Husband has left…

[Hula190]

We have a 7mo DD and my husband has packed a bag and left.

Turbulent relationship due to his temper, and he has struggled since DD has been born with life changing less time for himself etc etc (despite me doing 80% of all parenting required)

He has left before after rows and I have always been the one to chase him to try and make amends. Now we have a child I feel that actually that won’t be happening any more. If he wants to leave then so be it.

But where do I go from here? I am on maternity leave and do rely on him financially though I have a lot in savings so would be ok for a little while. Plenty of supportive family and friends nearby.

If he follows his usual pattern he will return and want to make up tomorrow after he’s had his ‘space’ tonight. I’m just not keen to repeat that cycle and I don’t think I want him to return home (but I am extremely angry right now).

Any thoughts/advice welcome :-(

@RealBecca

If you want to be with him i think you have to play the long game here.

Tell him you dont want him back and you need time, let him grovel a bit, after about a week meet for a chat and say you arent happy to be in a relationship with him walking out. Give him 1:1 access for long enough he will find it hard and incovenient i.e. changong work pattern, dpinf whole days without grandparents. Then set new paramenters if he wants to come back, such as you will do XYZ by routine without considering it "help". And kick him straight out if he reverts to type. This is basically your best and probably only chance to redress the power and respect balance.

Sorry but this is poor advice and wildly dysfunctional.

You won't be a part time parent, he wouldn't be able to handle having your lo for 50% of the time and contact would likely be sporadic at best unless he could replace you with his mother as someone to look after your lo so he can carry on being as hands off as he normally is.

You need to take some time thinking about what your next move will be as this seems like it will be an ongoing issue. I definitely wouldn't be having any more kids with him for a start. Tbh his lack of involvement in family life will only cause more resentment as you get back to work and find working, taking care of your lo and doing everything else gets harder. He turns it on you by saying he doesn't like the way you speak to him but how can you respect someone who quite frankly does nothing to earn your respect. Little things shouldn't need to be pointed out to him, he should be able to see they need doing and get on with them.

The first year with a baby is hard but if op can mange why can't her partner? It's his attitude towards parenting and considering it doing her a favour or helping that is the problem. You don't have big arguments because you do everything and then the resentment leads to bickering. Have it out with him, explain where your head is at and see if he makes any significant changes. If he thinks you are serious about leaving him he might change. If not then you know what to do.

If you have someone who can mind your baby I’d arrange a neutral meeting place (park bench / coffee shop etc, anywhere it’s unlikely to turn into a yelling match) to have an honest discussion and spend some time before then figuring out what you need from him to be happy - more help around the house, child free time etc and what is unacceptable now you are parents. Be prepared to listen to him honestly and what he needs as he may be an irretrievable tit or he may genuinely be struggling to adjust, I think by carrying a baby we are well used to them coming first and some men just seem to take a while to get it / that you aren’t able to enable them to be shit round the house anymore. It’s not okay and it needs to change but I’d have to give him the chance to grow the fuck up so I knew I’d done everything I can. You sound very sensible so whatever happens it will be fine, you’ve got this!

I think you need to text him.
1 there is no money in the joint account , you need to use your account.
2 You just walked out on your child, you are a parent now, time to step up.
3 This is not a break, if you cheat there is no going back.
4 if you don't intend to do your share of being a parent then what is the point of us?

Couples counselling ? I would think talking to him about it will have to wait till the hangover has worn off.

@Wombat96

I look back and think why did I not have firmer boundaries. I let myself get treated badly when really I should have took a stand. Life really doesn't need to be dramatic.

I am quite with Wombat on this one. I was in a very similar position as you. Had 1 child who was 18 months old and I was 5 months pregnant with another, and a STBXH who did similarly did possibly 15% of the parenting, almost nothing around the house, and as the emotional abuse escalated, it got to a point where I was like I can’t do this anymore and now my child is growing up and bearing witness to this terrible environment and what impact will it have on them.

Your ‘DH’ behaves in that way, because he knows how much time you have invested in a each other, the home you have built for you and your family, and your reluctance and vulnerability (in so far that you have the care and responsibility right now for a very vulnerable and demanding baby) in being able to change that. It’s a simple case of taking you for granted and treating you and your child in such an appalling way because frankly hedging his bets, he doesn’t seriously think you’ll leave and will be ready to take him back in, when he returns in a day or so. He wouldn’t treat an employment or friendship situation in the same way; he knows he couldn’t get away with that behaviour in those relationships.

It sounds like you aren’t ready to leave - fair enough. For many women it takes many years and many attempts at departing before they can.

