To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

[Yup83]

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

Bizarre, same thing happened to me and I always wondered whether should ask MN! Except not only did they (the mums) go without me, they invited my newly ex-H and my kids instead. After years of mums’ walks. Reason was because one of the Dads was really good friends with him (XH) and somehow won the day. My kids were caught in the middle, hated it. I was so shocked I actually couldn’t even communicate with them. It’s a nasty situation OP. And apparently when I cut off ties, not rudely just stopped comms, the “queen bee” there told everyone I’d “rejected her”. It was a big wake up call about values and other people.
What I would say is that I did make an effort then with other friends who weren’t so local - but what an interesting, decent bunch they are, whom I now go to concerts with, several lovely whatsapp groups and just general happiness. Reach out and trust yourself x

Any feedback, op?

@Yup83

I actually want to thank you for this thread- I had an uncannily similar situation with people I genuinely considered close friends, albeit forged at the school gate. I was distraught when it happened; it completely surprised me how upset I was. I did let it fester and stew for too long, so I can’t give you any sensible advice on how to cope with it.

The MN reaction has made me realise that others would have (and have) felt the same in this situation, so at least I feel a bit less ashamed of my feelings than I did.

Strip this back to the whole reason why you have to be there.. our children. Think of it this way. This is part of a phase of their life which actually is an enjoyable time for us parents. The plays, the friendships they make, how cute they look in their uniforms, how well they progress at school and in their learning.

Ultimately we are lucky to have kids as some people can’t.

We want to see our little ones grow and emerge.

You concentrate on your little family and their progress and sod everyone else. Before you know it the kids will be teens and you’ll never see them cos they hide in rooms or begger off with their mates.

I’ve had some short lived and hurtful friendships and experiences with playground mums who looking back weren’t friends when they pretended to be. I’ve seen women turn on each other and fight in playground before.

I think it is best to turn up as late as you can, collect the kids and then do one out of the playground and resume your normal life.

There are still some mums who I bump into and we always have a little chat and things are nice.. chat about how our kids are doing etc. It doesn’t all have to be bad. Just resetting the goalposts and our mindsets about situations and sodding those camping queens let them have a weekend where it rains and they get stuck in the mud ..

They don’t like you, I don’t see what’s confusing?

@EspressoDoubleShot

Did you read how I know a lot about the goings on Lime? Because they weren’t discreet it was all publicly enacted

The majority experience is that schoolgate politics are full of dramas don’t unnecessarily fraught. Yes ,as I previously acknowledged there are who vehemently protest they met the loveliest most kind dear friends at school. That’s super as it’s very much the minority.

Finally no I don’t think mn is representative of real life it’s only representative of those who post . The posts are Entertaining but not A manual to live life by

I’m not really all that interested in the third-hand ‘publicly enacted goings on’ of a random person on the internet.

I don’t doubt you for a minute, if you need the reassurance, though.

I’m just making the point - people don’t share the happy, mundane, non-dramatic stuff that goes on all day, every day. Just because people don’t talk about it, doesn’t mean it’s not out there, happening.

YANBU, but to a greater or lesser extent, you need to move on and not let it bother you. There may be issues you are blissfully unaware of, but dwelling on it will serve no purpose.

You're better than that.

Sorry this has happened to you. I had something similar happen to me as a young girl (obviously not with kids). I was left out. I've had a healthy disregard for women friends groups since. Some might think it's cynical but it's stood me well. I have a few friends that are in different areas of my life and not cliquey. The one time I was friendly with one girl who invited me to join her other close friend and her to socialise with them I felt uncomfortable as a bit of an interloper on their close friendship. They eventually fell out when one of them got a boyfriend and the other felt excluded . But laughably the one who got the boyfriend later insinuated I had caused the fracturing of their friendship completely ignoring the whole story she had told me about the argument they had had about said boyfriend. So my experiences with cliques of woman haven't been good. So get yourself some good friends because these people are not your friends and they'll do it again. Hold your head up high and move on. Good luck, it's not easy, but you will be better for it.

Move on apace....birds of a feather....find genuine people. I have been deliberately left out and it feels awful. Be strong and leave the bitches to it!

@Isaidnomorecrisps, that's brutal! One of my school mums announced to me that they all felt sorry for my exhtb and were 'on his side' when we were splitting up. They barely knew him! I was also sent a text saying she had organised an event same as last year but I wasn't invited as it was 'couples only'. Wouldn't have made any difference if I had gone as it was a casual venue full of singles.

Who are these people that make such divisive and ultimately friendship killing decisions towards others? There's a complete lack of empathy in some people as the projection onto you being the 'rejector' shows.

