What the hell do we do?! (Potential trigger warning)

[Ninhurt]

Dsd has just disclosed to me that she thinks she has been abused. BUT (and I few like a complete monster for saying this) it doesn’t really add up and I’m not sure what to do. I used to be so sure I’d instantly call the police but the details are extremely fuzzy.

For instance dsd said that she thinks a teacher from a hobby when she was younger ‘did something’. She doesn’t know what, and doesn’t remember anything happening. She also said she can’t remember the name of the teacher, then later on said that her older sister had googled him and that he had left the country. She then again said she didn’t know his name (then how did her sister google him?)

She has also named a teacher at her primary school that she said she also thinks ‘did something’. But again, she can’t remember anything that may have happened? Just that she ‘has a feeling’. And she said he hugged her once in the staff room?

Dsd is 19. DH is absolutely distraught and wanted to phone 111 for advice but dsd says she doesn’t want to because she can’t actually remember anything happening. She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?

I’m not an evil stepmom, we actually have a really good relationship, and I feel awful, but I can’t shake the intuition that this isn’t quite true. Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this.

DH says we have to leave it (but he and his side of the family are in a complete state). I think we should call the non emergency police number for some sort of advice as you never know. And if it (whatever ‘it’ is) is true then this teacher is now a deputy head at a primary school?

DH and dsd are both very against this idea. I feel extremely unsettled and am worried about dsd wondering what else may be wrong (as I don’t think she’d make something like this up flippantly).

It isn't 'shite' at all. She's probably telling the truth: she could be lying. I never discount the possibility that people are lying, even when I think they're telling the truth. It would've been very dangerous in my line of work, fifteen years ago.

has told him that if he doesn’t she will think he doesn’t believe her. In her texts to me she says if we don’t call them then she will know he doesn’t love her as much as he does dd (shared dd) and that we have upset her so much with talk of reporting that she feels like harming herself again

She might not be lying, but she does sound, in this instance, incredibly manipulative and fully employing emotional blackmail.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

This is a good doc on the safeguarding element of this, OP. A good starting point, anyway. *hipsprocedures.org.uk/assets/clients/7/Adults%20who%20Disclose%20Childhood%20Sexual%20Abuse.pdf*

This is for adults who disclose to professionals, not to family. The only safeguarding this family need to consider is that of DSD and ensure she's mentally ok. Stop trying to push the op into disclosing based on your feelings. It's not down to op to disclose its the DSDs and she gets to decide who does and doesn't know and how much they know

I'm not trying to push anyone into anything. I thought OP might find it useful to see how this process works.

You might phone the Bridge on the following number:

www.thebridgecanhelp.org.uk

telephone 0117 342 6999

They deal with current as well as what is known as 'historic abuse'.

They may not be in your area but sure they can point you in right direction for best help.

Please try this number/website

has told him that if he doesn’t she will think he doesn’t believe her. In her texts to me she says if we don’t call them then she will know he doesn’t love her as much as he does dd (shared dd) and that we have upset her so much with talk of reporting that she feels like harming herself again

She might not be lying, but she does sound, in this instance, incredibly manipulative and fully employing emotional blackmail.

Or she's emotionally and mentally confused due to these feelings and memories and is just desperate to be believed, making her dad tell others first screams fear of not being believed.

The more you post OP, the more your DSD sounds incredibly disturbed and manipulative - which is exactly what her therapist said before.

Of course that doesn't mean the abuse didn't happen but I think this is a very complex situation and there could be a lot going on here.

Her aggression and emotionally blackmailing your DH is really concerning. I really think you/her need some urgent professional help.

See this decison making tree of theirs
some decide to report, others don't want to.

The following should help:
www.thebridgecanhelp.org.uk/

She might not be lying, but she does sound, in this instance, incredibly manipulative and fully employing emotional blackmail.

Or, she's fucking traumatised and desperate for people to believe her?

Christ, no wonder so many people are reluctant to disclose abuse.

Christ, no wonder so many people are reluctant to disclose abuse.

