Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

[louisargg]

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

The secretary/gofer is just that, not the host

Exactly that. I organised my parents’ diamond wedding lunch. They paid so they were the hosts.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

BIL insisted on paying. He obviously wanted to treat everyone - his choice. But you decided that your DH should undermine BIL on his birthday by overruling him re: paying on his birthday. YABU about that.

What was the reason for giving SIL £20 for each for the kids? Do they have a birthday coming up? Tbh, it's a bit weird. If I wanted to treat my nephews and nieces I'd either give them a nice gift or treat them to a cake/ice cream while we're out. Not shove cash at their parents.

Do you normally feel that you have to throw cash at people in order to be liked? Giving money when it's socially inappropriate to do so isn't being 'nice', it can actually be very manipulative and weird, and it's not clear at all from your post as to what category this falls into.

Maybe we're not all as stingey as you!

OP what you did was lovely, in my family aunts/uncles/cousins often pass money onto the parents to be given to the younger family members. We're a generous family and I must say I loved this when growing up! I now enjoy giving to the younger ones, its a lovely thing to do.
It sounds like you're a very generous person and your husband is a real miser! I can't stand this kind of behaviour, YANBU.

If the parents organised and it and then offered to pay, I would see them as the hosts.

My DH would have offered his card, but if declined that's good to go. Personally if my BIL offered to pay, I'd say thank you.

There must be more to this. If your DH has form for being tight... ??

Did he really go mental? That would be N over reaction, even though what you did was nice but a bit odd.

His BIL paid, it was his birthday, he had invited you as guests and he wanted to. Really, you should have just said thank you and left it there.

I'm fascinated by those who think the polite thing to do is to "pay your way", even if the host has insisted otherwise.

• Do they try to "pay their way" at weddings or other parties funded by the host?
• Do they ever pay to host events for family/friends themselves?

- If not, is it that because they couldn't imagine being happy to pick up the tab, they assume no one else would be?

• Do they obsess about paying equally in other areas of life? Are they the same people who add up the prices of Xmas / birthday presents so they can make sure they spend the exact amount on other people that gets spent on them?

Maybe we're not all as stingey as you!

I treat people to stuff all the time.

I just don't go out of my way to embarrass people when they want to treat me. Being polite about someone wanting to pay =/= stingy.

The gift for the nephews/nieces in this case was a passive aggressive move, not a kind gesture.

What if the parents had organised the meal as part of the BIL's birthday treat, would that not then seem wrong that the BIL pays for what is effectively his birthday present

@toomuchlaundry

The parents offered to pay first, so why isn't the BIL considered rude to then pay?

Because it's his birthday. He's the person at the centre of the event. It is literally all about him.

Also - that's not what the OP is asking. She's asking whether she was BU to overrule her husband and sneak some cash in her SIL's direction.

You're not being unreasonable but I would have paid the 130. Not going behind DH back (in full view, in front of him). This is a bug bear of mine. I can't stand ppl who expect and accept others paying for their meals.

If we invited my BIL out for a meal to celebrate his birthday, I wouldn't expect him to pick up the tab

@Straighttalking1

You're not being unreasonable but I would have paid the 130. Not going behind DH back (in full view, in front of him). This is a bug bear of mine. I can't stand ppl who expect and accept others paying for their meals.

How exactly would you pay that to the BIl? Just curious on how can one force money on someone who doesn't want them and not look lile a twat

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

BIL insisted on paying. He obviously wanted to treat everyone - his choice. But you decided that your DH should undermine BIL on his birthday by overruling him re: paying on his birthday. YABU about that.

What was the reason for giving SIL £20 for each for the kids? Do they have a birthday coming up? Tbh, it's a bit weird. If I wanted to treat my nephews and nieces I'd either give them a nice gift or treat them to a cake/ice cream while we're out. Not shove cash at their parents.

Do you normally feel that you have to throw cash at people in order to be liked? Giving money when it's socially inappropriate to do so isn't being 'nice', it can actually be very manipulative and weird, and it's not clear at all from your post as to what category this falls into.

How was what OP did weird?! She clearly felt really awkward about BIL paying and wanted to contribute and that was a nice gesture. Yes BIL paid but to be offered half is just polite.

