Am I a rude friend or am I the only mom of the group?

[Samafe]

Last week I was one of the bridesmaids at a wonderful wedding. I am now 8 months pregnant and have a DS which is 2yo. DH was also invited. The wedding was abroad, so I brought my DS with us.

I was the only one with kids amongst my friends at that wedding. (All college friends, last time I saw them all together was pre covid).

As bridesmaid I had few "duties" before, during and after the ceremony and I paid big attention to do everything that was requested - leaving DS to DH so that he would not create any disruption.

The rest of the time, DH and I both looked at DS, which is a very active toddler so he was running around, asking for me etc. I did my best to dedicate time and attention to my friends but often failed because I had to go run after my DS, or help him eat, etc.

Also being 8 months pregnant, I tried to avoid the overcroded areas inside and preferred sitting outside to lower covid risk - while they were always gathering around the wine area which was super loud and crowded.

We left the wedding at 11.45 PM, while the wedding went on until 4 AM with Disco Music etc.

During the day I noticed my friends being irritated by the fact that I had sometimes to cut discussions short because DS was calling me, or irritated because the buggy was "ruining" the pictures, my dress was dirty at the end of the evening because the cake landed on it etc.
Please Note all the comments never came from the bride, only from other guests.

The day after, I contacted my friends if we wanted to meet for breakfast (we were all staying in the same hotel) and they were really cold. We met anyway and they told me I was rude, I was always distracted by my DS, I am not the same person I was before having kids, I should have stayed with them until 4 AM instead of cutting the night short, I was ruining pictures because I was always carring around my purse, I should have sit down with them inside instead of sitting outside in the garden, my bridesmaid dress was a mess etc

I was honestly really surprised to hear that, It was the first time spending time with them since a while, I normally hang out more with other friends with kids and never had problems.

I apologized to them but felt really alone and sad.

I wonder now: was I really rude? Should I have handled this differently?

My DH thinks that once they will have kids they will look back at that wedding night and realize I did the best I could, but I am afraid I am maybe so used to be a mom that I did not realize I was behaving poorly.

@MaMelon

Another one who thinks they were BVU in expecting you to stay out till 4am or expecting you to be in the bar area - but I do think feeding your DS, chasing after him and interrupting conversations to deal with him when your DH was there and presumably capable of doing those things is a bit unreasonable.

What if DH was also trying to have a conversation? Does he nor get to do that all day at a friends wedding he has travelled abroad to attend just because his wife has some special status? If I understand rightly they are talking about conversations with other friends who are there, not the bride, so I'm not sure why that trumps the DHs conversations every time?

@PurpleDaisies I think we agree on a lot of points and we disagree on a few.

OP could have handled it better.
Her friends could have been a lot more empathetic. The going to bed early, I suspect, was a minor point of the day and part of the overall narrative of being at different stages in their lives. This empathy will increase, for this situation, once they have children.

Let's agree to disagree. Have a nice evening

Anyone who comments that a 2 year old is "rude" for interrupting an adult conversation has either forgotten what it is like to have a 2 year old or has completely ridiculous expectations of how a two year old is capable of behaving and what insight they have (very little)

Your friends are being completely rude and unreasonable however it's not really that surprising because most people that don't have kids or have never been pregnant can't comprehend what it is like. The sooner they are in a similar position and realise how massive a task it is to even leave the house with a 2 year old whilst 8 months pregnant, never mind going abroad, attending a wedding AND doing bridesmaid duties THEN being chastised for not staying late enough?

If they were my friends I could tell them to p*ss right off tbh

Simplelobsterhat her dh wasn't in the wedding party though. She ended up feeding him.and he got cake all over her bridesmaids dress that's pretty bad really especially when there's photos it sounds like she was anti social and the limited time she did speak she's stopped to see her toddler.

* What if DH was also trying to have a conversation? Does he nor get to do that all day at a friends wedding he has travelled abroad to attend just because his wife has some special status?*

My partner would have looked after the child all day. OPs husband didn’t do a good job at all.

I took it that these were the OP's friends, given she was the bridesmaid and her DH was also invited - that, to me, reads they are more part of her social circle from college. As she has a key role then imo his job was to look after their DS and allow her to play that role.

I'm not defending the friends as I clearly said, but I imagine they were hoping she'd be more involved with the friend group and less with her DS for one day (esp as her DH was there).

They are rude
I can’t stand by and take this crap anymore and would text the lot of them telling them that actually they are the rude ones, taking no notice of the fact that you are 8 months pregnant with a small child and you look forward to an apology for their behaviour towards you

If it’s not forthcoming dump any move on.

The only thing that comes across as rude, from what you have described, is allowing your child to interrupt your conversations with your friends.

This is my number one reason for cutting down the amount of time I spend with friends who have DC. I come away from such meetings wondering why the friend in question wanted to meet, as neither of us could complete a full sentence.

So many friends with DC supposedly want to catch up, however, what actually happens is I am a spare part who is forced to observe while the friend in question carries out performance parenting.

