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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has left…

178 replies

Hula190 · 29/08/2021 19:25

We have a 7mo DD and my husband has packed a bag and left.

Turbulent relationship due to his temper, and he has struggled since DD has been born with life changing less time for himself etc etc (despite me doing 80% of all parenting required)

He has left before after rows and I have always been the one to chase him to try and make amends. Now we have a child I feel that actually that won’t be happening any more. If he wants to leave then so be it.

But where do I go from here? I am on maternity leave and do rely on him financially though I have a lot in savings so would be ok for a little while. Plenty of supportive family and friends nearby.

If he follows his usual pattern he will return and want to make up tomorrow after he’s had his ‘space’ tonight. I’m just not keen to repeat that cycle and I don’t think I want him to return home (but I am extremely angry right now).

Any thoughts/advice welcome :-(

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 29/08/2021 22:04

I can see why all the feeding falls to you, but not all the parenting and all the housework.

Maybe you could draw up a list of jobs and show him just how much needs doing in a day.

Or maybe you could just call it a day.

Outbutnotoutout · 29/08/2021 22:05

@Hula190

Thank you all for advice

If I were to call what he will say when we do eventually talk, he will pin all the blame on me and effectively say I gave him no choice but to leave (totally untrue).

He will say (as he always does) that it is my behaviour that is the Start of things and his reaction is due to my action and therefore the issue lies with me. He will refuse to accept any responsibility for his actions.

I am not perfect and definitely need to listen to him but I really have heard it all before this time around. I’ve lost all respect. I could never walk out on my family and now he has I feel the trust has gone.

My response to the above would be...

Well if that's the case and I'm such a terrible person, maybe it's best if we go our separate ways.

Shall I help you pack or can you manage?

And don't listen to another word from him

Almostfamous29 · 29/08/2021 22:11

My husband and I have been in a similar cycle. We decided to separate 3 weeks ago. Since then he has been so much more respectful towards me, taking our DC to special places during his time with them to make sure it’s quality time. I know it’s early days for us but my point is things have actually improved since taking space - the main thing that I’ve noticed improving is my self worth. I feel light again because I’m no longer bickering with my husband or anxious.
Best of luck OP. I know how it feels to be in your shoes and I hope things work out the best for you. They will x

MotherofTerriers · 29/08/2021 22:25

OP, take your time to decide what to do, and make sure you are in as good a position as possible if you do decide to split.
So - the fact you are breastfeeding is good, it means he can't take your baby away for any length of time
He may well say he wants 50:50 but only to scare you into staying, it doesn't sound as if he would really want to put the work in

Think about getting support from friends and family, shining a light on his behavior may make him think a bit

You can do this on your own, and it may be better for your little one to have a peaceful home with one happy parent . Or this may be a bump in the road caused by the stress of a new baby.

But you can take your time and work out what's best for you and your little one. It sounds like you deserve much better than what he is doing at the moment

whynotwhatknot · 29/08/2021 22:26

The op states hes done this before they had a child so he doesnt seem to be all that different or changed because of dc

id just say if im so bad we should split then if thats al he got to say-its ok to get space sure but booking into a hotel and not contacting you is out of order

Ellie56 · 29/08/2021 22:27

We have a beautiful home we've built together and a lovely life.

It is not a lovely life if he is shouting, storming out and generally behaving like an overgrown toddler. And it certainly is not lovely for your DD to grow up in.

Stop putting up with his shit and dump him. You deserve better.If you're doing most of the work now you won't notice much difference; it will just be a lot calmer and more peaceful.

viques · 29/08/2021 22:43

@Hula190

You all give such wonderful advice, honestly ❤️

So
In practical terms, I’d imagine he will call me tomorrow. I hate arguing and drama and would usually roll over just to peace keep. Not this time… but what do I do?

I’m tempted to ask him to pack some things and give me a week to think about what I want. He can see our DC if he wishes, I don’t want to get in to using her as a pawn.

I think asking him to stay away for a week is a good idea.

Firstly it gives you some space and time to think about what you want and how to achieve it.

Secondly it sends a message to him that you are not going to roll over and smile sweetly at his tantrums.

