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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want mil round same day I bring my baby home?

233 replies

mlj123 · 29/08/2021 13:19

Hi so this Thursday I am having a c section. I will be out on Friday. I can't have my 5 year olds ds at the hospital to visit me due to restrictions, which makes me feel sad. I know it's only 24 hours and he will be having loads of fun, but it's still going to be hard not having both my children there. When I got home from the hospital I was really just looking forward to having the 4 of us as a family, and didn't really want anyone else there until at least the day after. Anyway I feel that my dp seems to think that I'm being a bit silly and unreasonable. He says it doesn't make a difference if she comes round. For context my mil does do a lot for us. She has our ds for us whilst we work and comes pretty much everywhere with us since Fil passed away a couple of years ago she comes on all our holidays and trips and I see her almost everyday. She has always wanted a granddaughter ( she has 2 ds) and I know this means a lot to her. However my ds has already been showing signs of jealousy about baby and I really wanted this time to come home and just spend time as a family of 4 giving him lots of attention and getting him used to his sister as best I can for him. I feel if mil was there she wouldn't b able to contain her excitement and happiness and it might make ds feel even more jealous and excluded ( although I know she wouldn't purposely do this) she loves him to pieces. I just don't want all the attention to be on baby and want the attention at the start to be about my ds having time with his sister etc. When I tell dp I just want our little family for one day he says things like she is family and I'm being u fair to her. Aibu?

OP posts:
BabyLeaf · 29/08/2021 13:22

Definitely YANBU. As the person who is going through birth and recovery you get the final say here.

We didn’t introduce DS to people until he was 10 days old as I just really needed time to overcome the trauma of birth, get to grips with caring for him, feel like I could put bottoms on again, felt strong enough to be able to show him off and not break down. You have no way of knowing how the birth will go or how you and baby will be afterwards so I would be very clear you’re not making any plans and once baby is here you’ll let her know when is good to meet up.

MatildaTheCat · 29/08/2021 13:24

In view of how involved she is in your lives it does seem a bit mean to exclude her at this point. Usually I’d say YANBU but it’s a bit different. Why not tell her you’ll be playing it by ear and will let her know how you are both feeling?

If you do have her over you can stay in bed with the baby and tell her the midwife has told you visits must be very short.

RedHelenB · 29/08/2021 13:24

He may surprise you. Dd 1 was younger and I did everything by the book when she came to visit me in hospital, baby was in their cot I held open my arms for her and all she said was I want to hold my baby sister. Mil sounds integral to your lives so let her come.

Bloballbovish · 29/08/2021 13:25

Remind him that's its not just about the baby, it's about your medical recovery. You're the patient, you get to say who you want around you immediately after.

Concernedaboutgranny · 29/08/2021 13:25

Who is looking after the older one while you have your c section?

Cap89 · 29/08/2021 13:26

Yanbu. You’re talking one day! Lots of people keep visitors away for a week or more. I completely understand you wanting the space, we’re about to welcome a new one into our family and I also want the focus to be on our eldest so I completely understand. I think your dp has to compromise on this one and accept it is just one day, you’d be well within your rights to want a lot more time than that. It might be worth framing it more as you needing some personal space and quiet seeing as you will have just had major surgery.

What’s your mil like? Is she likely to kick up a fuss and is your dp trying to avoid dealing with it?

Popitdontstopit · 29/08/2021 13:26

You might find it useful to have someone there who can focus on the baby so you can give your dc1 more attention for a little while.

Mumdiva99 · 29/08/2021 13:27

I completely get what you are saying. Is there room for compromise? Can she pop I'm for 30 minutes....I'm assuming she will be looking after your son while you are in hospital. Let her come. Get a photo with the baby to show off to her friends and family. Have a cup of tea, then go home. She can then leave you alone for the next week.

Thesearmsofmine · 29/08/2021 13:30

Is she looking after your ds while in hospital? If she is and will be bringing him home then I would let her pop in for a few minutes.

Squ1ggle · 29/08/2021 13:32

@Popitdontstopit

You might find it useful to have someone there who can focus on the baby so you can give your dc1 more attention for a little while.
I was going to say the same. As MIL is so involved in your life it does seem quite harsh to exclude her. Although you would not be unreasonable to insist on it being just the 4 of you, she could allow you to make a huge fuss of DC1 when you come home whilst giving her time with the new baby.
User5827372728 · 29/08/2021 13:33

Can’t you explain your fears to her so when she arrives she makes a huge deal of your son and almost ignores the baby!

