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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

286 replies

louisargg · 30/08/2021 13:46

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

OP posts:
Suetully · 30/08/2021 19:34

*She said the BIL didn’t want the parents to pay but doesn’t say BIL wouldn’t have appreciated his brothers contribution. If her husband is anything like my dad, he lets everyone else pay and doesn’t offer because he’s so tight and it’s really embarassing. My mum has to force him to put his hand in his pocket.

Maybe OP felt embarrassed and only had £40 cash on her and wanted to contribute*

That's a good point but I suppose the problem is we don't know enough. The op I think came back and said her husband was tight but this could have being because she wasn't getting much support in the responses or her 'definition' of tight is out of touch with reality.

I have seen several threads where the op has claimed her husband was 'tight' and 'financially abusive' although it transpired he was just sensible with their money whereby she wasn't. Attitudes towards money are so different sometimes.

WIS76 · 30/08/2021 19:36

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

BIL insisted on paying. He obviously wanted to treat everyone - his choice. But you decided that your DH should undermine BIL on his birthday by overruling him re: paying on his birthday. YABU about that.

What was the reason for giving SIL £20 for each for the kids? Do they have a birthday coming up? Tbh, it's a bit weird. If I wanted to treat my nephews and nieces I'd either give them a nice gift or treat them to a cake/ice cream while we're out. Not shove cash at their parents.

Do you normally feel that you have to throw cash at people in order to be liked? Giving money when it's socially inappropriate to do so isn't being 'nice', it can actually be very manipulative and weird, and it's not clear at all from your post as to what category this falls into.

Good grief calm down hon, do you usually get this worked up about how people you don't know split their dinner bill. Have a nice glass of wine and take a few breaths!
TeloMere · 30/08/2021 19:37

I think some people just can't accept that it's often kinder to allow someone to be generous, and to accept with thanks rather than insist on "paying your way".

My mother has always insisted on being the one who pays, my grandmother was the same. I think it's a control issue.
I can remember dreading the arguments that would ensue when I was a child and we all went out together. They were both determined to be the one to pay everyone's entry fee/restaurant bill etc.
Would really put a damper on what was supposed to be a happy occasion.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/08/2021 19:38

That is a good point, Suetully, I missed that the husband hadn't offered to pay. That said, he might have had a discussion with his brother separately - or they'd made arrangements. Nobody knows, do they?

Either way, this was a faux pas by the OP.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 19:40

I'm not worked up at all. Somewhat amused by how riled people have got at my suggestion that thrusting notes at your relatives is not necessarily the pinnacle of polite behaviour! Grin

Plenty of people on this thread get it though - context is everything.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 19:40

Oh give over, passive aggressive to pass money on to children! OP was just being generous.
I'm surprised at how many people think its unreasonable to give money to your nieces and nephews, either mumsnet is a very odd place or this is the difference between English and Irish customs, I'm Irish and it's it's a very normal part of our culture to give younger family members money. And offering to pay for half of the meal is just common decency

I am Irish too and no it's not about giving the kids money, it's the fact that it was done to offload their part of the bill which effectively was supposed to be a gift. It undermined the gift/gesture that was from the bil. And yes offering to contribute for the meal is manners, this wasn't really disputed, it was the fact that the host/birthday boy wanted to pay as it was his night but the op undermined it with the gift.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 19:41

Tbf, I don't think the OP has clarified whether her DH offered or not? And even if he didn't offer at the table, it may be that a conversation took place separately that she wasn't party to.

Aprilx · 30/08/2021 19:50

@louisargg

My brother in law wasn't the host. It was my mother in law that organised it. It didn't feel right going out for his birthday and him paying for 6 people.
Maybe it isn’t something you would do, but it really is perfectly normal. Nobody forced BiL to pay the bill, he wanted to, if you had ever done it you would know that it is an enjoyable thing to do.

The bill was sorted, your behaviours was undermining your husband and was weird and embarrassing to boot.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 19:56

@TeloMere, one of my friends and I have a running joke about this. We have a race to see who can get her purse out fastest. It’s not in the least controlling. It makes us laugh. It’s been an integral part of our friendship for over 40 years now. You’d hate us !

phishy · 30/08/2021 19:58

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

It’s absolutely fine, we give money to nieces and nephew all the time.

