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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
Bundaberg84 · 29/08/2021 14:38

To me it sounds like they got someone who is interested in renting it out during the time you're going to be there. With asking you to pay half the price they don't miss out on potential income too much and uf you decide to not come, they have a backup.

Planty13 · 29/08/2021 14:39

Cancel. Just be honest and say you have already told your friend they were welcome to stay at no charge and you do not feel like you can now ask her for money and maybe it’s best to leave it this time but maybe you can arrange something another time and leave it there.

They are bong cheeky

icedcoffees · 29/08/2021 14:39

I think they, understandably, feel a bit used and taken advantage of.

The invitation wasn't for you plus a friend, it was for you - presumably so you could get a break and spend time with your friends. Adding an unknown person changes the dynamic and switches it from a friendly meet-up to them becoming your hosts.

I don't think they should have charged you once they said they wouldn't, BUT I think you were a CF to ask to bring a friend along. That's really rude imo.

UseOfWeapons · 29/08/2021 14:41

I’d cancel. I think this is rude, at the last minute, the goalposts have shifted. I doubt you’d enjoy it, anyway.
I’d take back the gifts if possible, break the news to my friend, and sending bright email to the couple, saying thanks, but unfortunately you are unable to get away due to work pressures.

canigooutyet · 29/08/2021 14:41

The op and the owners wouldn't have been joined at the hip for the stay. The owners would have carried on with their charity work, golfing and anything else. The only thing that has changed it the op would have had some company for the week,

Kisskiss · 29/08/2021 14:42

It sounds like they feel a bit put out that you invited a friend/ felt unable to say ‘no’ when you asked if that was ok. Hence they decided to charge half, ie free for you, their friend, and a charge for a total stranger…
The situation now unfortunately seens very awkward. I would see if your frievd will split the cost, if she won’t you should cancel !

Lunificent · 29/08/2021 14:44

You need to cancel.

HerkyBaby · 29/08/2021 14:44

Don’t go .

diddl · 29/08/2021 14:44

I guess they feel that you are using it as a holiday let by taking a friend & they want some of the money that they could have rented it out for.

They shouldn't have left it so long to say anything, but really just cancel if you feel it's too much.

SeaShoreGalore · 29/08/2021 14:44

Thing is, when you say 'can I bring a friend', most people would feel uncomfortable saying no, even though most people would want to.

pleasekeeptotheright · 29/08/2021 14:45

Hi friend,

I do appreciate you offering me use of your cottage and have been looking forward to seeing you. However, I had already told Leanne that there will be no cost for the trip and don't feel I can now go to her and request payment. We will make alternative plans.

Please rent out your cottage as normal and enjoy the charcuterie board I've arranged for you. Hopefully we will catch up next year. Take care, Sally.

RubyTrees · 29/08/2021 14:46

Shall we just say that they were quite upset when their pension funds reached a million quid and they were no longer able to get tax relief...

Who discusses the value of their pension funds with friends? Hmm

hellcatspangle · 29/08/2021 14:49

I would be honest with your friend and ask if she wants to go ahead with it and split the cost, otherwise you'll have to cancel as it was an unexpected expense. It's very unfair of them to do this at this stage after telling you it was free.

frazzledasarock · 29/08/2021 14:49

Oh goodness cancel. See if you can find something else on air bnb which you and your friend would enjoy instead. And enjoy the whisky and chauterie with your friend.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/08/2021 14:50

I would cancel.
And get a refund on the whisky.

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2021 14:50

They thought you wanted to go and see them like you have done in the past.

"I have never visited before. They have invited me several times but I've never been able to fit a visit in since they moved in nearly five years ago."

Bloody hell that makes it even worse.

They're probably thinking you're taking the piss in that you never wanted to visit them, but now you've got a friend to come along for a 'free' (in your mind) jolly, you're suddenly interested.

I think you should've made that clear in your OP really.

starfishmummy · 29/08/2021 14:51

That's the rub, isn't it, Gensola? We won't have the complete freedom we'd have had if we'd just booked a holiday cottage and it seems we'll also be expected to spend the last hours there deep-cleaning the place. And of course I'd already said we'd take our own duvets and pillows and bedlinen because, thinking this was a free offer, I wanted to make it as painless as possible for them.

