Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

[ConeyIsland23]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

The age gap means more in your twenties and then shrinks as you age…until one you reaches 60+ or retirement and then the age gap becomes important again as lifestyles and health needs change.

Wait. If it's meant to be, why the hurry?That's a big gap and your priorities as you go through life will be very different. In 10 years time you'll really start to feel the difference in your energy levels and enthusiasm for new experiences.
He'll retire waaaayyy before you.In your mid-fifties you could well become a carer.
What about kids? Do you want them? Now? Now-ish? If you wait 10 years you'll be fine fertility wise but he'll be far off his peak. If you do wait 10 years and have kids, he's going to be knackered looking after them...

Don't. If you are in love just try and live together. Your interest, your values and priorities will be different when you are 30. You might like entirely different men. Why to restrict your options at such a young age?

Blimey I can understand how your parents feel as I have DD’s in their 20’s.
If it was me I would be having to hold back from kidnapping you and whisking you away from him.
Really he’s too old and you are too young to be settling down.
Who is wanting to have children straight away? If it’s him I would be very wary that he wants to tie you to him.
What’s his relationship history like?

If you need to ask it’s a no-goer, suggests you have misgivings
You already know the potential pitfalls
He’s 17 years older than you. Not likely to want same things at same time
When you’re still young he won’t be. And potentially that age gap will be a chasm as time goes on

The fact he wants to get married shows the difference age makes in priorities - in your late 30s you think, or have pressure, to 'settle down' but at 22 that is generally the farthest thing from anyone's mind.
I wouldn't advise anyone to marry at 22.

Maybe a bit more info from you @ConeyIsland23

How many serious relationships have you had?
How long have you known this man?
Have you lived together at all yet?
Have you got your career sorted out and studying completed?

I can tell you my experience if it helps.

I met someone at 21 who was 13 years older. After a year we did talk about marriage and the age gap didn't bother me. I'd had a reasonable amount of experience before we met. A broken engagement (not my choice) and I was working and supporting myself in a good job.

For various reasons, me and the older man split up but it wasn't about age.

We stayed friends and some years later he married someone 15 years younger than him. They have now clocked up almost 30 years of marriage. She'd been married before and he took on her 3 kids.

It can work, but so much depends on how mature at 22 you are and how much living you've done.

If you’re “not sure” then don’t marry him, it’s really as simple as that. What’s the rush? It doesn’t mean the relationship has to be over

Listen to LividLaVidaLoca they are giving you very good advice. It’s not the age gap that’s the problem. It’s the fact that you want to marry at 22! Get out there and enjoy your youth, vitality and what the world has to offer. If this older man really loves you he will wait for you.

Why the rush?
You’ve spent your 20s so far in lockdown. You surely haven’t had enough fun yet?

-Cabbagewhites

"Why not wait 5 years and if you still love each other get married then. You will be 27 and he will be 42. Still plenty young enough for children."

• this.

You're only 22. So young! What's the big rush? You'll find that your outlook, interests, desires and goals will change SO MUCH in the next 10 years - your boyfriend's not so much. At 37 I'd guess that he's probably pretty much 'fully formed'. How can you know now that you'll grow in the same direction? Absolutely no harm in waiting.

There is a similar age gap between me and dp and I met him when I was 23. We now have 2 children and have been together for 22 years, so it can work.

We have similar attitudes to money, similar interests and a fairly similar attutide to parenting though his is a bit more laid back than mine.

There are times the gap shows - musical taste or our friends being in different age groups for example but generally that's never been a problem as we are both pretty sociable so age isn't really a barrier to getting on with people.

I sometimes worry what the future may hold in terms of caring for him but rationalise that this could be the case in any relationship as you never know what the future may hold. He may end up caring for me, who knows?

It's not always plain sailing but that's been more related to circumstances rather than the age gap.

As others have said - you're still so young. Go out and live your life for a few years while you're young and care free. No doubt he did the same, so if he truly loves you he'll encourage you to enjoy it as well.

I think if you were 30 and marrying a 45 year old no-one would bat an eyelid, but at 22, your brain hasn't even finished maturing. Your life experience will be completely unmatched. You have only been an adult for almost 4 years, he has been one for 19. If you were marrying someone closer to your age, it would be more likely that you would grow and mature together and embark on life's adventure from the same footing.