It could also be however that there is something to save. The difficult thing for you, and your husband needs to know - and really know this - that this behaviour won’t be tolerated, you have boundaries and expectations of reasonable behaviour and if he crosses them, there will be consequences. I did some couples counselling for a period - but actually I found it was simply a forum for my husband to air his grievances and for the abuse to continue. Couples counselling kept me for much longer in an abusive marriage when really I needed to get out.

I wonder if your DC was 3 years old and seeing her Daddy pack his bag and go, and became inconsolably upset at his appearing to be permanent leaving, would you still feel the same way?

I really feel for you. His behaviour is more than a bit appalling. It needs to change. And you and him need to sort it out.

I wish you well with this. My experience tells me that he is unlikely to change but perhaps if you could give him a picture of what his future will look like if he continues to behave like an entitled, spoilt and immature brat / emotionally abusive DH and can convince him to believe and take responsibility for his own changing, there may be some improvement for you and your child.

You understandably are reluctant to leave, and I hope he can and will want to change. My sense from your message is that your patience and tolerance of his behaviour will grow thin in time.

Sending lots of love and courage to you for the days ahead

@ILoveAllRainbowsx he knew I had my hands full and he was being impatient as usual.

Yes I probably could have been nicer but does that warrant him heading off to a hotel for the night with no regard for me or his child?

Hi OP and sorry that things are tough right now. As I read your post, I asked myself the question is this just a control technique he is using,? He gets angry he leaves, he returns, you talk and I guess historically you concede small things? You are constantly off guard and you have no security- he gains and keeps control. I think you need to be clearly this behaviour will not help your marriage and if it continues, and maybe even now, consider if the marriage is right for you and your DC.

Thank you all for advice

If I were to call what he will say when we do eventually talk, he will pin all the blame on me and effectively say I gave him no choice but to leave (totally untrue).

He will say (as he always does) that it is my behaviour that is the Start of things and his reaction is due to my action and therefore the issue lies with me. He will refuse to accept any responsibility for his actions.

I am not perfect and definitely need to listen to him but I really have heard it all before this time around. I’ve lost all respect. I could never walk out on my family and now he has I feel the trust has gone.

@Hula190

We have a 7mo DD and my husband has packed a bag and left.

Turbulent relationship due to his temper, and he has struggled since DD has been born with life changing less time for himself etc etc (despite me doing 80% of all parenting required)

He has left before after rows and I have always been the one to chase him to try and make amends. Now we have a child I feel that actually that won’t be happening any more. If he wants to leave then so be it.

But where do I go from here? I am on maternity leave and do rely on him financially though I have a lot in savings so would be ok for a little while. Plenty of supportive family and friends nearby.

If he follows his usual pattern he will return and want to make up tomorrow after he’s had his ‘space’ tonight. I’m just not keen to repeat that cycle and I don’t think I want him to return home (but I am extremely angry right now).

Any thoughts/advice welcome :-(

Not to decentre you at all, but please do what you need to , in order to still be what you consider a good mum - rant to friends/family, watch tv to relax, give yourself a break a little.

I know from experience that when I'm feeling low my parenting takes a hit. Your baby is young, and if this is your first child it's hard enough. Give yourself and your baby the very best by being kind to yourself.

Hey Op,

This behaviour just sounds utterly exhausting and I agree at least a week would be good for you to clear your head and decide is this really how you want your relationship to continue? Even if he does turn it around and try to blame you. Walking about from you and your child is unacceptable and childish behaviour, his family should be his priority and he needs to learn to sit down and hold a conversation to resolve this. He also needs to look in the mirror about the way he speaks to you, what's wrong with his legs to come get the keys ? Instead of shouting to get your attention honestly this would drive me mad. Hope your ok xxx

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Instead of saying "yes give me a bloody second" couldn't you have just said "I am just in the middle of doing x, I will be down in x minutes?"

Or why don't you (him) unlock the car.

@Jamdown123 yes I will, thank you. My family have been so supportive already and my baby will absolutely not know what’s going on. Hard to be playful and happy when I feel so angry but that’s exactly what I will be. Easy for him to just bugger off and not have to worry about the impact on it indirectly potentially has on our child by treating me this way :(

He will say (as he always does) that it is my behaviour that is the Start of things and his reaction is due to my action and therefore the issue lies with me. He will refuse to accept any responsibility for his actions.

What a bloody prince you've got there, Billy Big Balls who you mustn't upset with your nasty tone.

Tell him to get fucked.

If I were to call what he will say when we do eventually talk, he will pin all the blame on me and effectively say I gave him no choice but to leave (totally untrue).

He will say (as he always does) that it is my behaviour that is the Start of things and his reaction is due to my action and therefore the issue lies with me. He will refuse to accept any responsibility for his actions.

