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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 19:10

@wherestheweightlosspill

I’ve already says, they thought I’d be there
So he tricked them?! That’s why then.
Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 19:10

@wherestheweightlosspill

But he never said I would be there. They assumed
Why would they if he invited them and they’d never met you?

What a bizarre story this has turned out to be.

wherestheweightlosspill · 01/09/2021 19:11

And they weren’t alone, there was a small group. SAHDs don’t need support/company too?

wherestheweightlosspill · 01/09/2021 19:12

Pumperthepumper, suit yourself, I’m bowing out. It happened, believe what you like

toomuchlaundry · 01/09/2021 19:12

It won't have the teacher's number on it @Pumperthepumper, the class rep is the go between. So the teacher will communicate to the class rep who would then post on the group, and if there is a parent issue, say for example something is missing from the homework provided and parents have posted this issue on the group chat, then the class rep can communicate that with the teacher, to save the teacher getting 30 individual parents contacting them separately.

Danja2010 · 01/09/2021 19:14

That someone dominates a conversation is a personal thing . It is not because he is male. I have belonged to enough women’s clubs etc to say that it happens with women, too. I do feel for these guys. Try being inclusive. The Go carts sound like fun to me ! Why is this coming down to boys on this side women on the other ?

Suspicioussam · 01/09/2021 19:14

The teachers numbers aren't on there but they email the class rep. The class rep then emails the teachers with any issues or questions.

Presumably strollers DH doesn't know the other mums that well it he feels left out, so would benefit from being in the class watsap group so he could attend events/make friends/chat. He then might be able to start a group with those he gets on with.
It would be very odd for an individual to go round collecting numbers of people he doesn't know that well to replicate the watsap group he knows he wasn't invited to.

Whatinthelord · 01/09/2021 19:16

@wherestheweightlosspill

But he never said I would be there. They assumed
I had similar with my husband. My son was invited to a party I said he’d be there and so my husband took him. Due to my work my husband took him to several parties over a few weeks ( reception year so they all had bloody party’s). I had no end of comments about it being him taking my son to the party.

Couple years down the road and he talks to way more of the mums than me because I’m so antisocial.

Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 19:16

@toomuchlaundry

It won't have the teacher's number on it *@Pumperthepumper*, the class rep is the go between. So the teacher will communicate to the class rep who would then post on the group, and if there is a parent issue, say for example something is missing from the homework provided and parents have posted this issue on the group chat, then the class rep can communicate that with the teacher, to save the teacher getting 30 individual parents contacting them separately.
Ok. So still set up by a parent then. So still no reason someone couldn’t set up another one.
Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 19:17

@wherestheweightlosspill

Pumperthepumper, suit yourself, I’m bowing out. It happened, believe what you like
I believe some of it happened. I don’t believe your husband was proactive or took any responsibility for his own involvement in school life. Just left it to you to complain the women weren’t doing it for him.
cnn27 · 01/09/2021 19:18

I think it's a bit unreasonable to issue an open invitation to only mums on an open class Groupchat. Stuff like this can make it seem less inclusive to dads and stop them getting involved in the life of the school in general if they feel the group is targeted at mums.

Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 19:19

@Suspicioussam

The teachers numbers aren't on there but they email the class rep. The class rep then emails the teachers with any issues or questions.

Presumably strollers DH doesn't know the other mums that well it he feels left out, so would benefit from being in the class watsap group so he could attend events/make friends/chat. He then might be able to start a group with those he gets on with.
It would be very odd for an individual to go round collecting numbers of people he doesn't know that well to replicate the watsap group he knows he wasn't invited to.

Why would it? Why not, as I said above, call it ‘kids name’s friends’ and invite them to the park?

Women do that all the time. Why so difficult?

PleasantBirthday · 01/09/2021 19:19

The Go carts sound like fun to me ! Why is this coming down to boys on this side women on the other ?

The go karts issue is that one of the dads didn't like what a woman organised and thought it should be more male oriented and suggested go karts but didn't organise it.

It's not up to the women to do or organise any activity they aren't interested in. Conversely, the men can organise any activity they are interested in.

traumatisednoodle · 01/09/2021 19:19

So what? They don't have to be included in every last thing. Would you invite them to an Anne Summers party if you were having one (if that's even still a thing)

Actually we did have a mixed Ann Summers party aged about 19/20. Much more fun with men.

Bumblenums1234 · 01/09/2021 19:21

I think the reason people are getting so upset here is a lot of us have been the person left out and it can fucking hurt especially when it is rubbed in your face. It doesn't matter that they are men and out people will speak from their own experiences.
I don't know if any man would care but I do know I would. So I think YABU not to just set up a different group if it is so important to you to have a 'mums only' night out.

toomuchlaundry · 01/09/2021 19:21

@Pumperthepumper it would be bit stupid to set up another group to talk about class things, but would be an idea to possibly set up separate ones for social events so they don't take up the whole chat and if you are only inviting some parents.

If there is a whole class parent social event then that could be on the main chat, just giving details, time and place. As everyone is invited you then shouldn't get a thread of messages asking who can come and who can't!

Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 19:24

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Pumperthepumper it would be bit stupid to set up another group to talk about class things, but would be an idea to possibly set up separate ones for social events so they don't take up the whole chat and if you are only inviting some parents.

If there is a whole class parent social event then that could be on the main chat, just giving details, time and place. As everyone is invited you then shouldn't get a thread of messages asking who can come and who can't![/quote]
I would have expected they already exist. I’ve never been in a group WhatsApp that didn’t lead to smaller breakout groups.

EspressoDoubleShot · 01/09/2021 19:24

There are only 2dads I’d just invite them frankly

sheridanstar · 01/09/2021 19:25

Dads should organise their own thing.

toomuchlaundry · 01/09/2021 19:27

I'm sure they do @Pumperthepumper. In some classes unfortunately they become a witch hunt to get rid of the 'naughty' child in the class. Obviously the parent of said child is not invited to join that group

Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 19:28

@toomuchlaundry

I'm sure they do *@Pumperthepumper*. In some classes unfortunately they become a witch hunt to get rid of the 'naughty' child in the class. Obviously the parent of said child is not invited to join that group
You know a lot about if suddenly.
SyIviescup · 01/09/2021 19:29

@wherestheweightlosspill

And they weren’t alone, there was a small group. SAHDs don’t need support/company too?
He probably should have suggested a park or coffee shop. It was going in to this house whilst you wasn't there that probably threw them.
OP posts:
SyIviescup · 01/09/2021 19:32

@Danja2010

That someone dominates a conversation is a personal thing . It is not because he is male. I have belonged to enough women’s clubs etc to say that it happens with women, too. I do feel for these guys. Try being inclusive. The Go carts sound like fun to me ! Why is this coming down to boys on this side women on the other ?
Well its not boys is it, its women and men

its so interesting that women still see men as children/boys.

OP posts:
SyIviescup · 01/09/2021 19:32

@traumatisednoodle

So what? They don't have to be included in every last thing. Would you invite them to an Anne Summers party if you were having one (if that's even still a thing)

Actually we did have a mixed Ann Summers party aged about 19/20. Much more fun with men.

Ah god I would have hated that.
OP posts:
wherestheweightlosspill · 01/09/2021 19:33

@Pumperthepumper he didn’t expect me to complain. You asked if ever organised anything, I said he did but it wasn’t reciprocated and yet somehow he’s still at fault. My point from the beginning was that men are made unwelcome because they’re men. Your point is that it’s their own fault. We’ll have to agree to disagree