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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is your partner a creep?

213 replies

Bedpost · 29/08/2021 19:44

97% of women have been sexually harassed, so there must be a huge number of men responsible for this. I’m a lesbian and don’t have many male friends and never knew my dad. I’m fairly confident that none of my male friends or friends partners would shout at girls in the street, grope women etc (can’t be sure though). I’m wondering who on earth all these men are. There must be millions of these gross men walking among us, so does anyone know them personally? They must be someone’s dad/brother/partner/friend. So does anyone have a current partner or other male they are close to that they know/suspect is a creep?
I’m not really expecting anyone to say yes, but doesn’t it seem strange that nearly all women have experienced sexual harassment but no one seems to know a man (apart from a distant relation or boss/ex they are not on good terms with) who behaves this way? Are you sure that your partner doesn’t stare at/follow/make comments/harass women when you are not there?

OP posts:
FTEngineerM · 29/08/2021 21:03

Oh my god there are creeps everywhere.

My old boyfriend was, and his pesky friends, leering at women and barely stopped when I was present.. hence him being an ex.

There are genuinely none in my current family/circle because I’m grown now, I care about that stuff and I wouldn’t associate with a creep.

joystir59 · 29/08/2021 21:05

The few men in my life wouldn't directly harass or abuse women or children but they turn a blind eye to other men doing so..

joystir59 · 29/08/2021 21:06

There are plenty of women on MN complaining about lecherous creepy and abusive partners.

DartmoorChef · 29/08/2021 21:07

"Blokes don't arrive home and announce, "I leered at a teenage girl today and shouted at her about her nice tits"

Sadly my twat of an ex husband would. One of the many reasons he's an ex. I should never have married him but I'm glad I divorced him. He's vile.

My partner on the other hand is completely the opposite. Respectful of me and all other women and would never in a million years behave like my ex.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 29/08/2021 21:07

My DP absolutely not but I know he has work colleagues who are because of things he's told me. My dad was one (past tense as he's dead now).. My ex.. my brother was reported for sexual harassment at work and you would not suspect him to do that at all(!)... DP's dad and eldest brother.. so yes I certainly know of a few sadly.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/08/2021 21:08

OH isn't, he's not perfect and he can be an arsehole but there's no malice in it. A few of my exes were in more ways than one, as well as some male friends /acquaintances . My maths tutor was. My paternal grandfather definitely was one. Some of my classmates were.Some of my friends' husbands are controlling, mysoginistic , even abusive.

Knowing that many means I was a victim to quite a few of them. I'm a lot more selective now when it comes to letting people get close.

PumpkinKlNG · 29/08/2021 21:08

joystir59

Very true. Lots on the relationships board

FrankButchersDickieBow · 29/08/2021 21:09

Good for you OP.

I knew a fuckload of creeps when I was younger. I was sexually assaulted in a nightclub when I was younger.

I worked with a bloke who used poetry to say he wanted me to masturbate him. Again when I was younger.

Luckily I am a stringer woman now and would call these horrible arseholes out on their behaviour.

My daughter is a lesbian too and a teenager. Hopefully she is surrounded by wonderful men, just like her uncles, her dad and grandad, for all her life like you and will never experience sexist, misogynistic behaviour. But I don't hold out much hope.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 29/08/2021 21:14

DH isn’t a creep, but one of his brothers and his sister’s husband are.

joystir59 · 29/08/2021 21:15

Also, to all the women who think their men aren't like that... As a lesbian who was taken into the confidence of colleagues as a "mate" pretty much all men look, fantasise, would cheat if they could get away with it. Because nearly all men think that behaviour is part of being a man. The veneer of civilisation is very thin with most men. It's all part of how they compartmentalise life and don't connect to their feelings. That lack of connection enables gross behaviour.

joystir59 · 29/08/2021 21:17

And I worked as a manager in a white collar smart middle class office environment.

