Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What the hell do we do?! (Potential trigger warning)

303 replies

Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 16:42

Dsd has just disclosed to me that she thinks she has been abused. BUT (and I few like a complete monster for saying this) it doesn’t really add up and I’m not sure what to do. I used to be so sure I’d instantly call the police but the details are extremely fuzzy.

For instance dsd said that she thinks a teacher from a hobby when she was younger ‘did something’. She doesn’t know what, and doesn’t remember anything happening. She also said she can’t remember the name of the teacher, then later on said that her older sister had googled him and that he had left the country. She then again said she didn’t know his name (then how did her sister google him?)

She has also named a teacher at her primary school that she said she also thinks ‘did something’. But again, she can’t remember anything that may have happened? Just that she ‘has a feeling’. And she said he hugged her once in the staff room?

Dsd is 19. DH is absolutely distraught and wanted to phone 111 for advice but dsd says she doesn’t want to because she can’t actually remember anything happening. She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?

I’m not an evil stepmom, we actually have a really good relationship, and I feel awful, but I can’t shake the intuition that this isn’t quite true. Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this.

DH says we have to leave it (but he and his side of the family are in a complete state). I think we should call the non emergency police number for some sort of advice as you never know. And if it (whatever ‘it’ is) is true then this teacher is now a deputy head at a primary school?

DH and dsd are both very against this idea. I feel extremely unsettled and am worried about dsd wondering what else may be wrong (as I don’t think she’d make something like this up flippantly).

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 29/08/2021 17:48

Fucking hell. Whatever happened to 'I believe you'?

If she does choose to report this, the police will do their best to tear her story to shreds, without her family, and countless randoms on the internet, getting in on the act.

beastlyslumber · 29/08/2021 17:49

DH was crying when I got downstairs as she’s told him he has until she gets back to call Nan/aunts etc. or she will know he doesn’t believe her.

I mean, that is incredibly manipulative behaviour.

Maybe DH could call the relatives and say DSD has something to tell them? I don't really think it's his place to do this. Probably better to not call them but let DSD know that he'll support her/accompany her to see them.

JustLyra · 29/08/2021 17:50

It sounds like she's absolutely desperate to know that your DH believes and supports her.

Please don't go to the police against her wishes. That happened to me by someone well meaning after I confided in them about being raped and it meant I was confronted with a situation I wasn't ready to deal with. As a result I've never felt able to go back to the police again.

Also, if there is such a blunt reluctance to tell her mother, or anyone on her mother's side of the family then do keep in mind that, sadly, people who are targetted by one predator can often be targets for other predators as well.

Warmduscher · 29/08/2021 17:51

Your poor family, and your poor MIL. I hope she has someone with her to process this - it’s devastating information for anyone to come to terms with hearing out of the blue.

Unsure33 · 29/08/2021 17:51

I do feel for you because what is she expecting you to say ? And what does she want to say to those relatives ?

I suppose you must keep it low key for now ?

X believes they possibly may have been abused as a child but we have no real details at the moment . X wanted you to know and we will be supporting her with counselling if that's what she wants . We are not going to the police as that is her decision.

what else can you say ?

Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 17:52

I think DH is very uncomfortable doing it but also he is a bit over a barrel. Dsd has told him that if he doesn’t she will think he doesn’t believe her. In her texts to me she says if we don’t call them then she will know he doesn’t love her as much as he does dd (shared dd) and that we have upset her so much with talk of reporting that she feels like harming herself again Sad

Feel like a monster, how could we have messed this up so badly! I was just so blind sided that my first instinct was to call the police for advice.

OP posts:
Crabbypaddy · 29/08/2021 17:53

First things first, don’t doubt her. Regardless of how sketchy YOU think the details are, we can’t go around disbelieving peoples accounts, do you realise how many people don’t come forward about abuse through fear of not being believed? Some of the comments on this are the reason why. If she doesn’t want you to go to the police then you don’t. She sounds like she needs a lot of time, support and input from services

JustLyra · 29/08/2021 17:53

It sounds like she's absolutely desperate to know that your DH believes and supports her.

Just adding to this - which would make me wonder if she's tried to tell someone before and they haven't believed her.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 29/08/2021 17:53

It sounds like she's absolutely desperate to know that your DH believes and supports her.

Thats what it sounds like to me too. She's also said she'll speak to other family face to face, she just wants her dad to prepare them that it's going to be a tough conversation and that they need to believe her and not quiz her for more details she doesn't yet have.

thedancingbear · 29/08/2021 17:56

@Crabbypaddy

First things first, don’t doubt her. Regardless of how sketchy YOU think the details are, we can’t go around disbelieving peoples accounts, do you realise how many people don’t come forward about abuse through fear of not being believed? Some of the comments on this are the reason why. If she doesn’t want you to go to the police then you don’t. She sounds like she needs a lot of time, support and input from services
Exactly this. If people immediately start challenging every part of abuse victims' accounts, instead of believing and supporting them, then nothing will ever get reported, and the abusers will win.

In fact, with that in mind, a lot of the posters on this thread have behaved pretty shamefully. They don't realise it but it is their conduct that means that these people so often get off scot-free.

Millymog · 29/08/2021 17:58

is there any chance that she has recently done something sexual with someone you don't know about and she regrets it - so this is her way of "confessing" to somehow get it out in the open without actually telling you and DH what has happened (incase you are angry). Just a thought.

