Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 31/08/2021 12:50

I think its pretty clear by the 'mums drinks out' it was aimed at the mothers.

I think you're missing the point. Its the fact you're putting it out on a whatsapp group that everyone is welcome to be a member of, then actively excluding some.

LittleMysSister · 31/08/2021 12:51

Is it the couple element or the man element that is getting you down?

I can completely understand that it can be frustrating and awkward when people bring their partners along to events that are meant to be for friends. It does change the dynamic. But sadly some people just won't go out without their partners.

But if the dads are in the whatsapp groups as individuals then I think it's mean to disinvite them. However I don't think that's what you're saying though. Sounds like the mums are the mates and the dads in question would just be tagging along.

phishy · 31/08/2021 12:51

@Newcastleteacake

What you are doing is no different to having 2 people in the group in wheelchairs and organising an event you can only get to via stairs and saying in the group chat "sorry, only able bodied people on this one". It's discrimination and rude.

Just because women have been oppressed for so long doesn't make it right to do it to the men.

Sorry but this is bullshit. It's not a valid comparison at all, girls' night out, ladies night out etc are not discriminatory to men because OP is generally welcoming to everyone.
Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 12:52

@Newcastleteacake

What you are doing is no different to having 2 people in the group in wheelchairs and organising an event you can only get to via stairs and saying in the group chat "sorry, only able bodied people on this one". It's discrimination and rude.

Just because women have been oppressed for so long doesn't make it right to do it to the men.

It is absolutely nothing like that scenario.
Mayorquimby2 · 31/08/2021 12:52

@SchadenfreudePersonified

I can't believe that any bloke would want to sit with a load of women on a girls' night out!

What a couple of wankers!

That's fine.

I don't think that many of the wives in my kids class are massive football fans or beer enthusiasts. But it would still be a dick move of me to use the class WhatsApp group to post that a few of us fancied watching a match in a pub or going to a beer festival of anyone fancies joining us, and then when a woman expressed an interest to respond "sorry think this one should be just the boys, we want to watch the football after all."

Sirzy · 31/08/2021 12:52

[quote Pumperthepumper]@saraclara but they could be proactive and set up their own group for dads who want to be more involved with their kids’ school lives. Would that not be more useful than just going along with the OP’s group?

Surely that’s what’s setting sexism back 20 years?[/quote]
Why would they need a separate group? They are in the class WhatsApp group so they are involved in their children’s school lives.

The problem is the Op wants this to be her social group for people she wants to socialise with rather than it’s ail

Noshowlomo · 31/08/2021 12:52

Right @Thewiseoneincognito.. i am dreading this as my son will be starting school next Sep. I snooze most of my Whatsapp groups anyway!

CookPassBabtridge · 31/08/2021 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

rookiemere · 31/08/2021 12:53

I get what you were trying to do OP.
I'd set up a separate group with the people you want to go out with and arrange a separate night out and keep the original one for everyone as something low key like just drinks rather than a meal.

HalzTangz · 31/08/2021 12:53

Neither here nor there if they do.

It's a class WhatsApp group, which parents (male and female) are in, so any group events should allow all members (male or female) to attend.

As others have said if you want to exclude people, create a new group.

However I personally would encourage parents to add their partners to the group so more men are involved. That way a mums night and a dad's night could be arranged

BabyLeaf · 31/08/2021 12:54

Wtf is with all of this 'changes the dynamic of the group' nonsense?

A group feels different depending on the personalities of who you're out with, not their sex. It comes across like you're trying to micromanage this evening out to go exactly how you envisage it to, and anything other than that will be spoiling it. How about you unclench a little, make it clear everyone is welcome, and go with the flow and enjoy yourself a bit? It's drink at the pub or a meal. There isn't a specific dynamic that must be adhered to and preserved at all costs.

RandomMess · 31/08/2021 12:54

Geez it's pretty simple.

"Nope this is a strictly ladies only one. How about you organise one for all parents or a "men only" one?

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 12:54

@Sirzy that was in response to the idea that it’s somehow the OP’s responsibility to make sure all dads are included, that she’s not setting sexism back, that dads are valued members of the school community.

