Is your partner a creep?

[Bedpost]

97% of women have been sexually harassed, so there must be a huge number of men responsible for this. I’m a lesbian and don’t have many male friends and never knew my dad. I’m fairly confident that none of my male friends or friends partners would shout at girls in the street, grope women etc (can’t be sure though). I’m wondering who on earth all these men are. There must be millions of these gross men walking among us, so does anyone know them personally? They must be someone’s dad/brother/partner/friend. So does anyone have a current partner or other male they are close to that they know/suspect is a creep?
I’m not really expecting anyone to say yes, but doesn’t it seem strange that nearly all women have experienced sexual harassment but no one seems to know a man (apart from a distant relation or boss/ex they are not on good terms with) who behaves this way? Are you sure that your partner doesn’t stare at/follow/make comments/harass women when you are not there?

@ComtesseDeSpair

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that a large majority of men are creeps. It’s also not fair to assume that most wives have no clue their husbands are creeps.

There are hundreds (thousands?) of threads on this board from OPs who have just discovered their OH cheating, or messaging women inappropriately, or making creepy comments on attractive women’s social media, or using webcam sites, or secretly watching lots of niche porn involving e.g. upskirting or non-consent or teens; often going back for years. And so frequently the OP’s reaction to this is “I never for one moment thought he was capable of this, he’s a perfect gentleman in front of me, he always says how much he hates cheating / porn / sleazy men, everyone we know thinks he’s adorable.

It’s not that these women were stupid or deluded before their discovery. It’s just that most creepy men generally hide it very well.

Yes, there are far more men who are creepy than women want to acknowledge.

And those middle aged office creeps are nearly all married.....

my ex was not the kind who'd shout/stare at random women, he was the kind of creep who can't keep his hands to himself, and his constant sexual harassment of me is one reason i left him.

I think women are UST as bad, some remarks women make towards men are just gross and creepy, yet those women seems to think it's ok for them to talk that way, but if a man does he's a pervert and scum of the earth.

When they do these surveys to get the 97% figure, who are they asking, no one ever asked me. Are these surveys including classing a wolf whistle as sexual assault/discrimination, or just physical assaults

My opinion is from working in a male dominated environments

See the obvious creeps I would stay away from try to avoid it was the nice guys family guys the guys you didn’t suspect that formed my opinion that so many men are creeps when they get the chance to be I think many think they are being charming what young women wants to be charmed by an older married man

@OhWhyNot

My opinion is from working in a male dominated environments

See the obvious creeps I would stay away from try to avoid it was the nice guys family guys the guys you didn’t suspect that formed my opinion that so many men are creeps when they get the chance to be I think many think they are being charming what young women wants to be charmed by an older married man

I think the last part does actually sum up how a depressingly large proportion of men feel about this topic. I remember having a conversation among a large mixed sex group of friends/acquaintances about behaviour like catcalling, approaching women in the street or supermarket or other inappropriate place, and sleazy comments on women’s social media photos.

Several of the men (and more than one of the women, in defence of the men), most of whom came across as nice, intelligent, pro-women sorts of men - basically said “well, I’d personally love it if women randomly gave me sexual attention or tried to chat me up or came over to tell me I looked hot, so women should take it as a compliment; and if women didn’t want men to comment how sexy they are then they wouldn’t post their photos on Instagram; and if women choose to be cam girls or post sexy videos then they must enjoy it so what’s wrong with me watching?”

@YerWanIsGettinNotions

My husband probably isn't. Can't say who he would be if he wasn't with me but he’s a big reader and very empathetic so he's read enough female-influenced literature to get it properly and put himself in a female character's shoes, I think. I can tell by his reactions when someone else makes a creepy comment or action - he’s quick to spot it.

My father, sadly, has almost certainly made countless women very uncomfortable by commenting on their bodies. He thinks he’s good-humoured and complimenting them and it's all in good fun. But when I was growing up it was constant sleazy jokes and comments (we were all well aware that he married our mother for her great legs, that his new secretary was a fine-looking girl, that his best friends wife was a nymphomaniac who propositioned him etc etc), and comments on me and my sister's developing bodies as teenage girls, too. Although he did comment on my growing chest once in front of family friends he had invited over for coffee and my mum put a stop to that and he didn't do it again. But I was mortified. Didn't understand why he would do that.