You don't do it as a passive-aggressive move to make a point and prove that you are "paying your way" though, do you? I treat my nephews and nieces, sure, but not like this.

It's fine to send your nephews some money. It's not fine to tie it to the paying of the bill.

This.

It’s not passive aggressive, giving money to kids is standard in many families, and OP says the kids and parents were both happy. Just believe her!
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 20:00

The parents will have been polite, whether they were happy or not.

Her husband, who is far more familiar with the dynamics of his family than the OP, was not happy.

smallgoon · 30/08/2021 20:01

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Hosting a party (whether a wedding or a dinner party), or taking your friends/family to a nice restaurant for a celebratory meal, is equivalent to giving your loved ones a gift. The gift is the party/meal, and you want to enjoy it in their company, with no one worrying about the cost.

If someone gave you an expensive physical gift, you wouldn't open it, tot up the cost and offer to give them equivalent cash, would you? Or slip them a backhander as you're leaving? Of course not! Although you would probably plan to get them a lovely gift for their next birthday in return.

So why behave any differently in a restaurant when someone has made it clear they are treating you to celebrate an occasion?

You lot are weird if you allow the person celebrating their birthday to gift you with a free meal... Glad my friends and family aren't this strange!
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 20:02

And you've totally missed the point which is that the OP obviously linked the gift to the issue of who paid the bill.

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:02

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

The parents will have been polite, whether they were happy or not.

Her husband, who is far more familiar with the dynamics of his family than the OP, was not happy.

I give my husband’s nieces and nephews money, I do not ok it with him prior to it because it’s not a big deal and it makes the kids and parents happy.
Suetully · 30/08/2021 20:02

It’s not passive aggressive, giving money to kids is standard in many families, and OP says the kids and parents were both happy. Just believe her

passive aggressive to the husband for undermining him.

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:03

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

And you've totally missed the point which is that the OP obviously linked the gift to the issue of who paid the bill.
Did I miss something? Did OP say to the kids ‘here is some money for my meal which I am giving to you kids instead?’
smallgoon · 30/08/2021 20:03

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

I'm not worked up at all. Somewhat amused by how riled people have got at my suggestion that thrusting notes at your relatives is not necessarily the pinnacle of polite behaviour! Grin

Plenty of people on this thread get it though - context is everything.

You seem very worked up judging by the number of times you've posted. As pp suggested, pour yourself a wife and take a couple of deep breaths. It's only Monday after all.
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 20:03

You lot are weird if you allow the person celebratingtheirbirthday to gift you with a free meal... Glad my friends and family aren't this strange!

Have none your friends or family ever invited you to a meal/party at their home to celebrate their birthday? Who pays for the food and drink then?

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2021 20:04

Those saying YANBU have no idea of each family unit’s financial circumstances.

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:04

@Suetully

It’s not passive aggressive, giving money to kids is standard in many families, and OP says the kids and parents were both happy. Just believe her

passive aggressive to the husband for undermining him.

Maybe if she gave money to BIL. But she gave it do dc, which is normal in many families.
phishy · 30/08/2021 20:05

@MrsSkylerWhite

Those saying YANBU have no idea of each family unit’s financial circumstances.
But those saying YABU do?
Murphs1 · 30/08/2021 20:07

I don’t see what the big deal is, op wanted to make sure the bil was sure about paying the whole bill and asked her husband to offer to go halves. Giving the kids 20 pounds each is a nice thing to do and shows her appreciation of the bil paying the bill. Not sure why people are being so unkind to the op!

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 20:07

@MrsSkylerWhite

Those saying YANBU have no idea of each family unit’s financial circumstances.
I don't think financial circunstances are relevant. Experiencing the pleasure of treating your loved ones to something nice shouldn't be something that is restricted to the rich.
Zwellers · 30/08/2021 20:07

Who put you in charge of your husbands family and how they pay for things. You made a needless drama and undermined your husband. It's not all you.

LimeRedBanana · 30/08/2021 20:07

You lot are weird if you allow the person celebrating their birthday to gift you with a free meal... Glad my friends and family aren't this strange!

It is perfectly normal to invite people out for a (e.g.) birthday dinner, and as host, pick up the bill for everyone.