Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
Suesheri · 31/08/2021 05:34

£500? That's an awful lot of fuel and more money than they could possibly ask if they really wanted you to come. If they normally pay an agent, and then tax, and then a cleaner, and then provide bedding and fuel, they will probably be making nearly as much from you as a paying guest. I suspect that they've probably realised too late that because of Covid, they could have rented it out ten times over on the week you will be there and are kicking themselves for loss of income. If they need the money, just go, enjoy the break but don't shower them with gifts or have dinner with them unless they insist. If you pull out now you will lose their friendship but you can make it as friendly or as cool as you decide. Beautiful holiday cottages are almost impossible to book this year and you can't put a value on friends. If you really value the friendship, just happily agree and go. If you really don't care that much about them, then have the holiday but treat it as any holiday let and do your own thing. If you can afford £250 (and your friend whose Greek trip was cancelled can definitely afford it), you are getting a bargain.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2021 05:48

I’m not sure if the not from settle friends really redeemed themselves eeek. I still think their story had a lot of holes in it. And I’m not sure the honourable thing would have been to expect op to part pay to be put up in someone else’s cottage. The story they spun to op seems far fetched and I wonder if indeed that cottage even existed.

PatchworkElmer · 31/08/2021 05:59

So glad it’s sorted OP!

Lanique · 31/08/2021 06:21

I really don't believe what the 'Settle' friends are saying - their story has more holes than a sieve. Still, you've got out of the situation now with friendship more or less intact. But I'd be wary of them in future.

Lanique · 31/08/2021 06:22

@Mummyoflittledragon

I’m not sure if the not from settle friends really redeemed themselves eeek. I still think their story had a lot of holes in it. And I’m not sure the honourable thing would have been to expect op to part pay to be put up in someone else’s cottage. The story they spun to op seems far fetched and I wonder if indeed that cottage even existed.
Agreed!
Buffoonborisisatwat · 31/08/2021 06:31

@ploomo

I phoned them. I said the mixed messages were unlike them and I wondered what was going on. Apparently there's been a cock-up: their DIL and her sister and children have been double-booked for the same week as us and there's been a face-off situation from the sound of it.

They would have had me to stay with them in their home if I'd been on my own but she says that she understands that me and not-going-to-Greece friend would prefer the independence of a separate space. Plus she says we were supposed to be having an adult-only get-together and she didn't think I'd appreciate having the grandchildren there. Which is absolutely true.

They know people in the area who have what she called a swanky holiday let and it's available for the week I and not-Greece friend are on leave. Apparently it has a hot tub and is 5*. They booked it provisionally, thinking that me and not-Greece friend could go there. My guess is that once DIL heard about it there were ructions. I have no idea how much a swanky cottage costs but along the way someone thought it was reasonable to get me/ us to put £500 up against the cost of the swanky place. Or maybe we would have paid £500 and got the garden cottage while the DIL got the swanky hot tub.

Anyway, Settle friend didn't say it wasn't her that sent yesterday's email but she hinted strongly that someone had acted without consulting her. How someone else can send an email from her account I don't know. I tried asking a couple of questions and she told me (nicely) not to go there because it was all too fraught.

Because of all the people on here telling me I was a CF for asking if my holiday-less friend could come along too I said that I assumed they had regretted saying yes to her and that was why they wanted money and she has assured me that no, my friend is very welcome, no problem at all, any friend of mine is a friend of theirs etc.

Anyway, I've called the trip off and I think she was relieved. It's too complicated. I had no idea whether we were still expected to pay or which place we'd end up in and if they are preoccupied with the grandchildren it'll be difficult to have quality adult time together.

Not-Greece-friend has already found cottages in Wells-by-the-Sea in Norfolk and near Salcombe and so all is not lost. And we have the whisky and an awful lot of chorizo and lardo etc to get through.

So I think it's an okay ending. I think everyone can walk away feeling phew, lucky escape. I had a large gin before making the call, by the way, and now a glass of wine so if this seems a bit incoherent it is.

@Words, would you please write the conversation Minty and Nigel had after my phone call. You should be writing sitcoms. Do you write sitcoms? Are you Graham Linehan? Off to get some food.

Excellent result. Saved faces all round and friendship salvaged. Have a lovely holiday in Wells next to sea and please come back with updates once you've stayed with Giles and minty (off season of course). Brilliant thread 😎
OverweightPidgeon · 31/08/2021 07:04

If they were double booked, why didn’t they just say so ? Seems a very odd way to go about it.

HasaDigaEebowai · 31/08/2021 07:04

Strange how what words guessed at (which wasn’t at all likely from the info given) turned out to be pretty much what happened. Who’d have thought it.

Yespresh · 31/08/2021 07:06

I’ve been reading this as Seattle all the way through. Doh!

IntermittentParps · 31/08/2021 09:00

I’m not buying it, she sent the email but doesn’t to admit it and she doesn’t to go there because her explanation eon’t stand up to scrutiny. I tend to agree. Or possibly her DH or DIL put pressure on her to send it and she caved rather than standing up to hem (DIL could have stayed at this swanky place, surely?)

