What the hell do we do?! (Potential trigger warning)

[Ninhurt]

Dsd has just disclosed to me that she thinks she has been abused. BUT (and I few like a complete monster for saying this) it doesn’t really add up and I’m not sure what to do. I used to be so sure I’d instantly call the police but the details are extremely fuzzy.

For instance dsd said that she thinks a teacher from a hobby when she was younger ‘did something’. She doesn’t know what, and doesn’t remember anything happening. She also said she can’t remember the name of the teacher, then later on said that her older sister had googled him and that he had left the country. She then again said she didn’t know his name (then how did her sister google him?)

She has also named a teacher at her primary school that she said she also thinks ‘did something’. But again, she can’t remember anything that may have happened? Just that she ‘has a feeling’. And she said he hugged her once in the staff room?

Dsd is 19. DH is absolutely distraught and wanted to phone 111 for advice but dsd says she doesn’t want to because she can’t actually remember anything happening. She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?

I’m not an evil stepmom, we actually have a really good relationship, and I feel awful, but I can’t shake the intuition that this isn’t quite true. Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this.

DH says we have to leave it (but he and his side of the family are in a complete state). I think we should call the non emergency police number for some sort of advice as you never know. And if it (whatever ‘it’ is) is true then this teacher is now a deputy head at a primary school?

DH and dsd are both very against this idea. I feel extremely unsettled and am worried about dsd wondering what else may be wrong (as I don’t think she’d make something like this up flippantly).

I feel so bad for all of you in this situation. I can totally understand why she doesn't want to report if her memories are fuzzy. Repressed memories are a very real thing. Is she not very close with her mum, or worried that her reaction might be too much for her to handle? It seems strange she's okay with extended family but not her mum knowing. She does need to do all this at her own pace though, keep the conversation open, but don't push her into reporting if she's not sure about it. I'm sorry about it all OP, how awful for you x

Feel terrible that my first reaction was to internally disbelieve dsd . I always thought I’d react the ‘right’ way to anything like this.

I think it was her specifically requesting that we tell members of the family that she isn’t really very close to but not her mum (who as far as I know would be very supportive) that threw me but I feel guilty all the same.

My recollection of CSA was triggered by a young woman in a BBc documentary talking about something very specific that had happened to her and I knew the same thing had happened to me, more than 10 years earlier. It was like a glimpse of a memory, and it really shocked me.

Over the next few weeks, the memories came back, in fits and starts, and became clearer and clearer. I remembered a lot of details and knew it for certain that this was a genuine memory (although I never mentioned it to anyone for almost another 10 years).

I wonder if your DSD is in a similar place, and needs time to process what she has recalled. I'd go very gently with her, in case this is what's going on.

"It occurred to me perhaps something has happened somewhere along the line but maybe not in the context she said.. I don’t know why I thought that but it occurred to me perhaps she was reaching out needing support but didn’t want to say from what/whom and so has a hazy story that can’t be pinned down too much" Quoted from sjxoxo.
This scenario makes so much sense to me, sort of saying it has happened and I need help with it but unable to share who it really was

There's no real evidence to suggest that repressed memories are a real thing. It's very controversial, though.

I think you have a responsibility to report this, no matter what DSD says. If it's true, other children are at risk. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself, knowing this and not doing anything.

If DSD is lying, then maybe she'll come clean before it gets reported. The fact that her counsellor said she was 'manipulative' is interesting. But really, you have to go ahead as if it is true, and make sure it is reported.

I would not call police because as you say, the story doesn't quite add up and as she remembers no details there is nothing the police can do. .

But I absolutely WOULD inform her Mum regardless of DSD's wishes.

Her mum needs to know that her daughter is saying such things about any men in their lives.

Whether they are true or false memories/ideas, DSD needs to be protected from their potential consequences to herself and her mental health.

I think you have a responsibility to report this, no matter what DSD says. If it's true, other children are at risk. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself, knowing this and not doing anything.

This was my initial thought (I’d certainly want someone to if it was a teacher at my dc’s school!) but not sure now as there seems to be different perspectives on it.

Dsd was very clear that she would never talk to either of us again if we told her mum ‘behind her back’.

It is not yours to disclose to anyone. This is DSDs trauma and its up to her how she deals with it.

Victim's memories can often be blurry and confused because it's traumatic - that's not a sign that there's something off about her recollections. As others have said, don't push it or ask for 'the truth', and maybe start with counselling to find out if there is something that could be pursued.

To be honest, yes it can be repressed memories etc… . But the bottom line is that she is 19yo. She is an adult.

What you and her dad can do is support her in the choices SHE is making. You can’t sort the problem out/call the police etc…

I would put the responsibility back onto her. She tells who she wants to tell. It’s not you or her dad who goes informing people. Not the least because she might not want to tell them everything. Or you might end up telling the wrong people etc…..
She definitively needs more counselling, regardless of what has happened.
And if she thinks she has autism, then I would support her to be diagnosed.

For the rest, I’d ask her what sort if help she would like? Does she want to talk about it or avoid the subject? Does she think would make a difference in how she feels, in her anxiety?

I’d make it clear that Unfortunately one thing you can’t do is to take it all away. And I think it’s essential for you and her dad to realise that too

But from what everyone is saying repressed memories are likely? Would that result in not being able to remember the what/when/who of what happened but having a feeling that something did?

I could remember the what/when/who of one incident, but only vaguely. That recollection became much clearer over a few weeks, and other incidents came back to me too, with an astonishing degree of clarity.

This was in the 1970s, when CSA wasn't talked about the way it is now. I've only ever disclosed the details to one other person, and that was only a few years ago. I so wish that the sort of support that is available now had been available then.

But I'm also 100% positive that the events happened.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

It is not yours to disclose to anyone. This is DSDs trauma and its up to her how she deals with it.