Contrary to what someone else suggested he does actually have a large number of female friends - and not ones he met through my mum, either - because he’s very extroverted, interested in art and music and food (and totally uninterested in sport), does huge amounts of charity work that he genuinely believes in, even when it has turned dangerous, and he makes the effort to keep in touch with a lot of school friends of his youth. And he openly adores my mum and talks about her with pride and respect (and yes her great-looking legs, which to be quite honest are better than mine and she's almost 70), and she's become friends with his female friends over the years.

People are sometimes very difficult to compartmentalise. It makes it hard to know what to do or to think. He's just completely oblivious to how he comes across, from cheerily sleazy to recklessly inconsiderate. (Drives my house-proud brother absolutely mad because he's a terrible houseguest.) My mum says she gets asked a lot "why do you stay with him? He must be so hard to live with/I don't know how you do it", but she always says "we have a great life together and he’s been very good to me". And she might be right. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Commented on his daughters chest? That’s just vile.

@joystir59

I think heterosexual women who have male partners within their household make lots of allowances and turn a blind eye to how limited and awful nearly all men are. They also seem to give away power all the time to me. Who then believe they are Godlike. I observe this yuck inducing dynamic between men and women time and time again..

Not all men are creeps. You’re speaking from experience clearly. My husband isn’t and I know this for sure.

My DH was too shy to be a creep, and now he's horrified because having a wife, and a teenage daughter has made him think about things in a way he never had before.

FIL is 100% a creep, jokes about inappropriate things, makes comments that are inappropriate, comments on Dr's who weren't wearing knickers when they took his blood pressure, comments that if females don't want him looking at them, they shouldn't "have it all hanging out"

My father is a denier that any man can say anything inappropriate. One of his friends shouts weird stuff at me and other women in the street, apparently he's just having a laugh.
I was recently sexually harassed at work. When I told him about it he told me it was just men being men. Other men in my workplace were fucming horrified but my dad's belief was it was all just fun and games.

I think heterosexual women who have male partners within their household make lots of allowances and turn a blind eye to how limited and awful nearly all men are. They also seem to give away power all the time to men. Who then believe they are Godlike. I observe this yuck inducing dynamic between men and women time and time again.

There are certainly plenty of creeps around, and I'm sure that yuck-inducing dynamic exists in some relationships, but not anything like the majority in my experience. None of my female friends or relatives elevate their male partners to godlike status, thank goodness, and neither do I!

I think close to 100% of people are misogynistic at least some of the time because we're dosed in it from birth. Women included.
Some men will act on misogyny to harass or intimidate women they perceive as slutty or available, based on opportunity. Let's face it, women also sometimes round on other women in a similar way. Not with sexual harassment but bullying and bitchiness. Humans are just shitty sometimes.

My ex is I think, maybe he needs help or a kick up the arse I don't know. He contacted me lockdown over fb and he was very pally and nice not creepy not even flirty, it was all going towards friendship until he asked me about feet and if I would be willing to play out a role play scenario with him once lockdown ended. He knew I wasn't single. He was very persistent too. If I blocked him on one platform he would find me on another. I had to literally make him hate me by insulting him and thank god no more Mrs.nice girl approach worked. I married young so I have never really had the 'practice' with such creeps and said ex was completely fine 10 years ago. He just switched. I guess there's a reason he hasn't had a girlfriend in 10 years and still lives with his parents at 29. He told me his female relatives find it 'cute' and 'endearing' and they seem very tolerant of his behaviour. Strangest thing I learnt in lockdown. What is the world coming to..?!

I'm surprised at how many people here are so sure their DPs are not creeps. Many of them are on the DL. A friend thought herself lucky at how her husband never looked at another woman in her presence and seemed to prefer her company to everyone else's. He seemed to be respectful and sweet and a good father to their children but she recently found some questionable material on his computer that devastated her. He is not at all what she or anyone thought of him. Very sad.

My DH isn't. Primarily because MIL's father was an absolute creep who she detested. So BIL and DH had anything like that cracked down on from a young age and have both in the past pulled up others for their behaviour.

My brother is a vile creep. He's probably the biggest misogynist I've ever had the unfortunate luck to meet.
From the little I remember about our father (lived with my grandparents from age 7) my brother is very like him so I assume my father was an absolute creep as well. Given his lifestyle it would surprise me if he wasn't.

My other brother isn't, as far as I know, outwardly a creep, but he would absolutely never challenge another man to defend a woman. And would very likely pull out the "over sensitive" type attempted defence.