Husband has left…

[Hula190]

We have a 7mo DD and my husband has packed a bag and left.

Turbulent relationship due to his temper, and he has struggled since DD has been born with life changing less time for himself etc etc (despite me doing 80% of all parenting required)

He has left before after rows and I have always been the one to chase him to try and make amends. Now we have a child I feel that actually that won’t be happening any more. If he wants to leave then so be it.

But where do I go from here? I am on maternity leave and do rely on him financially though I have a lot in savings so would be ok for a little while. Plenty of supportive family and friends nearby.

If he follows his usual pattern he will return and want to make up tomorrow after he’s had his ‘space’ tonight. I’m just not keen to repeat that cycle and I don’t think I want him to return home (but I am extremely angry right now).

Any thoughts/advice welcome :-(

Make sure he knows you are thinking of ending the marriage because of his unreasonable behaviour and absence of consideration for you.
He needs to realise how much you are being affected, whatever you decide to do in the end.

I would be planning a new life with my child separate to this man, whatever the outcome.
I tend to think of the practicalities in difficult situations and knowing, thankfully that you are financially independent will hopefully make things a little clearer for you.
A life living on eggshells is no fun and now you have a child relying on you it will become more tedious if he chooses to sulk , your precious time will be lot less accommodating to his strops .
If he wants a family life with you he would need to prove himself worthy and show that he means it , i would make it crystal clear what my plans are and how capable you are of achieving them.
I'm another one who thinks he won't want 50/50 he certainly won't be able to cope with that.
Don't put up with 2nd best you can make a happy life whatever happens.

Personally, I would tell him to leave for a trial separation,
You need time to decide if you want to live with his childishness (there was nothing stopping him a) waiting a few minutes, or b) walking up the stairs to get the keys.
Tatrums are really so unattractive
Stropping off spending joint money & going on the piss, just kind of underlines how immature he is.
What if you walked out & did the same? oh but wait, you wouldn't, because you are a responsible parent.

@Hula190 if you do end the marriage he is extremely unlikely to want 50/50 parenting. You will only need to suggest having a social life and eventually dating someone new to see him change his mind!

Tell him you’d like him to leave for a few days as a trial separation. If he refuses to go or argues tell him it’s a divorce instead.

The thing is your daughter will notice if he keeps doing it. Then you'll both be walking on eggshells in case he has a tantrum.

You don't have to do anything in a panic. There is a lot at stake. Take your time to decide what to do. There is obviously some strain with your husband in adjusting to having a baby and living up to his responsibilities - not to say that if there is tension and you have a row, he should walk out like a stroppy teenager and leave you holding the baby. But he may feel at the end of his tether - as you are feeling now, understandably, over his behaviour. He works all hours and is bad tempered and you say you have no idea why. Maybe he thinks you have it cushy being at home with the baby. Or feels burdened by work or jealous and neglected. Or is just not quite mature enough, by nature not a paternal type or not good at adjusting to changed circumstances.
As you say you usually can't discuss it and work out a way to resolve whatever it is because it falls into an old pattern and a bust up, you might be able to sort it through mediation by a neutral person to allow both to air feelings, express whatever and learn how to map a way forward. This is undoubtedly a crisis and a possible turning point that may propel you both into doing something different which could be either more helpful or more drastic than you've been able to do before - if you can use it to break the pattern, defuse some of the build up of tension, understand each other's gripes and grievances more and come to some clearer conclusion one way or the other.

As far as planning for a possible future separation, I notice you said you are financially dependent on him although you have savings to last a while - also that you are financially independent - and could envisage selling the house and buying a small flat. The one thing you need to do before deciding to strike out on your own is to think long term financially and practically and not just about the short term living on your savings. For instance, could you stay in your family house rather than a small flat; would you get some financial support from him for your child and if so how much; how much would you need to earn yourself to make it feasible; how would you manage and finance childcare while working and would it require going full time or could you do part time? Use this time to become more informed about all the financial angles before you take that step to go it alone, if that's what you finally decide to do.

[quote Hula190]@Wombat96 I’m not sure now to be honest! I did wonder that myself.

He’s REALLY moping and feeling sorry for myself and I am low on patience. Just carrying on my day as normal.[/quote]
So he's even acting like he's the victim here?

He's sounding worse and worse!

Did any of his friends comment on him fucking off on the drink leaving his dw not knowing where he was or has he told them it’s all you?.

Moping about would get on my tits too. If anything had happened last night with the baby your on your own and he’s awol.

Best thing to do is to take him to court and arrange through them, both child maintenance and custody. That will enable you to be financially sound. He will soon realise he can't do 50/50 because it will impact on his social life and ability to walk away and have a tantrum when he can't cope, so you are probably ok there.

You can then apply, during the divorce I believe, to stay in your home until your child leaves full time education as you are and have been the main parent.

Apparently his friends all backed him up and told him he was the good guy. His mother too, apparently.

Hes slightly more ballshy this evening and I think just wants things back to normal. He’s going to have to get used to it, I want nothing to do with him at this moment in time.

Just biding my time and having a think to be honest.

Divorce the fucker, he’s majorly slagging you off to all and sundry.

I’m fuming for you.

A good guy for which particular aspect?