Why is it her responsibility? Why aren’t the men of the group casting the net a bit wider?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 31/08/2021 12:55

Nope, wouldn't care. It's not as if a night in the local is akin to an organizational odyssey like hosting a three-day networking conference with panels, meals, coffee breaks and general entertainment. It's as simple as 'drink in pub at DATE/TIME; all welcome'.

This is not coming from one who normally advocates rolling over and pandering to the every whim of the 'menz', as some mumsnetters like to call them. Neither is it what I would describe as 'goady' not to give a solitary flap about the dynamics of a bunch of school parents. In my own head I might roll my eyes a bit as to how any woman apparently couldn't bear to go out independently of her partner, but this is one I'd definitely be filing away under 'small stuff'.

This is not important.

HalzTangz · 31/08/2021 12:55

@BabyLeaf

Wtf is with all of this 'changes the dynamic of the group' nonsense?

A group feels different depending on the personalities of who you're out with, not their sex. It comes across like you're trying to micromanage this evening out to go exactly how you envisage it to, and anything other than that will be spoiling it. How about you unclench a little, make it clear everyone is welcome, and go with the flow and enjoy yourself a bit? It's drink at the pub or a meal. There isn't a specific dynamic that must be adhered to and preserved at all costs.

I agree. I really don't see how having a male come out changes anything (men eat and drink don't they, men can talk and hold conversations)
BabyLeaf · 31/08/2021 12:55

Anyway, you've had lots and lots of responses saying you're being incredibly unreasonable.

Planning to take any of that on board? Or did you already decide you were being reasonable when you made the thread? Cos clearly you had some doubts or you wouldn't have needed to ask...

AllTheSingleLadiess · 31/08/2021 12:55

There's been quite a few posts where people have complained that the class WA is used to discuss parties that everybody isn't invited to

Personally I think it's fine to have women or men only meet ups but maybe be more discreet and set up another chat ?

RealBecca · 31/08/2021 12:55

If you want to set up a gorls night woth ypur friends you are entitled to.

But this is a classroom group. Not a group for your mates. Everyone in that group is entitled to an invite.

AnnaMagnani · 31/08/2021 12:56

Surely what's rude is the 2 dads moaning about dads not being involved, not enough male friendly events but happily leaving all organizing of any events to the same 3-4 mums and not making any effort except whinging.

In the OP's group there are events for everyone, and mums' only events. The only thing missing is dads' only events and I don't think we can expect OP to organize those. The whinging dads could get off their bums and sort this out themselves.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/08/2021 12:56

@IWasBornInAThunderstorm

It would potentially count as bullying in my work place if I kept inviting most a work group out but leaving out the same two each time due to a protected characteristic.
Twattery is a protected characteristic?
AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2021 12:56

@Noshowlomo

Right *@Thewiseoneincognito*.. i am dreading this as my son will be starting school next Sep. I snooze most of my Whatsapp groups anyway!
They're not all like that. I'm in one for my sons year and it's very handy and is only ever used to ask questions/share information about stuff relating to school and the kids.
MrsTophamHat · 31/08/2021 12:56

I think it's tricky because of the numbers. If it was more of 50:50 male female split then I think organising women only events would be ok. But seeing as there are only two men, it does come across as more personal to exclude them.

I don't think youre unreasonable to find it annoying, but that's the way the group has fallen and I think it's only fair to include everyone and let them decide if they want to come.

BabyLeaf · 31/08/2021 12:57

@HalzTangz

it's so odd. The Dads I know operate and function pretty much the same as the Mums. They talk about their kids, their hobbies and interests, ask questions, have a laugh... they're not some strange unknowable type of human because they're not Mothers.

I guess she just doesn't want any men there for her own private reasons but is scrabbling to come up with some kind of flimsy excuse that is seen as socially acceptable. Maybe her DH is the jealous type and won't allow her to socialise with me. Who knows.

Figgygal · 31/08/2021 12:57

You need another group for events really

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 31/08/2021 12:57

I think it’s best summed up by a PP:

‘Unclench’

Is this really that important?

Swipe left for the next trending thread