To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

[Yup83]

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

Similar thing happened to me - but it was my siblings on the day of my Dad's funeral, I know this will sound weird but I’m truly grateful that they showed me who they really were, made it so much easier to stop trying with them and walk away. Sorry this has happened to you op.

Reading these threads, it’s always obvious why some people have all the dramas, while others just sail through unscathed.

Just let it go op, move on. Concentrate on those who wouldn’t treat you like this.
I wouldn’t even ask them, it just makes things awkward and it really doesn’t matter, does it?

Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Thinking its a nice idea is different from saying 'I'm up for that count me in'. Did you say that you'd be interested in going? Perhaps they didn't invite you as they didn't think you wanted to go.

Its hurtful. Do you see any of them. There few us 5 would always include the 5 for coffee. Wont always suit around work etc. My sisters did to me I was upset for ages. I felt after that my trust had gone in people.

Did the husbands go, maybe the others don't like yours? That happened in a group I was in. It's split off because of the husbands .

@LimeRedBanana

Reading these threads, it’s always obvious why some people have all the dramas, while others just sail through unscathed.

Obvious in what way?

I’m not looking forward to dealing with school mums again. They can be so bitchy.

@lechatnoir
I agree , she must ask , even if it’s jokey or breezy or whatever way.

I would have to know why , and to just not say anything I would feel would make you look a bit of a pushover , never ! Let them see you like that! Head held high after all this .

Good luck , I hope OP comes back I’m fully invested in this now , I need to know what the “mean girls “ said

Something similar happened to me. In fact it happened multiple times until I was excluded from the clique. It was devastating and I developed depression as a result (which doesn't make me weak - it makes me human). The loss of school mum friendships and the way we treat each other, is not spoken of enough. Some of us are supportive and kind and others behave like teenage 'mean girls' . I do wish you the best of luck in overcoming this but please don't feel less-than if it is bloody hard, it can be for some of us. For any mumsnetters out there reading this I'd love to hear other experiences of adult friendships breaking down and what you did/didn't do afterwards. It would be great to de-stigmatise this experience and to make some online space for women who have gone through this not to feel like we have walk round like 'billie-no-mates'. OP you are not alone and they are being unkind. My best advice is to keep it simple and ask them if you are included? Don't suffer in silence because that sends a message that it's ok when it's not. However the trust is damaged and how you process that is going to be hard. A big virtual hug because this is a really crap experience.

@LimeRedBanana

Reading these threads, it’s always obvious why some people have all the dramas, while others just sail through unscathed.

Can you elaborate upon this, what are the characteristics and behaviour of the all the drama individuals? What are the characteristics and behaviour of those who are unscathed? And you elicit this from a thread. Obvious you say?

I’m not looking forward to dealing with school mums again. They can be so bitchy
Dont get in loved and stick tou your own away from the school friends.
I did some drop off and pick ups and that was it I turned up for a few fetes and sports day and said hello but dudnt get get close.
No drama. If peop5were mean to me behind my back, I dont know and dont care. It doesn't affect me.

@LimeRedBanana I think almost everyone on here would agree with you, but you do seem to be describing more low key 'get-togethers'.

A camping trip was suggested when the OP was there, which she said she was up for. Then she found out almost by accident they were going without her. Are you saying this wouldn't bother you?

If so, is it because you are/were friends with a number of groups, so not so reliant on one particular group?

@MsTSwift makes a good point though.

@LimeRedBanana I hang out in a group of 6 - we meet up together and we meet up separately. 5 of us do not arrange to do anything together, excluding one person - that’s the problem here.

My experience reflects @LimeRedBanana and @MsTSwift’s — at schools both inside and outside the UK. And I agree entirely about the significance of the psychological test @Lime mentioned whereby the insecure children thought that no guests at a party meant no one liked them. I think it’s true you can often see on Mn threads about school ‘cliques’ and ‘exclusions’ a set of dynamics of insecurity, lack of social confidence and skills and over-investment in acceptance by a specific group.

Dont get in loved and stick tou your own away from the school friends.
I did some drop off and pick ups and that was it I turned up for a few fetes and sports day and said hello but dudnt get get close.
No drama. If peop5were mean to me behind my back, I dont know and dont care. It doesn't affect me.
I think this the worst post Ive done without checking spellings!! Awful.
However I understand that while life long friends can be cultivated at the school gates it can also be a source of misery for many, especially if the kids fall out or someone has a strong dominant personality and everyone else follows in their wake.
This is why I have always believed it is important to have friendship group away from school. I'm not saying dont e friendly but be cautious.
If I was the Op I would be hurt to find everyone had gone without me as well.

All this knashing if teeth when you are not invited to one thing? Doesn’t mean they all hate you and need to ditch the whole group! Seems excessive if they otherwise friendly and you don’t get negative vibes

Given they had actually planned the trip WITH op, it was not a private arrangement is the difference here. Had they said they were going camping and not invited her she may not have thought much about it. She was expecting to go, because they had arranged it together.

I don't think it was a mistake, as no one else was accidentally left behind. I wouldn't be rushing to keep this group of 'friends' there are plenty of better people out there op if you need/want more friends.

I also see lots of people compromising their own values (sometimes significantly) to remain in groups and friendship circles, and I always think that is sad and a bit weak. Every group needs the clingers though.

* @Staryflight445*

I wouldn’t even ask them, it just makes things awkward and it really doesn’t matter, does it?**

It is already awkward. People like these women rely on others not confronting and calling them out on their shitty behaviour.

OP I would definitely ask them why you were left out.

They are truly pathetic those people.

What year are your dc in?

Every day I thank fuck that my youngest is in final year of primary and the cliques will just fade away into the ether.

I'm sorry that happened to you, it is hurtful. Similar things happened to me back in the day and I minded a lot at the time, but now that the kids are at secondary school I don't give those women a second thought. I hope you can make new friendships at the school, avoiding the 'alpha' mums!

Asking them why doesn’t change anything so it’s absolutely pointless.
@drpet49

It’s pointless to pursue answer or reason, plus it doesn’t change anything
They’re unlikely to beg for contrition and express regret at their actions
Probably,if pushed they’ll mutter a platitude and say you’ve actually misunderstood what was agreed

Posters on MN often say that if a group of people snub or appear to dislike you then the problem must be with YOU rather than the group!

Wrong.

If the group are one of these tight little cliques with a "queen bee" then they are probably going to buzz along after her, rather than pointing out that someone is being excluded. I have never been a school mum as I have no children but if they are anything like the cliques in Motherland then Im not surprised at anything that happens in the hellscape of the school gate.