Husband has left…

[Hula190]

We have a 7mo DD and my husband has packed a bag and left.

Turbulent relationship due to his temper, and he has struggled since DD has been born with life changing less time for himself etc etc (despite me doing 80% of all parenting required)

He has left before after rows and I have always been the one to chase him to try and make amends. Now we have a child I feel that actually that won’t be happening any more. If he wants to leave then so be it.

But where do I go from here? I am on maternity leave and do rely on him financially though I have a lot in savings so would be ok for a little while. Plenty of supportive family and friends nearby.

If he follows his usual pattern he will return and want to make up tomorrow after he’s had his ‘space’ tonight. I’m just not keen to repeat that cycle and I don’t think I want him to return home (but I am extremely angry right now).

Any thoughts/advice welcome :-(

@PlateSpinnerJuggler

I believe I have a happy marriage and the first year of having a baby was very special for all of us. My husband was very loving to me and our DS because he loved us. I think this would be true for most good men.

He should be making life easier not harder!

You all give such wonderful advice, honestly ❤️

So
In practical terms, I’d imagine he will call me tomorrow. I hate arguing and drama and would usually roll over just to peace keep. Not this time… but what do I do?

I’m tempted to ask him to pack some things and give me a week to think about what I want. He can see our DC if he wishes, I don’t want to get in to using her as a pawn.

His temper makes it difficult for us to have a good honest chat as I end up crying he ends up shouting and ultimately storming out - any issues end up getting brushed under the carpet because of this!

You're describing coercive control and the cycle of abuse. I don't know how you can say there's no abuse whilst describing classic domestic abuse (which predates baby, but has escalated since as is often the case).

You can't change his behaviour, you can't "work" at that. This is how he wants things - he's done it because in the past it has had a 100% success rate at getting you to re-submit to his control. He expects it to succeed again.

You say you'd be sad about your daughter having parents who separated when she was a baby. Surely that's far preferable to your daughter growing up thinking this dysfunction is normal in a relationship or going through her key developmental years with the constant fear and insecurity caused by a father who uses manufactured rage, threats and disappearances to control her mother?

Possibly I'd text him saying, 'Your hotel booking for tonight caused us to go overdrawn. Please use your own card for wherever you will be staying for the next couple of nights until we sort out the logistics from now on'

A week from now will this be the life you want?

Speak to Women's Aid and a solicitor.

Make a plan for building life without him and then take things one step at a time. It will feel overwhelming if you try and think about it all at once, but will be manageable one at a time.

Do the Freedom Programme course.

Get therapy to improve your boundaries, self worth, and assertiveness.

Great text from @Waspsarearseholes

Then use your time wisely. Get support. Start gathering financial information. Get names of family lawyers. Put in a claim for cms
Don’t have him back. The PP who said he likes it this way Is correct. He will not change while the 2 of you stay together. All you can do is save yourself and DD

I grew up in a house where my parents argued nearly daily about everything and anything. It was awful. It’s genuinely scarred me.

If you guys can’t sort out your communication then there’s no good future for you as a couple.

@legoriakelne you are right. But he always seems to find a way to turn it around on me? He always says ‘you speak to me like shit’ though can’t really seem to give tangible examples. I really am trying to look at myself and see what I could be doing wrong but I don’t think I’m that bad at all. Actually I think I’ve done a bloody brilliant job this last 7 months. 😢

@Valeriekat you are very blessed and lucky. And whilst I'm sure there are lots of marriages with only happiness I think there are many and most that take effort too and that is normal...
I'm not saying walking out with a packed bag and booking a hotel - just that a lot of marriages have bumps in road and it's often when things change and a life event happens that there can be a patchy spot

If you want to be with him i think you have to play the long game here.

Tell him you dont want him back and you need time, let him grovel a bit, after about a week meet for a chat and say you arent happy to be in a relationship with him walking out. Give him 1:1 access for long enough he will find it hard and incovenient i.e. changong work pattern, dpinf whole days without grandparents. Then set new paramenters if he wants to come back, such as you will do XYZ by routine without considering it "help". And kick him straight out if he reverts to type. This is basically your best and probably only chance to redress the power and respect balance.

@Waspsarearseholes

Possibly I'd text him saying, 'Your hotel booking for tonight caused us to go overdrawn. Please use your own card for wherever you will be staying for the next couple of nights until we sort out the logistics from now on'

This is a good text.

And then try to focus on the fact that you whatever the finer details end up being, breaking up is not a committee decision.

You don't need him to agree with you breaking up with him. You have the right to decide you no longer want to be in a relationship and that you want to break up, put in place a coparenting arrangement but no longer be together.

Don't negotiate, don't debate, don't try to make him see your POV. He won't. He sounds like a prick. Immature, selfish and not a healthy partner.

You can be happy without him.

I too would let him know about the hotel booking and tell him to use his card for the rest of the week. Take charge

Hope you’re ok

He always says ‘you speak to me like shit’ though can’t really seem to give tangible examples.

This is called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. My late husband did it all the bloody time. He could give one 'tangible' example when he started doing it (from 15 years before) but that was based on a complete misrepresentation of what really happened. He never had anything more than that.

From your narrative, he's always been like that, so he isn't going to change. Give him consequences now. Don't let him back. Do the right thing by your DD.

The pp saying it's control are right. Chuck in a bit of gaslighting too.

It's all about power. I have the nicest DH but when the power was unevenly distributed, even he wasn't always fair. But I can also be abusive, so these things are never straightforward. My family shout then move on, so maybe this is how his worked but it's not fair to up & leave, have a night out, then rock back up as if nothing has happened.

