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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is your partner a creep?

213 replies

Bedpost · 29/08/2021 19:44

97% of women have been sexually harassed, so there must be a huge number of men responsible for this. I’m a lesbian and don’t have many male friends and never knew my dad. I’m fairly confident that none of my male friends or friends partners would shout at girls in the street, grope women etc (can’t be sure though). I’m wondering who on earth all these men are. There must be millions of these gross men walking among us, so does anyone know them personally? They must be someone’s dad/brother/partner/friend. So does anyone have a current partner or other male they are close to that they know/suspect is a creep?
I’m not really expecting anyone to say yes, but doesn’t it seem strange that nearly all women have experienced sexual harassment but no one seems to know a man (apart from a distant relation or boss/ex they are not on good terms with) who behaves this way? Are you sure that your partner doesn’t stare at/follow/make comments/harass women when you are not there?

OP posts:
RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 31/08/2021 09:40

@Threebagsfullxyz

Also, to all the women who think their men aren't like that... As a lesbian who was taken into the confidence of colleagues as a "mate" pretty much all men look, fantasise, would cheat if they could get away with it. Because nearly all men think that behaviour is part of being a man. The veneer of civilisation is very thin with most men. It's all part of how they compartmentalise life and don't connect to their feelings. That lack of connection enables gross behaviour.

Unfortunately, I think there is a lot of truth to this post.

I agree

But its not what the op said

They referred to yelling, staring, commenting and harassing

I can safely say my husband Doesnt do what the op is referring to

But I don’t doubt that my husband looks and has fantasy’s….don’t most people? No idea about the cheating but wouldn’t put it past most of us

Hemingwaycat · 31/08/2021 09:44

No I don’t think my DH would dare do anything like that, maybe in the past as a dickhead teenager before I knew him? I’m not sure, he told me he was an arsehole and he’s glad I didn’t know him then. He certainly wouldn’t harass a woman in the street now.

I have been harassed a lot over the years by guys driving past in cars. It’s always white guys of all different ages, some are teens/early 20s and others middle aged workmen in vans. Never been harassed by any other race despite previously living in an extremely multicultural city and I’ve never been hassled by a woman at all.

billy1966 · 31/08/2021 10:13

My husband is an absolute gentleman to his core and a wonderful example to our daughter's in how a woman should be treated.

The overwhelming majority of men that I have known, worked or socialised with have not been sleazy, but there were a few in work.

I never had any difficulty putting them firmly in their place sharply.

PegasusReturns · 31/08/2021 11:34

They never bothered hiding it from us, as being bar staff we didn't matter.

@5128gap they never tried to hide their awful behaviour from the female barristers either. The lack of consideration was nothing to do with either of our job status and everything to do with us being women.

I was in a mixed set so many of the men who I reference were prosecuting and defending serious sexual offences, or sitting as judges. The older I get the more fucking furious I am about life.

Mum2b43 · 31/08/2021 11:43

My DH not a creep, he has a sneaky look at a good looking woman sometimes but it’s quick glance. I always call him out on it but it’s very rare.

My FIL though does, he is disgusting. He is a lovely man when it’s comes to everything else, good grandad etc. But with women he is a pig. He told us last month if he won the lottery he would get himself “a nice 18 year old” to share his fortune. He is 74 FFS!
I called him a pedo. And I am still disgusted and angry about it. He told me the other day that women still hit on him… I laughed at him hysterically. He is obese and looks 80 and is gross. He got annoyed and told me stories about different recent situations like a young 21 year old pretty cashier who looked him in the eye and licked her lips or another who offered him a cup of tea in a waiting room or his 80 year old neighbour answered the door in her gown clearly wanted a shag.

I told him he is disgusting and delusional because he obviously thinks if a woman of any kind who is nice or polite or happens to be in a gown when he unexpectedly knocks on her door is hitting on him. But he doesn’t listen he thinks they are all hitting on him.
When I told my dad who is 64 about this he agreed with my FIL! WTF! He too told me numerous stories about women ‘clearly’ hitting on him. He said I don’t see it because I am a woman.
I think we need to print it on the front page of a paper for all men to see… headline on the national news please.

‘If a woman is nice to you, polite to you or even just smiles at you… she is NOT hitting on you! So get your mind out of the gutter and stop being a pervert!’

It has actually made me think that from now on I can never be polite or friendly to any man over 50 again as clearly they think I am ‘hitting’ on them.