@Straighttalking1

You're not being unreasonable but I would have paid the 130. Not going behind DH back (in full view, in front of him). This is a bug bear of mine. I can't stand ppl who expect and accept others paying for their meals.

So you've never let anyone treat you to something?

You've never let a friend or family member host at a party, and provide the food and drink?

Really?!

Soiarse82, why so rude? You don't understand the convention, that's fine but no need to display your ignorance so gratuitously.

You're talking about a completely different thing - giving money to your younger relatives. What has led you to think that others on the thread don't do that also? The only difference is that some of us wouldn't conflate imposing on somebody else's generosity in hosting buy flinging out a bit of money to make a point.

It was badly done. The money wasn't given to the nephews as a generous gift, it was given awkwardly in visible embarrassment and not even by the relative (ie. the uncle), but in a fit of pique by his wife. Awkward and crass and not well intentioned. I would have been highly embarrassed if I'd been the BIL/SIL because that's not how it's done.

BIL should have been thanked and allowed to pay - his birthday, his decision. I think some posters are getting a bit giddy about a scenario of 'paying for the birthday girl'. This is not the same thing at all.

This is a bug bear of mine. I can't stand ppl who expect and accept others paying for their meals

so would you go up to the bride and groom at a wedding and hand them money for the food and drink you consumed at the meal?

Would you go to a dinner party or a friend's for a birthday dinner and give her the money for the meal? Context is everything here.

@Straighttalking1

You're not being unreasonable but I would have paid the 130. Not going behind DH back (in full view, in front of him). This is a bug bear of mine. I can't stand ppl who expect and accept others paying for their meals.

That would be so rude. If anyone did that to me I’d never forgive them. If it was cash I’d make sure they saw me tip the waiting staff with it.

Context is everything here

oh and can I add social etiquette and norms which the op has broken.

Mumsnetters need to amend their motto

"No is a complete sentence unless I don't like it then I still do whatever the fuck I want "

@TeloMere

YABU. Some people get a lot of pleasure spending money on people they love. Your brother in law wanted to treat everyone and you undermined him. And made a fool of yourself.

She said the BIL didn’t want the parents to pay but doesn’t say BIL wouldn’t have appreciated his brothers contribution. If her husband is anything like my dad, he lets everyone else pay and doesn’t offer because he’s so tight and it’s really embarassing. My mum has to force him to put his hand in his pocket.

Maybe OP felt embarrassed and only had £40 cash on her and wanted to contribute!

Eliatan - Yes - parents offered to pay and OP's husband offered to pay - both were declined by BIL who elected to pay the bill. Parents understood as did the DH. They offered to pay.

He should have been allowed to do that without fuss or fanfare; grateful thanks would have been enough. Not this awkwardness by trying to encroach on BIL's generosity with this manic gifting of random notes.

I expect OP will return to say that she's been told by everybody in her family that she did the right thing but, it wasn't right.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Maybe we're not all as stingey as you!

I treat people to stuff all the time.

I just don't go out of my way to embarrass people when they want to treat me. Being polite about someone wanting to pay =/= stingy.

The gift for the nephews/nieces in this case was a passive aggressive move, not a kind gesture.

Oh give over, passive aggressive to pass money on to children! OP was just being generous. I'm surprised at how many people think its unreasonable to give money to your nieces and nephews, either mumsnet is a very odd place or this is the difference between English and Irish customs, I'm Irish and it's it's a very normal part of our culture to give younger family members money. And offering to pay for half of the meal is just common decency!

Hosting a party (whether a wedding or a dinner party), or taking your friends/family to a nice restaurant for a celebratory meal, is equivalent to giving your loved ones a gift. The gift is the party/meal, and you want to enjoy it in their company, with no one worrying about the cost.

If someone gave you an expensive physical gift, you wouldn't open it, tot up the cost and offer to give them equivalent cash, would you? Or slip them a backhander as you're leaving? Of course not! Although you would probably plan to get them a lovely gift for their next birthday in return.

So why behave any differently in a restaurant when someone has made it clear they are treating you to celebrate an occasion?

@snowgecko

YABU. BIL wants to treat you all for his birthday. While you might offer to pay, surely the polite thing to do is then accept gratefully?

This.