Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has left…

178 replies

Hula190 · 29/08/2021 19:25

We have a 7mo DD and my husband has packed a bag and left.

Turbulent relationship due to his temper, and he has struggled since DD has been born with life changing less time for himself etc etc (despite me doing 80% of all parenting required)

He has left before after rows and I have always been the one to chase him to try and make amends. Now we have a child I feel that actually that won’t be happening any more. If he wants to leave then so be it.

But where do I go from here? I am on maternity leave and do rely on him financially though I have a lot in savings so would be ok for a little while. Plenty of supportive family and friends nearby.

If he follows his usual pattern he will return and want to make up tomorrow after he’s had his ‘space’ tonight. I’m just not keen to repeat that cycle and I don’t think I want him to return home (but I am extremely angry right now).

Any thoughts/advice welcome :-(

OP posts:
Smackthepony · 30/08/2021 20:07

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Sounds like he starts arguments to give himself an excuse to disappear overnight and he does it having already decided his plans.
This is exactly what my DH did and he admitted it during the post mortem! He was seeing another woman (not saying this is your case OP) so would start a ridiculously petty argument then grab his keys and storm out. I would be standing there aghast at what just happened. He admitted that’s how he made sure he could get away to her! He would come home and gaslight me, telling me I started it or it was somehow my fault. This is a pretty well known tactic of abusive men.
Redruby2020 · 30/08/2021 20:08

@PlateSpinnerJuggler

Do you love him?

I'm going to play devils advocate to what I've skimmed from most of the posts...

It's not always bad to walk away in a fight - sometimes it's actually good so things don't escalate and get out of control or that more hurtful things aren't said in the heat of the moment.

People are mentioning gaslighting and abuse, I don't think you've suggested that's the case (if it is then yes get away whilst you can).

But if it's not and he's just struggling with the change in dynamics from being a parent and being grumpy about it then I think that's quite normal for a while after having a child - and not only a first child - id say each child I had it took family dynamics to adjust and was the same for many of my friends...

Maybe you can sugges counselling or anger management if it's necessary - but if you still love him then relationships do take work and have ups and downs so don't bolt to quickly

Yes, I have said in my reply, that I had a few tell me that it is not always a bad thing to take time out, instead of things escalating etc, time to calm down/think, but long term this is not an option, with or without kids. Especially with!! You can't seriously be suggesting that it is okay long term for the OP's DH to carry on doing that, why doesn't she do it, or all the others who are still with someone like this, or who were with someone like this. What if everyone just got up and walked out when things were tough, I think the majority of us, be it the mother or father, found a new baby hard and in our own different ways, that is not a way of dealing with it, short or long term. Whether there is any other abuse present or not, this kind of behaviour is part of abusive ways, it's built up to become as it has, a cycle, and what is does to the other person who doesn't do it, can have quite a detrimental effect.
Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 20:16

My advice? Go and see a solicitor. Find out exactly where you stand. Tell him you want a separation: I think he has got into a pattern of getting all stroppy, flouncing off, and then coming back expecting you to make up – which you usually do. He needs to realise that these dramatics are no longer acceptable. Scare the shit out of him and see how he reacts. You have a child now, and he needs to take her into consideration too. He hasn’t just walked out on you this time, he’s walked out on your child too. As for him wanting joint custody – if it came to it, give it to him. I guarantee he will not want it. I know of several women who have a joint custody agreement went with their ex-husband, and the women have the child pretty much constantly. The men usually see the child every other weekend, and some of them once a week for an evening too. His friends and mother backing him up means nothing: of course there he is going to say they are on his side. When they are all settled with their families and he is living a single life and bored out of his brain, I bet they will not be there for him. I’m sure you are not giving any headspace to what they think. Give into him this time, and he’s going to keep doing this every now and again… Walking out on you and your child in order to have a little bit of a blow out, play being single, and then coming back when he’s had his fill. Put your foot down now, this is no way for you and your daughter to live.

NewlyGranny · 30/08/2021 20:18

It's a massive life change having a baby. You need to be properly grown up. Not everybody is.

A partner who picks a fight to get a free pass for a night out is not a grown-up.

If he was feeling the pressure, he could have - ooh, I dunno - spoken to OP about it like a grown-up and they could have negotiated some time out for both of them, like grown-ups.

Seems there's one grown-up in OP's house, one baby and one stroppy kid.

Smackthepony · 30/08/2021 20:18

@Hula190

Apparently his friends all backed him up and told him he was the good guy. His mother too, apparently.

Hes slightly more ballshy this evening and I think just wants things back to normal. He’s going to have to get used to it, I want nothing to do with him at this moment in time.

Just biding my time and having a think to be honest.

Google ‘flying Monkeys’, he’s lining them up in advance. He’s prepping them to be on his side when the end comes. He knows its all untrue but he wants to look like the good guy and paint you as the spouse from hell who makes his life insufferable.
Nsky · 30/08/2021 20:23

Why is he so spoilt and badly behaved?
Or is it training by his parents, no one needs this, dogs are better behaved

Almostfamous29 · 30/08/2021 20:36

I agree with all of this^
If you don’t break the cycle then they will just continue to flounce off as they please and still get to play happy families when it suits them

Ellie56 · 30/08/2021 20:36

Apparently his friends all backed him up and told him he was the good guy. His mother too, apparently.

