Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

[ConeyIsland23]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

You do you OP.

I wouldn't have when I was 22 and now I'm 42 I wouldn't be wanting to marry someone 22. But that's me.

Realistically? It’s fine. If you’re both in love I don’t think 15 yrs is a major issue.

However lovely he is, such a huge age gap will cause endless issues and sacrifices in a life partner (and they will mainly be yours). If you were my dd I'd strongly advise you think again.

What’s his situation? You read on here all the time about older men who’ve been previously married marrying a much younger person and then a few years in the younger partner is posting on here about being unpaid care to his kids from his previous marriage and is completely shackled with no hope of leaving.

If you want Pros and Cons - Pro - you both bring something different to the table -Con - with a 15 yr age gap you may not have the same cultural references. However this isn’t necessarily a problem

It’s not the age gap as such. There will be many years that you wouldn’t notice it, and many years that it really shows.
It’s more than 22 is very young to be thinking about getting married and starting a family, you have so much ahead of you still that you might want to do, travelling, trying different careers, all of that will be so much harder, once a mortgage and children are in the picture. Unless there are known/suspected fertility concerns on your side which is making you keen to start a family sooner, I would not let his age drive the agenda with respect to marriage/family plans - the only time wasted will be yours.

Be sensible. Do not marry him. Has he been married before? How long have you known him? Does he have DC? What do you work as ? Are you just finished University? Would you like to travel the world?

Read Nancy Mitford, Love in a Cold Climate. (just finished reading and love her!!!).

@Porcupineintherough

However lovely he is, such a huge age gap will cause endless issues and sacrifices in a life partner (and they will mainly be yours). If you were my dd I'd strongly advise you think again.

This.

Love is not enough. It just isn’t.
Do you have the same values, the same attitude to money, a shared plan for the future?
Personally I am not in favour of large age gaps, especially when the younger partner is in their early 20s. You change a lot between 20 and 25. And as other posters have said, any sacrifices are more likely to be yours. I would not proceed.

How long have you been together? Is he your first ‘boyfriend’? Has he love-bombed you? Do you want children in the future? -Does he want children?

Why not wait 5 years and if you still love each other get married then. You will be 27 and he will be 42. Still plenty young enough for children.

you are so young as pp said.
you have things to live. meet other people, etc.

I’m around your boyfriend’s age and I would never marry a 22 year old, however great they were, unless really necessary eg immigration. It would feel like an unequal power balance as I have so much more life experience, a career etc plus my friends are the same age etc.

I expect you’ll go through with it but belatedly realise you essentially missed out on your twenties as you’ll go straight into living the life of someone in mid thirties. You’ll probably only regret that when you get older or even when your kids hit this age and you’ll have a massive OH FUCK moment, both about having missed out on being young and also the extremely strange choice your partner is making.

There were 15 years between my parents and they were very happy. But they were a lot older than you when they got married.

Why get married now? Wait

@Cabbagewhites

Why not wait 5 years and if you still love each other get married then. You will be 27 and he will be 42. Still plenty young enough for children.

thats a good idea, too.

My parents were the same age gap and only a year older when they got married - they're 40 years in. It can work! Will say though that my dad is very fit and healthy for his age and even so my mum is having to start thinking realistically about what happens when he does become less able.

My main concern with this is I think there can be a sort of in-built inequality with such a large age gap, almost like a sort of teacher/pupil or boss/employee dynamic. Then when the younger partner grows in confidence and maturity and knowledge and experience, it can upset the status quo and not all older partners can cope with relinquishing their superior status.

Your parents are probably thinking you’ll either be a young ish widow or having to care for someone. These are all possible any age you marry, just do what makes you happy

My Uncle is 18 years older than my step aunt. They've been married 44 years this year. So far so good as far as I know.

Does he have children from previous relationship(s)?

I ask because that would make a difference to any advice I might offer to someone in your position.

I have adult DC and would advise them against this.
My bias has come from seeing age gap couples get older (invariably in my circles it is women becoming nurses/carers)

At 23 I was seeing a 40 year old so similar age gap. It didn’t work out and I blame the age gap (as well as the fact that he was a dickhead). I still wanted to go partying etc but he just wanted to sit in front of the telly.

Not saying you’ll be the same that was just my experience

@Eralos

Your parents are probably thinking you’ll either be a young ish widow or having to care for someone. These are all possible any age you marry, just do what makes you happy

They're right, though the OP is so young she probably wouldn't let that worry her at this point. My neighbour married a man a similar number of years older and they had a very happy marriage - but she spent his last 10 years as a full-time carer for him and was widowed in her early 70s.

I'm also your boyfriends age, and to me the 22 year olds I know are still so young - and I mean very mature ones. The brain keeps developing till 25. I really believe that to be true, looking back: at 22 I worked, travelled, lived independently, pursued career goals. I also had some relationships with men in their late 30s. Looking back, I absolutely put up with behaviour/put on a pedestal men who I would engage with totally differently now. It didn't do me any harm, but I wouldn't be happy to be married to any of them now!

The most 'successful' age gap relationships I know, with a man similar number of years older than you, the man waited to have children until the woman was at a suitable point in her career, which translated to 30. If I were you, I'd wait till you were 25 at least to marry.

The majority of relationships I know with that age gap, all I can say is I strongly feel the younger party (its so far always been a woman) wouldn't have got together with the older one if they were closer in age, say five years. As in, the smart together 22 year old who I met when she dated my 36 year old room mate, who thought he was so sophisticated because he liked wine and foreign films and was so much more well read compared to her contemporaries, I would 100% swear if she had got to 36 would have given him short shrift for his inability to use a hoover and general emotional immaturity.

If you think you could marry and have children with him, then that will still be the case in a few years: if he's not prepared to wait that long then he's not the one for you.