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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has left…

178 replies

Hula190 · 29/08/2021 19:25

We have a 7mo DD and my husband has packed a bag and left.

Turbulent relationship due to his temper, and he has struggled since DD has been born with life changing less time for himself etc etc (despite me doing 80% of all parenting required)

He has left before after rows and I have always been the one to chase him to try and make amends. Now we have a child I feel that actually that won’t be happening any more. If he wants to leave then so be it.

But where do I go from here? I am on maternity leave and do rely on him financially though I have a lot in savings so would be ok for a little while. Plenty of supportive family and friends nearby.

If he follows his usual pattern he will return and want to make up tomorrow after he’s had his ‘space’ tonight. I’m just not keen to repeat that cycle and I don’t think I want him to return home (but I am extremely angry right now).

Any thoughts/advice welcome :-(

OP posts:
Matleave22 · 29/08/2021 19:27

So sorry to hear that OP. How frustrating! I think the thing to remember is that you’re in control of whether he can come back into your life or not.

If he’s not a good partner, then you’re better off without him and will find your own way. You said you have some savings, do you have enough to cope financially without him should you choose to end this forever?

SunbathingDragon · 29/08/2021 19:28

I would look at the financial practicals with regards to living arrangements (do you own your home? If so, can you afford alone or will you sell?) and whether you are entitled to any benefits or child support.

Were you planning to return to work at the end of your maternity leave? Can you still afford to do or will you need to return sooner or quit?

Good luck. It will work out.

Matleave22 · 29/08/2021 19:28

If you were to get divorced, where do you financially stand? Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 19:29

Good riddance. Your child does not need a father with anger issues in the home. Allowing him back would be a huge mistake. His abuse and gaslighting need to be removed from your life, permanently. The fucker left, keep him gone.

Southwestrunningmum · 29/08/2021 19:31

Sounds very stressful. Definitely work through the practicalities such as finances, support etc.

You have to break the cycle

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 19:32

He can’t be throwing tantrums and running away when he’s a child.

Look it’s your choice if you take him back but if you decide to then keep him out for at least a couple of weeks so he can think about his behaviour. Make him think you might not ever let him back

Personally I’d tell him he’s gone for good.

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 19:39

Thanks everyone.

I own 50% of our house but we live in a very expensive area. If we sold I could maybe afford a small flat for my DD and I. I would likely have to go back to work earlier than I had planned but I could make it work. I’m financially very independent luckily.

I feel very angry rather than upset which is saying something as I’m usually the first just to apologise and try to keep the peace. I don’t understand how he can walk out on his daughter?!

The thought of my daughter growing up with parents who split when she was 7 months old makes me very sad though. He’s been pretty miserable for a while now I think, not very nice to be around. Rarely happy - so bloody grumpy. Perhaps he’s depressed but doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it. I don’t think there’s another woman or anything.

OP posts:
Wombat96 · 29/08/2021 19:42

He's probably jealous of the attention not being focused solely on him. Clearly can't discuss it properly tho. Manchild around the house, too?

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 29/08/2021 19:42

I have a very good friend that says, ‘if you want to see the end, look back to the beginning’. In my case and quite a few others that has always been true. Any time you have an issue, this is what he will do in order to make you feel like you have to make up as though you did something wrong, when you didn’t. It’s an ego boost for him and you’re left feeling like sh1t. Unless he can come back and show you how he will address his issues and face the music, then what is the point in investing in the relationship. Your natural protective instinct is kicking in and it’s not wrong.

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 19:42

You’ve got it @Wombat96 I do everything. Anything he does do to help is because I ask.

OP posts:
MC68 · 29/08/2021 19:43

I think you’ve already worked out what’s important….the stability of yourself alone as a single parent versus the chaos of the comings & goings of DH & you chasing to enable this cyclical behaviour.
It’s tough being a single parent don’t get me wrong, but you say you’re already doing 80% of the childcare, & financial dependency cannot override here….but saying that do look work out what you need to do to keep a home , bills, food, childcare, etc etc for you & your baby.
I’m sorry you’re in this position of having to make these type of decisions when you are a Mother of a 7 month old baby, but the sooner you start being the strong one & take control of your future & destiny with your baby the sooner you’ll feel better.
You’re very welcome to PM any time…I’ve had to bring up my baby almost since birth alone due to a

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 19:43

Honestly op you’ll probably be in a new relationship and happy by the time she grows up and she won’t know any different. It’s much better fir her to grow up in a happy home, even with two single parents than raised in a chaotic environment with a father who abandons her as and when he sees fit. That is so damaging.

cptartapp · 29/08/2021 19:44

Well he's shot himself in the foot really hasn't he? I'd be confirming the relationship is now over and asking which half of the week he wants sole 24/7 care of his daughter.
Put the wind up him.