If you are paying, even at mates rates, then no cleaning and ask them to me the beds up!!

FlyingSoHigh · 29/08/2021 14:51

We used to have a holiday house next to a beach and we let some good friends go to stay for a week. We drove down to visit them for a day when they were there and when we arrived we realised that they had invited other friends to stay and the place was packed. I was really pissed off that they hadn't mentioned it to us. It was incredibly awkward as this place was our home (we did not rent it out) but they just saw it as a cheap holiday for whoever they wanted to invite.
I imag inine when you asked for friends they felt put on the spot and answered quickly, but once they had chance to think about it they decided they were not interested in providing cheap holidays for people they don't know.
So in this case I think YABU, but from the sounds of it you really didn't mean to be.

cervixuser · 29/08/2021 14:53

I would cancel - Someone did this to me once. They kept offering me the use of their holiday apartment in a seaside resort and stressed they didn't rent it out etc etc. Finally I said I'd love to go and took some of their favourite wine around when I collected the keys and then they told me that they thought £50a night was fair. It was certainly a good price for the area but it wasn't what they'd suggested to begin with. I said that I couldn't afford that and took the wine and left.

Bagamoyo1 · 29/08/2021 14:53

@hellcatspangle

I would be honest with your friend and ask if she wants to go ahead with it and split the cost, otherwise you'll have to cancel as it was an unexpected expense. It's very unfair of them to do this at this stage after telling you it was free.
This. I think you have to speak to your friend about it, see what he/she thinks about it. Your friend might be happy to pay half.
AlfonsoTheMango · 29/08/2021 14:54

It's a tricky situation but both sides moved the goalposts: you, by asking to bring a friend, and them by changing their minds about renting the cottage.

In your place, I'd ask myself if a week's holiday was worth £250 as I'd expect my friend to cover her half. If it is, forget the thank you gifts. If it's not, make use of the gifts yourself.

hollywoodstar · 29/08/2021 14:55

I wouldn’t go. They are not great friends. They could have said no about bringing a friend with you. It wouldn’t have been hard for them to say that at all, or they could have made an excuse. However they didn’t and it fact doubled down on their agreement by making plans with you both ! I think that for whatever reason they changed their mind- greed and/or annoyed it wouldn’t be just you but they should have just lived with it. You don’t say ‘it’s free’ and the say ‘oh actually, we’d like £500’. For me that would be it, I’d cancel and never see them again - but I am notorious for a grudge! Oh and I’d drink the whisky!

RosiePosieDozy · 29/08/2021 14:55

I wouldn't go. Text them and tell them you can't ask your friend for money now when you told her that there would be no charge, and you're going to give the stay a miss.

I definitely think the couple feel put out. They thought you, their friend, were coming to see them and now it's like you're getting a free holiday with your friend. No, they shouldn't have said what they did about there being no charge and your friend is their friend but they've obviously been thinking about the money they're missing out on.

Cabbagewhites · 29/08/2021 14:55

If you go, will you enjoy their company with this elephant in the room?

I’d privately decide not to go, but start by thanking them very much, asking how would they like to be paid the money, and tell them by the way your friend will not be coming any more. See what they say.
Will be interesting if they admit the £500 is just for your friend. At least you know the situation then if they ask you another time.

In the meantime cancel with your friend and plan to do something nice with her that week. Contact the Seattle friends again telling them there’s been a last minute change of plan e.g. you’re self isolating or something.

Go to Seattle on your own another time, if it looks like the invitation will stand in future.

AreYouReally · 29/08/2021 14:58

@pleasekeeptotheright

Hi friend,

I do appreciate you offering me use of your cottage and have been looking forward to seeing you. However, I had already told Leanne that there will be no cost for the trip and don't feel I can now go to her and request payment. We will make alternative plans.

Please rent out your cottage as normal and enjoy the charcuterie board I've arranged for you. Hopefully we will catch up next year. Take care, Sally.

Do this.

I think you changed things asking to take a friend.

Invite your friend to stay, send the whisky back or sell it, eat the things you have bought with friend.