Definitely reflect on things.

[quote Hula190]@Waspsarearseholes this is exactly what I need to do. I just need to be strong enough to hold it together to get this across to him. The thought of splitting overwhelms me. We have a beautiful home weve built together and a lovely life. Whilst I could manage alone and I sure as hell would, it would be a huge upheaval and change. We’ve been together 10+ years and our lives are totally intertwined.

His temper makes it difficult for us to have a good honest chat as I end up crying he ends up shouting and ultimately storming out - any issues end up getting brushed under the carpet because of this![/quote]
You can rebuild a beautiful home, you can have a lovely life without living with someone with a temper who can’t express himself or talk about things like an adult. Sometimes change is good even although it can seem daunting.

The problem with posts like this, and it’s not a slight on anyone here or indeed the OP, is that we only get to see one side.

You say he is sensitive, and your reaction to that, in your own words, is to call him ridiculous, and to say he should grow a pair.

That can come across as incredibly callous and dismissive of his feelings.

When someone is sensitive, it’s often the silliest of things that push them over the edge.

The other side of that is it can be incredibly difficult to deal with someone who is sensitive. You end up like you’re walking on eggshells with them.

OP, you said that he’s been this way for a while. Bickering, etc. Yet your baby is 7 months old. How long has it been like this? Before the pregnancy?

In one respect, it doesn’t sound like an ideal relationship in which to bring a baby. You are both to blame for that if that’s the case.

He says he will be 50/50. Ok then, then that’s what you have to agree on when you split (you will split up - that to me seems inevitable.

I genuinely wish you the best outcome, for you and your baby. But that comes with a caveat that is important., I genuinely wish the best for him and his baby as well.

Both of you. Sort it out once and for all. Be the mature adults that you both need to be for your child. In your defence, that is something that he needs to hear more than you, seeing as you are the one currently at home with your child, while he has walked out to go to a hotel. (That action of his alone, without considering the nuances, doesn’t bode well for him.)

Get out of this relationship while you can. I stupidly stayed “for the sake of our kids” until it was no longer just occasional rages and light switches being punched. Lies, lies and cheating. He was always begging me to forgive him and stay, and was always soo soooo sorry. 7 years. The kids are much less stressed now, as am I. No more treading on eggshells.

I had a feeling he hadn’t checked up on her.

He’s a problem but he doesn’t have to be your problem.

No advice but he sounds pathetic. Wishing you luck . Honestly, unless he starts pulling his finger out and doing his share, sounds like you'd be happier alone (less drama).

DO NOT give him 1:1 access. I’m sorry but this is not good advice. You said you’re worried but if he tries to take you to court, no court in the land is going to give him overnights or anything like 50/50 when she is only 7 months and you’ve been her primary caretaker. HOWEVER, if you let him have 1:1 and he doesn’t bring her back, unless she’s breastfed, it will become an issue where the police will not get involved because he’s on the birth certificate and has PR. Of course, hopefully he’d never do that, but when you stop playing his game (running after him, groveling, always being the one to apologize), who knows how vindictive he may get or what he may do to try to hurt you.

Let him call tomorrow. If you’re not good at confrontation, don’t pick up the phone. When you know exactly what you want to say re: you have no desire for him to come back, text him.

If he wants to come see DD, have a third party there with you when he is. Or really any time he comes over from now on. He’s been verbally abusive. This “leave every time” thing is emotionally abusive. You have no idea how he might escalate now. Maybe he’ll be meek as milk. Maybe not.

Especially since OP, he didn’t use the “wrong card on accident” and overdraw your joint account. That was the “beginning.”

@Waspsarearseholes

Possibly I'd text him saying, 'Your hotel booking for tonight caused us to go overdrawn. Please use your own card for wherever you will be staying for the next couple of nights until we sort out the logistics from now on'

I like this. Be good if he stayed away a couple of days and you can have a think about how you want to handle this.

As for what’s changed about you: he’s no longer walking out in you. He’s walking out on you and your daughter. Children can give us hidden strength and hidden grace to stop putting up with abuse we never deserved.

[quote Hula190]@legoriakelne you are right. But he always seems to find a way to turn it around on me? He always says ‘you speak to me like shit’ though can’t really seem to give tangible examples. I really am trying to look at myself and see what I could be doing wrong but I don’t think I’m that bad at all. Actually I think I’ve done a bloody brilliant job this last 7 months. 😢[/quote]
That's a common tactic of abuse. Doing the Freedom Programme course would help you achieve clarity, but I don't think it's the highest priority right now.

Abuse is about power and control.

Not nasty words, violence, or evil monsters. Some abusers use nasty words or physical violence as a tactic to control their victim, some don't. Every abuser will have good qualities and times where things seem better - that is the cycle of abuse in action. If they were monstrous 24/7 then nobody would stay - and therefore the abuser would lose their power and control - so they alternate to maintain control.

You are not the problem. By convincing you that his behaviour is your fault it keeps you trapped in the cycle of abuse. Instead of realising what he is doing is wrong and leaving him, you stay stuck blaming yourself and contorting yourself trying to be more compliant in hopes that eventually you'll be perfect enough for him to stop the abuse. It consumes your thoughts and distracts you from what you need to do.

Some pp seem to be missing the very clear wider pattern of behaviour and are just zooming in on this one incident out of context which is really very unhelpful.

You don't need this muppet in your life. Real fathers don't abandon their children and walk out.