MyOtherProfile · 29/08/2021 19:44

Have you talked to him about his behaviour and how this flight reaction is just not going to work long term? I would sit him down and say it has to stop or he can just go for good. He sounds very immature and manipulative to be honest, but maybe he can change if he realises what he is doing.

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 19:46

@cptartapp the thought of being away from her fills me with dread and this is one of the reasons I am tempted to try and make it work. I don’t want to be a part time parent, and I know he will want to have her 50% of the time (even though he has no idea how tough it is, I’ve done everything since she’s been born).

OP posts:
PlateSpinnerJuggler · 29/08/2021 19:47

Do you love him?

I'm going to play devils advocate to what I've skimmed from most of the posts...

It's not always bad to walk away in a fight - sometimes it's actually good so things don't escalate and get out of control or that more hurtful things aren't said in the heat of the moment.

People are mentioning gaslighting and abuse, I don't think you've suggested that's the case (if it is then yes get away whilst you can).

But if it's not and he's just struggling with the change in dynamics from being a parent and being grumpy about it then I think that's quite normal for a while after having a child - and not only a first child - id say each child I had it took family dynamics to adjust and was the same for many of my friends...

Maybe you can sugges counselling or anger management if it's necessary - but if you still love him then relationships do take work and have ups and downs so don't bolt to quickly

Ponoka7 · 29/08/2021 19:49

I wish my mother had left my dad when I was a baby. Thanks to his temper, being taught to walk on eggshells and that my boundaries don't matter, I've had low self worth in relationships and been in two abusive relationships. So don't feel sad for her, if you split for good. Staying will destroy your mental health and affect what type of mother you are. Your DD will suffer because you will keep her in that situation and eventually she'll work out that you could have made better choices for her and resent you for it.

cptartapp · 29/08/2021 19:50

He won't want her 50% of the time. I almost guarantee it. The vast vast vast majority of men don't do 50/50. No matter what they threaten.

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 19:52

@PlateSpinnerJuggler I do love him but my tolerance is wearing thin.

There is certainly no abuse but it is rather like dealing with a spoilt brat man child a lot of the time. He sees any contribution ‘helping me’ as him doing me a favour and complains if he has to do more than he feels he should have to. I find myself eye rolling a lot and just doing most things myself as it’s easier than waiting for him or dealing with complaints.

We don’t really have big rows but we do bicker and have been bickering more than usual. He says he doesn’t like how I speak to him. I think he’s ridiculously sensitive and needs to grow a pair. I am quite direct but so can he be and I don’t react this way. His toys came out of the pram today cos he asked me twice to unlock the car (shouting up the stairs at me) and I shouted back yes give me a bloody second (I was in the middle of doing something) when I then came down he was furious and said he’s sick of the way I speak to him?! Ridiculous!

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 29/08/2021 19:52

[quote Hula190]@cptartapp the thought of being away from her fills me with dread and this is one of the reasons I am tempted to try and make it work. I don’t want to be a part time parent, and I know he will want to have her 50% of the time (even though he has no idea how tough it is, I’ve done everything since she’s been born).[/quote]
If he’s barely contributing now what makes you think he’d manage 50%?? He might say that but he’s showing no signs of meaning that since he’s not stepping up now. Sorry he’s behaving like this you have every right to be angry.

PlateSpinnerJuggler · 29/08/2021 19:53

To add to my point above I honestly think the majority of women if asked and honest will say the first year with a baby in house can test a relationship - and cause some frictions - be it about who's more tired, sharing chores, housework, changing a nappy, getting up at 2am when baby cries - I don't think many relationships don't have some bickering...

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 19:54

@PlateSpinnerJuggler totally agree! And I just get on with it. But the fact he’s packed a bag and left… that for me is a step too far!

OP posts:
PlateSpinnerJuggler · 29/08/2021 19:55

If you started a post and ask people in happy marriages if their was tension in first year of having a baby I honestly think it will be full of comments of this sort of immature bickering and silly issues that pile up...

I think marriage is worth working on if you love someone

BoredZelda · 29/08/2021 19:56

I don’t want to be a part time parent

You wouldn’t be a part time parent.

Wombat96 · 29/08/2021 19:58

It's definitely a strop too far. I couldn't be asked with the drama.

The thing is how to handle him toddling back in tomorrow?

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