Stay calm. Refuse to discuss anything - simply say to him You walked out on your family and we are over. This is the last time you get to play your silly little games. I am done. The only things we now have to discuss will be done through solicitors.

Refuse to get drawn into anything else. Don't listen to excuses, recriminations, blaming you for it all. Simply walk away and keep repeating, My solicitor will deal with it. The marriage is over.

Be a bit careful. This blame thing can be used to justify escalation to violence.

"You drove me to it..."

Very dodgy.

If I were to call what he will say when we do eventually talk, he will pin all the blame on me and effectively say I gave him no choice but to leave (totally untrue).

He will say (as he always does) that it is my behaviour that is the Start of things and his reaction is due to my action and therefore the issue lies with me. He will refuse to accept any responsibility for his actions.

It's called gaslighting, and the purpose of it is to have you doubting yourself to the point where you think he must be right. And he's already halfway to achieving that: I really am trying to look at myself and see what I could be doing wrong but I don’t think I’m that bad at all.

Please don't let a nice house blind you to what he's doing. Think back to pre baby. I'd guess that when it was only you and him you gave in a lot, admitted fault just to get the row over with, did the lion's share of all the domestic work then as well.

And look up 'sunk costs fallacy' while you're at it. You're not throwing away the last however many years you've been together, you're protecting yourself and DD from many more years of the same.

I have to ask: Did your husband enthusiastically want a baby, or were you the one pushing for it? Not everyone is cut out for parenthood. Some people, unfortunately, don't realize that until they already have a child. Your husband may be one of those people. Things may improve once your child gets older, more interactive, and less demanding. Or they may not. Whether you want to stay married in the meantime is up to you.

If it were me, I'd consider the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy. If he was the one begging me to have a child, and then he refused to do his share of the parenting, I'd view him as completely at fault. But if it was the other way around, and I'd basically talked or ultimatumed him into having a child, I'd view myself as largely at fault for failing to consider how the huge life changes would impact someone who didn't really want to be doing it in the first place. Ultimately, though, it doesn't matter who's to blame: it only matters what's best for your child.

He is controlling you with his temper. He knows exactly what he is doing.
His outburst today was most probably exaggerated so he could go on his (pre-arranged night out)
Think very carefully about your next move.
I am sorry you are having to cope with this with such a young baby, but you sound strong.

@PurpleOkapi it was very much a joint decision. Our baby is breastfed and won’t take a bottle and he works all the hours of the day so it does feel that all of the parenting/house work has fallen to me by default. I haven’t really minded but have raised this as basically I don’t think he realises how good he’s got it. He seems to feel very hard done by and I just have no idea why.

He sounds like he could well be depressed. You need to raise this with him and direct him towards an online group or advice page. You also need to be clear with him that he needs to be open with you and seek help if he wants your relationship to continue. It sounds like he's not walked out on you or the baby, but just walked out because he is stressed/not coping. There is a difference.

How convenient for him to do this on the bh sun. Perfect excuse to head out on the piss.

He sounds like an arse and I think you need to put your dd first and get rid asap.

[quote Hula190]@legoriakelne you are right. But he always seems to find a way to turn it around on me? He always says ‘you speak to me like shit’ though can’t really seem to give tangible examples. I really am trying to look at myself and see what I could be doing wrong but I don’t think I’m that bad at all. Actually I think I’ve done a bloody brilliant job this last 7 months. 😢[/quote]
Men like him and my ex are experts at this kind of head game. IME he ran rings around me like this, so much so that I didn't know which way was up and which way was down. I too questioned myself and really tried to see what I was doing wrong.

What happened today with you not getting the keys quickly enough is another little tactic so that next time you'll move quicker- he is conditioning you to dance to his tune. Your punishment is him leaving. Except this time your angry and not chasing him, this will mess his head up.

Keep a hold of that anger and use it to your advantage. And read up an coercive control and possibly narcissist abuse, I'm willing to bet you will tick a good few boxes.

Also just to add that parenting and running a home alone is way easier than doing it with someone who isn't giving the same effort as you. The resentment builds and you lose respect for that person. You are supposed to be a team but he thinks you should be grateful for him "helping you". My dear woman, repeat after me FUCK THAT SHIT !!!! 🤬

@Hula190

That's fair. I was only curious because the reaction you describe is a common one when someone feels (perhaps wrongly or unfairly) like their hand was forced somehow. If you decide to try to work things out, it might be worth asking if he feels that way. Even if he does, that doesn't mean he's right in feeling that way or that you did anything wrong to cause it, but it would at least be a starting point for identifying the root issues and seeing if possible solutions exist.