What the hell do we do?! (Potential trigger warning)

[Ninhurt]

Dsd has just disclosed to me that she thinks she has been abused. BUT (and I few like a complete monster for saying this) it doesn’t really add up and I’m not sure what to do. I used to be so sure I’d instantly call the police but the details are extremely fuzzy.

For instance dsd said that she thinks a teacher from a hobby when she was younger ‘did something’. She doesn’t know what, and doesn’t remember anything happening. She also said she can’t remember the name of the teacher, then later on said that her older sister had googled him and that he had left the country. She then again said she didn’t know his name (then how did her sister google him?)

She has also named a teacher at her primary school that she said she also thinks ‘did something’. But again, she can’t remember anything that may have happened? Just that she ‘has a feeling’. And she said he hugged her once in the staff room?

Dsd is 19. DH is absolutely distraught and wanted to phone 111 for advice but dsd says she doesn’t want to because she can’t actually remember anything happening. She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?

I’m not an evil stepmom, we actually have a really good relationship, and I feel awful, but I can’t shake the intuition that this isn’t quite true. Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this.

DH says we have to leave it (but he and his side of the family are in a complete state). I think we should call the non emergency police number for some sort of advice as you never know. And if it (whatever ‘it’ is) is true then this teacher is now a deputy head at a primary school?

DH and dsd are both very against this idea. I feel extremely unsettled and am worried about dsd wondering what else may be wrong (as I don’t think she’d make something like this up flippantly).

What an awkward situation.

I think you need to sit her down and explain to her the importance of her telling you exactly what she remembers and that in order to help protect other children you really do need to go to the police.

Hope you get things sorted

I think the best thing would be to go to the police and let them deal with it. It could come to nothing, or it could form part of a bigger picture that is useful in some way. I would also encourage DSD to have some counselling around it. Even if it is just a few sessions. Help her to see her feelings and experiences are valid even if she isn’t sure what happened

That's good advice from @Sirzy

Really tricky situation OP.

There's no need to hurry here. I'd probably call the NSPCC for some advice, I'd also arrange some counselling so she can talk through what she remembers, the NSPCC might be able to help with this too. She's too old to speak to a counsellor at Childline but there are other charities that do youth counselling by phone. I'd respond to this by believing her, taking it really seriously and arranging professional support for her. As and when she is ready, then you can support her with a call to the police.

@Holly60

I think the best thing would be to go to the police and let them deal with it. It could come to nothing, or it could form part of a bigger picture that is useful in some way. I would also encourage DSD to have some counselling around it. Even if it is just a few sessions. Help her to see her feelings and experiences are valid even if she isn’t sure what happened

Really good advice, totally agree with this approach.

Reassure her that she doesn't have to report anything or anyone right now, and that your main priority is making sure that she is alright. Offer to support her with finding a Counsellor who has specialist knowledge around sexual assault who can help her make sense of why this has all surfaced for her now, and who will help her navigate her next steps.

She is 19. Only she can make a report to the police. If she doesn’t want to at the moment, then don’t push it. Don’t take the control away from her. It is not her responsibility to protect other people, only to look after herself.

She may benefit from some counselling. But don’t put any pressure on her to remember what happened - it may never happen. Sometimes memories of traumatic events simply aren’t created, especially in children, it’s a way of the brain protecting itself (disassociation I think it’s called).

Thank you, she used to have a private councillor but stopped going last year. I’ll see if she wants to start that up again when everything has calmed down a bit.

Hiding in the bathroom fake running a bath at the moment. Before I came up Dsd made it clear that she will be very angry with me if I call the police for advice.

I explained that I felt I was duty bound to as she’d named someone and that person was still teaching at a primary school. She is not happy at all. DH is trying to say we have to and I can still hear raised voices so not sure what’s happening now.

Ah ok, so not a good idea to push asking for advice from the police non emergency then?

From what I can gather dsd said she started thinking about it after the counselling she attended last year. She said she was wondering why she was the way she was (mh problems from the age of 13) and started to link that with uti infections she used to get as a child and it all ‘clicked’. She also said that she had to stop seeing that counsellor as they called her manipulative and they weren’t very good as she thinks she has autism and they disagreed.

It could be repressed memories that are surfacing for whatever reason which is why it seems a bit fuzzy.
As she's 19 it's up to her if she reports or not. Don't try and say "to protect other children" as all that will do is make her feel guilty when she isn't even sure exactly what happened.

It sounds like she needs some therapy to work through this and then go from there.

Yeah she has probably unwittingly put you in a really difficult position if she had really been abused and the perpetrator is in a position of power surrounded by kids. What are her thoughts on this?

@Sirzy

What an awkward situation.

I think you need to sit her down and explain to her the importance of her telling you exactly what she remembers and that in order to help protect other children you really do need to go to the police.

Hope you get things sorted

Agreed, tell her other children may also have experiences that need investigation. She must do her best to come forward for counseling.

it would have been better if it weren’t true.