Why rush into marriage? Wait a few years and if you feel the same then good luck to you :)

I think it all depends on why he is single at 37. Has he decided to get a younger wife thinking be can be in control? This is not always obvious until you have children and he decides his life isn't changing but yours is.

I was married to someone not quite as much older. Now I am 50ish he looks bloody old compared to me.

However, I think in many ways it's fine. Do you have the same values, common interests, does he make you laugh, is he respectful of women, is the level of family involvement he likes something you can live with? All more important than the age gap.

I don’t see a problem with marrying at 22 to a 37yr old so long as you two are compatible as well loving each other. Have a look at the thread about what is essential for long term marriages. Does he respect you? Do you communicate? Can you both compromise? Do you agree on major life decisions- children, where to live, careers, finances, household running, Etc.

I also don’t agree with the conventional wisdom of delaying marriage and children as essential to a good career. It’s really not. What is essential is to go back to work FT as soon as possible and be able to afford and use child care. Countless studies have shown it doesn’t matter what age the woman is when she becomes a mother, the longer she is out of FT work, the more her career suffers. So waiting until 30 is rubbish advice, there is no magic age that will stop the motherhood penalty, the only thing that stops it is not taking years off work to have children. I married at 20 and started our family at 24 after getting my PhD. My DH is 8yrs older than me. It was actually less of a career impact for me to be off when in a junior position than a senior one. And I only took off 12weeks for each of our four children (prebirth through infancy). I was done with childbearing at age 30. My career has been very good...because I was back working FT very quickly and my children were older and more independent the more senior I got (and thus the more demanding my work was).

So take all the conventional wisdom with a grain of salt. The other issue is fertility....so many friends of mine delayed marriage and family until their 30s with the idea that your 20s is for “having fun”.....well many of them struggled with infertility due to waiting that extra decade and now we are almost 50, several are now facing the reality they will likely never have children.

You are not too young to marry or start a family, if that is what you want.

Why the hurry to get married, why not wait a few years? You have so much time to build a life together, if that's what you want.

Is he your first boyfriend? How long have you been together? It's not necessarily a red flag but he may be at a different life stage than you.

I am 37 and wouldn't dream of dating a 22 year old, because I have far more life experience, more self assurance and feel it would be an unbalanced relationship. I also have already done many of the 'firsts' that a young partner would want to do.

If you're happy that's great, but you don't need to rush into shackling yourself to this guy just yet. Wait a few years and see how it goes.

How long have you been together, op?

There is 9 years difference between my husband and I. I've been with him since I was 18 and now I am 42. I do look back and realise I gave up a lot of my youth for him, he had already experienced things that I hadn't and it caused some issues because he didn't seem to really appreciate I too might want to experience those things. We also didn't share the same friends for years and his family/sibling were all older than me so we had vey little in common. However, we've had a very strong marriage and we're happy. Would I advise my daughter to get married at 22 to someone 15 years older - no. Live some of your life first, experience things with and without him. We didn't get married until I was in my mid 30s btw.

Go for it, love is love.

We could all end up as carers for our husbands (accidents and illnesses can strike at any age), so don't let that deter you.

22 is very young to be getting married anyway, nevermind to someone who is almost 40.

That doesn't mean it's automatically bad, but I would probably wait a few years. How long have you been together?

@xILikeJamx

As others have said - you're still so young. Go out and live your life for a few years while you're young and care free. No doubt he did the same, so if he truly loves you he'll encourage you to enjoy it as well.

But what exactly does this mean?

'Live your life for a few years ..and be care free.'

I married at 32 and my 20s were mostly complete misery of being let down by a succession of unsuitable men.

Not every woman wants to go on 18-30 holidays or have loads of boyfriends before they marry.

I certainly think 22 is too young to have kids, and would advise living together for a few years. Forty is still young enough for a man to be father. He's going to be that anyway if you split up and he has to meet another woman.

You will start to notice the gap when you hit 50

OP,
If you TRULY loved him, you’d not be asking strangers on the internet what you should do.
The bloke would be better off finding someone without doubts, especially if he marries and it goes tits up, he’ll lose half of what he probably has amassed.

I have friends who have felt the age gap far more when they get to my age, 50s, on. But that will seem a million miles away to you.
I think don't lose "you". Keep building your own work life and security and no one can say it won't work.