Let’s hope that this generation of men (those under 50) are becoming or are already a little bit better than their fathers when it comes to their thoughts around women. It makes me sick to think that if a 21 year old girl is nice to a 74 year old man his first thought is she wants to give him a bit of action. Angry

Ionlydomassiveones · 31/08/2021 11:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Carboncheque · 31/08/2021 12:28

The older I get the more fucking furious I am about life.

it’s true what Greer said ‘women have no idea how much men hate them.’

Me too.

LaBellina · 31/08/2021 12:32

I believe my DH is respectful towards women. He understands the need for women only spaces, says prostitution is degrading women and condemned the behavior of a couple of creeps that were harassing me on the street during a night out instead of saying shit like boys will be boys or just ignore them.

One of my relatives makes pretty sexist comments, posts sexist memes on Facebook and is boasting about his sex life so I wouldn’t put it past him to sexually harass one of his coworkers. I can’t imagine him groping women on the street though.

Eilatan2018 · 31/08/2021 12:49

@Bedpost

97% of women have been sexually harassed, so there must be a huge number of men responsible for this. I’m a lesbian and don’t have many male friends and never knew my dad. I’m fairly confident that none of my male friends or friends partners would shout at girls in the street, grope women etc (can’t be sure though). I’m wondering who on earth all these men are. There must be millions of these gross men walking among us, so does anyone know them personally? They must be someone’s dad/brother/partner/friend. So does anyone have a current partner or other male they are close to that they know/suspect is a creep? I’m not really expecting anyone to say yes, but doesn’t it seem strange that nearly all women have experienced sexual harassment but no one seems to know a man (apart from a distant relation or boss/ex they are not on good terms with) who behaves this way? Are you sure that your partner doesn’t stare at/follow/make comments/harass women when you are not there?
My mums boss is massive creep who sexually harasses his staff; gropes them, makes disgusting comments etc.. my mum hasn’t done a thing about it.. My dad used to leer at women out the window so my mum says and beep the horn (makes me feel sick but explains why my mum accepts this sort of behaviour!) Two of my friends husbands make constant sexual innuendos about woman and perve a lot… oh and they have both cheated (and been forgiven!)

My husband however is not and wouldn’t dream of it! I would leave him if so!

Threebagsfullxyz · 31/08/2021 16:34

The older I get the more fucking furious I am about life.

it’s true what Greer said ‘women have no idea how much men hate them.’

Me too.

And me!

OhWhyNot · 31/08/2021 20:54

The older I get the more fucking furious I am about life

it’s true what Greer said ‘women have no idea how much men hate them

I agree too

suspiria777 · 31/08/2021 20:54

@WineAcademy

I'm also lesbian and this OP is a bit smug. What do you expect women to do? Men being awful to women isn't a woman's job to sort out.
And it's not like women don't also harass women. Coyotes at 2am on a Saturday...
Crikeyalmighty · 31/08/2021 21:54

My FIL has been known to make the odd creepy comment and then say that’s just how men are and he is 81. I think many older guys in particular don’t quite get that some stuff is best left unsaid and trying to sound like one of the lads in your 80s isn’t a good look

pollyglot · 31/08/2021 22:01

By "creep", do you mean the sort of person who will peer in the bathroom window to watch his SIL in the shower? If so, yes. My ex.

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 22:08

I think maybe 15% of men responsible for 90% of the creepiness.

blubberball · 31/08/2021 22:23

Known loads at work. I've called them out on it. An extremely creepy old male cleaner would follow women into the ladies toilets. I reported him, and it turned out that they'd had 14 other complaints about him. They finally got rid of him. My friend went to the toilet, and I had to hold the door to the ladies shut as he was trying to follow us in.

UnGoogled · 31/08/2021 22:27

@frogswimming

I think maybe 15% of men responsible for 90% of the creepiness.
It always amazes me how determined women are to believe in an over-riding goodness of the majority of the male sex, despite all the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Every single war, for example. Family courts, abysmal rape convictions, the murder of women at a rate of nearly 3 women a week in the UK. It goes on and on.

It isn't a minority of men who do these things, and "creepy" behaviour frequently escalates.

StoneofDestiny · 31/08/2021 22:29

No - my DH is not. He wouldn't be by DH if he was.

