Kids not allowed to do... anything

[Wtfisgoingon2021]

Name changed as know I will probably get flamed for this.

But I just feel like no one allows their children to do anything anymore.
They will have zero resilience.

All of my children's friends sit in their rooms on Xbox's cause the parents don't want them to be out playing.
They all get driven to the local school, which is a 10 min walk and their is not even any parent parking.
My eldest is 13 and if she wants friends round it's to be 100 messages with the parents as if I'm arranging a play date for a 3 year old.
We live a short walk from the cinema with one road to cross again my 13yo allowed to go with friends and her 3 friends not allowed must be driven in someone's car.

They are only a few years off leaving school and they can't even place an order at McDonald's themselves. (I worked their moons ago and there was nothing more frustrating than young teens who had no idea how to speak for themselves or use money!!)
It seem they are being done a great misjustice and I'm constantly being made to feel a shit mum for trying to empower and grow confidence in my child.
Honesty does anyone relate to me ??

YANBU. I kind of think this too, I thought it was just me being odd. I actively encourage my son to do things that teach him to use his voice. We go shopping and I get him to queue up and pay for his stuff with money. He also knows how to order at MacDonalds on the card system or is happy to go to the counter and speak to the cashier about what he would like, he’s begun doing the same in the coffee shop too and recently on a holiday he was ordering his own ice cream, finding the man in the arcade if the toys were stuck in the coin pusher machines. He’s only just turned four so he’s not about to up and go on his own but it’s those early examples that will help build confidence as he grows. It’s something I can remember doing even if it was my mum handing me my own bus fare for the bus that we were all getting on and letting me pay for my ticket and be responsible for that ticket til the journey ended. I see some kids in the situation you speak of, a constant routine of drop offs, pickups and at home where they can be seen, I want my kids to have the childhood I had we played out on bikes, roller blades etc, now it seems that those sorts of things have to be in a certain area with mum / dad / caregiver. We used to leave home in the morning for school, before mobile phones and walk to school crossing one road before there was a crossing patrol. The same on the way home. After school from being ten I used to walk to the local swimming pool and go have a swim, then walk home about 5 in the evening for my tea. Again I had no mobile phone I just had a time to be home for. I hope my son meets friends at school that have like minded parents that give their kids a bit more freedom to grow and learn, do things with their peers instead of always with parents / family. We used to go fishing, swimming, to the parks etc the fair, cinema and we never got taken from A-B or picked up. My dad drove but he worked shifts. We caught the bus into town and knew when to be home by. We had the house phone number memorised so if we ever did need help we could ring. There was one time we got on the wrong bus home from the cinema and the driver rang our home and explained, gave my mum the time it was expected at the stop closest to home and he put us on the other bus at the station and told the driver what had happened it was the same number going in the opposite direction. We had no extra money for fare but he made sure we got on that bus and home. It was such a different childhood to what kids have now and it’s a shame. I know teenagers that refuse to speak even when ordering food wanting someone else to do it for them. It really shouldn’t be this way. Teach them to be independent yet respectful of others and their surroundings.

I've found that a lot seems to depend on the area you live in. It generally seems that apart from seriously dangerous areas, the more affluent the area is, the less independent the kids are.

It's a long way from the days when I was sent around the block to the shop at age six to buy cigarettes for my mum, and no one batted an eye.

YANBU but there will be exceptions. My eldest son was always encouraged to be independent but he was finding it too much due to autism. There is an awful lot of children with visible and invisible disabilities at mainstream schools now (91 out of 500 in our local primary). They may be maturing at a different rate. You can't always put it all down to overprotective parents.
Also, once a child self-harms, have mental health issues etc. they also may be watched more closely by the parents. And there is more children with these issues in secondary schools than you may think.

@titchy

I think your experience is pretty rare to be honest. Just look at the many posts here reassuring others that once they're at secondary school you never really get to know parents or arrange things.

I dunno, the standard of parenting is pretty poor these days. These are the kids who turn up at uni and can't work a washing machine or feed themselves or clean. Then theres the coursework which they struggle with.

Gosh this isn't my experience at all! My 13 year old spent this weekend with a friend, staying overnight and the only communication I had with the other girl's parent was a quick text thanking her for having her stay.

