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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want mil round same day I bring my baby home?

233 replies

mlj123 · 29/08/2021 13:19

Hi so this Thursday I am having a c section. I will be out on Friday. I can't have my 5 year olds ds at the hospital to visit me due to restrictions, which makes me feel sad. I know it's only 24 hours and he will be having loads of fun, but it's still going to be hard not having both my children there. When I got home from the hospital I was really just looking forward to having the 4 of us as a family, and didn't really want anyone else there until at least the day after. Anyway I feel that my dp seems to think that I'm being a bit silly and unreasonable. He says it doesn't make a difference if she comes round. For context my mil does do a lot for us. She has our ds for us whilst we work and comes pretty much everywhere with us since Fil passed away a couple of years ago she comes on all our holidays and trips and I see her almost everyday. She has always wanted a granddaughter ( she has 2 ds) and I know this means a lot to her. However my ds has already been showing signs of jealousy about baby and I really wanted this time to come home and just spend time as a family of 4 giving him lots of attention and getting him used to his sister as best I can for him. I feel if mil was there she wouldn't b able to contain her excitement and happiness and it might make ds feel even more jealous and excluded ( although I know she wouldn't purposely do this) she loves him to pieces. I just don't want all the attention to be on baby and want the attention at the start to be about my ds having time with his sister etc. When I tell dp I just want our little family for one day he says things like she is family and I'm being u fair to her. Aibu?

OP posts:
Peanutsandchilli · 29/08/2021 15:36

You're clearly going to do as you please so why bother asking on here? Yes, you're being unreasonable not to allow her to meet her grandaughter for an hour, when she's done so much for you by looking after your son.

Blossomtoes · 29/08/2021 15:43

After your last update, I’d be kicking your useless partner out and moving Mil in.

Original poster
mlj123 · 29/08/2021 15:44

@twinningatlife

So she provides free child care but is expected to drop DS off at the door and not come in and see her newest grandchild? Presumably you'll then want her to provide free childcare for the new baby after maternity leave......so yes YABU

If she was your own mother would your stance be different? Or is just because she is your MIL?

No I don't want her to have to do so much. I am looking at re training and getting a job that means I can look after my own children. I really want to have my own kids and mil should b able to have a relationship with her gc where she can come to holidays with us and days out, overnight stays etc but is not having to do the childcare. People think that I'm just expecting her to do all the childcare for us and I'm being so unfair to her for wanting a few hours just as a family. I invite her to almost everything we do and it's just expected now that whatever we do she will be more than welcome to be involved. I invited her to be there soon as my ds was born even though I wanted a bit of time just the 3 of us and this time around my only concern is ds otherwise I would have just backed down already and let her come. That's y I'm asking obviously I'm still considering the fact that I might have her there. I just need ds to be priority and happy this time around as that's the main thing.
OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 29/08/2021 15:49

You're married to a selfish twat who can't parent his own children. What's the point of being with him?

aginandtonic · 29/08/2021 15:50

Your ds will either go to bed on Friday night and miss out on new family of four time (which I expect is over-glamorised and will be a disappointment.) Or he'll meet baby on Saturday morning. Either way, mil can hold the newborn while you and DH spend time with your son. Should be a win win as you expect he'll be jealous. There will be massive amounts of family time ahead, including mil briefly would be kind and could be surprisingly helpful.

diddl · 29/08/2021 15:53

I was just thinking that your determination to see your MIL when you want to seems to be directly related to the fact that you gave into what your husband wanted last time.

Surely she doesn't "have" to do so much as you could be paying for childcare?

Why has MIL been doing childcare on holidays & days out when there has just been the one child with two parents there?

Your husband sounds horrible & it dies sound as if he wants his mum ther so that he doen't have to parent.

Datsandcogs · 29/08/2021 15:55

I can understand wanting a quiet introduction between your children but it sounds as if your MIL does a huge amount for you. Could you suggest she comes over later in the day (if you are home early enough) if DS and DD have settled well?

