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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

437 replies

ConeyIsland23 · 30/08/2021 12:28

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 30/08/2021 13:24

Realistically? It’s fine. If you’re both in love I don’t think 15 yrs is a major issue.

Not at 22 and 37, but it may be at 60 and 75.

DH is 7 years older than me and is nearing 70. He has had some very serious health issues and is slowing down a lot. At nearly 63 I'm still wanting to go out, do things, live my life etc, but DH just likes to go walking, go to the pub or stay at home. He never wants to do anything else.

Porcupineintherough · 30/08/2021 13:26

Oh nonsense @oakleaffy. Just because you TRULY love someone doesnt mean you cant also rationally think through the consequences of marrying them.

Aprilx · 30/08/2021 13:27

When I was 24 I started seeing somebody 14 years older than me and I was with them for about 5 or 6 years. It didn’t work out for reasons nothing t do with age. But now I am 51 and he will be 65, I am really glad and relieved I am not with a 65 year old. I don’t feel our lives would be in step at this point.

Don’t do it, the age difference might not matter too much now, but it probably will in the future.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/08/2021 13:27

@Nanny0gg

You will start to notice the gap when you hit 50

I think she'll start to notice the gap the moment she has the first baby and says she'd like to go out to meet a friend for coffee and realises that he expects her to stay indoors 'because you're a mother now' whilst he goes out and complains that she's boring.

toastfiend · 30/08/2021 13:28

There's almost 20 years between my parents, they met when my DM was early 20s but didn't marry for several years. They've been extremely happy together for decades, far more so than most of my friends' parents with much smaller age gaps. I hope my marriage is as happy as theirs has been. My DF has suffered severe ill health, though, and I think that has been tough as my DM is extremely active and wants to get out and about, whereas DF is at an age and state of health where that's less possible than it used to be. I guess that can be the issue with a large age gap, but equally, perhaps that's better than both of you being old and suffering ill health at the same time? I'm not sure. Either way, from my experience of my parents being together it certainly wouldn't stop me from marrying someone older if I loved them. As it is, DH and I have a relatively small age gap of a few years, but did marry when i was very early 20s. Together almost a decade now and still very happy so I don't think marrying young is necessarily an issue either, although I felt like I'd done a lot of living before we married. Had I had a sheltered upbringing or university experience I guess I might feel like I'd missed out.

sadie9 · 30/08/2021 13:29

I guess ask yourself why you are attracted to this older man?
Are you looking for a Dad to look after you or are you looking for a true equal adult who will do his best to empower you as an adult?

Also, ask yourself you want to try for kids at aged 22?
Does this man have an ideal of 'family' that he is placing on you.

If you were going to marry a 23yr old man would you both be wanting to 'try for kids' at that age?

If you have kids then be careful what that signs you up for.

Then again maybe you want a life where you are at home with children and your husband goes out to work. That can be isolating unless you have family or friends who live close by.

My advice is...if you are querying any part of it, if you have any outstanding questions in your mind, or more importantly - your gut, then wait.
There is nothing to be lost by waiting a couple of years to see if this is really what you want.

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 13:29

@cookingisoverrated

I would strongly discourage my own children to get married at 22 to ANYONE, let alone someone 15 years older than they are.

Same.

You are so young, with so much living and growing to do. To those who have said they got married young because they already had their 'blow out', youth isn't just about going to raves and shagging multiple people - although if you want to, it certainly can be! It's about getitng to know yourself, being able to make misakes and learning from the consequences, and generally finding out about what you want from life. Marrying a much older man is going to limit your ability to do that.

15 years is a major age difference, however you dress it up. You are just starting out on life, he is on the cusp of middle age. Probably most of his friends are already settled down with families, and he wants that too. But you have loads of time for that, and indeed to think if it's what you even want. I agree with others that you should wait at least another 5 years before deciding. What's the big rush? For him maybe. Not for you.

HollowTalk · 30/08/2021 13:29

@Porcupineintherough

However lovely he is, such a huge age gap will cause endless issues and sacrifices in a life partner (and they will mainly be yours). If you were my dd I'd strongly advise you think again.

This.

You are so young and have everything in front of you. I wouldn't advise you to marry anyone at this point, never mind someone who was your age when you were seven.

Mamainthemaking · 30/08/2021 13:30

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5. I am 30, he is 50.

We’ve had no problems. We’re best friends, both on the same page, have the same life goals. We both have great careers, a beautiful house we both contribute too. We have a daughter on the way.

The only problem I have ever experienced is judgemental people. People who look their nose down on us because we dared to fall in love with someone that isn’t the society norm. If you can ignore those people, I’m sure you’ll have a marriage as happy and fulfilling as ours.

stilllovegeorge · 30/08/2021 13:32

If you are in love now then marry. I went out with someone 11 years older than me and he proposed, but I decided not to marry him, but not due to his age. No one knows what will happen in life. Just because you're younger it doesn't mean necessarily you'll outlive him. I would concentrate on your values rather than age in the decision.

