Kids not allowed to do... anything

[Wtfisgoingon2021]

Name changed as know I will probably get flamed for this.

But I just feel like no one allows their children to do anything anymore.
They will have zero resilience.

All of my children's friends sit in their rooms on Xbox's cause the parents don't want them to be out playing.
They all get driven to the local school, which is a 10 min walk and their is not even any parent parking.
My eldest is 13 and if she wants friends round it's to be 100 messages with the parents as if I'm arranging a play date for a 3 year old.
We live a short walk from the cinema with one road to cross again my 13yo allowed to go with friends and her 3 friends not allowed must be driven in someone's car.

They are only a few years off leaving school and they can't even place an order at McDonald's themselves. (I worked their moons ago and there was nothing more frustrating than young teens who had no idea how to speak for themselves or use money!!)
It seem they are being done a great misjustice and I'm constantly being made to feel a shit mum for trying to empower and grow confidence in my child.
Honesty does anyone relate to me ??

These aren't normal times though, are they? We're just coming out of an 18 month period of being told what to do or not do. Understandable if some people have gone a little weird over arrangements.

In normal times, kids round here on the London fringes often have long commutes to school on public transport so would generally be quite self-sufficient about travelling out of school time.

@Rabblemum yes I agree! They are all on the larger side parents and children. A short 10 minute brisk walk to school and back twice a day 5 days a week would make a huge difference physically and mentally !

My DC is 14, just between year 9/10. In year 9 she and her mates have all been permitted to visit the (massive) city by public transport. It's lovely watching them spread their wings a bit. Her birthday treat this year was me funding a trip to a very instagrammable cafe in the city and no parents contacted me to ask about supervision. Which is good, because I stayed at home.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable tbh.
I’m probably one of those parents you describe, but when your local news has a story of a young teenager assaulted and/or mugged and/or knifed nearly every week and your child’s secondary school put out ‘stranger danger’ alerts, 4 or 5 times last year, yes it makes you nervous.
And I live in what was once an extremely nice area, it still appears nice on the surface but gangs and drugs have infiltrated.

[quote Wtfisgoingon2021]@helentomelon i am 100 the same on the lift thing I've actually had to tell my child to refuse lifts.
She was recently invited to a sleep over approx 6 streets away, when I mentioned I would walk her round (although she could of walked herself) the mum would not take no for an answer about picking her up! [/quote]
Yes to not taking no for an answer as well. It's rude but because it's dressed up as a favour you feel you have to go along with it

I think you are correct with some things, Lots of children won't know how to do everyday things when they get older, or leave school.Maybe it's because of parent pampering, over anxious parents, who think the world is dangerous outside the home.. I live in a quiet village, and often see parents start up their cars, to run a child of about 7 or 8,, to take a child five doors down,to play with a friend,as the child refuses to walk to the friends. One Mother always sends a little note with her child, to tell a parent that her child must not eat certain things whilst her child is visiting, and must not touch a cat or dog if they have one,

I'm kind of in the middle tbh, i don't let my kids play out on the estate until they are 13+ because its rough round here, i expect texts when they get on the bus (10 min walk) when they arrive at school and when they leave etc but again its rough round here! my 16 year old still has to give me name, address and phone number of where she is staying. But i do get them to do stuff on their own when we are out like order their own food, go to the counter and pay for their purchase, my 16 year old has to deal with some of her own life admin now like booking appointments and stuff. Its hard there's a lot of horror stories now, kids being abducted, county lines, kids carrying knives etc. i know bad stuff happened years ago when i was left to roam free from a young age, but there was less news it doesn't make it any less scary though.

I can relate.

It's so tempting to want to protect them though.

She had a friend over recently (15 almost 16) and the mother absolutely grilled me on the doorstep checking I'd be home all night, wouldn't let them out....

Not out at all? Not even if they just wanted to go to the corner shop to buy snacks?

There are two other current threads with a similar theme - whether a 14yo and an 11yo can be left at home for a couple of hours, and whether a 12 yo should be allowed to go to a friend's house when his mother doesn't know the parents and hasn't checked with them that it's ok. (Can't link on this device)

YANBU. That's insanely over-protective.

I agree and think this has a lot to do the 'anxiety issues' so many children seem to have today. There parents do everything for them, they don't do any chores, just sit on a phone/tablet/Xbox all day & then when one day they do actually have to do something, they 'cant cope'!!

Its a worry for out future generation, how will they manage parenting themselves, when they cant even walk to school or empty the dishwasher!!

It's weird, I don't understand why some parents are so reluctant to let their kids walk anywhere. DD's primary school allows the children to arrive & leave on their own when they get to year 6, with parental permission. We're going to let DD walk on her own, & get her a simple phone (school allow this too) - it's over a mile each way. We don't even own a car.

When I was 16 (summer holidays, just taken my GCSEs - about 25 years ago) I went camping for a week with a group of friends. We walked 12 miles through boggy, hilly agricultural land full of cows, set up camp, the site was near a massive cliff edge, nearest phone was a mile away, only 2 buses a day, 1 tiny shop. We had to tie the bottles of milk down in plastic bags to keep cool in a stream. It was fine.

