Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

[ConeyIsland23]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

you're too young.

i had an age gap marriage. its fine-ish until you're turning 30 odd and they're staring down 50, have all kinds of health problems, are grumpy, fed up, and unwilling to encourage you to flourish because they're thinking about retirement just as you're coming into whats the prime of your life.

My ex spends all his time working, or sleeping.. while i'm enjoying life, marrying him was the worst decision i EVER made.

It's not 'doom and gloom' to say that the chances of being in ill health increase markedly as you age. Or that men's life expectancy is lower than women's. A few anecdotes to the contrary don't change reality.

^This 100%. My DM was 12 years younger than my F, and she was 27 when they got married. He developed Parkinson’s a few years later (when my siblings and I were small) and then died at age 70, when she was 58. (He’d also had several strokes during his later years.) She’ll be 82 this month, so she’s been a widow for very many years.

My F was also sexually abusive to my DSis and me and controlling of my DM, though, so it’s no bad thing that he died when he did. But his illness and relatively early death amply demonstrate the pitfalls of a large age gap.

So I wouldn’t be happy if one of my own DDs wanted to marry a man who was a lot older than themselves. (They’re 12 and 9 now, so thankfully that’s a long way off still.) I therefore understand where your parents are coming from, OP.

Obviously, though, we don’t know either you or your partner. There have been very positive stories on here about successful age gap relationships on here. It’s just that I think the age gap is something that does need to be considered very carefully when making your decision.

Well maybe the OP isn’t swayed by the status either. But she should consider it.

And I would always warn a fellow consultant that they risk being seen as taking advantage of someone at work in the medical setting with such a gap. Doctors marry peers, both medical and allied health professionals all the time, but with someone much younger they would need to be careful they aren’t abusing their status. We will probably never know, the OP doesn’t want to tell us specifics of their work.

@LizzieW1969 One thing that stands out from so many posts is the idea that everyone can find someone who is absolutely perfect in every way including what some perceive as an ideal age or age gap.

Real life isn't like that. I know friends who married with a 20 year age gap. I know women who were widowed in their 30s and 40s as their young H's died suddenly.

If you fall in love with someone and feel they are the right person for you, would you give them up just because there was a 10-15 year age difference?

And if, a woman is widowed in her 50s or 60s, she may have 30 years of life left and find another partner.

My great aunt found a new partner in her 70s and they had 20 years before they both died.

Another of my aunts remarried in her 50s after her first husband died at 51.

There is no 'perfect' life. Many people would rather have 20 or 30 happy years with the right person than 50 years with the wrong one.

When you are my age (I'm an older Mnetter) you see so many tragedies where one partner dies young, or half your friends divorce, or live with ill health for years, you realise that life is about grabbing happiness where you can, and not thinking too far ahead.

Ok, as I said previously don’t give up your career to be a housewife
You also need to keep working to maintain registration. I’m guessing you’re an AHP or nurse.
You’ll both have enough to afford ft childcare, so don’t give up work

YANBU to marry an older person. Fertility issues do need to be considered if you want children, but a man of 37 should have no age-related fertility problems. You do also need to be very sure that you know everything you need to about previous relationships, existing children, etc. Otherwise, the assumption that people are always going to have clashing interests and personality characteristics just because they are of different ages is IMO a bit like the assumption that people of different ethnic groups or cultural backgrounds are incompatible. Not everyone conforms to an age stereotype, and expecting them to do so is just as bad as any other form of stereotyping.

Having said this, I think that the fact that you are so concerned by your parents' opinion, and are asking for ours, may mean that you and your partner need a bit more time to decide whether you are really ready to marry.
H

I have a good career (although I am only one year in) but I have achieved a lot.

Giving up your job to stay at home with kids is very risky at such an early stage in your career.

We do want a few kids so we want to start trying as soon as we can and not leave it too late.

"Leave it too late" for what? Or for who?

Certainly not for you.

We are both doing well and at the peak of our relationship. So why delay things?

On the contrary, I would say why not delay things, given that you're so young. But it's our choice obviously, and it seems that you've already made up your mind.

Your choice, obviously!