Esspee · 30/08/2021 13:36

My husband was 16 years older than me. It was never an issue.
He did die at 70. That might be cause for consideration.

wewereliars · 30/08/2021 13:36

I would look very hard at why a 37 year old man wants to be with a 22 year old. You are at completely diffrent life stages.

Also, you should be having the time of YoUr life at 22 not saddling yourself with the responsibilties of babies and marriage. You have so much time to do that OP.

altforvarmt · 30/08/2021 13:37

Some people like to live first, and have children later. Others like to have children early, and enjoy the freedom that comes as their children get more independent. (Some people are lucky enough to do lots of living while also raising children, but they must have endless energy).

Your partner got to live first. You're thinking of having children soon. What happens when you reach your mid-forties and you want to travel and retrain for a new career and explore new hobbies and meet new people, and he's hitting 60 and looking forward to retirement?

godmum56 · 30/08/2021 13:38

not enough info. Do you know him, REALLY know him and how long have you known him for?

Branleuse · 30/08/2021 13:39

you are in very different life stages. A 37 year old will probably want you to settle down and get pregnant when you are just at the beginning and should be socialising, travelling and building up your career. He will convince you that hes young at heart and that you are super mature for your age.

I honestly would advise against this marriage and also keep your wits about you for red flags.
Does he have children? What was his previous relationship ending like? Do you have a career plan?
How long have you been together and what are his friends like?

A lot of people will advise you against this because they know there is much more to a marriage than feeling all passionate and loving, and that an older man convincing a much younger woman to be with him is a massive cliché and a bit of a groomer

Millionnewnames · 30/08/2021 13:40

I was with someone 17 years older. Blissfully happy at first, then his health began to fail ( early on he liked a beer and smoked heavily) this in turn, turned him into a grumpy , paranoid anusive twat and I had to leave the life I built, the beautiful home I loved and start over from scratch. Some men change in middle age and you’ll still be young and attractive and that will cause problems. It might be fine, it might go really sour. Impossible to predict .

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/08/2021 13:42

If you have to ask the Internet at large whether you are being unreasonable to get married (!) I'm going to guess you really shouldn't...

JennieLee · 30/08/2021 13:42

The age gap means more in your twenties and then shrinks as you age…until one you reaches 60+ or retirement and then the age gap becomes important again as lifestyles and health needs change.

Agree with this. My partner's retirement meant some difficult conversations. We were at different stages in our lives. He's also having some health issues now - there's just over a decade between us.

I think the whole 'proposing' thing is really retro. There is nothing to stop you living together if there is a strong wish to see what it's like to share your lives. Or - the more cautious approach - just to carry on going out, spending weekends in each other's company. If he cares that much he'll understand you need plenty of time.

MintyGreenDream · 30/08/2021 13:45

Has he got kids?
I married a 35 Yr old at 24 and I hated being a step mum.Be absolutely sure it's what you want because the age gap will catch up with you long term ime.

Oogachuckachopsy · 30/08/2021 13:45

You’re waaaaaay too young, in my humble opinion.

How long have you been together?

Chocolatericecakes · 30/08/2021 13:53

I first got married at 23 to a man 10 years older than me. We divorced 9 years later.

That was nothing to do with the age gap and everything to do with the fact that he was a dick who refused to grow up. I was too young at 23 to see that.

I later married again to someone my own age and life has been so much easier - we have the same values and points of reference. 20 years later we are still happy.
I agree with those who say it's not the age difference, it's the fact that at 22, I really think you should wait a few years.

Catsrus · 30/08/2021 13:54

My 75yr old friend with the 88yr old husband has just had a major illness. He's fine. You can't assume the older partner will need the care.

Deadringer · 30/08/2021 13:55

I think 22 is a bit young tbh. I got married at 23 (dh the same age) and if i had my time again i would wait a few years. There is lots of evidence that people aren't really fully developed until about 25, your dp has the benefit of having matured and presumably experienced more relationships with other people than you have, i think you should give yourself more time. I have a daughter the same age as you and i would tell her the same thing. Date him, live with him, but you have lots of time in the future for marriage and babies.

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 13:56

@Catsrus

My 75yr old friend with the 88yr old husband has just had a major illness. He's fine. You can't assume the older partner will need the care.

Obviously there will always be exceptions, but once he hits middle and old age, it's highly likely that the older partner would require more health care than his 15 years younger wife. Particularly given longer female life expectancy in general.

There's a reason insurance premiums rise sharply as you age.

toastfiend · 30/08/2021 13:57

Why can't you do the finding yourself thing whilst you're married? I have. Marriage doesn't automatically mean babies, either. DH and I were married for 5 years before we had DS, not due to any outside factors like fertility issues or anything, we just didn't want a baby until then. I do think some posters are taking quite a narrow view of marriage - i.e. you can't change at all, and must immediately settle down and start having babies. DH and I travelled, partied, and focused on our careers for the first 5 years of our marriage until we both felt ready for a baby. He would have been ready a bit before me, being older, but there was no pressure, we just waited until I felt ready. I've changed a lot, become much more secure in myself, found the career path I want, had big changes in priorities, but that hasn't changed mine and DH's relationship because fundamentally I'm still the same person who loves him as much as I always did.

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