Kids not allowed to do... anything

[Wtfisgoingon2021]

Name changed as know I will probably get flamed for this.

But I just feel like no one allows their children to do anything anymore.
They will have zero resilience.

All of my children's friends sit in their rooms on Xbox's cause the parents don't want them to be out playing.
They all get driven to the local school, which is a 10 min walk and their is not even any parent parking.
My eldest is 13 and if she wants friends round it's to be 100 messages with the parents as if I'm arranging a play date for a 3 year old.
We live a short walk from the cinema with one road to cross again my 13yo allowed to go with friends and her 3 friends not allowed must be driven in someone's car.

They are only a few years off leaving school and they can't even place an order at McDonald's themselves. (I worked their moons ago and there was nothing more frustrating than young teens who had no idea how to speak for themselves or use money!!)
It seem they are being done a great misjustice and I'm constantly being made to feel a shit mum for trying to empower and grow confidence in my child.
Honesty does anyone relate to me ??

I’m on one of those FB uni pages ... some of the queries on there are staggering! These ‘kids’ are 18 😳

I know someone who still packs a suitcase for her DCS, at 17 and 21 ... she worries they’ll forget stuff or get cold. Her DD recently went to Leeds festival and she was running about like a blue arsed fly sorting everything out for her. Bloody madness.

Careful though. My 15 year old has few friends because mum's think I am hugely irresponsible in insisting she walks and so their precious darlings are not allowed to ours etc. Then the actually wild teens she has the sense to steer clear of. I've seen lots lose their way at uni as they lack the emotional or even life skills to deal with even a life as sheltered as that. I guess the parents want to keep them dependent on them.

I know someone who still packs a suitcase for her DCS, at 17 and 21 ... she worries they’ll forget stuff or get cold.

Naff that. My son is going on a residential trip with school in Feb. He'll be 13 he'll do his own packing. I'll check he's got everything, but I won't pack it for him.

My Gran was overprotective like this with my Dad and Uncle. Her first child was stillborn and she always had a major anxiety about losing another child so she walked them to the school bus stop every day and picked them up until they left school. They never really had any independence because she wouldn’t let them and they’re both crappy adults. My Uncle still lives with her and she does all of his washing, cooking, cleaning and he doesn’t even make his own cups of tea. My Dad is just an egotistical twat.

Basically, I don’t think mollycoddling children is a good thing to do. At 13 they should have some independence and I’d definitely think they should be able to go to a school, a friend’s house and to the cinema without being dropped off when it’s so close to home. I’m amazed by how many people baby their teenagers. My DS is starting secondary next week and he’ll be getting the bus to school alone.

This isn't my experience, most people walk to school, kids do it alone from 10ish.
My 11yo was out with her friends for 8 hours yesterday, they go to the park, beach etc together. The area is a large village. She makes her own plans now they've left primary school. This was the same as my own experience.

Never forgot a poster who had numerous children and was adamant none of them had left the house unaccompanied until they were 18. She was pressed on it but held firm. My mind was blown.

That said there is a family here who walk their kids to school kids being secondary year 7 and 9 we live in a very safe small city. I would have died of embarrassment as a teen. They have lost friends as other kids are too mortified to join the daily family hike.

Totally agree op. I am constantly being chastised by my sil for letting my soon to be 15 year old ‘out’ in our local area. My sil has two teens one aged 17 1 aged 15 who are driven absolutely everywhere despite living in an urban area. They do nothing without mum and dad, still are taken on family days out and do not arrange anything independently with friends etc. I let my dd look around London with her friends and I think this is a good thing. It helps her to become more confident imo. My sil acts like I am neglectful!

yes experienced this too. most my teenage daughters friends are not allowed to go anywhere by themselves. my dd and 4 of her friends went to the local trampolining centre a few months back and one of the mothers phoned me panicking and had even drove down to trampoline centre because her teen dd wasn't answering her phone. the girls phone had been in a locker whilst they were trampolining so that's why she didn't answer but the poor girl hasn't been allowed out since as it caused the mother too much anxiety. I allow my own dd much more freedom and it's built her confidence massively. I allow her to go shopping in our big city centre and she's confident on public transport, it's lovely to see her growing and able to do things for herself with confidence. it's just a shame the majority of her peers are so restricted and still treated like babies.

This has been a really good thread for me.

Good to hear others experiences and know I'm not alone or a mentalist for letting my kids walk to school or go out unaccompanied for short periods.

Thank you all so much for sharing.

As long as they are loved, their needs are met and they know that they can trust and rely on us. Then they will be fine.

As long as...their needs are met is the crux of the issue.

My DCs encountered young adults at university who most definitely were not fine after 18 years of being wrapped in cotton wool, whose social and psychological development had been severely stunted by parents who let their own MH issues run away with them.

This wasn't my experience when my DS was a younger teen.

Is it possible with lockdown etc that children of this age have not been able to move forward socially over the last 18 months as would normally be expected ?

my best memories from my own childhood and teen years are of being off out and about with my friends having fun and adventures without our parents. let your children live and explore the outside world for themselves so they can grow into confident, sociable and capable adults.