But from what everyone is saying repressed memories are likely? Would that result in not being able to remember the what/when/who of what happened but having a feeling that something did?

She has named one teacher from school but not the other one from a different hobby she had (but her sister knows the name?). If she does decide to report her feelings will they both be investigated?

It is tricky. Repressed memories are a very genuine thing, however.

I wouldn't dismiss what she is saying. It's entirely possible that there is something there that she can't quite remember yet.

If she was lying, I would have thought she would have come up with a better story than 'I think something happened but I can't really remember'.

"She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?"

"Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this."

"she used to have a private councillor but stopped going last year. "

I take it her aunts and Nan are her dad's sisters and mum?

Why do you think she wants them told, but not her own mother? And what was she seeing a counsellor for?

I agree that you shouldn’t remove the control from her- if she doesn’t want you to go to police etc that’s her choice and if you do it likely will damage trust between you. I think for the moment it’s best to sit and talk with her about what she can recall and see if you can establish further information. It occurred to me perhaps something has happened somewhere along the line but maybe not in the context she said.. I don’t know why I thought that but it occurred to me perhaps she was reaching out needing support but didn’t want to say from what/whom and so has a hazy story that can’t be pinned down too much. Talking will help establish any further info and also keep the trust between you. Curious as to why she wouldn’t want to tell her mum… yet ok for extended family? Seems odd. I think plenty of reassurance you are there for her and won’t do anything against her will is key. Good luck xox

Yes, she only wants her dads side of the family told. But she asked us to tell her nan, grandad, two aunties and uncle.

She was seeing a counsellor from 13 after she fell into a bad crowd and started cutting herself (they were all doing it) and bunking off school. She took it up again last year after she got some panic attacks but has been ok for a year or so.

I understand your feelings, we think these things will be so clear cut. Unfortunately our brains don't work that way, especially when it comes to remembering traumatic events.

I'd always had a feeling about someone from my childhood, but put it out of my mind, it was just a feeling. Then a mutual friend got in touch, not even a mention of his name, but everything came back to me and it all clicked together.

I didn't make a report, like so many of us do not. I'd encourage anyone to report, but equally recognise that can cause more harm than good.

My advice for now, is to give her space to talk, to you or to a counsellor.

Your dsd needs to explore these feelings for her own mental health before thinking about it as “reporting a crime”. Right now her feelings and memories are very jumbled. I’d say she needs trauma counselling.
I know someone going through this due to a historical attack and although it’s clear a crime happened and the police have been informed, she’s working with a therapist first before they even consider charges.

Please believe your DSD, trauma can massively affect the way you brain stores and recalls memories. You disbelieving her could have serious implications on her ability to heal and process what's happened.

Putting pressure on her to remember things or clarify information is likely to be unhelpful.

Give her time to process what she's remembering and allow her to make her own decisions about what she does. She is not responsible for her abusers actions then or now and should never be expected to take that on.

If she does choose to disclose to the police it's important no one has influenced her memories or it's likely the case will not be taken forward. The bar is exceptionally high for cps to pursue a case of historic CSA don't do anything that would jeopardise any future potential case.

I say this gently as a parent of an abused child, it's not about you it's about them. They've been through terrible trauma, they can feel they don't understand themselves or can't trust their own memories. A supportive family who believe them and are there for them is vital for them to process what's going on.

When I go back downstairs I will tell her to take her time.

It’s horrific to think that an eight year old bumped in to two pedophiles in two separate locations at the same time. It’s awful, the world certainly isn’t a as safe as it felt this morning.

Also to those on this thread that have experienced similar and thank you for helping me to understand where dsd is coming from a bit better.

As as ex investigator of child abuse my advice to you is don’t have the discussion about telling the truth as you could put her off disclosing what she does remember. Also it’s very important that you, or anyone else doesn’t question her further.

You need to ring the Police and they will refer to a child abuse investigator. Just because she’s fuzzy on the details it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

It sounds like something has triggered memories she has and that things are coming to the surface.

Not being able to remember things clearly and memories and feelings that come and go like that actually fit more with a true story of childhood abuse than a clear and linear narrative would actually.

Children’s minds do not store traumatic events in neat and tidy packages and it’s possible she has had much clearer recollections and fragments (like remembering the teachers name at some point even though it’s gone again)

Now she has told, she might have more memories. Something has definitely happened to her but you don’t really know what or when and neither does she for definite right now.

How old she was will have made a difference to the way memories were stored also, and it can be common to have memories without words if the youngster didn’t at that time, have the necessary language to process and name their feelings and experience.

Just tell her you believe her - and DO believe her - and that there is no rush or pressure to remember or tell more but that you are glad that she is opening up and trusting you so that she can talk about this stuff.

And I agree with you DSD that the police is a terrible idea at this stage.

What can she tell them? A good counsellor would be a better start - and just because she didn’t click with one before doesn’t mean she won’t with another.

I'd avoid grilling her and seek advice from.the police or NSPCC.