ShallWeStartTheMeeting · 31/08/2021 09:11

I was getting Maris vibes the whole time...

AreYouReally · 31/08/2021 09:22

@Themeparklover

So are you the author of the article then? because settle vs elsewhere makes a huge difference in the price...
I've been thinking this. Something doesn't read right. What lazy journalism.
AreYouReally · 31/08/2021 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/08/2021 09:49

How on earth does anyone like @ploomo have the time to write these long essays about a fairly simple decision?

I still can't get my head around her saying it's the 'Settle area'. It's a tiny place in Yorkshire which very few people have heard of and it's not at all relevant to the dilemma.

And despite her protestations to the contrary, I still say she gave enough info for 'her friends' to be identified because Settle and the surrounding villages are small and quite remote.

Bideshi · 31/08/2021 10:09

@caughtinanet

Very tricky, would you be prepared to pay half if your friend was also prepared to? Could you explain the situation to them and see how they feel

I'd be a bit annoyed at the couple pretending that £500 was ro cover costs when it won't even be £50

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation the expenses will be more than £50. It doesn’t matter how immaculate the op says she’ll leave it it’ll still need to be deep cleaned. And then there’s the £1000 they are forgoing in a missed let for that week. I see where they’re coming from but they didn’t handle it well. Nor did the op though. Taking a friend isn’t in the spirit of the original (generous) invitation. Crossed lines.
wellstopdoingitthen · 31/08/2021 10:14

@Bideshi
I think you need to read the latest updates from OP.

phishy · 31/08/2021 10:20

@JinglingHellsBells

How on earth does anyone like *@ploomo* have the time to write these long essays about a fairly simple decision?

I still can't get my head around her saying it's the 'Settle area'. It's a tiny place in Yorkshire which very few people have heard of and it's not at all relevant to the dilemma.

And despite her protestations to the contrary, I still say she gave enough info for 'her friends' to be identified because Settle and the surrounding villages are small and quite remote.

How do you have the time to write lengthy response?
WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 31/08/2021 10:20

It is very strange to name a place. Particularly such a small place which would make a person more identifiable (even if its a different place)
Why even name a place. Its irrelevant to the aibu or to the story if that's what it is

phishy · 31/08/2021 10:22

Well given so many people have told OP she can get much more for her money than her friend’s cottage then I’d say it was very relevant.

MurielSpriggs · 31/08/2021 10:26

@JinglingHellsBells

How on earth does anyone like *@ploomo* have the time to write these long essays about a fairly simple decision?

I still can't get my head around her saying it's the 'Settle area'. It's a tiny place in Yorkshire which very few people have heard of and it's not at all relevant to the dilemma.

And despite her protestations to the contrary, I still say she gave enough info for 'her friends' to be identified because Settle and the surrounding villages are small and quite remote.

Like a wise poster, she has changed some of the unimportant details of her post. See her post of 23:42 last night. The couple concerned don't live in Settle, nor presumably anywhere near. What the newspaper has printed, and what might be on the Settle forums doesn't really matter. The people of Settle could be working themselves into a froth of speculation about something that actually happened hundreds of miles away Grin
MurielSpriggs · 31/08/2021 10:27

@WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld

It is very strange to name a place. Particularly such a small place which would make a person more identifiable (even if its a different place) Why even name a place. Its irrelevant to the aibu or to the story if that's what it is
I think it's an excellent idea, if only to punish lazy journalists!
Disneycharacter · 31/08/2021 10:57

I think they have been put out by you bringing a friend. It went from a free invite to you, where you could have spent a week catching up and doing things together, to you using their holiday home as a free (initially) base to enjoy the company of this other friend. You introduced the stranger idea to them and altered the dynamics.

So I think you have been unreasonable to have wanted a free ride for yourself and your friend. In fact I think you have been very rude.

DottyHarmer · 31/08/2021 11:10

Of course it’s not Settle! Giles and minty could be living next door to any of us…..

I knew a third party would be at the root of this. I can see that Giles and Minty could have put up OP in their own house but not her friend too. But they should have just cancelled “So sorry, family emergency!” rather than all the cloak and dagger stuff about another holiday cottage. Or perhaps it’s just all rubbish and they didn’t OP and friend there or someone has indeed offered to shell out £1k.

wellstopdoingitthen · 31/08/2021 11:19

@Disneycharacter
Would you please read the OP updates!
You've got it wrong!

Bideshi · 31/08/2021 11:19

[quote wellstopdoingitthen]@Bideshi
I think you need to read the latest updates from OP.[/quote]
Oh yeah. Still, theoretically speaking.......

Those of us who live in holiday-type places or who have holiday lets are fairly often faced with the to-charge-or-not-to-charge dilemma. Friends need to be tactful about how much piss is an appropriate amount to take.