I am six months pregnant myself, and I suppose in some ways it's useful that I left it until my late 30s, as I know what definitely not to do if I want to stay friends with my friends who are still child free. It's also why I won't be posting a single thing about this kid on social media, as I know that endless child updates are the fastest way to get friends without kids to hit unfollow.

@MaMelon

I took it that these were the OP's friends, given she was the bridesmaid and her DH was also invited - that, to me, reads they are more part of her social circle from college. As she has a key role then imo his job was to look after their DS and allow her to play that role.

I'm not defending the friends as I clearly said, but I imagine they were hoping she'd be more involved with the friend group and less with her DS for one day (esp as her DH was there).

The op said "he was invited as well as a friend of the groom. He also had some rights of enjoying the party and meet his friends." It's hard to say if he pulled his weight or not without being there but I've been a bridesmaid with a 3yo dd and whilst my dh and mil did indeed take the lead on childcare I didn't expect to be separate from my dd the whole time! I wouldn't be that mean to her for a start.

I have young kids but I would not take them to a wedding. Your friend has one special day. I'm not chancing it with a toddler.

I also wouldn't want a buggy in my wedding pics or anywhere disrupting the scene. I wouldn't like the neediness of young kids there

However!

She should've put "no kids" if that's the case!

Write it all down

Then go back to them when they’ve had kids!!

@Icecreamsoda99

Buggy and bag were NOT part of any official photos. They were only part of the "candid" ones.

Are these friends posting on Instagram OP? If so that be the issue, you ruined the aesthetic

I suspect it could be this.

Who looked after your DS (or DD, who knows) when your husband was carrying out his duties as best man?

What a bunch of tossers your "friends" sound. I would part ways with those in any of this totally unreasonable remarks/comments

People trying to get you to stay up with dull drunks when tired and bored out of your skull are up there with war criminals imo.

@DumplingsAndStew

Who looked after your DS (or DD, who knows) when your husband was carrying out his duties as best man?

Her DH wasn't best man and the OP literally says DS SEVEN times in the post.

@Bananarama21

Simplelobsterhat her dh wasn't in the wedding party though. She ended up feeding him.and he got cake all over her bridesmaids dress that's pretty bad really especially when there's photos it sounds like she was anti social and the limited time she did speak she's stopped to see her toddler.

Did she actually say her ds was the one that dropped the cake or she was feeding him? She just said cake got on her dress at the end of the evening (so I assume after any important photos ). Anyone can have an accident whether looking after a child or not. To me it is very rude to try to make someone feel worse about something like that.

This is like that Black Mirror with the social media points

@slashlover

OP's other posts suggest otherwise 🤷‍♀️

I think you sitting outside a lot was kinda bad form tbh.

I understand your hesitation at sitting inside but imo, the bridesmaids should be primarily hanging out in the vicinity of the bridal party.

I suspect if you were actually sitting inside they would have let the other small things go.

Was your son specifically invited? If not then you were rude - however I wouldn't have gone away without my two year old so I can see why you felt you wanted to take him, however if he wasn't invited (and you ringing the bride after you get the invitation asking if you can bring him and her saying yes isn't an invitation) then you should have said no

All of your 'errors' are understandable for someone who was looking after a toddler - and if he was invited then it's the friends who are wrong for not understanding that

I am a little surprised that you accepted considering all the things against it, being 8 months pregnant I wouldn't go abroad just in case I went into labour early (even though I never did), you don't want to go into crowded areas due to the pregnancy and the pandemic (which I don't blame you for - thats understandable) - but from the outside looking in there is a bit that thinks you went but didn't really take part - but you went above and beyond by going,

I'm not commenting on the bowing out just before midnight - I'd have been leaving then without the pregnancy or toddler - however if you didn't find the bride and groom to say goodnight and you were leaving thats a little off - but I assume you would have

In truth though the bride and groom haven't complained and their opinion is the one that matters more than a random guest at the wedding - if they didn't see it as rude you are in the clear

Where were you able to travel to abroad at 8 months pregnant?

[quote DumplingsAndStew]@slashlover

OP's other posts suggest otherwise 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Where? Even her posts in other threads say she has a DS and is pregnant with a DD. What am I missing?

Please, when the first one of them is gets pregnant (hopefully according to my dastardly plan you will not be pregnant at the same time), arrange a wonderful "Haven't seen you in so long" gathering and stay out till 4am! See if they can manage it. Better still if there is more than one of them pregnant at the time.

I can barely stay awake until midnight. I didn't even manage to avail of the bar extension that we paid for at my own wedding (the bar usually closes around midnight but we paid for a licence to keep the bar open longer). I am such a lightweight but everyone in my group knows this so I slip away early and they crack on!

wow, 8 months pregnant in a pandemic, and you wanted to avoid crowded places and go to bed at midnight. Never mind ds, that would have been enough.

Your friends are awful. yes of course you can't do the big single girl thing any more. Sadly, until they have been through it, most of them will not understand.

YANBU