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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

461 replies

Yup83 · 30/08/2021 14:49

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

OP posts:
Lolabray · 31/08/2021 19:01

Lesson learned as I did in don’t trust people you meet in the playground.. in this instance.. they have left you out and no doubt be boasting about it at some point.. I’d give them the wide berth and find some new friends. These can’t be trusted by sounds of it

EspressoDoubleShot · 31/08/2021 19:01

@Girraffe1968

I have mummy friends from school do exactly the same thing they go out for meals and days out but they don't invite me.
These aren’t friends. They’re acquaintances from school. There is a big difference Friendship is accepting & inclusionary. They are purposefully excluding you. They have made an active choice to book meals, go shopping and have chosen not to include you. That’s most definitely not friendship
Lolabray · 31/08/2021 19:02

Ps.. leave them too it, watch the drama unfold when they fall out, which no doubt in time they will .. then you don’t get involved but can think thank god for that. Sometimes we were not chosen to be picked to do something for a reason. I think someone up there is protecting you here, it could be a blessing :)

aquashiv · 31/08/2021 19:06

Fuck em. They are nothing to you. Better find out now that in a field that you aren't each others cup of tea.

Perhaps they are smack heads or swingers ...just move on and make other friends.

EspressoDoubleShot · 31/08/2021 19:06

We now have a divorced mean girls clique and trust me you don't know bitterness and rivalry until you have been out with them! ⬅️ Hell yes I wholeheartedly agree

@Lolabray I agree too, it’s best to be on periphery and not involved. That way you’re not directly involved in their spats & feuds. It all has a fatalistic inevitably, a dark foreboding you kind of see it coming (they don’t see the impending implosion of course)

MsTSwift · 31/08/2021 19:08

Reese Witherspoon should do a Netflix drama about the families step up describes I would definitely watch that!

MsTSwift · 31/08/2021 19:11

We have been on an annual walking weekend with 5 other families for the last 10 years but no affairs drama or divorce. Feel very dull now!

TwinTeensMum · 31/08/2021 19:13

I totally understand as of why you feel hurt. I’m really glad my children are no longer in primary school. Some of the school mums often used to go out together to nightclubs then come and talk about done if then behind their backs. I therefore was not interested about being part of their backstabbing click

MsButterfly · 31/08/2021 19:14

Is it possible they are close friends and see each other a lot outside the odd coffee after drop off etc? Did you chat to them much and arrange other play dates over the summer? They may be more than just school mum friends and see each other all the time outside school …

Americano75 · 31/08/2021 19:15

Been there, they're not worth your energy. Hope it pisses down the whole time and their tents get flooded.

Overtired201984 · 31/08/2021 19:16

I think I would have to put them on the spot whether it be a whats app or either face to face and ask , in a joking way …. “So any reason why I wasn’t on the VIP list of camping” , as by this point I would deffo think fuck you all! And I deffo wouldn’t have anything to do with them . I can’t deal with that kind of shit in adult life , it’s far too short to have shit people around you . I would indeed be hurt and that’s why I would not want anything to do with them going forward there is no excuse to be excluded from a small group plan ! Flowers

Tigger1895 · 31/08/2021 19:17

I’ve met the same mums for 10 years now. I’m often excluded from group get togethers when the children are with them but I put it down to the fact I’m the only one with a son. All the others have daughters who get together without the parents. I’m not bothered as I know my son wouldn’t want to be there and if I don’t have a child with me I’m not really interested in other peoples kids.

newshark · 31/08/2021 19:17

@Suetully

Any time there is a discussion regards schoolgate cliques & nastiness Always there are a few who vehemently and vigorously deny there’s any nastiness or drama at schoolgates

Nobody is denying it, I am sure it exists. People are just pointing out that such behaviour can and does happen everywhere to correct those who say 'they are not friends anyway because they are only other school mums'.
And I say that as a person with no kids.

I think that in our lives up to school gate we are often spending time with people we choose to spend time with, doing work we want to do with people we like (hopefully) - in my line of work there was zero bullying at my level - but at the school gate you are thrown together with a lot of people some of whom will be very different, and some of whom will bully others as part of a clique, maybe because they have low self esteem themselves, who knows.

I didn't start having dc until late 30s and had a career before that, and i have not ever experienced in my life the sort of the things I have experienced in the last year at the school gate. The fact that it is my dc who are affected, not me, and they don't have my ability to not take it personally makes it more difficult. I think if I had been more prepared it would have surprised me less, though, and I would have been able to prep dc better - which is why threads like these are useful.