Exactly. So much on this thread that shows how little victims feelings are considered.

So many people on this thread obviously have no idea what sexual trauma does to people

It's not down to op to disclose its the DSDs and she gets to decide who does and doesn't know and how much they know

I agree but it’s been complicated by the fact she’s asked her dad to disclose to certain family members and not others.

I’m surprised the DSD didn’t want to tell them herself as she now doesn’t know what has been said, which gives her even less control of the narrative than she had before.

@SpidersAreShitheads

The more you post OP, the more your DSD sounds incredibly disturbed and manipulative - which is exactly what her therapist said before.

Of course that doesn't mean the abuse didn't happen but I think this is a very complex situation and there could be a lot going on here.

Her aggression and emotionally blackmailing your DH is really concerning. I really think you/her need some urgent professional help.

I agree. I think it's a very bad idea to give in to the emotional blackmail. She needs professional help.

@Looubylou

I doubt she is lying- I would choose to believe she at least thinks she is remembering real events. She may be. Or she may be desperately looking for a reason for her problems and adding 2 and 2 and getting 6. Counselling and other therapies can lead to false memories. It's really tricky - she obviously needs support regardless of whether she has been abused. I wouldn't be rushing to the police - she needs time. This must be very stressful for you all. 💐

I agree with this. After seeing a counselor to gain confidence in parenting my mum began to believe she was abused. It absolutely tore our wider family apart but there is literally (and categorically) no way it could have happened. Despite this the trauma for her is as real as if it had happened. Right now the important thing isn’t finding out if it is really true - your job isn’t to investigate it but I would personally refuse to call family members on her behalf today. I would explain to her that disclosing abuse can be an emotionally draining act and it would be best she spoke to a counsellor trained in childhood abuse before making further disclosures to ensure it is done in a way that is healthy and safe for her. I agree it is odd that she is demanding certain people be told tonight and taking a night or so to sleep on it might be helpful.

I’m surprised the DSD didn’t want to tell them herself as she now doesn’t know what has been said, which gives her even less control of the narrative than she had before.

I'm not surprised at all. She's afraid of being disbelieved due to her lack of clarity so to save herself their initial shocked reaction, which may further traumatise her, shes asked someone she trusts to disclose on her behalf.

What do you do? You do nothing other than be there/hold space/support.
It doesn't matter whether you believe what she has disclosed. You just be there for her.
When I told my Mum in my 20s that one of her boyfriend's had abused me, she did not believe me. Sh said it couldn't have happened, as she would have never allowed it?!
Educate yourself around how best to support an adult victim of child abuse and maybe suggest that she contact a service geared towards people who have, or believe that they have, experienced sexual abuse.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

I’m surprised the DSD didn’t want to tell them herself as she now doesn’t know what has been said, which gives her even less control of the narrative than she had before.

I'm not surprised at all. She's afraid of being disbelieved due to her lack of clarity so to save herself their initial shocked reaction, which may further traumatise her, shes asked someone she trusts to disclose on her behalf.

That could be why she has asked her dad to contact family members and tell them rather than tell them herself. But of course we don’t know for sure, it could be another reason.

I have found the details of a local SARC centre that also helps with cases of historical abuse and sounds very supportive, it says dsd would only have to disclose what she wanted to and they could help her access specialised therapy. There is a phone number to call so will see what dsd thinks when she gets back.

Mil is on her way round to talk to DH (she is on her own so didn’t have anyone to talk to) and I have taken dd to my mums for the night.

@Ninhurt, you said that DSD had complained to you about her counsellor/therapist calling her manipulative, and disagreed with a self-diagnosis of autism... Do you know why? Because this;

"DH was crying when I got downstairs as she’s told him he has until she gets back to call Nan/aunts etc. or she will know he doesn’t believe her."

is very manipulative, I'm afraid. Why, if she's not close to her Dad's family, is she so desperately eager for him to tell them? What would be the point, right now, of him upsetting them via information which your gut instinct was to disbelieve, at this time of night, via a call? Surely it'd be best if your DSD told them, herself, face-to-face?