Well they would wouldn't they? Hmm

I bet he's only told them half the story. I bet they don't know he treats you like shit and does fuck all for his baby.

Nsky · 30/08/2021 20:37

Being a mother changes you too, maybe he’s not happy about that?abuse is abuse be strong

bigbaggyeyes · 30/08/2021 20:48

So he's back to getting arsed because you won't simply forgive and forget what's happened. Sounds like you're flogging a dead horse here

Star81 · 30/08/2021 20:57

He’s trying to make you think your the bad guy in the wrong. Your not.

Nsky · 30/08/2021 21:11

He’s relying on her giving in, enough is enough at times

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/08/2021 21:47

Leave him to mope. He's brought this on himself and now he's feeling sorry for himself because you haven't done the decent thing and apologised, said it's all your fault, let him off the hook. Well he can stay on the hook. This isn't a one off, he has a temper and this is his usual tactic to bring you back into line. It's no way for you to live, because when you try to make amends you only reinforce his belief that he's done nothing wrong and you're the problem. Let him stew.

Megameg56 · 30/08/2021 21:52

Leave,leave,leave!you dont want to be with someone with anger issues,who does not take responsibility for it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/08/2021 22:04

Ah these wankers are so predictable! He's lining up the old "everyone else thinks you're mental too" thing... spoiler alert: they don't and if they do, it's because he's fed them a pack of lies!

Littlepaws18 · 30/08/2021 22:06

His friends and mother base their opinion on the information he feeds them. So their reaction is probably pretty close to what he thinks. It looks like he gave you a different version of what he thinks. I would hold him to account for this.

Michelle41 · 30/08/2021 22:13

I threw my ex out after I found out he was cheating. I wasn't on maternity leave at the time, yet my son was only four and I had been a stay at home mum, for 2 years before I threw him out. I was totally financially reliable on him, yet had a small income from some self employed work. So I claimed UC and it did take 10 weeks, yet 3 years on, I now work part-time, live in a rented newly renovated 3 bedroom house. Have a nice life and my children had paid child maintenance, through the child maintenance service. I can afford a car, days out, buy things I want when I need them. My children haven't gone without anything. Yet I don't smoke, hardly drink, and am very tied to childcare as my children don't see him now. Yet I am happy, secure, my children are happy and we are better off without him. So will you be. You need stability and happiness in your life, not drama or bumpy roads. We only get a life I suggest you make the rest of yours a happy one.

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/08/2021 22:21

Sorry, I didn't see your update that he's turned to ballsy. Well then, get ballsy yourself. And if that equates to telling him you're seeing a divorce solicitor tomorrow, there's not one of us who'd blame you.

saleorbouy · 30/08/2021 22:22

Speaking as a male and a father it seems like he needs to face up to his anger issues and seek some help and grow a pair and realise that his daughter and wifes needs come before his. Life as a parent is not like your single life, it changes but if you enbrace it's immensely satisfying.
I hope it works out for you but him running away when things get tough is no way to carry on.

thenewduchessofhastings · 30/08/2021 22:28

@Hula190

He won't have her 50/50;I can't see him coping alone 50% of the time.I bet he doesn't get up in the night to her,do bathtime,change shitty nappies or wash her clothes.

Also I'm betting he moved straight out of mummy's house and in with you didn't he?

You can spot these men a mile off because their usually absolute wankers once the kids start arriving

GrandmaSteglitszch · 31/08/2021 00:39

@Hula190

Apparently his friends all backed him up and told him he was the good guy. His mother too, apparently.

Hes slightly more ballshy this evening and I think just wants things back to normal. He’s going to have to get used to it, I want nothing to do with him at this moment in time.

Just biding my time and having a think to be honest.

His mates would say anything so they can get on with tipping the booze down. His mum won't have been told the truth.
Themeparklover · 31/08/2021 03:07

I think weigh up what you could get in financial support before making any significant moves, I think you'd be surprised what you WOULD get out of the divorce as a positive especially as the main care giver for your infant daughter. I think dealing with the up and down would be too much for anyone. If he chooses to return then tell him you either seek psychiatric help or we cannot continue doing this.

Themeparklover · 31/08/2021 03:11

After reading the latter get rid he is clearly out on nights out up to no good, he isn't worth the energy you will be fine move on.

skodadoda · 31/08/2021 18:40

@Feedingthebirds1

Leave him to mope. He's brought this on himself and now he's feeling sorry for himself because you haven't done the decent thing and apologised, said it's all your fault, let him off the hook. Well he can stay on the hook. This isn't a one off, he has a temper and this is his usual tactic to bring you back into line. It's no way for you to live, because when you try to make amends you only reinforce his belief that he's done nothing wrong and you're the problem. Let him stew.
OP, engrave this on your brain - well, post it on the kitchen wall 😄
Zombiemum1946 · 31/08/2021 20:15

You appear to have had enough of his twaddle. If his mother agrees with him that much she can have him back for a while. I think time away from him for a while sounds like a good start . I would bet my mortgage on him not looking after lo 50% of the time, that's far more likely to involve granny for most of it.