What the hell do we do?! (Potential trigger warning)

[Ninhurt]

Dsd has just disclosed to me that she thinks she has been abused. BUT (and I few like a complete monster for saying this) it doesn’t really add up and I’m not sure what to do. I used to be so sure I’d instantly call the police but the details are extremely fuzzy.

For instance dsd said that she thinks a teacher from a hobby when she was younger ‘did something’. She doesn’t know what, and doesn’t remember anything happening. She also said she can’t remember the name of the teacher, then later on said that her older sister had googled him and that he had left the country. She then again said she didn’t know his name (then how did her sister google him?)

She has also named a teacher at her primary school that she said she also thinks ‘did something’. But again, she can’t remember anything that may have happened? Just that she ‘has a feeling’. And she said he hugged her once in the staff room?

Dsd is 19. DH is absolutely distraught and wanted to phone 111 for advice but dsd says she doesn’t want to because she can’t actually remember anything happening. She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?

I’m not an evil stepmom, we actually have a really good relationship, and I feel awful, but I can’t shake the intuition that this isn’t quite true. Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this.

DH says we have to leave it (but he and his side of the family are in a complete state). I think we should call the non emergency police number for some sort of advice as you never know. And if it (whatever ‘it’ is) is true then this teacher is now a deputy head at a primary school?

DH and dsd are both very against this idea. I feel extremely unsettled and am worried about dsd wondering what else may be wrong (as I don’t think she’d make something like this up flippantly).

@Peoniesandpeaches

I agree , I know someone who actually lied about abuse and got the accused person into a huge amount of trouble .

Now I know this is very rare but it does show why it should be left to the professionals to sort this out .

take from the point of belief but also don't try and be judge and jury .

I know of someone who has just been sent to prison for an historic case of child sexual abuse which was only reported recently. It was because a teenager eventually confided in her family about something that had happened when she was much younger. It turned out that her abuser had been accused of it some years before, but got away with it. This time he didn't.

Please reassure her that you will always listen to what she says, and she can take all the time she needs (including counselling) before she decides what to do. She won't remember everything, certainly not all at once. This needs really careful handling, and she needs to know that you believe her.

can I ask from those sadly with experience is it common to want several members of family to be told at once even though she can not remember details ?

@Ninhurt

I have found the details of a local SARC centre that also helps with cases of historical abuse and sounds very supportive, it says dsd would only have to disclose what she wanted to and they could help her access specialised therapy. There is a phone number to call so will see what dsd thinks when she gets back.

Mil is on her way round to talk to DH (she is on her own so didn’t have anyone to talk to) and I have taken dd to my mums for the night.

That's great. Don't feel guilty; you've done nothing wrong.

can I ask from those sadly with experience is it common to want several members of family to be told at once even though she can not remember details ?

It would have made it easier for me once I knew for others to be told without me having to go over and over what I knew and their reactions were difficult for me to deal with. I dont know if its common, but its certainly not surprising

Oh god, just upstairs sorting clothes and can now hear banging and shouting from downstairs. Dsd must have just gotten back and doesn’t sound happy at all. Know I have to go down but so tempted to hide here.

Know it’s not fair on dsd as she is the one suffering but just feel completely drained and just wanted a calm chat with her.

Mil is still here too, what a shit show.

Deep breath, you've got this

I know your MIL is upset, but your DH really needs to put his DD’s wishes first over this.

Hello OP
I'm very sorry to hear of the situation you all find yourself in. I just thought I'd add my personal experience to the mix of replies you've had - as I say, this is merely my experience, not suggesting at all that what your daughter is saying isn't true.

I have suffered from OCD for many years - since my late teens in fact. Throughout the years I have developed many debilitating worries, with a particular focus on thinking awful things had happened in the past (usually something would trigger this to make me question past events). Such was my fear that I actually managed to create memories which weren't actually true. What they all had in common was vagueness - they were vague, non specific and could be picked apart quite easily by others. However, such was my fear, I believed them to be true at the time - until I moved onto the next one!

I have had many years of CBT therapy and remember one, very highly regarded clinical psychologist telling me that 'blocking' memories doesn't tend to happen in real life.

Anyway, just thought I'd add a different perspective. Hope things become clearer very soon. x

She said she was wondering why she was the way she was (mh problems from the age of 13) and started to link that with uti infections she used to get as a child and it all ‘clicked’.

As I expect you know, repeated utis in a little girl can be indicative of sexual abuse.

What does that actually mean?

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

Deep breath, you've got this

Meant to include this post.

I had trauma counselling for PTSD after leaving my husband.

Feelings came out from my childhood and I am certain I was abused in someway at some point in my childhood. The only memory I have is of a white wall and me facing it and someone getting into bed with me, thats it, i couldn't tell you who it was or exactly what happened.

What does that actually mean?

It means op has the strength to support her DSD. What else would it mean?

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

What does that actually mean?

It means op has the strength to support her DSD. What else would it mean?

I don’t know. I hear it said a lot but have never understood what it meant.

@MyNameIsElizaDay

"It occurred to me perhaps something has happened somewhere along the line but maybe not in the context she said.. I don’t know why I thought that but it occurred to me perhaps she was reaching out needing support but didn’t want to say from what/whom and so has a hazy story that can’t be pinned down too much" Quoted from sjxoxo. This scenario makes so much sense to me, sort of saying it has happened and I need help with it but unable to share who it really was

I was thinking this. Maybe she wants to let people know she was abused but is not ready to reveal to others, or perhaps herself even, who the real perpetrator was.