It continues, I’ve had one parent come to the job interview…

It’s not like that where I live! Kids get the bus or walk to high school. My ds is out mountain biking with friends in most of his spare time.
I see kids going to the local shops without an adult all the time.

And according to mumsnet most kids are totally independent, cooking three course meals, and running the household from about 5 years old!

I relate but I’m a nervous wreck when the kids get to those ages but I noticed that I have been a lot more lenient with the boys than the girl, I dunno it it’s cos she’s the 1st but I was always so worried - still am but I do give the boys a lot more freedom to do the stuff you’ve mentioned.

Also my daughter hates ordering or taking on phones so I think you might right 😩💆🏼‍♀️💆🏼‍♀️

Maybe it depends on where you live? We are in a big city and our kids have been making their own way to school on the bus /train (2 kids, different schools) since they started secondary. Both their schools are selective, so take from a wide catchment, so the city centre has always been the preferred meet up location, especially for my daughter, usually for a McDonalds and a bit of Primark shopping (son more into Xbox!) Our house was always the sleepover location of choice for my daughter’s friends but I don’t think I’ve liaised with parents since year 7 (she’s going into year 13 now). Now they’re 17 and 15 and I don’t see them much in the holidays! Dd just took herself off to Cornwall on the coach to stay with friends. I think if you start letting go of the reins gradually from around 11, they naturally grow in confidence.

YANBU, but I personally am not overly keen on my child going to other homes as it is quite random what goes on in the privacy of homes. I think some other parents' ideas can be odd.

But my child walking to school, meeting friends, going to clubs - all these I encourage.

My DD is 17. I tried to give her some of the same ‘freedom’ I had growing up in the 70s (I was born in 64). Out playing in the street/on the green close to home (I could not always see where she was), walking to the shop alone from 8 years old (no roads to cross etc), bike rides off to build camps in the woods etc etc. The biggest obstacle? Her friend’s parents, all 12-18 years younger than me. They never allowed it.

Thank goodness for Brownies/Guides and Church Youth Club as otherwise DD (only child) would have been pretty lonely.
She has far more confidence than a few of her friends.

My seven year old can order a McDonald’s or purchase something in a shop… in fact my five year old can but he doesn’t always remember the value of the money yet.

Are people really not teaching their teenagers this? That’s terrible.

I was, and probably still am, one of the most relaxed parents in my group, , l was brought up that way myself, and never any bother, and yet my second young teen development an anxiety disorder. I think it had more to do with the sudden death of his Dad when he was 8 years old, or maybe not ?
People parent as they seem fit, it's a hard enough job without others constantly scrutinizing and judging.
What l will say is that things can change very quickly during the teen years and you may have to adapt your ways of parenting to work with whatever situation your up against.,what works today for you now, might not work tomorrow , or in the future.
I am quite relieved my eldest is out of the teenage years now, and my second one isn't far behind. It's a bloody minefield.

I know a couple of parents like this and I agree that it doesn’t help the child long term. One of DD’s (16) friends from primary school has an over-protective Mum and the poor girl suffers from anxiety. I’m friends with her Mum but it’s ridiculous when we’re out as a group, she fusses around the girls as if they’re 6, not 16. I dread to think how her DD will cope when she goes to university…her elder sister had to drop out in her first year as she wasn’t coping ( since gone back, but she was totally unprepared for living independently).

You should check out the documentary Childhood 2.0. Children talk about being told that the outside is not safe, while the greatest dangers they face are online.
You can find it on Youtube.

I posted about what I expect my seven year old to do and was told I was neglectful because she’s independent and doesn’t need babying. It’s no wonder teenagers are so useless if this is the kind of parenting that goes on. My siblings are 11 and are so babied it’s unreal. My 7 year old can do a lot more for herself than they can. I find it quite embarrassing really.

YANBU, there is a lot of it about, although we seem to have been fairly fortunate.

Luckily we have found some parents who are a bit more open minded - in DD's last year of primary, we found he best friend's parents were relaxed about them walking about locally together. Now she's in secondary (going into Y9) we've only ever contacted parents when lifts have been required for activities, thankfully!

COVID has also made people be a bit better about independence, when they realise it makes life so much easier to let kids, say, walk back from school when they're working there - DS (about to go into Y6) has been walking home a mile with a classmate on our street since spring. His school always had a fairly stupid rule that only Y6 kids could leave without parents, and only after filling in a form. Last year they dropped it to Y5 fortunately due to COVID and realising it would make a lot of sense given most kids live very close (we're one of the further away ones) - and on evidence almost everyone has gone for letting their kids walk.

I do think it's important to encourage kids to deal with people in restaurants and shops themselves so you don't have this thing where they act like it is all too cringey to actually have to talk to someone they don't know. It's still a little while before they'll be able to do everything on an app without having to speak to anyone...