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/08/2021 22:39

I think that even many of the women who swear their OH is the sweetest, most wonderful and gentlemanly man ever to walk the earth and would never behave poorly towards women must acknowledge that they can never actually be certain what he doesn’t when they aren’t around. Think of all the women who don’t like their OHs having female friendships, or want to shut down their contact with ex girlfriends, or hate it when they go for a night out with “the boys” where they’ll meet women, or dislike them going out for work socials involving female colleagues. Yes, I’m sure in their conscious minds they dress it up as it being about believing the woman in the equation is the one likely to suddenly jump onto their OH’s penis; but I suspect the subconscious thinking behind it is the suspicion that given the opportunity and with no wife around to see it, their OH has the capacity to be a lecherous creep who can’t be trusted alone around other women without trying it on with them.

Mousecapade · 31/08/2021 22:44

Mine is very shy. I honestly don’t think he has the confidence to be creepy to a woman. He’s not shy of women, he is just quite shy and he’s not repressed by his mother or anything like that. It’s lucky I was patient when I met him as took so long for him to even put his arm around me! But this is why I stuck around, because he was like this and I honestly could not face ever spending time with a creepy man ever again. He also has female friends in his group, all from school and they all feel super comfortable around him too.

My dad is creepy. I know many creepy men.

I do work with a few very nice men who are not creepy at all too. Then a couple who are super bitchy and mean, but not creepy. I think I am lucky in the workplace that they are more mean than creepy but looking back over the years there are far more creeps than lovely ones

Mousecapade · 31/08/2021 22:51

@ComtesseDeSpair

I do know my partners friends and the only way to describe them is… super geeks 😂 there are 3 of them (men) since year 7 at school and none of them were bothered by getting girlfriends and majorly into science 😂. The group of 3 men also have 2 female friends in their group and still hang around being geeks after 20 years. They are all nice happy content people.

There genuinely are people who are perhaps more inclined to sit on the spectrum of either not overly interested in sexual relationships or find them confusing/hard work. Not all men are highly sexed or focused on females. But this can lead to them being overlooked by females and seen as less desirable

5128gap · 31/08/2021 22:55

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think that even many of the women who swear their OH is the sweetest, most wonderful and gentlemanly man ever to walk the earth and would never behave poorly towards women must acknowledge that they can never actually be certain what he doesn’t when they aren’t around. Think of all the women who don’t like their OHs having female friendships, or want to shut down their contact with ex girlfriends, or hate it when they go for a night out with “the boys” where they’ll meet women, or dislike them going out for work socials involving female colleagues. Yes, I’m sure in their conscious minds they dress it up as it being about believing the woman in the equation is the one likely to suddenly jump onto their OH’s penis; but I suspect the subconscious thinking behind it is the suspicion that given the opportunity and with no wife around to see it, their OH has the capacity to be a lecherous creep who can’t be trusted alone around other women without trying it on with them.
I agree. Theres another thread at the moment about a woman feeling uncomfortable about her H hugging a female friend in what the OP considered to be too prolonged a manner. The interesting part is that almost without exception responses were that the OP is insecure, controlling even bonkers. Few if any even considered that he may actually have been being sleazy. The OP was there, she knows him and she didn't like it, yet even other women are overwhelmingly telling her it's her with the problem, she's jealous and unreasonable. This sort of denial of potential male wrong doing and gas lighting of women that they are controlling, enables so many men to fly under the radar.
ComtesseDeSpair · 31/08/2021 22:56

If you don’t worry about your OH being friends with and socialising with women, then the above doesn’t especially apply to you.

But plenty of women seem to hate their OH being anywhere near a woman who isn’t them; and I’m dubious that it’s really because they really believe every other woman out there is just waiting for a chance to jump him, with no suspicion that he might be capable of trying it on with them or being a creep himself.

Mousecapade · 31/08/2021 22:59

In my last relationship I felt insecure all the time about him talking to other women. He told me I was imagining it and nothing wrong. Then I met her and realised she was out of his league (gorgeous) and he was being a Creep. The relationship before him I put up with him telling me how another girl, who was ugly, had a massive crush on him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up with her!

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 23:22

"It always amazes me how determined women are to believe in an over-riding goodness of the majority of the male sex, despite all the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Every single war, for example. Family courts, abysmal rape convictions, the murder of women at a rate of nearly 3 women a week in the UK. It goes on and on.

It isn't a minority of men who do these things, and "creepy" behaviour frequently escalates."

Well most men I know haven't behaved in a creepy way to me or anyone else that I know of. But I have known a lot of creepy men also. The creepy men I know are a minority who are always coming across as creepy. I've seen them be creepy with nearly every woman they come across. I can't deny what I have observed throughout my life.

Most burglars are probably men too. The ones who are burglars burgle lots of houses.