Kids not allowed to do... anything

[Wtfisgoingon2021]

Name changed as know I will probably get flamed for this.

But I just feel like no one allows their children to do anything anymore.
They will have zero resilience.

All of my children's friends sit in their rooms on Xbox's cause the parents don't want them to be out playing.
They all get driven to the local school, which is a 10 min walk and their is not even any parent parking.
My eldest is 13 and if she wants friends round it's to be 100 messages with the parents as if I'm arranging a play date for a 3 year old.
We live a short walk from the cinema with one road to cross again my 13yo allowed to go with friends and her 3 friends not allowed must be driven in someone's car.

They are only a few years off leaving school and they can't even place an order at McDonald's themselves. (I worked their moons ago and there was nothing more frustrating than young teens who had no idea how to speak for themselves or use money!!)
It seem they are being done a great misjustice and I'm constantly being made to feel a shit mum for trying to empower and grow confidence in my child.
Honesty does anyone relate to me ??

In my day (1990s) we left primary school at 9 and went to middle school for year 5. We used to get the bus there about three miles away on our own and no one batted an eyelid. I never see kids of that age going to school on their own, they are always with their parents.

@Sceptre86 yeah you make a valid point and I was the same when my kids were 5 and 4.

But my kids are 13 and 8.
They shouldn't be spending their summer holidays with mum.
They should be out on their bikes and at the park enjoying themselves and others like them.
And at the moment that has been a huge struggle for us due to other kids same ages not having those small freedoms.

I think a 13 year old should be able to order their own lunch.. (at McDonalds)

@Wtfisgoingon2021 Maybe teaching them about healthy food should be the priority here?

@Dguu6u
I used McDonald's as an example as I had experience in working there and watching children of that age struggle to speak up and order a basic meal.
Hand me all the money they had instead of working out they only had to give me £3.

Not all children were like this but it was a fair amount that struggled.

They all grow up sooner or later. Children used to be left much more to 'sink or swim', it wasn't for the best overall.

I actually think my teens are more resilient than I was even though they are less independent. The part of their brain concerned with safety can be more relaxed because they know I have their back. Being independent at an early age can lead to anxieties, always having to be mentally switched on, being too alert really.

Especially having gone through a pandemic I'm happy for my kids to take slower steps to adulthood. The stress of adult life can wait.

I have 4 dc between 12-17 and I only know one parent who doesn’t allow her ds to have any independence. It was annoying when they were younger as it hampered my dcs independence as they were over supervised and had their plans change to fit with this woman. However, any other friends of my dc who aren’t allowed out aren’t really on my radar iyswim because they aren’t there on those trips and don’t get a mention. Public transport use is an issue where I live because it’s so expensive and shit that almost everyone who can drive, drives everywhere, my dcs use the bus a lot only because I work shifts including a lot of weekends but it’s cheaper for me to drive them about when I can. Dd1s BFF lives a 15min drive away. It’s a 3 bus 2 hour journey as there is no direct route between our villages. It’s easy to live here and reach adulthood without ever being on public transport. You have to make an effort. I posted on a thread a while ago about a secondary school kid getting “tailed” on a trip to town with his mates that you need to actively teach kids how to navigate around cities, use bus timetables and apps, use google maps and what 3 words, work out routes, tell the time, know who to go to for help rather than literally accompany them everywhere and you’d think I’d suggested sending kids out for a picnic on an unstable cliff edge with cyanide sandwiches.

Firstly, just like everyone else who spouts the word resilience at every opportunity on an internet platform you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what it does and doesn't mean and it's implications. Secondly a lot of of issues are being conflated here.

It's worth stating that to be honest, a lot of people don't like doing anything at all outside their house/families in their free time as is their prerogative for any number of reasons a d pass this on to their kids. I grew up in this type of home, know plenty of people like this and it's the opposite of how I raise my family. It's illogical but it's their choice. What is mostly questionable is their reasoning, if what they've actually told you is correct instead of just your biased conjecture. There's no point saying you prefer your kids to game than be outside in a dangerous environment if you're not putting online safety safeguards in place.

Yanbu...DD is 11 and in last year of primary school. She walks the almost mile to school and back herself, her friends parents say "Wow, shes so grown up, I could never let mine do that" what are they going to do when they start secondary next year? Walk them to school and wave through the gate?

YANBU.

However the majority of MN posts from parents is evidence that children don't have much independence or freedom nowadays. A lot of mollycoddling.

@ivykaty44

It continues, I’ve had one parent come to the job interview…

DH does a fair bit of recruitment and he often has parents call in or phone trying to arrange an interview or job and he had a parent try to change the hours as her son would struggle to get there for 8am.... these are full time posts that need a driving licence and funnily enough DH is not changing the opening times to suit someone who likes to lay in bed 🤦‍♀️

@Demelza82 has it right. So much nonsense talked about “resilience” on this forum, often by people who have plainly misunderstood it’s meaning.

@Deedoubleyou

Yanbu...DD is 11 and in last year of primary school. She walks the almost mile to school and back herself, her friends parents say "Wow, shes so grown up, I could never let mine do that" what are they going to do when they start secondary next year? Walk them to school and wave through the gate?

Usually they drive them until they're in the Lower 6th.

Or they regularly phone in the morning losing their shit (because their child failed to Facetime them to show they were standing outside the gates and Find My iPhone isn't working because it's switched off) or they're on the phone within ten minutes of the end of school demanding to know where their kid is because they've not called yet to say they're outside.

Maybe a particularly small and vulnerable Year 7 is understandable - but a six foot 16 year old that you're now expected to haul out of their lessons so you can tell the parent that you have personally physically seen them (because being marked present on the register might be a mistake, apparently) and their explanation is xxxxx - nah.