AlCalavicci · 29/08/2021 21:17

I think a lot depends on what you find un/acceptable behaviour .

My DH imo was never a creep , but if we were out together he would quitely point out ( talking to me quietly not actually pointing ) if he saw a nice looking lady or if he saw a guy he though I would like . Me and DB do the same kind of thing , we would never shout out to the person in question .

However when me and DH were out with a mutual friend she was horrified that we did this and that we were objectifying men and women.
To be clear we never say things like nice tits, bet s/he is a goer , or anything remotly vulger / nasty .
Its normaly things like she is pretty / he is good looking , they are dressed well ect

joystir59 · 29/08/2021 21:18

Even 'nice' men have been raised in the patriarchy.

YouMeandtheSpew · 29/08/2021 21:26

Possibly a tangent but I’m actually surprised if you haven’t experienced sexual harassment as a lesbian. I have a few friends who are lesbians who have experienced horrendous sexual harassment and fetishisation from men.

Threebagsfullxyz · 29/08/2021 21:30

Also, to all the women who think their men aren't like that... As a lesbian who was taken into the confidence of colleagues as a "mate" pretty much all men look, fantasise, would cheat if they could get away with it. Because nearly all men think that behaviour is part of being a man. The veneer of civilisation is very thin with most men. It's all part of how they compartmentalise life and don't connect to their feelings. That lack of connection enables gross behaviour.

Unfortunately, I think there is a lot of truth to this post.

Original poster
Bedpost · 29/08/2021 21:35

@YouMeandtheSpew

Possibly a tangent but I’m actually surprised if you haven’t experienced sexual harassment as a lesbian. I have a few friends who are lesbians who have experienced horrendous sexual harassment and fetishisation from men.
I have experienced plenty of sexual harassment unfortunately, my point was that I don’t think I personally know any perpetrators of sexual harassment. I mentioned that I am a lesbian as it partly explains why I’ve never been close to many men creepy or otherwise.
OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 29/08/2021 21:39

My ex was a creep. Grabbed a girl's bum infront of me and then tried to deny it. Gaslighting bastard. My husband is wonderful and would never do that.

AdoptedBumpkin · 29/08/2021 21:39

I don't think my DP is - he's just not the type.

daisyjgrey · 29/08/2021 21:42

My partner is brilliant, in that he's an ally, he calls out shit behaviour from his friends towards women and he's checked someone is ok when there's been strange situations in the street multiple times etc.

However he is the first to admit that he's done things when he was younger that in hindsight were not ok. Nothing 'serious' but enough for him to have reflected and he apologised to one person from his past for doing something which at the time was meant in a funny way but he felt uncomfortable about. He's not perfect, but he is conscious.

Mybalconyiscracking · 29/08/2021 21:44

My husband is not a creep, neither is my brother nor brothers in law nor nephews. My father was not a creep, neither is my father-in-law, I do not make friends with creeps (strangely enough) and I am not aware of my colleagues being creeps , they certainly don’t demonstrate that behaviour in a professional environment.
Why is men making general, negative comments about women defined as sexist; whereas we seem to be able to make these generalisations with impunity?

manipulatrice · 29/08/2021 21:45

this is a really weird post OP.

Merryoldgoat · 29/08/2021 21:46

My partner isn’t. His dad most certainly isn’t.

All the men in my family? 100% would harass a woman in the street. Which is why I don’t like a single one.

Cryalot2 · 29/08/2021 21:47

Dh can be a pain at times but creep no way. We spend a lot of time together and he is not that type.
He never notices anything. Beta blockers have a lot to answer for Blush he takes them

paperandfireworks · 29/08/2021 21:48

Just pointing out too that women can be perpetrators. There are some awful, lecherous, inappropriate, vile women too, assaulting other females.

Porcupineintherough · 29/08/2021 21:50

Just because 97% of women experience sexual harassment doesnt mean 97% of men are doing the harassing. 1 creep will harass a lot of women in his lifetime.