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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 29/08/2021 13:54

you asked could you bring a friend and they said yes and they wouldn't charge then reneged AND you are still expected to clean the place? whatever their thinking that would not sit right with me.

godmum56 · 29/08/2021 13:55

oh PS its in their garden? I definitely wouldn't go.

Germolenequeen · 29/08/2021 13:55

Drink the whisky, eat the sausages and tell them to fuck off!

This - I'd be very upset too 🙄

ActonSquirrel · 29/08/2021 13:55

I'd cancel. There is no contract in place. You haven't booked via a website.

I couldn't be friends with them anymore either. Take back the whisky etc

HasaDigaEebowai · 29/08/2021 13:55

Sorry but I think you were the CF. They invited you to visit them and you invited someone else. Who does that?

Fubitch · 29/08/2021 13:55

I would cancel. I'd be too pissed off with them to fake being nice.

ActonSquirrel · 29/08/2021 13:57

@HasaDigaEebowai

Sorry but I think you were the CF. They invited you to visit them and you invited someone else. Who does that?
She asked them. They were free to say no. They didn't.

Seriously who thinks the way you do. She didn't say I'm bringing a friend she asked permission first.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 29/08/2021 13:57

Your friend agreed to go as it was free, now it may cost her £250 she maybe unable to do so now. Maybe she has spent the money being as their minds have ch aged a month down the line.

I’d pay and go or cancel.

£500 is a lot for electricity, I imagine it’s you who is actually paying for your meal too when the four of you go out

Tee20x · 29/08/2021 13:58

I agree with you OP. Would be different if they mentioned about charging a small fee (£500 is not small) at the time that you emailed about bringing a friend. But the fact that they have said they would host for free etc and then changed their minds later on wouldn't wash well with me at all.

If they were unsure they should have discussed this when you asked. Not gone away and changed their minds about it.

Imagine offering to treat someone to lunch & then when the bill arrives saying "actually I've changed my mind" - you just wouldn't and in my mind not good manners at all.

Marcipex · 29/08/2021 13:59

Get a refund on the whisky.
Go anywhere but there.

Original poster
ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:59

@canigooutyet

And it sounded like if you had gone alone you would have treated it as a base/hotel and to come and go as you please. The dynamics have only changed slightly,
This is correct. One of the reasons they bought a place with a separate guest house is because they are people who like their own space and would prefer not to have to look after people 24/7. He seems to play golf several times a week and she volunteers for various charities and is always busy. They said, when they found it, that it was ideal because it meant people could visit but they wouldn't be forever cooking meals and driving visitors around.

I know that in previous years when they've had family and friends staying in the cottage she's expressed irritation at the amount of effort some people expected them to go to and so I didn't really see that having a friend along to keep me company was such a big deal or would change the dynamic massively. In a way it should have suited them. My friend's pretty independent and will happily taker herself off or enjoy an evening on her own if I want to spend time with them.

Someone mentioned that my friends would be 'treating' me to meals out etc. No, absolutely not. All they've offered is dinner on the night we arrive. Which will probably be a very nice dinner, but the whisky and charcuterie were intended to be a thank-you for that. If we all go out for dinner at the pub then I would expect to pay for everyone. I'm not a freeloader: I more than pay my way. But now I'll be thinking about that £500 and I won't feel like paying their pub bills. I'm comfortably off but they really are extremely comfortably retired.

I've been trying to think how I'd feel if I offered a friend the chance to stay in my home and they asked if they could bring someone else. If I really knew the friend well I'd say yes, partly because I'd feel that the two of them could look after themselves and hang out together, which would take some pressure off me.

OP posts:
whistleinthewind · 29/08/2021 13:59

I'd return the gifts and split the £500 50:50. I'd also pop in to see them but wouldn't spend as much time in with them as I would have done alone - everyone moved the goal posts, personally I'd have offered it to you for nothing still, or maybe charged you a cleaning fee

Noshowwithoutpunch · 29/08/2021 13:59

They thought you wanted to go and see them like you have done in the past.
You taking a pal kind of makes it look like you just want to use their cottage (and will only pop in to see them out of obligation which will feel awkward for them)

PegasusReturns · 29/08/2021 13:59

I’d cancel.