Giving you time to reflect? 🙄

It doesn’t matter what his friends or mother think and his wish to go back to ‘normal’ is predictable. YOU are unhappy and are fed up with the way he behaves. You have the right to end the relationship because you don’t want to be with him. He won’t agree with you because this life suits him but you deserve better than a man with a horrible temper who flounces out in a huff. He has proved that he sn’t a decent husband after 10+ years and he never will be.

Well he can fuck off and live with his friends or his mummy then can't he?

He’s showing you what your can expect from now on. It is controlling at best. Effectively you are stuck at home whenever he feels like swanning off. You are also likely me to tone down your challenges as time goes on and indeed be grateful when he returns. Around pregnancy and birth is exactly when this sort of behaviour starts.

His words mean nothing here. He’s done what he wanted. If you think there is any chance of him turning around you need to show him you mean business. Ask him to go and make him face what he’ll lose. Make him deal with your DC on his own, and leave him to it. He might shape up. You’ll have time to think what you want and expect.

It’s shit but better faced now than you wasting years of your life, and having fewer choices later on.

Hula, they always tell you how everyone thinks you're the bad guy! It's fantasy, not fact. All it tells you is that he's been having a good moan about you to anyone soft enough to listen.

Ask him what his DM and friends would say if you asked them directly and watch his face change. You don't need to ask, do you?

It ask him what he thinks they'd say if they could hear how he carries on at home and watch what he expects to get away with.

@Hula190

He couldn’t even be contrite for a fucking day. Honestly OP - what’s the point?

So sorry you’re going through this. It’s interesting that his initial apology this morning, has now turned into him pushing the narrative that he was right, in that all his friends and even his Mum agree with him. I find that highly unlikely, and they certainly don’t know the full story. His apology wasn’t worth much really, and his ballsy behaviour is horribly unattractive.

Very few people leave a partner when they first go thru something like this, but please remember this event in the future, when you’re considering your options. Because I’m sure you’ll be here again before you know it. He is not a kind, caring person, and IME these types don’t change.

BTW, you sound like a lovely Mum and person. Enjoy your baby and take good care of yourself.

I split from my ex when my son was 10 months old, I was working FT, got working tax credits, son started nursery and i had great support from my parents.

It can be done. Don't let yourself be a doormat for this twat and when people ask why you've split, be honest, say he keep walking out and one day YOU decided to change the locks because why should you put up with such shitty behaviour from a grown man?

Good luck

I couldn't be arsed with this sort of shit and I wouldn't want my child to grow up in a household with someone who thought that was an appropriate thing to do to his wife and small child.

You say the thought of splitting when your child is seven months old breaks your heart but if you look at it dispassionately its much better to split now than in five, six, seven years. If you split now your child will have no memory of you as a cohabiting couple.

You're financially independent and have a support network, use it and count yourself lucky that you will be able to stand on your own two feet fairly easily.

Honestly OP I think he's done you a favour. What a twat.

He's a piece of work, isn't he?

Hi, to be fair, if I had my time again, I would of left/got my abusive ex to not come back home(despite us only being in one tiny room in a house share)
He used to do this kind of thing before we had our DS, and I guess I just thought it would be better when we ended up having DS. But that behaviour and all the rest, only got worse. I've had a few say to me okay, when things get heated it is sometimes better to take time out, but that only works temporarily, if you both got up and walked out, then who would be looking after the DC! So it's taking liberties as well. Providing there isn't other abuse or issues, then he would need to find ways of communicating better instead of walking out, it's irresponsible.

But I think now is your opportunity to put a stop to it once and for all and not let him come back. He is treating you as a pushover knowing that he can go off, and return and be welcomed back in, he is in control.
This is no life for your DC, who as they grow, could see this happen on various occasions and just see their father coming and going.

@Hula190

Apparently his friends all backed him up and told him he was the good guy. His mother too, apparently.

Hes slightly more ballshy this evening and I think just wants things back to normal. He’s going to have to get used to it, I want nothing to do with him at this moment in time.

Just biding my time and having a think to be honest.

Of course that’s what they’ve said: he’s told them whatever they need to hear so that they would say that. It means nothing. Apart from, he got to them first so they’ll always be predisposed to believe his side first now, it’s likely.

Bin his arse.

He’s only going to get worse.

Of course he'll tell you he's got people on 'his side'. His version of events will be very different to yours. My ex fucked off with OW and got bored of being the bad guy v quickly so it rapidly became a narrative of long unhappiness and blah blah and his work colleagues don't think he was wrong 🙄. You sound really strong and ready to face what may need to happen. I bet a million pounds he won't want or stick to 50/50. It will be far too hard to actual DO rather than just 'help'. You'll end up in a nice little place with your DD, with eow off to have a bit of a social life.. Its not all bad being a single parent and your DD won't know any different.

@Hula190

Apparently his friends all backed him up and told him he was the good guy. His mother too, apparently.

Hes slightly more ballshy this evening and I think just wants things back to normal. He’s going to have to get used to it, I want nothing to do with him at this moment in time.

Just biding my time and having a think to be honest.

Like he'll have told them all the full story. I split from DCs dad when youngest was 2.5. He doesn't remember us ever living together.