But more than that you have a massive DH problem. Paternal leave is for settling the family and helping out not exercising. You’re having a CS, he needs to do all the school runs for both weeks, if you still need help when he goes back to work then hopefully your MIL can help at that stage. Your DH is an arse to think he can go to the gym whilst his mother covers his responsibilities. Get his attitude adjusted now, spell it out in simp,e, very clear terms.

diddl · 29/08/2021 15:58

I can't help wishing that MIL would see this & take herself off for a few days so that your husband has to step up.

Original poster
mlj123 · 29/08/2021 16:01

@diddl

I was just thinking that your determination to see your MIL when you want to seems to be directly related to the fact that you gave into what your husband wanted last time.

Surely she doesn't "have" to do so much as you could be paying for childcare?

Why has MIL been doing childcare on holidays & days out when there has just been the one child with two parents there?

Your husband sounds horrible & it dies sound as if he wants his mum ther so that he doen't have to parent.

She doesn't do the childcare on holidays or days out. I usually do it. She will sometimes come over and say do you want me to take over now. Since my dp doesn't really bother and just carries on lying there sunning himself etc but I don't ask her to do anything I love being with my ds and I want to do all these things with him. We invite mil since now she doesn't really have anyone else to holiday with since fil passed away. She just looks after ds when I work. Sometimes I work when he is at school tho and sometimes weekends and he goes out with my mum. I work in hospitality so have different shifts, so he isn't always there.
OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/08/2021 16:03

I’d be gutted if I had provided you with free childcare whilst you worked, had your child when in labour and then was excluded from seeing the new baby when collecting the elder one. I’d feel good enough when needed only.

diddl · 29/08/2021 16:06

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d be gutted if I had provided you with free childcare whilst you worked, had your child when in labour and then was excluded from seeing the new baby when collecting the elder one. I’d feel good enough when needed only.
But if you were helping because you want to, why would waiting a few hours bother you so much?

I wonder how much MIL really wants to help & how much she feels she has to to pick up after her son?

Ourlady · 29/08/2021 16:10

I can't get over what a selfish lazy twat your husband is.
HE is the problem (big problem) not your MIL who sounds utterly lovely.
Tell him you're doing jt your way and he needs to step up and be a supportive parent and husband.

CanofCant · 29/08/2021 16:11

Ah so your husband is the problem. He can't cope without his mum being a buffer, sorting everything out and generally picking up his slack. At least he can get to the gym though.

YANBU.

Original poster
mlj123 · 29/08/2021 16:14

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d be gutted if I had provided you with free childcare whilst you worked, had your child when in labour and then was excluded from seeing the new baby when collecting the elder one. I’d feel good enough when needed only.
Mil wanted to do the childcare this was her idea and she kept asking and asking when I was pregnant to look after him. He is her only gc and she wanted gc for ages. She loves having him. She is not only good enough when needed like I say I invite her everywhere with us. If she doesn't want to come or has plans she doesn't have to but she enjoys coming out. Just this week she has been to the cinema with us and to watch ds swimming lesson. I keep saying that my only concern is ds being jealous and I want that time getting him used to his sister without any visitors. I am literally only talking a couple of hours as if I get home early I can spend a couple of hours just us then have her round later on and if I get home late it would literally be the next morning. I was hoping dp would pick ds up and bring him home
OP posts:
Popitdontstopit · 29/08/2021 16:16

Do you honestly think he will be on board with the settling in time for the four of you - he would have to look out for at least one of his dc and doesn't sound like he'd be keen on that? I hope he is a better man than he has appeared on here.

CanofCant · 29/08/2021 16:16

Just read your updates and he sounds like a waste of space. How do you manage not to be filled with seething resentment towards him? Do you think this will be sustainable once you have a DS, a newborn and you are recovering from surgery? Won't you get increasingly pissed off everytime your lovely MIL is filling in for your lazy husband? It would kill any love off I had for my husband of he had checked out like that and got his mum to stand in for him.

Sorry, I know you are probably feeling stressed and vulnerable already but he should really be pulling his weight and giving you more of himself.