Although there was one who wanted their kid to miss the last lesson every day so the parent could pick them up with enough time to go and collect the younger sibling. The bus literally went door to door, but that wasn't acceptable/safe, apparently.

Seeing as I wasn't allowed out at all for entertainment/social things, was told I only left the house to go to and from school/work and wasn't allowed to apply to university at all, so my solution was to go with the first boy who was interested and had a car - I think it's actually going to make things worse to be like this, as many young people are going to look for an opportunity to escape as soon as one presents itself.

DD's nearly 14. I often don't see her for hours after school, even though it's an 8 minute walk. She and her friends go wandering. In the holidays, she'll get messaged by a friend and announce that she's going out. The latest she's been out until was 8pm and she came back starving! They go on the bus to the cinema, the shopping mall, whatever. Certainly amongst her friends I haven't seen any mollycoddling.

I do know a couple of 13 year olds whose mums still worry about letting them roam around with friends. It's a shame because I don't feel like they become a bit isolated from their peers who are catching trains to different towns and meeting up in groups.

I agree - I see such a huge variation in my friend's teens.

There is a clutch of three who are all the same age - 14.
Teen 1 - London - organises own activities on his phone, gets himself there & back by public transport. On the odd occasion outings have finished late his parents will collect or his friend's parents drop off.

Teen 2 - out of London. Still walked to the bus stop at the end of their road by a parent (no nasty roads to cross AFAIK) for the private bus to the private school. Met of bus by a parent. If meeting friends driven there. Doesn't even walk into town.

Teen 3 - also out of London. Walks to school with sibling. Able to get bus into town to meet friends but has to report whereabouts to parents by text message a couple of times during each outing.

Aome of it is also societal. Teen 3 and sibling and I went out for dinner recently after we'd spent the day together. For complicated reasons their parents were paying. Trying to get the waitress to let the teen pay for the meal on their debit card (their Mum and already put the money into their account) was really hard - I think the waitress thought I was exploiting them!

I'm having this problem with my exH over our 17 year old daughter. He's constantly wanting to know where she is, who she's with, what she's doing. He goes nuts if the group of friends includes boys, doesn't allow sleepovers, goes through her stuff looking for alcohol, condoms etc. I bought her her first festival ticket for her birthday and he is being deliberately obstructive to her plans, withholding her allowance because she wants to buy things for the festival etc. It's bizarre, she could be going away to university in a year's time and he would have no idea what she's up to.

DH is quite weird about DS 10. I'd absolutely let him walk to and from school if he was ready, but he's not. On the other hand, he walked home from his friend's on Thursday after the last day of summer school and DH, who has ADHD, started ranting about things having to be done "right". 2 summers ago he was taking himself off to the park to meet up with his friends, but obviously, this is different. I think he has trouble seeing that he's growing up. I'm striking a fine balance between pushing DS 10 into independence too fast and pandering to his anxiety about going to school on his own, going on residentials etc. He's still very attached to Bear Bear (his transitional object) and is scared of losing him on a residential.

I haven’t come across this with either of my dds. I can imagine it goes on though.

I was surprised when you said you lived in Scotland because that's really, really not my experience of bringing up kids in small town Scotland. My 13y old and his mates are happy walking into town (40mins), getting the train to the nearest city (an hour+ away), going to watch football/rugby matches at the local clubs, getting the bus to the nearest beach etc. If anything he has more independence and freedom than I did in the 90s, and I was pretty free range then!

Thanks for posting OP, haven't rtft but I completely agree and have no solutions.

I am having a lot of arguments with DD17 about getting p/t work to help pay for her (part time) college, using public transport, using her initiative, researching to set up online business (she's an artist)... Nothing, she does absolutely nothing. I am "filling her head with anxiety" apparently. So fine, I'll step back, but am starting to get resentful and do not understand her. At her age I was in ft education with pt work and hobbies on top. She'll be an adult in a few months yet behaves like a 13yo. I didn't raise her to be like this, always tried to encourage her to get out there and do things, but ALL her friends are the same. No life, no interests, no ambitions. Can't just be lockdown, surely?

I live in a relatively safe village and it's the opposite of this.

10 & 11 year olds walk to & from school without parents.

I often see kids of 9/10/11 walking to the corner shop on weekends with friends/no parents.

All the secondary age kids get buses to school. Lots of 14/15/16 year olds offering to wash cars/mow lawns/garden/feed pets/walk dogs to earn pocket money.

Partridgefeather

Where does she get money from? For clothes, music, mobile phone bill, sweets, coffees out etc?

Dont give her any and you'll find shes suddenly willing to go and earn it.

My parents have never ever paid my phone bill, I got pay & go at 15 and always had to get money for credit myself.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Partridgefeather

Where does she get money from? For clothes, music, mobile phone bill, sweets, coffees out etc?

Dont give her any and you'll find shes suddenly willing to go and earn it.

My parents have never ever paid my phone bill, I got pay & go at 15 and always had to get money for credit myself.

Unfortunately I think this is right. Stepping back from the nagging encouragement to take charge off her own life, but still bankrolling her decision not to will be the best of both worlds for her.

I do sympathise, it's hard.

I saw a post on Facebook last week from an acquaintance asking what age was normal to go to the park alone in her area.
One of her friends said her kids couldn't go anywhere under their own steam until LATE TEENS! Because it's not safe, apparently.
This is a perfectly pleasant northern town not downtown Johannesburg. Nuts

Spot on.

And we wonder why kids increasingly grow up with anxiety and self doubt. ‘The world is a dangerous place’ they are told

It’s really not