Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

286 replies

louisargg · 30/08/2021 13:46

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/08/2021 20:07

So my feelings don't matter?

Not your birthday. Not your brother. So, no. Not really.

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:09

@Zwellers

Who put you in charge of your husbands family and how they pay for things. You made a needless drama and undermined your husband. It's not all you.
It’s not all about DH either. OP has the autonomy to treat her niblings to a few pounds if she wants.
Original poster
louisargg · 30/08/2021 20:10

Sorry for late response I've been at work.

My husband made no offer to the bill.
As soon as the bill arrived brother in law paid.
I gave the £40 because if my bil didn't want any money towards the cost of meal at least I could give something for his kids to treat themselves.

It wasn't to undermine anyone..
My brother in law had been kind enough to pay for our food /drinks
I wanted to do something nice back

OP posts:
phishy · 30/08/2021 20:11

You were fine OP Flowers

LimeRedBanana · 30/08/2021 20:13

Did I miss something? Did OP say to the kids ‘here is some money for my meal which I am giving to you kids instead?’

I kind of think you did miss something. The only reason the OP gave SIL the money for the kids was because of the palava that had gone on beforehand. Go back and read the OP. It clearly reads as if the cash for the kids was the culmination of the OP feeling embarrassed by her DH, and so handing cash to people to make up for it. Cringe.

And I say this as someone with an Irish DH, for whom giving cash to the kids is a perfectly normal thing.

It has to be apropos of nothing though, not as result of a whole scene beforehand, and so obviously done out of guilt.

Yesitsbess · 30/08/2021 20:15

@smallgoon

Yes. Pour yourself a wife.

I read it in Neddy Seagoons voice too.

Lweji · 30/08/2021 20:17

As soon as the bill arrived brother in law paid.

That's what someone who really wants to pay does.

Did you people not take a birthday present? Why would you need to do something (else) nice for him?

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:19

@LimeRedBanana

Did I miss something? Did OP say to the kids ‘here is some money for my meal which I am giving to you kids instead?’

I kind of think you did miss something. The only reason the OP gave SIL the money for the kids was because of the palava that had gone on beforehand. Go back and read the OP. It clearly reads as if the cash for the kids was the culmination of the OP feeling embarrassed by her DH, and so handing cash to people to make up for it. Cringe.

And I say this as someone with an Irish DH, for whom giving cash to the kids is a perfectly normal thing.

It has to be apropos of nothing though, not as result of a whole scene beforehand, and so obviously done out of guilt.

Maybe quote the post I was responding to instead of cherry picking.

The point is, the DC/BIL wouldn’t have thought the £20 each was for the meal. They were all happy, as they would have seen it as the aunt treating the dc as a kind gesture, not tied to the meal.

I think that’s what YOU’RE missing.

LimeRedBanana · 30/08/2021 20:21

Except to many, many of us, including the OP’s DH, it clearly was a cringing gesture borne out of BIL paying for the meal.

LimeRedBanana · 30/08/2021 20:22
  • cringey
phishy · 30/08/2021 20:25

The ‘many, many of us’ versus ‘you’ defence is so pathetic, don’t even attempt it.

LimeRedBanana · 30/08/2021 20:27

But you’re doing the same thing - I’m not ‘missing anything’ any more than you are. We simply disagree.

No need to worked up - it’s just a thread on Mumsnet. Confused

ActonSquirrel · 30/08/2021 20:27

What?!

I often take family out for my birthday, I can afford it.

If my husbands wife gave me £40 when the bill was £300 I'd think it weirder and ruder than being given nothing especially if I had insisted on paying.

Since when is it weird to pay for your own birthday. Do you ask guests to pay for your kids party food and activities or do you pay them as the host.

ActonSquirrel · 30/08/2021 20:28

Husbands wife?! Jeez husbands sister I meant

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2021 20:28

phishy

MrsSkylerWhite
Those saying YANBU have no idea of each family unit’s financial circumstances.
But those saying YABU do?

No.
Silly question, really, unless everyone does : whatever their point of view

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:28

@LimeRedBanana

But you’re doing the same thing - I’m not ‘missing anything’ any more than you are. We simply disagree.

No need to worked up - it’s just a thread on Mumsnet. Confused

Actually you were the one who told me I was missing something. You just don’t want to be told the same thing.

And the confused emoji is a sure sign you’re getting worked up, so go have a Wine and calm down.

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:29

@MrsSkylerWhite

phishy

MrsSkylerWhite
Those saying YANBU have no idea of each family unit’s financial circumstances.
But those saying YABU do?

No.
Silly question, really, unless everyone does : whatever their point of view

I have no idea what you’re on about, and I don’t you do either.
LimeRedBanana · 30/08/2021 20:30

I’m perfectly calm, you’re the one throwing ‘pathetic’ and ‘don’t even attempt it’ around on a MN thread about paying for a birthday dinner.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 20:31

It is unikely that the others didn't pick up on the fact that the OP had been telling her DH to pay £150 after the BIL had already paid. Even if it was done in hushed words and pointed glances. The BIL and his wife will have been perfectly polite about it, but they'll have sussed out the motivation for the gift.

The OP has now made clear that BIL paid the bill before anyone else even had a chance to offer. If someone does that, it's because they really wanted to. So accept the gesture, say thank you, and make sure you treat them next time.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2021 20:32

Oh I do, phishy.

I just put it badly.

I mean the original question is pointless unless we all know each party’s financial circumstances.

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:32

If you try an ‘us’ versus ‘you’ defence, then expect to get that reaction Lime. It’s like you want a clique.

Plumtree391 · 30/08/2021 20:35

Your brother in law insisted on paying for his birthday meal which is why your husband didn't feel he should chip in. He knows his brother, understands the dynamics.

When it's your husband's turn, he can pay for everyone.

It was very nice of you to give your sister in law some money for the children. They will appreciate that.

Confusedandshaken · 30/08/2021 22:16

@MrsSkylerWhite

Oh I do, phishy.

I just put it badly.

I mean the original question is pointless unless we all know each party’s financial circumstances.

It's irrelevant in this situation. The BIL said he wanted to pay for everyone and did. We don't know of that was a shed load of money to him or a drop in the ocean. It's none of our business either. He is a grown man and can spend his money how he chooses.
shinynewapple21 · 30/08/2021 22:16

@ActonSquirrel

What?!

I often take family out for my birthday, I can afford it.

If my husbands wife gave me £40 when the bill was £300 I'd think it weirder and ruder than being given nothing especially if I had insisted on paying.

Since when is it weird to pay for your own birthday. Do you ask guests to pay for your kids party food and activities or do you pay them as the host.

I agree. Such a weird thing for the OP to do .

littlefireseverywhere · 31/08/2021 17:26

I agree, slightly odd re payments. However I don't get involved with payments for meals or presents or arrangments for visits with his family and similarly I sort out mine. Makes it much easier all round.