The timeline and dynamics interest me
You’re 22, 1 year qualified. So 18-21yo at uni. 22yo and Newly qualified
How long have you been dating him? Did you meet when you were a student?was he working in a setting you had a student placement? Or did you meet when you were training but not directly working together

The power dynamics of him dating the much younger student or NQ grad are skewed in his favour.
You’re already taking about giving up work. I note he is not giving up or going PT. But already it’s decided you’ll give up work to stay home. That will significantly affect your career progression

Women live longer than men anyway, it's very likely you'll end up being his carer in the last decade or two of your life

He would have to be very very Seriously Special.

Love is love. If you are in love and happy, I don’t see the problem with doing what you both want as it is you two in the relationship, not everyone else.

@EspressoDoubleShot

The timeline and dynamics interest me You’re 22, 1 year qualified. So 18-21yo at uni. 22yo and Newly qualified How long have you been dating him? Did you meet when you were a student?was he working in a setting you had a student placement? Or did you meet when you were training but not directly working together

The power dynamics of him dating the much younger student or NQ grad are skewed in his favour.
You’re already taking about giving up work. I note he is not giving up or going PT. But already it’s decided you’ll give up work to stay home. That will significantly affect your career progression

You've created an imaginary scenario where he was the OPs teacher and then condemning him....

[quote MakingmeaCake]@LizzieW1969 One thing that stands out from so many posts is the idea that everyone can find someone who is absolutely perfect in every way including what some perceive as an ideal age or age gap.

Real life isn't like that. I know friends who married with a 20 year age gap. I know women who were widowed in their 30s and 40s as their young H's died suddenly.

If you fall in love with someone and feel they are the right person for you, would you give them up just because there was a 10-15 year age difference?

And if, a woman is widowed in her 50s or 60s, she may have 30 years of life left and find another partner.

My great aunt found a new partner in her 70s and they had 20 years before they both died.

Another of my aunts remarried in her 50s after her first husband died at 51.

There is no 'perfect' life. Many people would rather have 20 or 30 happy years with the right person than 50 years with the wrong one.

When you are my age (I'm an older Mnetter) you see so many tragedies where one partner dies young, or half your friends divorce, or live with ill health for years, you realise that life is about grabbing happiness where you can, and not thinking too far ahead.[/quote]
Yes yes yes. Brilliant comment

DH is 16 years older than me

I don’t want kids and he had them with his ex wife and they are grown up so suits me .

Any Imbalance due to age is fixed by me earning twice what he does and he is not poorly paid! I will however benefit from his final salary pension which will be payable at 2/3 to me after he dies and for the rest of my life

We are both doing well and at the peak of our relationship. So why delay things?

You need that peak to plateau. So you both know what you can rely upon, fall back upon in the hard times, long term.

Just wait until you're 25. You'll still be a young mum with many fertile years ahead. Him too, not young but not old for a new dad.

I haven’t created imaginary anything my post is factual based upon op account
She’s a 22yo new grad he’s a 37yo doctor. I asked did they meet in work whilst she was a student or meet when she was a new grad?
You have introduced teacher as a falsehood. They’re both HCP

I find I both agree and profoundly disagree with the comment above that life is about grabbing happiness where you can, and not thinking too far ahead.

Revelling in moments of happiness, enjoying life in that moment, recognising that this might be as good as it gets, yes.

Making long-term, life-changing commitments impulsively, without basic risk-assessment, self-knowledge and reflection, no.

I've lived long enough to see people live to regret those hasty decisions, at leisure. Slow motion car crashes are not a pleasant watch. Neither are the fast kind that take years, lifetimes, to recover from, if recovery is possible at all.

The issue isn't the age gap. It's the OP's age. The impossibility of well-developed adult self-knowledge at that age. The lack of practical life knowledge and experience that would inform any basic risk-assessment.

I felt I was on top of my game at 22-23 too. Peak me. Peak relationship. Peak career possibility. Potential doesn't last. It needs to be replaced by evidence and that is hard won, takes work and doesn't always take you in the direction you expected. I would go so far as to say very rarely does.

I'm not suggesting you break up. Ride that peak relationship wave, enjoy it! Get engaged if it feels romantic. Just give things time to settle down and yourself a chance to grow - in the context of the wider world, not just the dream in your head - before you commit yourself to 20+ years of child-rearing.