If he want to see your dd then when he comes to the house to see her either you go out to a friends for a coffee or he takes your dd out. He needs to learn what parenting means in real terms and you do not want to be having the conversations that are to come over your dds head when you haven’t got your ducks in a row about what you want to say and do.

supermoonrising · 29/08/2021 22:46

If he didn’t pull his weight before having a child, that was the sign, really. Some people think lazy, immature men will all of a sudden step up and rise to the challenge of a busy and demanding family life. I guess it does happen occasionally, but more often the opposite is the case.

Wallywobbles · 29/08/2021 22:49

Proceed as for separation. See a lawyer, ask/tell him to move out. He can see the baby 2x week from 8am to bed time outside of the family home.

Then from a position of knowledge /strength give him terms. Anger management, anti-arsehole training etc. But I suspect you'll realize rapidly that your life is a whole lot better without him.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/08/2021 22:53

[he says] his reaction is due to my action and therefore the issue lies with me.

Rubbish.
His reactions are his own responsibility, whatever your actions might be.

purplebatbear · 29/08/2021 22:59

So sorry to hear he's done this.

Ok. Speaking from bitter experience - they don't get better/improve.

If you are in a position where you could financially manage on your own, I'd do that. Don't let him mess you around. I was in your situation and I kept on forgiving and it's so much harder if you have two children to get out of the situation as your child are costs spiral.

Do not let him carry on treating you like this xxx

purplebatbear · 29/08/2021 22:59

Childcare costs

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/08/2021 10:38

Has he deigned to ring you yet or have you not suffered enough yet?

PlateSpinnerJuggler · 30/08/2021 11:03

Hey @Hula190 how are things today?

Original poster
Hula190 · 30/08/2021 15:19

Sorry everyone busy day!

So he was calling me at 7.30am this morning asking to chat and saying he wanted to see DD. I said I wasn’t ready to chat but he could come and play with DD. He spent an hour with her and we did end up having a productive chat.

Though, he looked hungover and I asked where he has been and he said he went out with the lads last night.

This really made me angry and I told him I was heading out for the day (with DD). He asked what he should do, I said whatever he liked, I didn’t care, and to leave me alone.

I will see if he is there when I go home this evening. I just feel exhausted with it and wanted to focus on a fun day with DD.

Not sure what my next move is. I did air EVERYTHING in our chat though and didn’t hold back. He did agree that he had behaved appallingly and apologised.

I just don’t know what to do now!

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 30/08/2021 15:24

Words are cheap.
Actions speak for themselves

One meagre “sorry” means nothing.

TurquoiseDragon · 30/08/2021 15:49

@FrenchBoule

Words are cheap. Actions speak for themselves

One meagre “sorry” means nothing.

Exactly.

He'll have to prove himself by his actions if he wants to remain married to you.

He can reimburse the joint account to begin with. His costs from last night should be on him, only.

Original poster
Hula190 · 30/08/2021 15:54

@TurquoiseDragon yes this was the first thing I said this morning! and yes he has already done so. I am so emotionally drained 😓

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/08/2021 15:59

He persistently starts arguments and shouts at you, even before the baby. I would not want to raise a child to be conditioned to walk on eggshells so he doesn’t shout/get angry. Lots to think about, OP.

Zilla1 · 30/08/2021 16:11

HNRTT OP but are you really worried he will want your DD 50% of the time when he doesn't pull his weight now and he gets frustrated at having less time for himself now you have your DD?

Wombat96 · 30/08/2021 16:17

Was the night out already planned?

Sounds like it was easier to manufacture a row than just say he's going out?

Original poster
Hula190 · 30/08/2021 16:19

@Wombat96 I’m not sure now to be honest! I did wonder that myself.

He’s REALLY moping and feeling sorry for myself and I am low on patience. Just carrying on my day as normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hula190 · 30/08/2021 16:19

Feeling sorry for himself! *

OP posts:
blublub · 30/08/2021 16:22

Just keep in mind he will be parenting your child alone if you split up..

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/08/2021 16:34

Sounds like he starts arguments to give himself an excuse to disappear overnight and he does it having already decided his plans.

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