Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
InaccurateDream · 31/08/2021 12:45

I've got male friends within my 'mum' friends who come out with us and have a laugh. What I'm less keen on is the people who can't do anything without their partner as it does tend to change the dynamic a bit.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 12:45

@saraclara but they could be proactive and set up their own group for dads who want to be more involved with their kids’ school lives. Would that not be more useful than just going along with the OP’s group?

Surely that’s what’s setting sexism back 20 years?

Thewiseoneincognito · 31/08/2021 12:45

A class WhatsApp group? That sounds like Boden Kia suburban adult hell to me 🤣😂

Theunamedcat · 31/08/2021 12:45

@SyIviescup

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused

Just reply "if they really want to" honestly you will always get this in class groups i would suggest resign yourself to dealing with the change in dynamic
TracyLords · 31/08/2021 12:45

Actually I think it’s a bit rude to put it on the group but exclude dads.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/08/2021 12:45

I can't believe that any bloke would want to sit with a load of women on a girls' night out!

What a couple of wankers!

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 31/08/2021 12:46

It would potentially count as bullying in my work place if I kept inviting most a work group out but leaving out the same two each time due to a protected characteristic.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 31/08/2021 12:46

Also, saying well, they should organize their own night out is a bit indifferent to the fact that by excluding them, you are sending the message- we don't really want to socialize with you. It would take a brave man to then set up an invite for a different event, they are probably thinking no-one would show if having a man there is such a big deal.

My husband shared parental care with me for my second and it can be quite excluding, though luckily he found a few really good friends anyway who weren't fussed he was a man (a couple of men, a couple of women). I am still friends with one of them 15 years later myself! Don't be excluding about it on a general Whatsapp.

Branleuse · 31/08/2021 12:47

id pre-empt by saying mums only

Changemusthappen · 31/08/2021 12:47

OP this is what I would do

For the general Whatsapp group - it's an invite to everyone in it. Go somewhere local, not too expensive -and make sure you're not sat next to the twatty takeover bloke-. General talk, evening finishes early.

Have a separate Whatsapp group for the women you want to go out with and go somewhere nice. General gossip with people you can trust, a few bevvies

The problem is that you are trying too hard here, trying to ensure the women don't feel excluded and hurt in doing a group thing but in doing that you not inviting the men.

Of course you could just forget the general group and just go out with your friends at school and let someone else do the organising Grin

herecomesthsun · 31/08/2021 12:47

yes, if they really want to - and if the dads want to organise go karting rather than a winebar, say, that's up to the dads

Original poster
SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:47

@HelloDulling

It's rude to put out the invitation on the group, when you don't actually mean that all the group are welcome. Surely you can see that? Set up a separate group, call it Mums' Night Out, and add the people you want to go out with.
I think its pretty clear by the 'mums drinks out' it was aimed at the mothers.
OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2021 12:48

The only thing that would annoy me about it would be the dad complaining about what you're doing but organising fuck all himself. If it's a parents group it's a bit rude not to invite all the group if you're going to post about the night out in there. If you want a womans night out why not just ask the ones you're most friendly with away from the whatsapp group?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 31/08/2021 12:48

@SchadenfreudePersonified

I can't believe that any bloke would want to sit with a load of women on a girls' night out!

What a couple of wankers!

I dont think thats the point. I think the over arching point here is that the OP doesnt seem to think its rude to actively exclude people.
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 31/08/2021 12:48

Really weird behaviour from you OP. If what this group of adults has in common is that your kids are in class together then why does it matter if it’s the mums or dads that come along? There’s going to be personalities in any group that don’t gel or change the dynamic-those people could just as easily be female yet you’d still be fine with them coming out with you?

There is so much work to do in terms of getting dads to see school life as their responsibility as much as the mums and crap like this, trying to make exclusive ‘mums nights out’ perpetuates the very stereotypes we need to get past. Developing a social network at school is a big part of getting involved as parents and you’re actively trying to stop the men from doing that. If this wasn’t a school based group it might be different but I very much doubt you’re all close friends wanting to confide about marital issues etc, this will be lighthearted chat amongst parents of kids who happen to be at school together. Making it exclusively women only is unnecessary, really old fashioned and honestly makes you come across as petty and like you don’t have enough else to do.

Or, could I venture the suggestion that you’re a bit jealous of the more involved and equal at home husbands in the group?

Mayorquimby2 · 31/08/2021 12:48

Extremely rude.

No need to include the dad's, completely free to socialize with whoever you want based on whatever criteria you see fit but it's incredibly rude and presumptuous to think that you can use the class WhatsApp to arrange your social life and dictate the criteria of who can avail of the open invitation to the group.

Just setup a different group or WhatsApp the individuals you do want to attend.

Winemewhynot · 31/08/2021 12:48

Why would they even ask that about a ‘mums’ night out!

I agree it changes the dynamics when it’s couples, nothing wrong with just have a girls only event. If others want to arrange a couples night out let them crack on!

Sirzy · 31/08/2021 12:48

It’s a group for parents so any events organised through that group should be open to any who want to go.

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 31/08/2021 12:49

@Abraxan

Same-sex partners wouldn't bother me - I don't know why, it's me being weird!!

A husband and wife dynamic , to me, would be odd.

Maybe because I don't know why the wife would want her husband there - go out and socialise at at your own couples thing!!!

I can't really explain it: lone dad, two mums, two dads, parents group, absolutely fine.

Individuals, mainly women, then husband and wife getting babysitter to come along - weird!!!!
(Accept this is my bias).

Mum060708 · 31/08/2021 12:49

You can't say in a group that you're organising a night out but some members of the group are not included. You just can't do that.

EatSprayGlove · 31/08/2021 12:49

@MrsRobbieHart

If you aren’t inviting everyone in the group then you don’t announce the outing in the group!! You set up another group chat with just the people you want to invite
This
HotPenguin · 31/08/2021 12:49

It's rude to organise an event on a what's app group and to not invite every member of the group. I also find it weird that you want to exclude men. If a small group of you are very friendly and want to meet up without the others you should create a separate what's app.

saraclara · 31/08/2021 12:49

@MondayYogurt

You should have learned to centre men by now lol.
What on earth are you on about? The whatsapp is absolutely centering women exclusively, and totally sidelining the two men, who are clearly seen as outsiders.

Making the event open to all is hardly centering men. It's being inclusive. And jeeze, women have been sidelined for centuries and we hardly took that well.

Newcastleteacake · 31/08/2021 12:50

What you are doing is no different to having 2 people in the group in wheelchairs and organising an event you can only get to via stairs and saying in the group chat "sorry, only able bodied people on this one". It's discrimination and rude.

Just because women have been oppressed for so long doesn't make it right to do it to the men.

phishy · 31/08/2021 12:50

The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

So they expect the little women to organise manly things for them to do? How did he react when you said he is welcome to organise it?

It sounds like you are generally inclusive to all, so it's fine to have a Ladies Night sometimes.

If the men object, tell them to organise something themselves for once!