What the hell do we do?! (Potential trigger warning)

[Ninhurt]

Dsd has just disclosed to me that she thinks she has been abused. BUT (and I few like a complete monster for saying this) it doesn’t really add up and I’m not sure what to do. I used to be so sure I’d instantly call the police but the details are extremely fuzzy.

For instance dsd said that she thinks a teacher from a hobby when she was younger ‘did something’. She doesn’t know what, and doesn’t remember anything happening. She also said she can’t remember the name of the teacher, then later on said that her older sister had googled him and that he had left the country. She then again said she didn’t know his name (then how did her sister google him?)

She has also named a teacher at her primary school that she said she also thinks ‘did something’. But again, she can’t remember anything that may have happened? Just that she ‘has a feeling’. And she said he hugged her once in the staff room?

Dsd is 19. DH is absolutely distraught and wanted to phone 111 for advice but dsd says she doesn’t want to because she can’t actually remember anything happening. She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?

I’m not an evil stepmom, we actually have a really good relationship, and I feel awful, but I can’t shake the intuition that this isn’t quite true. Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this.

DH says we have to leave it (but he and his side of the family are in a complete state). I think we should call the non emergency police number for some sort of advice as you never know. And if it (whatever ‘it’ is) is true then this teacher is now a deputy head at a primary school?

DH and dsd are both very against this idea. I feel extremely unsettled and am worried about dsd wondering what else may be wrong (as I don’t think she’d make something like this up flippantly).

I doubt she is lying- I would choose to believe she at least thinks she is remembering real events. She may be. Or she may be desperately looking for a reason for her problems and adding 2 and 2 and getting 6. Counselling and other therapies can lead to false memories. It's really tricky - she obviously needs support regardless of whether she has been abused. I wouldn't be rushing to the police - she needs time. This must be very stressful for you all. 💐

From what I can gather this teacher has only just been made deputy head (I did some Googling - he is a middle aged man with a wife/son) so I’m assuming was a class teacher back when dsd was 8?

We couldn’t look up the other one as dsd told us her sister googled him and he had left the country, she then said she couldn’t remember his name and obviously we didn’t want to interrogate her so didn’t ask about the strange discrepancy.

I had repressed memories about a person from my past when I was diagnosed with PTSD for something else, I couldn't tell you anything other than he made my skin crawl.... It all came out in EMDR. Do not underestimate the power of your emotional or physical body responses even when you have no memory of something.

I am sorry I would also at this point ignore people who are saying to should disregard her feelings and report for the sake of other children. One of the issues with sexual assault is someone has taken away your right to decide what to do with your body. If you report against her wishes than she is having her choice taken away again from her. Get to the bottom of things - if she sees a therapist and the therapist thinks other children are at risk than the therapist will get involved at that level by reporting to the right authorities. The therapist will tell her on the outset of the therapy that the therapist has a duty to report if they think someone is at risk. She needs you on her side - if any reporting needs to be done let an experienced therapist do it.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

It is not yours to disclose to anyone. This is DSDs trauma and its up to her how she deals with it.

This ^

Don't tell anyone she doesnt want you to. Including the police. She's an adult, she can report if and when she is ready.
Your DSD has zero obligation to report for the sake of others, she only has to look after herself.

There are planty of other places/resorces out there for you to look into how to support her without contacting the police.

I’m not sure it can be a false memory as wouldn’t that need to be an actual memory? She has said she can’t remember anything happening to her, but she has a feeling that something did and she thinks it may have been these two people (but again, she said she wasn’t sure). There aren’t any details at all.

I would have thought false memories would have some detail to them?

@Ninhurt - She does have a memory at the moment. The memory that something happened, the rough age she was and that she remembers it being someone who taught her ( maybe more than one person at different times)

That’s quite a lot to start with. Only if she wants to, if she has fragments that come and go then she could try writing things down if she does remember. Again, only if she wants to and only for her to look at it, if she likes.

Because if not, memories or odd feelings and panics might come clearly at times but then just slip away from her again which can be more frustrating if she then tries to talk it through with someone else.

for your DSD

napac.org.uk/

Seriously, if someone had reported to the police the first time I disclosed my abuse I would have clammed up and never have talked about it again

OP, I can see your dilemma.

If you follow people’s advice and you and your DH treat her like the adult she is, let her take control of the situation and decide for herself how to proceed (with your support of course), how does that fit with her telling you you have to be the ones to share the information with some members of her family but not others? Surely it needs to be her who tells them? As you say, what on earth would you say to them?

If she can’t face telling them herself, I would suggest she writes it down. Then when she goes to see them after they’ve read her letter, she can explain more then. This really doesn’t sound like something you or your DH should take on. This is her trauma and she needs to do it.

@ittakes2 I didn’t realise that the therapist could do that! Will get that sorted as soon as possible if dsd is willing then.

She has gone out to be with her bf. We won’t put her under any pressure. DH was crying when I got downstairs as she’s told him he has until she gets back to call Nan/aunts etc. or she will know he doesn’t believe her.

Just going to fix him a stiff drink and figure out what on Earth we are going to say!

@Ninhurt

I’m not sure it can be a false memory as wouldn’t that need to be an actual memory? She has said she can’t remember anything happening to her, but she has a feeling that something did and she thinks it may have been these two people (but again, she said she wasn’t sure). There aren’t any details at all.

I would have thought false memories would have some detail to them?

This was how I felt.... I had no recollection (I do now though...) it was just a feeling.... Its not uncommon for a traumatic incident to be instantly buried by the brain, its basic fight or flight reaction.

And I agree btw, not a false memory at all.

I think the false memories thing was from clients being pushed to remember things in therapy sessions.