The girls walked into town and spent the day shopping and went for a MacDonald's and a Costa.

My DS 15 took the train ( 40min journey) to London with his friends yesterday and had lunch at Macdonalds and then dinner at Wagamama before catching the train back home at 8pm.

He does this quite often and there is never any involvement on my part other than to occasionally transfer over some cash for his lunch or his train ticket ( he uses his paper round money to pay for most of what he does but we subsidise him a bit because we like to encourage him to have a good social life)

There is a very small group of kids at his school who aren't allowed this freedom and the parents often appear on the school year group WhatsApp page discussing the rights and wrongs of allowing kids to go to London. They are generally considered to be a bit strange and are also very controlling about every aspect of their kids lives.

Then they end up like the adult I know, who at thirty can't make an appointment at the doctors, mummy has to do it, can't go to an appointment on their own, they need someone with them.

I agree totally.
Apart from sending my son to a one week football camp, and a few play dates he has spent the Summer with parents.
It’s such a terrible thing that he doesn’t have the freedom to play outside, go to the park with other kids because we are terrified as parents of paedophiles.

@1Mumbling

I agree totally. Apart from sending my son to a one week football camp, and a few play dates he has spent the Summer with parents. It’s such a terrible thing that he doesn’t have the freedom to play outside, go to the park with other kids because we are terrified as parents of paedophiles.

And yet sad thing is, they are more likely to encounter paedophiles online while playing games, as the paedophiles pretend to be kids.

This is because when I was younger I'm 25, I was allowed to play in the street with my friends and a certain age was allowed to walk to the shop. There was crime but not that bad when I was a child. I won't let my 9 year old play in the street the amount of " joy riders" that fly round the corner in my street are unreal. There's also been a lot of stabbing / cars going and grabbing children. It's very different from when I was younger I couldn't imagine my kids doing what I did as a child.

My children are now adults and gained independence at an early age, through circs I could not be a stay at home mum and in those days didn’t drive. So it does worry me to see the level of cosseting some children have nowadays. Apart from failing to achieve independence, does it create some sort of expectation in children later on that someone else will always organise their life?

No way in times of COVID would I be letting any of my family on public transport or in fast food restaurants. Too risky to be infected just yet.
Ah yes, covid anxiety too. This generation of kids are going to grow up as gibbering wrecks, thanks to everything their parents are projecting on them.

When I was around 9 years old, I used to get on a bus at the top of my road on a Saturday morning and go on the 5 mile trip to the next town , where my dancing school was. After my classes, I used to get the bus home.
I used to play with my friends at the ‘rec’, which was also at the top of my road, but I had a time at which I had to be home by.
In my late teens, I was catching the underground to go into London, or a bus to Brent Cross shopping centre.

When it came to my own Kids, I admit I was very nervous about letting them go off with friends, but they had phones and a time to back by. We live by the coast now: the worst thing that happened was a phonecall from my daughter ( then about 14) asking me to pick her and her friends up from a well known local picnic area… “ But, “ she said “we are all a bit wet…”. When I enquired why, it seems they had taken the beach route to the area and got caught out by the tide coming in and had waded through the water and over all the rocks!!!! I nearly had a heart attack and raced round in the car , but they were fine , if a bit soggy. But a lesson had been learned!!!
The point I’m to make is: you can do your best, but you cannot control everything …and circumstances can scupper the best laid plans. They have to learn by experience/ mistakes, otherwise they never have resilience or ‘common sense’. It is learning to risk-assess for themselves.

@DdraigGoch

No way in times of COVID would I be letting any of my family on public transport or in fast food restaurants. Too risky to be infected just yet. Ah yes, covid anxiety too. This generation of kids are going to grow up as gibbering wrecks, thanks to everything their parents are projecting on them.

I don't think it was unreasonable for anyone to be extra cautious with themselves and their children during lockdown. It was a rotten time for kids and parents alike, never knowing when school would be closed and freezing cold classrooms.

We aren't in lockdown now and things will gradually return to normal (hopefully). That will take a bit of getting used to.

My sister in law is like this with her daughter and it drives me mad.