If your relationship involves one person giving things up eg work that introduces a disparity and potential resentment. He gets to keep career, salary,progression and op becomes financially dependent upon him,with no career. That’s unbalanced and disproportionately disadvantages the female

I'm not suggesting you break up. Ride that peak relationship wave, enjoy it! Get engaged if it feels romantic. Just give things time to settle down and yourself a chance to grow - in the context of the wider world, not just the dream in your head - before you commit yourself to 20+ years of child-rearing.

Great advice, OP!

My husband is 11 years older than me. And definitely never noticed the difference until now. In his 50s he's aged loads and just wants to stay home in his slippers. That's not what I want! He was in his 30s when we got together and much more outgoing.

I've had a relationship with a similar gap, it was fine until he got to his mid-40's and he then didn't want to go too much, became a bit "pipe and slippers", thought my 30 year old friends were "immature" etc. We also had a child. He is now in his 60's and while we have co-parented well over two decades, he is very much older than me in every way and we couldn't be more different. Further, after the death of my Mum, my Dad married my (lovely) step-mum. 20 year age gap that didn't seen so awful at the time, they were a good match. However, she is now a full time carer to my elderly Dad with Alzheimers. She's not that much older than me and is a "young" woman in every way, I still have a primary aged child! I don't think they truly anticipated this. Lots to think about. That's not to say it won't work, but do look at things without rose tinted glasses

How long have you been together OP? Presumably at least 2 years so you were 20 when a 35 year old man pursued you? This makes me a bit uncomfortable. Why is he not going out with someone his own age? Does he want someone much younger he can control?

Yes And did they meet when she was student in his work setting?
It’s reasonably common that medics and hcp date at work,after all we spend huge amount of time there with people who are similarly minded. I have not encountered the 37yo dating the 22yo new grad in the workplace

On the life is about grabbing happiness where you can, and not thinking too far ahead theme, by all means grab joyful but ultimately unsuitable relationships. All part of the fun of youth. Even go so far as to marry young, if you must. Marriages can be ended. Being young, you probably stand to lose very little from an unsuitable first marriage.

Children though. Children cannot be sent back. They are the biggest commitment you can make, with another adult. You will be committed to co-parenting with their father for 18+ years, whatever else happens in either of your lives. Children do not fit the 'grabbing happiness when you can' narrative. They're great, they do bring happiness (for many / most people, not all) but it's intermittent, in amongst a lot of drudge work. They also bring a lifelong commitment and priority, that means you cannot put yourself entirely first again, for the foreseeable future.

Workwise, 1-2 years experience isn't much, if you're trying to re-establish a career after a 5-10 year absence. Get yourself into the 3-5 years bracket, with some progression and you'll be a much more re-employable prospect.

Finally (this thread has been playing on my mind a bit) your DP sounds like a very focused, successful man, who knows what he wants and when he wants it. (I've met the type. Establish career, tick. Have youthful fun and travel, tick. Gain senior / permanent contract, tick. Settle down and have family, tick). People who have achieved continuous success, worked hard to move from one step to another throughout their lives and achieved what they set out to do, commonly find it very, very hard to deal with bad luck, failure or things going wrong for them. They haven't built up the resilience on the way up that others who've struggled more, or experienced set-backs, have. If things go wrong, they panic at the unfamiliar feeling, experience and display horrible symptoms of stress and sometimes crash and burn in many ways.

I wonder if you have any idea how your DP responds to stress - that is the stress of the unexpected, the disappointing, of things not going his way? I don't mean the everyday, expected, managed stress that is part and parcel of his career.

What happens if one you is infertile, or you struggle to conceive? If you have a child with additional needs, who necessarily becomes the central focus of both your lives, for example? What is he willing to give up, to compromise on, to make family life work? To make life with you, if a family isn't forthcoming, work?

Have you ever seen him in a situation that is truly outside his control, when things haven't gone his way and he hasn't got what he wanted? How did he respond to that?

I would want to get to know him (any potential marriage partner) much better than you possibly can in a year or so, while things were going well for you both, before committing my and future children's lives to him. I'd want to know how things will work during the bad times, the difficult times, the times when compromise is necessary. When you really need to look after each other and it isn't fun. Is he the one who will do that for you? Your future children? Have you seen that quality, rather than just being told it's there?