Confusedandshaken · 29/08/2021 17:59

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

It is not yours to disclose to anyone. This is DSDs trauma and its up to her how she deals with it.
This. It is her life and she has to make her own choices. Deciding to do nothing is as valid a choice as deciding to go to the police. She is not responsible of another child gets abused - only the abuser is responsible for that. Don't take her power away from her.
Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 18:00

DH has explained to mil, who is completely devastated for dsd but who has also begged DH not to call aunts/uncle.

We never told dsd that we didn’t believe her or questioned her account, we just let her talk. We just confided in each other that our initial internal reaction was of disbelief.

I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do but I’m not answering dsd’s texts anymore, they are getting increasingly aggressive and I’m just hoping we can talk about why her dad hasn’t called aunts/uncle when she gets back in.

OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 29/08/2021 18:00

'If she was lying, I would have thought she would have come up with a better story than 'I think something happened but I can't really remember'.'

Really? I think that's precisely the kind of nebulous story into which it's hard to poke holes, that a liar would come up with.

I also think it's very strange that she actively wants you to tell aunts, uncles, grandparents.

Repressed memories may be a thing; false ones certainly are. Remember the 'Satanic Panic' in the US in the 80s?

Proceed as if she's telling the truth. Be prepared for the fact that she's lying.

Standrewsschool · 29/08/2021 18:00

What’s stopping the Nan , relatives etc telling her mum? Does she want her mum to,d indirectly, and feels unable to talk to her mum herself?

Could something has happened more recently, but she feels cautious about telling you, so she’s pretending it’s a past event?

Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 18:02

@Millymog she does have a new boyfriend but has always been open and chatty about that sort of stuff in the past. I have always had ‘supplies’ available in the bathroom cupboards and let her know where they are when she started seeing him.

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 29/08/2021 18:03

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

'If she was lying, I would have thought she would have come up with a better story than 'I think something happened but I can't really remember'.'

Really? I think that's precisely the kind of nebulous story into which it's hard to poke holes, that a liar would come up with.

I also think it's very strange that she actively wants you to tell aunts, uncles, grandparents.

Repressed memories may be a thing; false ones certainly are. Remember the 'Satanic Panic' in the US in the 80s?

Proceed as if she's telling the truth. Be prepared for the fact that she's lying.

OP, ignore shite like this.

Your DSD needs you and her family to believe her at this time.

Warmduscher · 29/08/2021 18:03

@Ninhurt

DH has explained to mil, who is completely devastated for dsd but who has also begged DH not to call aunts/uncle.

We never told dsd that we didn’t believe her or questioned her account, we just let her talk. We just confided in each other that our initial internal reaction was of disbelief.

I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do but I’m not answering dsd’s texts anymore, they are getting increasingly aggressive and I’m just hoping we can talk about why her dad hasn’t called aunts/uncle when she gets back in.

I do hope she understands that it must have been a very emotionally draining phone call for her dad to have had to make, especially under the threat of her starting to self-harm again if he didn’t do it.
howdoireport · 29/08/2021 18:03

I doubt she’s lying - I had similar experience earlier this week, I ‘knew’ I’d been sexually assaulted but couldn’t remember exactly how, in huge detail or what happened beyond two or three sentences . I just knew that a certain situation frightens the hell out of me .

My GP inadvertently put me in that situation that would upset me (trigger me), but made me feel very very safe - which meant that I confided in her that ‘something’ had happened to me . and in the days since more and more has come back to me .

Therapist said it’s your brains way of protecting you . That I’d shut it down because my brain couldn’t process it .

WhaleyAwesome · 29/08/2021 18:03

I would strongly advise you don't call everyone - she is probably stressed and not functioning at the moment.

I agree with Cloud's post on the fact trauma can do very weird things to your memory, particularly when you are young. Therapy would be the best idea right now.

CantBeAssed · 29/08/2021 18:04

I'm really puzzled as to why dsd is insisting certain family members are told....I could understand more if she had spoke to yourself and DH first then didn't want to speak of it for a spell,as this the first time you talk about it can be so draining and takes all concerned time to process..I'm in noway saying dsd is lying as there is obviously something going on..

beastlyslumber · 29/08/2021 18:05

This is a good doc on the safeguarding element of this, OP. A good starting point, anyway.

hipsprocedures.org.uk/assets/clients/7/Adults%20who%20Disclose%20Childhood%20Sexual%20Abuse.pdf

Millymog · 29/08/2021 18:05

Ah noted. Either way it is such a tricky one - hope there is some kind of resolution soon for all of your sakes.

Kerplunkk · 29/08/2021 18:07

Could it possibly be someone from mums side of family? And she knows she won’t be believed so is trying to get dads side on board?
I can’t imagine how devastating it would be for her mum to find out from someone on dads side by accident.
I know it’s her trauma to disclose but unless she’s already told her mum ans she’s disbelieved how does she know that mum won’t support her

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 29/08/2021 18:08

This is a good doc on the safeguarding element of this, OP. A good starting point, anyway. hipsprocedures.org.uk/assets/clients/7/Adults%20who%20Disclose%20Childhood%20Sexual%20Abuse.pdf

This is for adults who disclose to professionals, not to family. The only safeguarding this family need to consider is that of DSD and ensure she's mentally ok. Stop trying to push the op into disclosing based on your feelings. It's not down to op to disclose its the DSDs and she gets to decide who does and doesn't know and how much they know

Swipe left for the next trending thread