My niece is almost 16 and has a bf, who wants to take her for lunch and to the cinema afterwards.

But my sister in law insists on driving her daughter everywhere.
She doesn't even take herself to school...she always gets a lift from her grandparents.

I'd tell her to sod off and learn to be more self reliant.

Her bf is the same age and even has a part time job, but his mum is also going to drop them off and pick them up afterwards.

It's ridiculous.

My DS started walking to school by himself in Yr 5, school is 7 mins walk away and half the kids in his class get to and from school by themselves. DS is really lacking in confidence so this was a big deal for him (he was the one who asked to do it). Recently, my MIL found out and said we shouldn't be doing this, his security is more important than his confidence etc. So now that he's going into Yr 6 we're going to have to go back to dropping and picking him from school everyday because of her and other family members constantly pointing out all the things that can go wrong on the school walk.

YANBU

Children in other countries get a lot more freedom and independence.
I'm always very impressed by the self confidence and independence of German children. We have German friends who live in a big city. They made the decision to allow both their children (boy and girl) to cycle wherever they wanted in the city, alone, from the age of 10. Children routinely walk to school without parents from the age of 6.
At the end of the day it's in your hands - you can allow your children more independence and freedom. Some parents do.

@user153876909

My DS started walking to school by himself in Yr 5, school is 7 mins walk away and half the kids in his class get to and from school by themselves. DS is really lacking in confidence so this was a big deal for him (he was the one who asked to do it). Recently, my MIL found out and said we shouldn't be doing this, his security is more important than his confidence etc. So now that he's going into Yr 6 we're going to have to go back to dropping and picking him from school everyday because of her and other family members constantly pointing out all the things that can go wrong on the school walk.

YANBU

It's your decision as parents. Why would you bring your children up like this when you don't agree with it?

With girls in particular, you know that there will always be the risk of a sexual attack. But you simply have to let them go. You can't protect them when they're 18 and at university. So let them develop some street skills and a confident vibe now.

@Rabblemum

You are right and they are wrong. Overprotecting kids is pathetic, obesity and anxiety are huge issues for teens. When mummy tells you how dangerous everything is and never lets you out on your bike/rollerblades/scooter fat, anxious teens will happen.

[quote Wtfisgoingon2021]@Rabblemum yes I agree! They are all on the larger side parents and children. A short 10 minute brisk walk to school and back twice a day 5 days a week would make a huge difference physically and mentally ! [/quote]
Another day, more fat shaming on Mumsnet.

@so750 yes you're right. I have terrible anxiety (worse since the pandemic) as it is so it was already a big step for me to allow him to walk by himself and it took some time before I was comfortable without having all the 'what if' thoughts. However, if family members are constantly telling you that you should be putting their security above other things then it does get to me. MIL keeps bringing up all the incidents of some kid being kidnapped/harassed/bullied/murdered on way home from school. She's not been in the country for the past year but she's coming back now and will be constantly making remarks about it.

Another day, more fat shaming on Mumsnet.

Another day, more imagined so called "fat shaming" 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think part of the problem is teens, too used to staying at home (lockdown habits) .

I have to push my teen to go out, however, he cycles to school 5 miles each way, and laughs at my concerns about traffic.

Did you read about China's new online gaming laws? 3 hours a week for u18s.

@user153876909

My DS started walking to school by himself in Yr 5, school is 7 mins walk away and half the kids in his class get to and from school by themselves. DS is really lacking in confidence so this was a big deal for him (he was the one who asked to do it). Recently, my MIL found out and said we shouldn't be doing this, his security is more important than his confidence etc. So now that he's going into Yr 6 we're going to have to go back to dropping and picking him from school everyday because of her and other family members constantly pointing out all the things that can go wrong on the school walk.

YANBU

He's your child, not theirs. Do what YOU want to.

You're an adult who can't do anything by themselves! Come on. Step up!

@MolyHolyGuacamole
You may think it's fat shaming.
But I'm not trying to shame anyone.

In agreement with another poster I have stated the parents of the children in my street are on the larger side. That was simply just the truth.
They probably would benefit from walking their children to school rather than driving them if they don't want them to make their way there alone.