It sounds like your DSD has started to remember something quite spontaneously.

Sometimes these feelings emerge before the facts become clear in your own head.

I went through similar. I spent a couple of years with a vague feeling that something had happened and a creepy feeling about an old family friend that I'd never been able to shake, then the memories just flooded back one day.

All you need to do is support her and try and encourage her to find a good therapist.

to you and your DSD. I might be barking totally up the wrong tree, but the fact that she really wants one side of the family to know but not her mum is a bit weird. It makes me wonder if it actually happened with different people than the ones she’s mentioned so far, I.e. someone close on her mum’s side. I know when I first started to talk about my experience I named someone very far from the actual person involved. I couldn’t immediately say the real person. I had no grasp of the implications for this person if it had actually been reported.

If the DSD was “lying”, don’t you think she’d come up with more of a story? And the chances of lying are so so low, most women have better things to do with their time then look back to their childhoods and falsely accuse random adults of abuse.

I've no idea if she's lying or not. It does sound like there's some issues there, but then again, if she'd been abused that would likely cause issues too. She's an adult, but a young adult, and sometimes young people do things to garner attention because they need attention for some reason. There are some discrepancies but that doesn't mean she's lying. But if she's telling the truth, there's a serious safeguarding issue to be dealt with, because now OP knows.

from what I’ve observed, female survivors of childhood sexual abuse are often described as “manipulating”

My understanding of OP was that the counsellor said she was 'manipulative' (not 'manipulating') before the accusation of abuse was made. It sounded to me like the DSD had left counselling before this happened. Again, doesn't make what she said a lie, but it didn't sound to me like she made the accusation and was accused of manipulating.

If they are emerging memories that DSD is experiencing, they are likely to become more intense and detailed, and she will need lots of psychological support. I would think about getting counselling support/therapy as a matter of urgency.

[quote Ninhurt]@ittakes2 I didn’t realise that the therapist could do that! Will get that sorted as soon as possible if dsd is willing then.

She has gone out to be with her bf. We won’t put her under any pressure. DH was crying when I got downstairs as she’s told him he has until she gets back to call Nan/aunts etc. or she will know he doesn’t believe her.

Just going to fix him a stiff drink and figure out what on Earth we are going to say![/quote]
That’s a lot of pressure to put your DH under.

As she's said she'll speak to extended family more when she sees them it could be that she's emotionally worn out right now and wants them to be forewarned for when she does see them and speak about it.

[quote Ninhurt]@ittakes2 I didn’t realise that the therapist could do that! Will get that sorted as soon as possible if dsd is willing then.

She has gone out to be with her bf. We won’t put her under any pressure. DH was crying when I got downstairs as she’s told him he has until she gets back to call Nan/aunts etc. or she will know he doesn’t believe her.

Just going to fix him a stiff drink and figure out what on Earth we are going to say![/quote]
Just wondering why she's so insistent that your DH tells certain relatives - and is pressurising him to reveal everything to him right away?

Of course this could absolutely be true, and unfortunately I speak as another woman who suffered sexual abuse as a child. But equally, it may not be true. I'm sure she believes it herself, but there is at least the possibility that it didn't happen.

The history of emotional disturbance could be as a result of the abuse. But it could also be contributing to her claims of abuse now - maybe subconsciously she's searching for a "reason" and it's easier to point to something external like abuse because then it's not her "fault". Also interesting that the therapist described her as manipulative.

You obviously need to tread extremely carefully here because it could absolutely be true. But I think there are some red flags here which suggest that possibly your gut instinct is correct.

I agree with pp that the DSD needs to tell family members herself if she wants them to know.

@EmergencyHydrangea

Seriously, if someone had reported to the police the first time I disclosed my abuse I would have clammed up and never have talked about it again

Me too. I felt ashamed, and that I was responsible in some way.

I'm really unsure about telling a big chunk of the family this, particularly when her own mother doesn't know.
She is an adult but she is clearly not in a great mental state for making decisions that can't be undone.
I'd be very much inclined to say you will support her, and support her in telling them if that's what she wants, but not tonight.
She should speak to a professional first and start to unravel her own feelings first.
And, if it does turn out that something else is going on with her state of mind, or her recollections become clearer but different to the original story, it increases the risk she's not seen to be telling the whole truth.
And that will put her in a difficult position.
I can't quite fathom the benefit telling more people now will achieve if she isn't ready to contact the police. It will just bring more pressure and questions she can't yet answer

DH is on the phone to his mum now.

He didn’t want to call them but confided in me that he also initially felt that dsd wasn’t being truthful so feels incredibly guilty now. I showed him the thread before he called.

Dsd is texting me to make sure her Dad is calling them.

We are going to see if she would be willing to see a therapist when she gets back for support through this.

[quote Ninhurt]@ittakes2 I didn’t realise that the therapist could do that! Will get that sorted as soon as possible if dsd is willing then.

She has gone out to be with her bf. We won’t put her under any pressure. DH was crying when I got downstairs as she’s told him he has until she gets back to call Nan/aunts etc. or she will know he doesn’t believe her.

Just going to fix him a stiff drink and figure out what on Earth we are going to say![/quote]
That's emotional blackmailing of your DH. I'm sorry to say it but your DSD does sound manipulative in this instance.

That doesn't mean the stuff in the past didn't happen.

EmergencyHydrangea
Seriously, if someone had reported to the police the first time I disclosed my abuse I would have clammed up and never have talked about it again

Me too. I felt ashamed, and that I was responsible in some way.

Me too. I felt dirty, disgusting, like I'd asked for it somehow. If someone had gone behind my back and nit taken my feelings into consideration I'd never trust them again.