You say you do not have dc - you may well eat your words sometime in the future!

3scape · 31/08/2021 19:18

It's not just school gate things is it? It's all friends. At the end of the day people get a moment/ an offer and will merrily ditch someone just to fit in. If you think back I'm sure with this clique you were once in there was some other woman who "didn't quite get you all" or "seems so busy/ overwhelmed" and the group agreed with you and that was that. Friendships are all temporary.

TwinTeensMum · 31/08/2021 19:18

I totally understand why you feel hurt. I’m really glad my children are no longer in primary school. Some of the school mums often used to go out together to nightclubs then come and talk about some of them behind their backs. I therefore was not interested about being part of their backstabbing click

nanagerry · 31/08/2021 19:20

I feel pretty sure I'd feel upset in the same circumstances. I always find it's best to face things head on (nicely) or they will bug you forever. Just let them know how hurt you were when you heard they had been camping without mentioning it again as you were really looking forward to it. You could ask if you've done anything to upset anyone but you need to get off your chest how it's made you feel. Then, depending on the answer you will know if these people are worthy of you. There are plenty of people out there who would really value your friendship. Good luck

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 31/08/2021 19:24

Are you absolutely sure you are a 'nice' group Therabbitstolemyhat? Your insistence that you have never ever been aware of even the merest hint of unkindness and everyone is beautiful sounds rather hollow and insincere.*
I never said that, don’t be so dramatic. 🙄 Most people stand, chat, then leave. Looking for drama is just weird.

Then we get your update and actually you don't sound very 'nice' on here at all. True colours. I wonder if the other parents at your school agree with your assessment, or maybe this thread has touched a raw nerve ohmm

Ok then. 🤣 👍

EspressoDoubleShot · 31/08/2021 19:26

No not all friendships are temporary. Depends if it is genuinely a friendship
Schoolgate acquaintances are however notoriously fickle & cliquey as this thread attests and there is a commonality of theme described. And usually some implosion and fall out amongst the key players

In Work one has a shared purpose, shared training and progression that you can talk about and bond. You’re there because you want to be.

At the Schoolgate, it’s a collection of random parents who happen to have a child at same school as you. There is the tenuous link. You are Not linked by employment, shared values, similar experience etc. Linked only by fact we have children at the same school

Isabelle1143 · 31/08/2021 19:26

YANBU!
This used to happen to me a lot, until I realised that I was making effort and it wasn't being reciprocated. I then decided to knock it on the head myself and be nice but steer clear. It's a horrible feeling, motherhood is lonely as it is without that shxt!

Isabelle1143 · 31/08/2021 19:29

@smallgoon

Sack them off. They're horrible c*nts.
Couldn't have said it better myself!
Calmdown14 · 31/08/2021 19:34

Are you a camper? I go away sometimes with another camping friend.
Sometimes another of our friends says she would like to come and would be welcome but she doesn't have any kit.
Sometimes we decide at short notice to have a local night away.
But we can never seem to quite coordinate weather, jobs and other commitments to plan far enough in advance for the friend to be organised enough to come.
Just wondering if you'd be a quick chuck it in the car camper or like the idea but haven't actually done it

mylifestory · 31/08/2021 19:35

ah the fickle school mums. Im sure we've all had a similar experience in one way or another. Dont take it personally, its more a reflection on them. Carry on as if nothing had happened and watch them squirm around you. Maybe even ask how the camping trip went. Remember to be a bitch!

GinPin2 · 31/08/2021 19:50

Yes @Yup83 This is very hurtful. My daughter was in the same situation, in her 30s. Again 4 mums altogether.
My daughter stopped trying to fathom it out and started to hang around with the younger child's friends' mums.
Extrememly good match and very good friends .

BeaLola · 31/08/2021 19:51

YANBU to feel hurt - I have felt hirt when DS a was at primary to be invited and then excluded with no explanation.

As you can see from this thread it's pretty common.

Now DS is at secondary school and I know no other Mums as there are no opportunities to mix/socialise

Overall though I feel I'm well out of it . I think one of the groups just included me to start with so they had someone else to botch about when I wasn't there (I work part time)

It hurts but they are not friends - repeat this - they are NOT Friends Smile

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHaands · 31/08/2021 19:53

I think I’d have to ask OP. I’d just say “…is there I reason I haven’t been included? I’d have loved to come. Have I unknowingly offended someone??”