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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has left…

178 replies

Hula190 · 29/08/2021 19:25

We have a 7mo DD and my husband has packed a bag and left.

Turbulent relationship due to his temper, and he has struggled since DD has been born with life changing less time for himself etc etc (despite me doing 80% of all parenting required)

He has left before after rows and I have always been the one to chase him to try and make amends. Now we have a child I feel that actually that won’t be happening any more. If he wants to leave then so be it.

But where do I go from here? I am on maternity leave and do rely on him financially though I have a lot in savings so would be ok for a little while. Plenty of supportive family and friends nearby.

If he follows his usual pattern he will return and want to make up tomorrow after he’s had his ‘space’ tonight. I’m just not keen to repeat that cycle and I don’t think I want him to return home (but I am extremely angry right now).

Any thoughts/advice welcome :-(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 20:00

I know he will want to have her 50% of the time

I will bet my house he absolutely will not have her 50/50. Men like your husband can't be arsed and simply aren't capable of it. He runs out the door anytime he gets upset and you think he'd want a child 50/50? That's laughable.

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 20:02

@Wombat96 yes this is what I’m wondering - how to deal with it tomorrow.

I’ve also got a feeling he’s probably gone out with the boys tonight which makes me furious. He also has booked a travel lodge using our joint account. Honestly I am actually amused by this behaviour. I can’t believe he can be so ridiculous when we have another person and a little life to consider now. But this is just another example of how my entire world has changed…. And his just hasn’t.

OP posts:
PlateSpinnerJuggler · 29/08/2021 20:03

[quote Hula190]@PlateSpinnerJuggler totally agree! And I just get on with it. But the fact he’s packed a bag and left… that for me is a step too far![/quote]
Yes this is pretty hurtful! Does he even have anywhere he'll go?
I'm sure your angry and hurting inside but don't rush to a decision from a bunch of us on here... talk it through with him when he no doubt comes back or with a close friend / mum / sister etc someone that knows him too...
I hope you make it work - as I said I think marriage is worth fighting for and working at and anyone who says it's always easy and smooth is prob lying... my girly dinners with mates are full of us having gripes about our other halves - but we all love them and we just air it out with each other like we're each others therapists... Good luck and hope you make rhe right decision for you and your family - just don't rush into anything you may regret

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 20:04

Be smart and take your money out of your joint account and put it in a private one.

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 20:05

@Aquamarine1029 I’ve just had to Chuck £30 in the joint account as his little hotel jaunt took the account overdrawn 🤣 have to laugh or i would cry!

OP posts:
PlateSpinnerJuggler · 29/08/2021 20:06

He's used the joint account on purpose so you know what he's done and where he is!
Maybe if you resolve matters - say I need a night away or off and leave him with DD 36 hours and go out with a girlfriend or to a spa day or night - sounds like you need you time too... if he's getting boys nights in you should be too

NotYourCupOfTea · 29/08/2021 20:07

Report the joint cards stolen Smile
Think carefully if you want him back

CottageOnTheHill · 29/08/2021 20:12

[quote Hula190]@Aquamarine1029 I’ve just had to Chuck £30 in the joint account as his little hotel jaunt took the account overdrawn 🤣 have to laugh or i would cry![/quote]
Why are you using the joint account when he’s emptied it? It’s up to him to rectify the overdrawn amount as he spent it. Personally after the way he’s behaved I’d only be putting what was required to pay joint bills into this account and keep my own finances completely private from him. I’d also be telling him to keep his finances private and not use the joint account for personal use.

OrchestraOfWankery · 29/08/2021 20:15

That's just dandy for him, isn't it? He throws a tantrum, storms out and gets a night out with the lads with hotel thrown in - which you end up subsidising.

Result!

beastlyslumber · 29/08/2021 20:17

Close the joint account and make sure he can't get to any of your savings. Change passwords on internet banking etc.

If he comes back, tell him you want a divorce. Financially, it sounds like you're in a good situation. Better to end it now while your DC is too young to remember.

Waspsarearseholes · 29/08/2021 20:21

The thing is, he knows that there is the option for him to decide to come back when he feels like it, and you'll accept that. If it were me then I'd make it clear to him that walking out on his wife and baby and then returning the next day is no longer an option. It's not only up to him to decide whether he stays in this marriage/family or not. Let him know this. Make it very clear that you have options, too. And one of those is that you carry on caring for and enjoying your baby, exactly as you are doing now, except you don't have his tantrums and emotional beatings to deal with aswell. It sounds like you are in a fortunate position with regards to funds and familial/friend support so let him bloody well know that he cannot treat you and your baby as options that he can dip in and dip out of. I would bet my mortgage that be will not want 50/50 care of your baby when the reality sets in that he will be doing it alone. You are more than capable of bringing up your baby alone, whereas he is not by the sound of it. Honestly, let him know that his options are severely limited now, you have that choice, too.

