous they were. I'm sorry they treated you this way.