My friend asked me to do this when she had twin babies!

SeaToSki · 29/08/2021 13:34

I would tell MiL your thoughts about DS being jealous and see what she thinks. She may well agree and come over to take DS out for a special treat as he is a BIG brother and able to do fun things with Grandma where as babies have to stay at home and sleep. Then she can say a quick hello to the baby. If she just take DS out for an icecream and a play at the park for an hour, you and DH get a bit of a break with just DD and the rest of the day with just the four of you

FizzyTango · 29/08/2021 13:37

Yes can you not talk to your MIL and explain? She could even come, but try to help smooth things over with your son and the new baby - get him involved?
I agree if she makes a fuss of the new baby it’s really not going to help the situation. But hopefully as she is so involved in your life you can be honest with her and she will want to do the best thing for you?

Aria2015 · 29/08/2021 13:38

If you're worried about jealousy, having her there could actually work to your advantage. When I came home with dc2 for the first time, my in-laws were there as they were looking after dc1 (who was actually 5 too at the time) while I'd been in hospital. While they held and fussed over the baby, I was free to fuss over dc 1, giving him loads of my attention and lots of cuddles etc... You could do the same. Let your mil hold and fuss over the baby while you focus your attention on your dc1. It's your attention he'll want anyway.

Knittingupastorm · 29/08/2021 13:38

It’s sounds like you get on well with MIL, and the issue you’re concerned about with jealousy will occur whether it’s the same day or the next day so regardless of what you decide, you should talk to MIL about this beforehand.

Original poster
mlj123 · 29/08/2021 13:39

Mil is looking after ds whilst we are at the hospital. We have between us planned a special day for him, he's gonna have his friend see him and treats and a movie etc.I asked my dp if he could drop us home then go and collect ds. He wanted us all to go to mils house to get him, which I didn't really want. I want my ds to meet his sister in his own house just the 4 of us. Also bil and sil live with mil so it will b too many people. I don't wanna overwhelm my ds. I suppose I just had this nice image in my head of just the 4 of us. Especially since he can't come to the hospital. I'm open to visitors the next day I just wanted a day

OP posts:
Original poster
mlj123 · 29/08/2021 13:41

Also when I had my ds I didn't really want her there the same day I wanted just me ds and do. But dp wanted her there and involved and I ended up backing down and allowing her to visit just to please everyone else. This time I really wanna consider ds and his feelings b4 anyone else

OP posts:
thefourgp · 29/08/2021 13:41

She’s heavily involved in your lives so I think yabu. Why not have her there for a few hours on the day you come home and insist on no visitors for at least a day or two after that?

GarnetsandRubies · 29/08/2021 13:41

And let's not forget you will be in pain from the surgery! Don't let them persuade you otherwise OP. Yanbu at all

l2b2 · 29/08/2021 13:42

In view of the fact that she is looking after your son then YAB very U.

Blossomtoes · 29/08/2021 13:43

As MIL is so involved in your life it does seem quite harsh to exclude her. Although you would not be unreasonable to insist on it being just the 4 of you, she could allow you to make a huge fuss of DC1 when you come home whilst giving her time with the new baby

This is spot on. It kills two birds with one stone.

thefourgp · 29/08/2021 13:44

I wouldn’t go to her house though. You shouldn’t have to make any visits on your first day home.

BigPyjamas · 29/08/2021 13:45

YABU, let the woman pop round for an hour.

She can coo over the baby and give a big sibling gift to your elder. If the sibling is going to be jealous of the baby they'll be jealous at day 1 or day 3, makes no difference.

Original poster
mlj123 · 29/08/2021 13:47

I probably won't be out of the hospital until the Friday evening. I'm open to her visiting Saturday. Is it really being vu to want that evening just as a family of 4 and to want to use that time to make ds comfortable with his sister?

OP posts:
pommepommefrites · 29/08/2021 13:47

Yanbu the last thing you need after a c section is the pressure of pleasing other people, just focus on you and Ds and baby, dp can step up and do his bit it's only 24 hours and I'm sure if you told mil your fears she would completely understand.