Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

[ConeyIsland23]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

I married someone 15 years older than me, I was 22 when we got married, all was great to begin with but the gap became more and more obvious as years went by, dh seemed to be winding down with life, became lazy, had health issues and had no dreams, where as I wanted adventure and excitement, travel and to have hobbies. We lasted 11 years then I left.

As someone who married the 15 years older man I met at 23, I'd advise you don't

My parents had a 20 year age gap.

My mum adored my dad, who was not an easy person, definitely a love story in her eyes, for 37 years, till he died (and her shortly after).

The important thing was that they had a similar perspective on the importance of family life, wanted children, similar values in lots of ways, though they came from different cultures.

An acquaintance married a young woman also 20 years younger; it was very difficult as it later appeared they wanted different things from life, at the different points they were at,

I do think some posters are taking quite a narrow view of marriage - i.e. you can't change at all, and must immediately settle down and start having babies.

Well no, but marriage is a major commitment which is a pain in the arse to get out of if it goes wrong, which is does 40% of the time, with divorce rates higher in couples with major age gaps.

What really would such a young woman have to gain from marriage right now? It's not the 1950s. There's no shame in living together. Why tie herself down with a near middle aged man when she's still so young?

my mum was 24 when they married btw

I would think long and hard either way but especially if he has kids already.

I'm late 30s and for me the the gap would be less of an issue if you were 32 and he was 47.
At 22 (non patronisingly) you still have a tonne of growing at maturing to do. My 20s changed me and shaped me a lot.

His age and earnings invariably mean there is going to be a decided power imbalance in your relationship.
I had 2 friends in relationships like this. Their husbands decidedly did NOT like it when their wives hit their 30s and started thinking for themselves / having opinions / not blithely agreeing with everything. One is now divorced, one is unhappily married but he talked her into being a stay at home mum so she is stuck there for the kids.
The age gap has been a bit problematic in terms on energy re:kids and also health concerns are starting to appear.
And i think being their "trophy" to show off and then becoming their nurse and carer would be a worry for me.

You still have so much life to live /things to see, do and discover - he might be the one for you equally, he might be massive mistake.

I am in no way suggesting you end it - you clearly love him!
But equally there is no reason or rush to marry...so i would suggest a "watch and wait" approach.
Personally, i would plan for a long engagement and maybe look to marry when you are 28-30. If your DP is pressuring you to marry asap its a real red flag.
I would also not consider children premarriage.

If it isn't what you want, breaking up and moving out is much much easier than divorce.

OP, that's hardly an age gap.

No don't marry him, there's no rush, you're so young so much can change for you in the next few years, consider again if your still together when you're a 30yr old, and he's 45yr old.

I’d say be in love, don’t get married, see how you feel when you’re 25.

I wouldn’t marry anyone at 22. I certainly would t even consider marrying someone I had to ask the Internet about.

Your choices are;

1. marry him and see how it goes
2. Get engaged and wait a while
3. Don't get engaged but keep dating
4. Leave him

Go with your gut. There is no way to ever guarantee if a relationship will work out, regardless of age or circumstance. By all means consider the pros and cons but after that you really just have to go with what feels right.

If you are unsure then #2 seems the best bet.

@TatianaBis

I’d say be in love, don’t get married, see how you feel when you’re 25.

This. What’s the rush? If you are so in love then enjoy it and have a long engagement. Give it a few more years and see how you feel. I’m 39 and I’m so different now to how I was in my early and mid twenties. What I thought I wanted from life then is very different to what I wanted a few years later when I had a bit more life experience.

A friend's dad married a girl of 24 (got together when she was 21) when he was 59.
The whole of both families were dead against it.
He is now 90 and has dementia and she is really struggling as her mum also has dementia and her dad isn't well.
However, until the last two years, they had 30 apparently very happy years together. Lots of theatre, concerts, gardening and months of travelling in a camper van they fitted out themselves. She says it has been worth it and she found the person she wanted to spend her life with.

Forget the large age difference, what’s more pressing is why do you want to get married at 22? It’s soooooo young, live your life first. You will be a different person when you are 32, wait till you’ve experienced all of what life has to offer before making such a commitment.

With regards to the age gap, what do you have in common? A 22 yr old and a 37 yr old are poles apart culturally. Also I’m 50 in 3 years. I would not want to be married to a 65 year old man 😬

My dear friend just lost her DH of 50+ years. They had a 13 yr age gap.

During the majority of their marriage the gap wasn't even noticeable. But once he hit about 75 his health started failing she became his carer and her world gradually became very 'small'. She was no longer free to come and go as she pleased nor to travel because he needed her at home. He didn't care for 'people in the house' so other than family she really didn't see many people. She became very isolated and as a result became a bit nervous and depressed. This was the state of her life for 8 years.