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 20:22

Yes our finances are totally separate. I’d imagine his just used the wrong card to book his hotel. Joint account is just for bills/mortgage.

OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 29/08/2021 20:27

@Hula190

Yes our finances are totally separate. I’d imagine his just used the wrong card to book his hotel. Joint account is just for bills/mortgage.
Sounds more likely that he did it on purpose to punish you
FangsForTheMemory · 29/08/2021 20:27

Or he thinks he'll clear out the joint account to get back at you.

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 20:28

@Waspsarearseholes this is exactly what I need to do. I just need to be strong enough to hold it together to get this across to him. The thought of splitting overwhelms me. We have a beautiful home weve built together and a lovely life. Whilst I could manage alone and I sure as hell would, it would be a huge upheaval and change. We’ve been together 10+ years and our lives are totally intertwined.

His temper makes it difficult for us to have a good honest chat as I end up crying he ends up shouting and ultimately storming out - any issues end up getting brushed under the carpet because of this!

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 29/08/2021 20:29

I think our tolerance to men who act like kids rapidly evaporates once we’ve got an actual child to look after.

If he’s always done this then he’ll always do this. Has he even text to check she’s ok?. If he hasn’t I’m guessing 50-50 care wouldn’t be of interest to him.

We’ve had some rows over the years but neither of us has fucked off to a hotel to have a piss up with friends.

Original poster
Hula190 · 29/08/2021 20:32

@Fluffycloudland77 no he hasn’t checked in. This I find the most hurtful. I don’t understand how he could do this. I could never walk out like that! Not even on the dog!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/08/2021 20:32

What to you do next? You call some of your supportive family and tell them what's been going on. Ask for their emotional support in helping you keep strong in a resolve NOT to let this man back in.

Problems with a man's 'temper' generally aren't solvable unless the man acknowledges he has an anger problem and does the very, very hard work it takes to conquer it. It takes more than just a few counseling sessions, it takes intensive hard work with professionals. And they need to stay out of the home until the professionals they work with deem it safe for the family for them to return.

As far as finances, see a solicitor ASAP. And I'd be pulling my own income (if any) out of a joint account and putting it under my own name.

Mydogmylife · 29/08/2021 20:33

@Hula190

Yes our finances are totally separate. I’d imagine his just used the wrong card to book his hotel. Joint account is just for bills/mortgage.
Sadly, I think he knew exactly what he was doing
Waspsarearseholes · 29/08/2021 20:33

[quote Hula190]@Waspsarearseholes this is exactly what I need to do. I just need to be strong enough to hold it together to get this across to him. The thought of splitting overwhelms me. We have a beautiful home weve built together and a lovely life. Whilst I could manage alone and I sure as hell would, it would be a huge upheaval and change. We’ve been together 10+ years and our lives are totally intertwined.

His temper makes it difficult for us to have a good honest chat as I end up crying he ends up shouting and ultimately storming out - any issues end up getting brushed under the carpet because of this![/quote]
I'm so sorry I came across as so berating in my last post, of course it's not as easy as just saying, that's it, we're over. It's not easy to split up, or threaten to make such decisions, at all. I think in my head I was speaking to your husband, not you, wanting him to know that it's just just him that matters!
I just hope you know that you deserve better. I wish you all the luck

Wombat96 · 29/08/2021 20:33

That's the thing tho, shouting then leaving is just training you up to keep the peace.

Try not to get emotional, hard I know but really he's behaving like a toddler.

Honestly, I'm old now & I look back and think why did I not have firmer boundaries. I let myself get treated badly when really I should have took a stand. Life really doesn't need to be dramatic.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/08/2021 20:34

X post. Finances are already separate, that's good.

Waspsarearseholes · 29/08/2021 20:34

*not just him that matters

HelloMissus · 29/08/2021 20:35

Do not chase him.
And when/if he comes back wanting to make up ensure you make it clear that this is not the same old, same old.
He needs to know that this is the last time he can pull this nonsense.

Agnescastors · 29/08/2021 20:38

Close the door. Gather. You are enough.