I think the nest thing for you do to here is just ask them to be honest. We can speculate all day long but ultimately you will never know why you weren't invited unless you mention it. You could do this in a group chat text diplomatically. Perhaps saying something like 'hope you all have/had a great time camping. Hope I haven't done anything to offend you ladies as I thought we'd all talked about going and I was surprised to hear you hadn't asked me to come along too'. If they are bitchy you know to get rid, but if there was any particular reason why you weren't invited then they will probably tell you. I think it's less likely that they don't like you and more likely that they've just overlooked you as part of the invitation. It's not very thoughtful of them but I would be making a point of broadening some other mum friendships at school. Better to make small talk with lots than join the clique because honestly it's worse than being in school. My primary school was so cliquey that the Mums caused the divide between who was popular and who wasn't. They caused all the issues and their kids were mean. Avoid cliques like the plague. Just speak to some of the other mums too and be chatty with everyone. You might make a closer friend that way. There's no reason why you can't make strong friendships with mum friends though like previous poster mentioned. My absolute best friend in the world and friend for around 10 years now was a mum friend from my first borns primary school. The boys were best mates and we clicked (no pun). But seriously we both avoided the cliquey lot and the friendship was much less superficial than cliquey mum types. Hope you manage to find out why they excluded you but it says more about them than you. Communication is key here.

Ugh how awful for you. I have felt ‘left out’ many times. People can be so selfish.

You need new friends I’m afraid. These ones don’t deserve you.

Sounds terrible, but friends don't always invite all friends to every social occasion. Maybe they rolled dice to decide who to invite, or there were work-related sales to discuss, or they had friendship issues to resolve away from other friends. So, horrible though it might seem, I am sure they weren't trying to hurt you. Rather they just kept the numbers down this time. Smile and forget about it. Maybe next time they will invite you. Otherwise you could invite them and see their response.

It’s only human to feel this way OP even at 38. It’s group dynamics and also feeling the outsider/left out of you and your children are not included. My personal view would be to step back, keep it Polite but distant and invest in friends you can trust.

One of the good mum friends I made at preschool had a similar experience recently. Her DS went to infant school with a group from the nursery school. In the same class. Part of the same what’s app group etc to share school info. At the end of infants so just before the start of this summer holidays she saw on Facebook that the mums had arranged an end of infant years party. With bouncy castle, personalised t shirts and cupcakes made. They must have made a separate what’s app group to arrange it all. She and her DS didn’t get invited. It’s so cruel to leave someone out.

And conversely lime Just because people talk about it, doesn’t mean it’s not out there, happening
Mn is a platform for sharing,recalling experience & observation
Some of which you’ll agree with, some of which you won’t
It’s not an instruction manual it’s simply women chewing the fat

It is heartening that some of you have had positive and happy schoolgate friendship. It’s not the norm so it’s nice to hear it

Me too

@EspressoDoubleShot

And conversely lime Just because people talk about it, doesn’t mean it’s not out there, happening Mn is a platform for sharing,recalling experience & observation Some of which you’ll agree with, some of which you won’t It’s not an instruction manual it’s simply women chewing the fat

It is heartening that some of you have had positive and happy schoolgate friendship. It’s not the norm so it’s nice to hear it

It is the norm to have positive and happy school gate friendships It’s the norm to have rubbish ones It’s the norm to have OK friendships

Every type of friendship is the norm at the school gate.

Once I went to Dim Sum and found 3 of my good friends in the restaurant. I was gutted. The friends I was with were very kind to me. I don't know if they have done it on other occasions.

Anyway, since then I still have gone out with them. (The 3 friends that met without me). We have gone away together. Things seem fine.

I didn't ask why they didn't invite me. I said hello to them while they were eating. But there is a way of being sad about it but then sort of accepting that sadness. I think I would have accepted how ever things turned out. In the end I never mentioned it again. I have a similar level of friendship as before. It's just in that particular moment they had met as a 3 rather than include me as a 4. (I think it's because dim sum comes in 3's and I was the only one with a child at that point. So they might have had reasons. But I wouldn't have accepted an excuse. I was so hurt.)

So be hurt, but just wait and see if you still like being with them. I am accepting of people. I do cherish loyalty, and I just don't know what happened that day. No loyalty in meeting without me!

Being there. Some people enjoy life more when they step over other people's hearts. In my case, not just mine, but also my children's, and that was the last straw. Just how pathetic and low... Move on, there are better people out there.

@Dacquoise
Thank you - I just don’t know. I said to my now other half it clearly must have been because I look so fabulous in the mornings !
Really appreciate your thoughts x

It is sad if it impacts upon the children. Fortunately my children are unaffected by all the shenanigans

The same people who made digs and comments like oh they’re only little once can’t you make the effort When I wasn’t at events because of work and I don’t do PTA (they only operate during day) were recently drawing rainbows in their window and suddenly very inquisitive about my work

The op has only written 3 posts on this thread.
Unless she name changed?
I’ve not read it all.
Do you think she will come back?

No idea, it’s been interesting thread though

@Backwaterjunction

They don’t like you, I don’t see what’s confusing?

Harsh @Backwaterjunction. And yes I would say it's confusing when these people have always acted as if they DO like the OP

I "had" some so called "friends" from a baby group who turned into bitches

Similar scenario except it was 2 of them who always met up excluding me and another mum but the other mum was very strange had some odd ideas but I like to think we are quite normal

I just distanced myself and now have nothing to do with them - life is too short