I think she probably wants her dad's side of the family to know in order to 'prove' that you and her DF believe her. In her mind, someone who is uncovering repressed trauma, someone who is very fragile - she will cling onto any bit of 'proof' that helps her know that people believe what she is saying. It may also be that more people knowing makes it more real for her.

I wonder if not wanting her DM to know is more about the roles her DM and DF took in childhood. Would her DM be the main point of contact for school and for the activity? She may feel riddled with guilt and worry that her mum will blame herself for 'putting' her DD in those situations - even though she didn't know what was happening at the time.

I know this probably makes no sense, but trauma changes the brain, and all sorts of responses can come from it. Both of these are totally explainable.

My husband only 'found out'/remembered the child sexual abuse that happened to him when he was 23.

Had had years of MH issues which could have been connected but not a single memory whatsoever of what happened to him, and still very fractured and unclear memories. But what he says has been verified by a family member he apparently told at the time (why they didn't take it further is a whole other infuriating, devastating story) and another person present - he'd been carrying that round for 17 years having completely forgotten or repressed or whatever.

Please support and believe your DSD.

There are lots of reasons why she may not want you to tell her mum - scared she'll be upset, scared her mum will blame herself, scared her mum won't believe her (even if you think their relationship is good).

@imjustsoworried

I think she probably wants her dad's side of the family to know in order to 'prove' that you and her DF believe her. In her mind, someone who is uncovering repressed trauma, someone who is very fragile - she will cling onto any bit of 'proof' that helps her know that people believe what she is saying. It may also be that more people knowing makes it more real for her.

I wonder if not wanting her DM to know is more about the roles her DM and DF took in childhood. Would her DM be the main point of contact for school and for the activity? She may feel riddled with guilt and worry that her mum will blame herself for 'putting' her DD in those situations - even though she didn't know what was happening at the time.

I know this probably makes no sense, but trauma changes the brain, and all sorts of responses can come from it. Both of these are totally explainable.

This was my reading of things too, having seen how DH needed 'proof' of things (my support, his therapist's) when he first remembered, and how he simultaneously needed people to know because it had been weighing so heavily on him but also was terrified of telling his mum.

Has your DSD spoken to MIL?

As part of my MSc I did a Psychology course - not the subject of the course but the lecturer was a world expert on the reliability of witness statements. He was often an expert witness in court. It was very easy to distract him from the more tedious course content with questions about this. It was fascinating and worrying to hear his research and the examples he could cite where a seemingly credible witness statement simply couldn't be true.

The reality is that people can believe totally in the truthfulness of what they are saying - but they can be wrong. We can convince ourselves that something is true when the reality is a more complex layering of our experiences of real people and situations.

The DSD probably totally believes her new 'memories', they might be accurate - but they might not be. The issue is not deliberate lying its the accuracy of our fallible human memory.

one of my own dds "remembers" being left alone in the house to look after her younger sister when she was in primary school while her dad and I went out to the pub (!). Never happened. She might have been left for a couple of minutes while I went out to pick tomatoes or water the plants. They were left with a baby sitter occasionally if we went out - she might be conflating all sorts of real experiences into one traumatic memory. It's a real memory for her though - not shared by her sister.

This is such a difficult position for OP and her husband. If I were you I would take the line that given her age you are there to believe her and support her, but it's not appropriate for you to be telling anyone anything. Given her age, your role as parents is now to be in a supportive role. If she wants relatives to know, it's for her to tell them when she's good and ready. Same with the police.

I think as a priority in this very momemt, it dpunds like she needs help to calm down amd de-esculate. She sounds very stressed. I'd be seeking distraction techniques to move her thoughts away from this for a while. There's no rush. Come back to it in a few days.

I'm not sure it's all it seems tbh OP. What are the odds that 2 separate teachers were both paedophiles and both abused her but she can't remember anything about either incident?

Please note that I am not suggesting she is making it up. Just that if she can't remember, she may be putting together 2 and 2 and coming up with 5. Possibly a case of the first being inappropriate with her and the second maybe doing something that reminded her of the first incident and triggered her. I don't know, I'm just speculating.

I have some personal experience in this matter as I was sexually abused at age 9 by a friends older brother who I'll call J and after the actual event, I didn't tell anyone and spent the rest of the summer with him. I cannot remember a moment of that time. I have a good 4 to 6 weeks of missing time and I often feel that something else happened during that time.

Going by others accounts, which are a bit vague as I never told my family so it's hard to ask really, J spent a lot of time with his gf after that and I don't see how anything else could have happened, as far as I know, I wasn't left in his charge and I strongly doubt that I would have allowed myself to be alone with him again. I can't see when he would have had the opportunity but the feeling persists.

Ultimately, I'll never know unless those memories return and my counsellor has been amazing in helping me process those feelings so definitely advise her to get a new counsellor but maybe it's best not to poke the bear. If she is repressing then it's for a reason and it may be better for her mental health to let it stay that way.

Sorry I meant to say it is possible for it to be a false memory. Have you ever told people you had a headache to get out of doing something and been so convincing that you actually gave yourself a headache. Or been told about an event when you were a tiny baby or a person who died before you were born in such detail that you actually think you recall it, even though there is no possible way you could.

People who compulsively lie can actually begin to believe their own lies. I'm not suggesting that she is lying, obviously, just pointing out how susceptible the unconscious mind is to the power of suggestion.

What makes me a little suspicious is the insistence that her dad tell the family but not her mother. Does she not think it will get back to her mother somehow?

I suppose I didn't tell my family but I did tell a couple of friends at work. Idk, I want to believe her, I really identify with her right now but it just doesn't sit right, she is deliberately manipulating her father with this, all that talk about if he doesn't tell them, she will think he doesn't believe her.