I'm not saying that she's mistaken/lying about potential CSA at all, before anyone jumps on me. And I completely agree that any claim of CSA ought to be believed unless it's categorically proven through an investigation conducted by the proper professionals, that it didn't happen. Further, like many others, I'm someone who held repressed memories of CSA for over 30 years - only recovering them when my abuser became seriously ill (he was a family member), and felt as though my whole world had flipped upside down (I wasn't believed, he died, it caused a chasm between my parents and me). Believe her, but be aware that the therapist might have touched on a truth with your DSD's personality type.

That could be why she has asked her dad to contact family members and tell them rather than tell them herself. But of course we don’t know for sure, it could be another reason.

It could be any number of reasons. All of which are not surprising. She's clearly struggling with this so it's not a big leap to think she'd prefer someone else deal with the initial trauma of telling people. If I could have had someone I trusted tell others for me I would have because that first reaction is like a punch in the gut every single time.

Sorry, meant to add thank you everyone for your advice, it has really helped try to get our thinking straight.

I didn’t realise how easy it is to respond in the wrong way to this, definitely threw us off balance and feeling very guilty.

I've had a similar experience. At 21 I watched something on the TV which triggered a very hazy recollection of sexual abuse in my childhood. I can't remember who did it, I can only remember what happened very vaguely and where.
A relative was also involved as she was abused too and had already had the fucker locked up.
It made it almost impossible for me to have smear tests and I've only recently been able to have a successful one due to having many psychiatric appointments.

Don't feel guilty, it's clearly a very difficult thing for everyone involved. Only thing to do now is support DSD. I think you're right in discussing this with DSD more in depth and suggesting therapy.

All these people saying "repressed memories are a real thing"! That is not true. Repressed memories are highly controversial and largely discredited. There is clear evidence to show that it's actually extremely easy to create false memories.

I am not commenting on whether or not your DSD has experienced abuse, but I wouldn't believe in the basis of repressed memories definitely being a "real thing".

Apologies I hit send before I'd finished.
I told my mum. I wish I hadn't. She now feels guilty about it all the time though it wasn't her fault and brings it up when I've had my counselling and dealt with it which makes it really hard.

I'm a survivor ot csa

I know who it was but it's difficult to pinpoint exact dates due to multiple occasions and memories from a young age can be vague. I have better memories of what happened when I was older.

It's actually really common for abuse victims especially those where it happened when they were quite young, to struggle remembering who, when and where precisely

Doesn't mean they're lying. Very very uncommon to outright lie about such things. Occasionally victims may be mistaken about details inc who again especially if very young when it happened

Please believe her

Don't push her into reporting to police, not only because it is not her responsibility to do so to protect others but to be quite honest because in the majority of cases it does more harm than good! It's incredibly hard to get to a point of an abuser being charged let alone prosecuted and convicted many years after the abuse has occurred.

Far more important is to support her in dealing with it for her welfare now.

The previous counsellor sounds pretty crap - how were they found? Not all counsellors are good, well qualified etc as it's not a protected title so basically anyone can call themselves a counsellor. Any counsellor that calls a client "manipulative" sounds dodgy to me!

In addition it would be far better if it were a counsellor that specialised in abuse and in particular abuse that happened when the victim was very young.

It's an incredibly delicate and difficult thing to navigate.

Her dad needs to back off pressuring her to say more to speak to police etc is absolutely NOT what should be happening at all!

I suspect the reason she is asking for you not to discuss with her mother/mother's side of family may be as she has already disclosed to them and they didn't believe her and handled it terribly! My mum didn't and still doesn't believe me it's extremely hurtful and damaging not to be believed

As for your shock at her encountering 2 paedophiles - frankly they really are everywhere!

I had one main abuser as it was hard to "escape" him (my father) but I certainly have had many instances of abuse and harassment since around the age of 9 and from discussing with friends and family and online this isn't uncommon as a female experience

Even pleasant memories from around that age rarely lack clarity and focus. I can't remember the names of all my teachers from then but I can remember my favourites...and the ones I hated!