Popitdontstopit · 29/08/2021 16:18

The jealousy thing is long term, it won't be sorted in one day. I don't like the idea of the group of people all there if you go to collect your son on the way home. I wouldn't do that. I don't think a car journey is a good intro either. Get dropped off at home and dh can go to collect your son - or have mil drop him off with you if she drives and come in for ten minutes or so.

Popitdontstopit · 29/08/2021 16:19

Great time to put your foot down and make changes - when he said about the gym, did you say what a shame, that can't happen on Monday though as you are needed to take dc to school.

Tulips15 · 29/08/2021 16:21

I agree with you.

Tell ( not ask) your MIl you cat wait to see her on the weekend and you cant wait to just spend a few quiet days as a family of 4.

You have to tell her straight though

CanofCant · 29/08/2021 16:23

He does rely on her a lot ( although she does a lot for both of us) he isn't really very hands on tbh. I told him today that as my ds goes bk to school the following Monday he will need to take us as since I just had surgery I might not be able to walk very far with a pram and a 5 year old. He told me he will be in the gym in the mornings ( he usually does go 4 times a week) and he will get his mum to take us😡. He's also got 2 weeks paternity leave and has been looking at hotels away and stuff for a night, I told him I will not b taking a newborn to a hotel so soon after being born and he sed no he was thinking about just the 2 of us🤦‍♀️. When I told him that that won't b happening he is saying he'll probably go back to work after a week instead of taking the 2 weeks off. He is very selfish and maybe that is why his mum steps In because she can see he's not doing his part. I have a great relationship with mil and I do invite her to a lot of stuff too. I invite her to days out, to watch his swimming lessons etc because I know she enjoys coming and ds really likes her there too. But I feel from my dp point of view it's convenient for him not to have to do much.

I've just reread this and it's really not okay. What fucking planet is he living on?! He wants to go to a hotel with just you, leaving your newborn at home? Not to mention you will be recovering from a section? He then decides it's not worth his time taking paternity leave as you won't fall in line with his plans? He's a fucking prick.

Once you have retrained and are in a stronger position a year or so down the line I think you will cut this dead weight from your life.

diddl · 29/08/2021 16:24

Just a couple of hours as a 4 of you won't do anything towardsyour son adjusting/not feeling jealous though.

If you just want some quiet time when you first get out of hospital & not have MIL there fussing after either baby or 5yr old or doing what your husband should be though that's fine.

You can't be doing with anyone else there & that's OK.

diddl · 29/08/2021 16:25

I'm guessing that your own mum wouldn't be available?

BeyondMyWits · 29/08/2021 16:27

When I brought mine home the day after a CS I was so whacked up on pain medication that I barely said a word to anyone, let alone have a "special time" just for our family. I was glad to have the in laws there to take over. All I had to do was feed the baby. Then a couple of days later they all left us to enjoy some special time when I actually felt up to it.

Every birth is different, don't build up the "magic" in your head beforehand or it can trigger disappointment if it simply cannot be as you wish it.

Original poster
mlj123 · 29/08/2021 16:28

@Popitdontstopit

Great time to put your foot down and make changes - when he said about the gym, did you say what a shame, that can't happen on Monday though as you are needed to take dc to school.
No he has said he will be at the gym and that's it. He always goes the the gym and won't change his routine. He says it's not an issue as it's just a couple of hours in the mornings, 4 times a week. And then he will be home,( and mil can just do it anyway so what's the problem🤦‍♀️) I will just have to manage myself. He isn't a bad do or bad df he loves us he is just not very hands on and doesn't let anything inconvenience his routines and doing the things he wants. Which when you have children unfortunately you have to make sacrifices and can't do everything you did b4 you were a parent that's what he doesn't seem to get or isn't willing to change.
OP posts:
crazycatbaby · 29/08/2021 16:29

I couldn't have survived the first few days post section without my MIL, husband and 3 year old were poorly and I was home the next day feeling like I was dying. I asked her to stay when she dropped our little boy off, and she stayed over, helped me with the baby, giving me my meds, bringing me the baby to feed after she had changed her etc while my husband was with our son. Not sure what I would have done without her!

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