A lot of people are saying they live in large villages/ safe small cities etc. What are those of you in areas with issues doing?

We’ve had shootings and stabbing of quite young teens in the last few years. Either drugs or thefts. Buses often go out of service if there’s a big row or someone high has an issues, passengers all then end up waiting at the bus stop. Or they carry on with a large adult male shouting and bouncing around.

Police can be unsympathetic in how they approach and handle teen boys, they can be scary themselves.

Bored teens in park visits can cause difficult Situations. For example I was at the park with his sisters and saw their older brother. Boys were taking his basketball and throwing it down the hill for entertainment. Laughing and laughing but also spoiling for a fight if challenged.

My year 7 is bursting for independence, he does go to the shops etc, but I’m struggling with it hugely. It’s not the world I grew up in.

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats
My 12 year old is not allowed to go to certain parks, and he's careful about what time he goes to certain places. Some older teens can as you say be out for trouble and spoiling for a fight, keen to show off to their mates.
It's right to keep our kids safe and teach them to be wary of dodgy places - that's not wrapping them up in cotton wool, it's just common sense.

Ds did phone me when he was out with friends the other day asking if he could go to a park the other side of town, his mates were going, I said no. Bless him he's a good lad and came home, and they went without him. I'm wasn't being a "kill joy" or "over protective", I just know that particular park and what goes on there.

That’s the difference though I guess, it’s not ‘the other side of town’. It’s the road we live on there’s frequent violence, the buses down the road in front, the park at the end of the street.
I’m finding it hard to balance freedoms, and how the older two were, vs safety.
Going to the shops/ library and brief direct visits I don’t mind, but hanging around whether at bus stops or on the road/ park is an issue. Plus I do find boys get more of the hassle than girls.
We go out a lot, he’s hardly indoors- but independence is a battle I’m not sure how to cross. There’s so many unknowns. As an adult I sometimes feel quite threatened or wrong footed, but I have the skills to deescalate or know when to leave a situation. Yr 7s don’t.
I’m really not being precious. There are not infrequent serious incidents with teens.

We live in a small and safe feeling town. When DC was around 13 she joined 3 youth type clubs, all within a 20 minute walk of home. All 3 of the clubs expressed concern that she was walking to and from their club, as apparently all other teenagers were driven to and from. I had to sign a consent form for 1 of them.
When the hell are they allowed to grow up? Why are so many parents facilitating this?

My kids are too young to go out alone by far (oldest is a toddler), but I agree with OP.
We have family with young kids in a neighbouring village. The oldest, a young teenager, has never even been to the cinema (alone or accompanied), because they are kept at home unless it's to go shopping with parents or occasionally, on holiday. They spend their time on tablets, phones or consoles, it is very sad to see.

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

That’s the difference though I guess, it’s not ‘the other side of town’. It’s the road we live on there’s frequent violence, the buses down the road in front, the park at the end of the street. I’m finding it hard to balance freedoms, and how the older two were, vs safety. Going to the shops/ library and brief direct visits I don’t mind, but hanging around whether at bus stops or on the road/ park is an issue. Plus I do find boys get more of the hassle than girls. We go out a lot, he’s hardly indoors- but independence is a battle I’m not sure how to cross. There’s so many unknowns. As an adult I sometimes feel quite threatened or wrong footed, but I have the skills to deescalate or know when to leave a situation. Yr 7s don’t. I’m really not being precious. There are not infrequent serious incidents with teens.

I think you have to go with your gut feeling, if it doesn’t feel right or safe don’t do it. Our kids need us to risk assess for them - and for us to explain how we did that and why we made the decision that we did.

Where I live now, we do all do tend to let our kids have a bit of freedom. On the whole, children walk themselves to school from year 6. Although, DD’s friend was walked to, and picked up from, school by her mum everyday until she left in year 11.

My 2 are nearly 20 and at Uni and 16 and just started college and for several years they’ve been catching buses to the next town, meeting friends for the cinema or whatever. We do tend to pick them up in the evenings but our bus service is rubbish after 7pm.

Friends from where I used are far more restrictive with what they allow their children to do.

One thing that does get my goat is this insistence that children can’t possibly be upset over fairly minor stuff. I see it time and time again, people complaining that they’ve been left with an upset or crying child because the latest x-box sold out, or a local attraction was closed, or someone has told them no, or something like that.

A friend asked if her child could ride DD’s pony. I said no, she’s a dickhead and can’t be trusted (the pony, not DD ). Friend messaged “thanks a lot, X crying”. I wasn’t really sure how that was my problem, or why there even was a problem. She’s disappointed, fair enough, but it’s not the end of the world

Thinking of the above comment about consent forms- my area weirdly is the opposite. It’s not particularly safe, urban estate with problems intersected by very busy city roads.
All council clubs though and happy that from 8 they can walk home alone, it’s an option on all their activities to tick. Even if you don’t they are very lax at the end- opening gates and getting on with other things. Part the issue though with problems is the amount of bored kids wandering and having trouble, kids locked out until their parents get back from work as they aren’t allowed a key or trusted with access to the flat alone.
The schools are stricter-some year 5, some year 6.

Totally agree,a bunch of wossywats being raised