I agree!

Which is why I’m also uncomfortable with the idea that it’s ok to speak to her nan and aunties.

I don’t think you and your DH should mention it to anyone. This is up to her and I’d make that clear.

I knew that memories could be blurry but I thought that there would be a sort of memory to begin with iyswim? There is no memory at the minute, she just has a feeling that something may have happened but she isn’t sure.

But as others have said, she may get a memory come back at some point? It’s been a year she said since she first had a feeling that something bad might have happened in her childhood.

In your shoes I would
a. tell her that I believe her
b. ask her if she would like help to find another Counsellor
c. tell her that it is ok to go to the Police IF & when she wants to
(the responsibility for abuse is always the abusers, not any victim's to keep another potential victim safe)

It is quite possible that the trauma has made her memories submerge and be 'muddy'. She could well have come across 2 perpetrators concurrently (or 1 after another as children are more vulnerable to future abuse if they have been abused before). It is also possible that there is nothing 'more' to this - she needs professional help to work it all through, without having the worry of 'upsetting family' / family pushing her to do / not to do 'something about it'.
(not saying you are, but she might worry about this).

Good luck with it. Not easy. She is lucky to have you thinking so deeply about how to support her.

@Ninhurt

Feel terrible that my first reaction was to internally disbelieve dsd . I always thought I’d react the ‘right’ way to anything like this.

I think it was her specifically requesting that we tell members of the family that she isn’t really very close to but not her mum (who as far as I know would be very supportive) that threw me but I feel guilty all the same.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think maybe her mum is the hardest for her to tell. To her, she might feel like she would be hurting her with the information. Perhaps she is not prepared to have to hold her mum when she tells her. She must be in so much pain, as are you and your partner now. I'm sorry OP x

Just because it was the deputy head it doesn’t mean it was innocent - please trust me on this.

Dsd is adamant that her Dad has to call her Nan, aunts and uncle tonight to tell them (not sure exactly what he is going to tell them...). She said she can’t do it and wants her Dad to. But has also said that she wants to go round to talk to them all about it tomorrow.

It's a safeguarding issue. I would explain to DSD that you have a responsibility towards the children in this person's care. It doesn't mean she needs to make a police report if she doesn't want to.

Maybe let her know that's your position and leave it with her for a couple of days. She might decide to report herself. I think a counsellor would be a good idea, too. But really if it is true, it needs to be reported.

I don't think it matters if you believe it or not. You have to act as though it's true and proceed accordingly. Sorry, OP, sounds tough. Maybe let her know your position and leave it with her for a couple of days. The drama and attention is feeding the situation at the moment, so I would keep it really calm and level-headed.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

It is not yours to disclose to anyone. This is DSDs trauma and its up to her how she deals with it.

Absolutely this.

Gentle, non-judgmental support is what she needs now. She needs to go at her own pace and to feel supported in that, don't pressurise her to make formal allegations.

She needs to feel in control of what happens next.

@beastlyslumber

It's a safeguarding issue. I would explain to DSD that you have a responsibility towards the children in this person's care. It doesn't mean she needs to make a police report if she doesn't want to.

Maybe let her know that's your position and leave it with her for a couple of days. She might decide to report herself. I think a counsellor would be a good idea, too. But really if it is true, it needs to be reported.

I don't think it matters if you believe it or not. You have to act as though it's true and proceed accordingly. Sorry, OP, sounds tough. Maybe let her know your position and leave it with her for a couple of days. The drama and attention is feeding the situation at the moment, so I would keep it really calm and level-headed.

If someone had done that to me when I first recovered the memory of my abuse, it would have broken me.

Absolutely broken me.

Actually I would find her the right therapist to talk it through in a safe environment. I was abused as a child by a stranger and I think the therapist would guide her to her options and support her with her decisions. If you report a crime than the police will have to investigate. I am not saying not to report it, but she will be asked a lot of questions so its better she clarifies things with the therapist.
You may find this is a cry for help and she is alluding to something to try and draw your attention to something - but she is hazy for a reason. Unfortunately, a big part of child sexual assault can be the child feels they were some way at fault or created the situation. Of course they did not - but it can cause some confusion and guilt if they think they did.

@beastlyslumber - from what I’ve observed, female survivors of childhood sexual abuse are often described as “manipulating” 😔 It doesn’t mean that what they are saying isn’t true and there can be a link between their experiences and their adult behaviours and mental health problems - I hate the word manipulative being used to describe people who are struggling mentally and the word is used so much more about women than men.

If the DSD was “lying”, don’t you think she’d come up with more of a story? And the chances of lying are so so low, most women have better things to do with their time then look back to their childhoods and falsely accuse random adults of abuse.

OP - this might be helpful

www.intothelight.org.uk/help-for-flashbacks/

Now that the beginning of a story has come out, she might find there are more and more triggers that bring flashbacks up.

I had a counsellor who told me “Your unconscious mind will never give you any more than you can cope with at anyone time”. I don’t know how true that is but it was a real comfort to me when I kept waking up into flashbacks and was so scared to sleep because I didn’t know what might come next.

She also had a theory that memories are more likely to present themselves to you when you are in a ‘good’ place in life and are more likely to be able to cope with remembering what happened.

She also said don’t push it to try and remember anything and don’t dwell on it, just thank your mind for giving it to you and remind yourself that you are safe now.

I would explain to DSD that you have a responsibility towards the children in this person's care. It doesn't mean she needs to make a police report if she doesn't want to.

The only person with any responsibility over what may or may not happen to other children is the perpetrator/s.
Victims and their families only have a responsibility to the victim and to ensure the victim gets support.

While I am not saying not to believe her it is worth being aware that false memories are also a genuine phenomenon.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p08ndywt