Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

[louisargg]

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

You really overstepped. I'd never get involved with DP and his family dynamic in that situation. If anyone saw you discussing it, you are embarrassing your husband in front of his family
and making it clear you think he's tight. They're HIS family at the end of the day. If my DP did this with my family, I'd be angry too. You should have stayed out of it. Not your place, at all.

Your husband is being tight and controlling OP. Sorry to be blunt but can't see it any other way!

@Margerine78

Your husband is being tight and controlling OP. Sorry to be blunt but can't see it any other way!

Try reading the thread. You might see the light.

As it was BILs birthday and he wanted to pay you should have let him pay with a simple thank you.

I find your answer very rude. I always give kids money. It’s traditional in my circles.

I think the £40 was a worse insult than giving nothing.

@Viviennemary

I think the £40 was a worse insult than giving nothing.

Good for you.

@louisargg: I don't think wanted to show some of the kindness your BIL has shown in treating you & your DH by giving a treat your nephews is weird at all!

I come from a culture where it is v normal to always 'treat' younger family members (younger sibs, nephews, young cousins etc) - is there an age difference between your DH & BIL?

Anyway, its done now, its a 1-off and I'd let the brothers sort these sort of things out between themselves. I am sure your nephews will be happy with the end of school hols spending money

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

BIL insisted on paying. He obviously wanted to treat everyone - his choice. But you decided that your DH should undermine BIL on his birthday by overruling him re: paying on his birthday. YABU about that.

What was the reason for giving SIL £20 for each for the kids? Do they have a birthday coming up? Tbh, it's a bit weird. If I wanted to treat my nephews and nieces I'd either give them a nice gift or treat them to a cake/ice cream while we're out. Not shove cash at their parents.

Do you normally feel that you have to throw cash at people in order to be liked? Giving money when it's socially inappropriate to do so isn't being 'nice', it can actually be very manipulative and weird, and it's not clear at all from your post as to what category this falls into.

Wow! My brother often give my children £££ when he sees them, as fo various aunts and great aunts. I remember jungles giving me cash too. It’s normal, just as it’s normal to offer to split a bill. No manipulation, just a treat for the children of siblings now and then. I find this reaction unnecessarily angry and rather odd.

@Miliao

I think this is really odd. If it was my birthday and was treating people to a meal, I’d be mortified if someone tried to slip my partner cash for my children, especially if they’re not my family. Why are you giving his children cash when it’s not their birthday? It’s really strange, especially when your husband, who will know his brother better than you, said not to. If my husband did that I’d be really angry that he went behind my back, it would prove he didn’t listen to me or care about my family.

She IS family though, I do find it irritating that being married to someone, often for many years and being around their siblings and parents enough to know them well still somehow doesn’t qualify you as family (in the eyes of some). I find that quite dismissive. My MiL and all of my DH family bar one person, have always treated myself and my son like blood and we have never considered ourselves to be anything less than that. We know we are loved.

Perhaps your husband had already given his brother the money.
Or.
He knows something you don’t.

Next time send flowers the following day to his wife.

YABU, OP.
MIL hosted - MIL wanted to pay.

BIL refused as HE wanted to pay,

Why on earth did you even get involved? If anyone pays after it is MIL who has already tried - not you.

I believe that whoever organised and booked the meal and invited the guests pays.
You and your DH attended your BIL’s birthday celebration, rather than co hosted it.
In this situation, I would bring a gift for BIL, maybe contribute to a cash tip for waiting staff or if others felt comfortable with it, cover the entire cash tip generously ( 20%).
I would feel I was doing so as a gesture of appreciation to the host and as a way of bringing the celebration to a close on a positive note.

So my feelings don't matter?

No. It was his birthday and his choice. You need to respect his choices.

If we are being treated to a meal then we usually offer to get the drinks bill and if that’s not accepted then we will get in a couple of rounds of cocktails afterward. Also, when my son was younger (he’s working now), I literally couldn’t stop people giving him money on every occasion they were in his company. Anything from £2 to £20. Once, he came home after a family member’s birthday party with over £80, looked like his pockets had the mumps!

I don't think your husband should be SO angry about you giving money but I can see his point. Your BIL clearly wanted to treat everyone. My mum always insists on paying when it's her birthday. It's just how she is, makes her happy. Your DH understands his brother and family dynamics and thought you should accept the offer graciously. For some people (often men but not always) paying for everyone is an issue of pride. It sounds like he didn't want people trying to chip in because thar takes away from his big gesture. I think you should have trusted your husband's judgement. I don't think he was being tight but he was accepting his brother's generosity.

@Angie1403

If we are being treated to a meal then we usually offer to get the drinks bill and if that’s not accepted then we will get in a couple of rounds of cocktails afterward. Also, when my son was younger (he’s working now), I literally couldn’t stop people giving him money on every occasion they were in his company. Anything from £2 to £20. Once, he came home after a family member’s birthday party with over £80, looked like his pockets had the mumps!

OP was not in the company of the children though. It was weird to hand two £20 notes over saying it was for the children for no particular reason.

@MidsummerMimi but in this instance the parents organised the meal, but the BIL insisted on paying. So I can see why the OP felt awkward, as in her mind the main guest (not the host) ended up paying

My notoriously tight husband never gets his wallet out when we go for family meals, it's so embarrassing, what can I do?

Thats the title you needed OP. You've done nothing wrong here and I would bet you £300 () that your husband is a tight fisted miser all the time and you find it difficult and embarassing.

This is one of those notorious threads were the first few responses dictate the rest of the thread, and encourage an unnecessary pile-on.

So many cruel woke comments here. I know exactly where you are coming from and tell your husband to get over himself...selfish individual.

@MattyGroves

I let my DH handle his family stuff and vice versa.

I also think if someone wants to treat, you accept graciously and find a way to reciprocate. Slipping them a bit of cash, bit odd!

This. Depending though on what you mean by going mental, your DH reaction doesn't sound ok.

Bet your BIL went home and moaned to his wife about your husband though! Pure cheek of it.
You was lovely giving them £40, but your husband really should of offered half or at least your share. How cheeky. 🤦🏻‍♀️ YANBU.

You have every right to give your nephews money. It's not odd at all. And it's especially not odd if your husband is tight and you aren't that you would want to contribute in some way. I'm always very touched when people want to say thank you to me and my partner through the children. It's always very heartfelt and genuine. X

Was it a Pizza Express?

Was it Pizza Express