As much as she grieves his loss, she is also feeling a sense of release because she is now free to 'resume' her life.

This isn't always the way it goes, of course, but I'd say the chances are greater that it will happen as an age gap gets larger. If that's something you feel you're ready to deal with 'when the time comes' then marry.

I got together with my husband when I was 24 and he was 39, we were married a year later and had our first baby another year later ie 26 and 41.
It's a bit odd having a big age gap, like we are definitely of different generations (he was a proper 80s goth while I was into early 00s emo!), but I would say that the important thing is that we rub along well enough, character-wise. My Mum also had a similar age gap with my Dad and her advice was that it gets difficult as the man approaches retirement age while the woman is still having to work, it can be hard hitting different stages of life at different times. My husband didn't already have children so that made things easier, I don't think I would have been able to be a step mum at that age (and still wouldn't now, 9 years later!).
Ultimately you do what you feel is right, every couple is different!

Years down the line you may have to be his nurse - though that could happen anyway with any unexpected serious illness - could you cope with that?

You need to talk about it with him. In many ways it could be great. You want kids soon - he is ready to have kids and be a present father (this is obviously an assumption!) whereas a 22 year old man is likely not and some are still very reliant on care from parents. He is likely more established in his career and so will be able to focus on you/kids. He likely has a better sense of who he is and what he wants which makes a person more stable. The maturity gap is significant in some cases and can make an age gap relationship works. Yes he will get older before you. It is more likely he will die before you and may need care (although this is in decades) but marrying someone your own age does not mean that won’t happen it just makes it less likely. I married someone older and wouldn’t have it any other way but you do have to go into it with eyes open, planning for pensions and what happens if scenarios - you do with any marriage but the considerations may be slightly different.

I got married at 21 to my husband who was 28 at the time

We are solid

On average men die younger than women - you could have a long time as a widow.

But that would have been impossible for me to imagine at 22. I also wouldn't have wanted kids at 22 either though, so probably best that you just do yourself.

@Cabbagewhites

Why not wait 5 years and if you still love each other get married then. You will be 27 and he will be 42. Still plenty young enough for children.

This is excellent advice. You change so much in your twenties, you're still working out who you want to be and what you want to do with your life.

It probably won't work out in the long term, but it will more than likely greatly improve your financial position so I'd go for it. I wouldn't have children with him though.

Some relationships work others don’t regardless of any age, but I would say why get married at 22 I got married at 21, divorced him at 27 , you do a lot of changing from 22 to 30ish, my friend is 15 years younger than her partner been living together never married he’s in his seventies now and she’s saying nothing in common for several years she’s youngish says he’s like an old man, life’s a gamble,

My parents have a 9 year age gap and got married when mum was 20. They have been married for 50+ and now in 70s/80s. Mum now has to accept Dad has slowed down and I know sometimes she finds it hard but live finds a way. The age gap may hit you more as you get older so that is worth bearing in mind but definitely not a reason to not go ahead.

This subject/thread content comes up once or twice a week on here just lately!

Wouldn't be for me sorry @ConeyIsland23 Whilst a 37 y.o. man is still quite young and energetic, and maybe 'go-getting' and possibly suited to a young 20-something woman; I don't see him being the same in 8-10 years (but YOU still will be... Probably...)

Many men, when they get to 50, start becoming moany and grumpy, and seem to develop multiple health issues. (Not serious usually, but just enough for them to perpetually moan about their 'ailments.') Some of them become a bit lazy too. I know half a dozen or so men of that generation who have cut down on their hours at work - dropped from 38 to 28 a week, (several have dropped to 18-20 hours a week,) because they're 'knackered' all the time! These are men with jobs that are a piece of piss, not heavy work, and hard physical labour etc.

Our older male relatives (born pre 1930s) are probably turning in their graves at how idle and precious some men are these days, and how they're ready to give up work, and keep feigning illnesses for time off sick, when they get to 50-ish.

One man I know (aged 51,) reckons he has as 'earned his stripes' as he has 'worked for 30 years now,' so constantly comes up with new 'ailments' and illnesses, in the hope he can get written off on full time sick... He has been doing this for 3 years, but because there is NOTHING wrong with him, he is still having to work!

Imagine being with a man like that when you're only in your mid 30s, and you have young (primary age) children with him? And you can be sure, in the vast majority of cases, that he won't pull his weight around the house, or with the childcare. Men who go for women virtually young enough to be their daughter, aren't usually 'modern men' who will share the load 50-50!

And you are only 22 @ConeyIsland23 This time in your life is for fun and adventure and excitement, not getting married to a man who is almost middle aged.