As others say drink the whisky, enjoy the charcuterie and consider it a lucky escape. It would inevitably have turned into a lot of effort.

NewPapaGuinea · 29/08/2021 14:00

£500 to cover electrcity and other costs?? What exactly are these costs that total £500 that isn’t profit?

Xmasbaby11 · 29/08/2021 14:04

I think they probably think £500 is reasonable since it's half their usual rate and would be split between 2 adults. But it's just too late for them to spring it on you when you were told there was no charge. It's not fair to change the terms at the last minute. Such a shame when you have shown yourself to be so considerate in the past and they should have trusted you to continue to be.

bert3400 · 29/08/2021 14:04

I think they are being a bit cheeky. We have a cottage in our garden and spare rooms in the house. Throughout the summer we have had 20 + guest stay with us over the last 8 weeks, as we live in a tourist area abroad. I would absolutely never ask anyone to contribute to the electricity or Water or ask for any money. Our bills double when the house is full due to Aircon and additional showers . They have invited you and ok not necessarily your friend but £500 is frankly taking the piss . I would explain to your friend the change in developments and see what they say . If they can't afford the money then be honest with CF cottage people that the unexpected payment is out of both your league and you can't come . Refund the whisky ( I wish one of our guest had bought us a pressie ....cause not one did, but that's another thread Confused)

Aprilx · 29/08/2021 14:04

I think that you created the situation by asking to bring a friend along, you changed it into a business transaction rather than a visit to friends.

Yes them changing their mind about payment is not great, but maybe you caught them off guard and they immediately did the terribly polite response of declining. On reflection, they have realised there is a lost opportunity cost to them of £1000 which is a lot of money for anyone to turn down. I don’t see why you can’t tell your friend that you got it wrong and have a friends rate not a freebie.

Veryverycalmnow · 29/08/2021 14:05

Cancel. They offered it and have now back- pedalled.

freelions · 29/08/2021 14:05

Tricky one

Personally I would not have asked to bring a friend unless they suggested it first so I kind of agree with others that you have complicated the situation. Having said that I think it's really bad form of them to initially say it was fine and that they don't want to take any money from you and then turn around close to the trip and ask for £500 (which will cover all costs and provide them with a profit!)

What you do now depends how much you value their friendship and whether you can afford to pay the full £500

Aprilx · 29/08/2021 14:05

@NewPapaGuinea

£500 to cover electrcity and other costs?? What exactly are these costs that total £500 that isn’t profit?
The opportunity cost if they normally rent the place out.
Nixandwotsit · 29/08/2021 14:05

Rude and extremely ungracious of them. You did nothing wrong. They are expecting you to spend most of the time doing your own thing, but it sounds as if they would prefer you to be stuck on your own.

You politely asked about bringing a friend, you didn't assume. They said it was fine. Even if they reconsidered that after they should have just let it go this time and made a note to handle things differently in the future. They know this would throw you but did it anyway, and for that reason I think they are prepared to risk your friendship for the sake of £500.

Workinghardeveryday · 29/08/2021 14:06

I think it’s shocking at the last minute more or less, they have asked for £500. No way it is to cover utilities!
There is already bad feeling probably on both sides. Awkward. I would politely cancel and not return!
Who would do that to a ‘friend’.

OrtolanVeil · 29/08/2021 14:06

It's the fact they changed their minds which is annoying. If they'd said one way or the other and stuck to it at the start it wouldn't be bad.

Larryyourwaiter · 29/08/2021 14:06

Maybe I’m strange but I’ve visited people before with a mate when I haven’t known the people. Me and mate would do things together alone and some things all together.
What would they have said if you were bringing a partner with you.

Honestly to me it seems rude. They are basically charging your mate full price to stay in their garden in a location she hadn’t picked. If they don’t want her to come then say. If they aren’t comfortable with her company why does a payment of £500 help? Can they tolerate an extra person for money. I would 100% cancel.