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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want mil round same day I bring my baby home?

233 replies

mlj123 · 29/08/2021 13:19

Hi so this Thursday I am having a c section. I will be out on Friday. I can't have my 5 year olds ds at the hospital to visit me due to restrictions, which makes me feel sad. I know it's only 24 hours and he will be having loads of fun, but it's still going to be hard not having both my children there. When I got home from the hospital I was really just looking forward to having the 4 of us as a family, and didn't really want anyone else there until at least the day after. Anyway I feel that my dp seems to think that I'm being a bit silly and unreasonable. He says it doesn't make a difference if she comes round. For context my mil does do a lot for us. She has our ds for us whilst we work and comes pretty much everywhere with us since Fil passed away a couple of years ago she comes on all our holidays and trips and I see her almost everyday. She has always wanted a granddaughter ( she has 2 ds) and I know this means a lot to her. However my ds has already been showing signs of jealousy about baby and I really wanted this time to come home and just spend time as a family of 4 giving him lots of attention and getting him used to his sister as best I can for him. I feel if mil was there she wouldn't b able to contain her excitement and happiness and it might make ds feel even more jealous and excluded ( although I know she wouldn't purposely do this) she loves him to pieces. I just don't want all the attention to be on baby and want the attention at the start to be about my ds having time with his sister etc. When I tell dp I just want our little family for one day he says things like she is family and I'm being u fair to her. Aibu?

OP posts:

LaBellina · 29/08/2021 14:55

Yanbu. Your dh can decide what he wants to do, when he’s the one growing and delivering the next baby..
^^ this

What is it with male entitlement these days

shouldistop · 29/08/2021 14:56

I appreciate what labour and recovery is like, but to be honest, that made me want people around even more so. It was great having people fuss over me, making my drinks, sorting a bottle for DS, whilst I got to relax on the sofa after such a tiring few days.

Everyone's different though, I really like my MIL but the thought of having her (or my own mum) fuss over me while I was trying to establish feeding with a newborn makes me feel irrationally annoyed.
I'm the type of person that wants to be left alone if feeling upset or unwell though.

Ozanj · 29/08/2021 14:57

If she’s not around Both you and your DH will be focussed on the baby because that’s always how it goes when you bring them home from hospital. At least if your mil is there she can take baby for a bit and you and your DH can focus on your DS.

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 29/08/2021 15:00

This annoys me:
He says it doesn't make a difference if she comes round.

he can’t speak for you on that.

MissM2912 · 29/08/2021 15:03

Don’t exclude her. It will cause issues further down the line. Not worth it.

shouldistop · 29/08/2021 15:04

If it causes issues down the line for someone not to visit the day op gets home with a newborn after major surgery then I'd suggest the problem is not with op.

LaBellina · 29/08/2021 15:05

@shouldistop

If it causes issues down the line for someone not to visit the day op gets home with a newborn after major surgery then I'd suggest the problem is not with op.

Agreed

MissM2912 · 29/08/2021 15:08

That may well be true- but is it worth it?? Why have added friction for the sake of a short visit? Granny minds eldest child and is very involved- to exclude at this point will feel like a kick in the teeth and sour relations. Personally I don’t think it is worth that.

shouldistop · 29/08/2021 15:11

It's not excluding asking her to visit the following day though. Most normal people wouldn't expect to visit the minute someone arrived home.

diddl · 29/08/2021 15:11

Who is actually driving it that MIL sees you & baby as soon as you get out of hospital?

She does a lot for you but it also sounds as if you do a lot for her & I'm sure she wouldn't want to upset things for the sake of a few hours wait.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 29/08/2021 15:13

She’s very involved in your lives - I mean she’s liking after your DS whilst you’re in hospital, you see her all the time. Honestly, it won’t make any difference to your DS. I wouldnt build this perfect image up in your mind of the “special family time” as it may well not happen anything like that. Your DS might be tired, clingy, annoying, want to run around outside, ask to go the playground, or demand tv, or may literally not be bothered about the new baby at all! You just don’t know. Also..atm you’re a mother of one, and in reality you don’t know how you’ll feel after the c section. I know before my 3 c sections I was desperate to get home after the birth and create lovely little images like you talk about..in reality I got home and was so tired I couldn’t muster a sentence, and whilst my husband was making me tea and snacks etc, my sister got my toddlers dressed and took them out. So maybe just wait and see how you feel xx

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/08/2021 15:13

I had the conversation with mil prior to this and explained that he seems a bit jealous every time anything to do with baby comes up and it would probably be best for us to have just one day together as a family getting him settled in with his sister. Which she understands and is ok with. It's mainly my dp saying it's unfair on her.

If MIL is OK with what you want and why, why isn't she telling DH that she understands and she's happy with it?

Original poster

mlj123 · 29/08/2021 15:17

Mil is ok with coming the next day. It was just a conversation with dp about it that made me think I'm bu when he sed it's not fair on mil to have her come the next day. If I'm bu then I'm bu and I will take that on board along with all the comments and think about it. Ds does get jealous tho even when he's there and her cat goes onto mils knee he tries to push her off so he can have all the attention🤦‍♀️ I am worried about how he will feel when baby comes.

OP posts:

MzHz · 29/08/2021 15:19

@mlj123

Also when I had my ds I didn't really want her there the same day I wanted just me ds and do. But dp wanted her there and involved and I ended up backing down and allowing her to visit just to please everyone else. This time I really wanna consider ds and his feelings b4 anyone else

This is the key point here

“Do, with respect, I did it your way to please everyone last time and it was absolutely not what I wanted. This time I know what I want and as I’m the one going through it all, i do have final say on this point. Just go and pick DS up and bring him home, we can arrange for the rest of the family to meet him after that, there’s plenty of time for that, but I don’t want to get this wrong again, and definitely not wrong for DS,”

Farwest · 29/08/2021 15:19

Some of these comments are bonkers. Of course YANBU. And even if YABU, if there is a day to get away with it, it's the day after someone cut you open and lifted a baby out!

Who gives a flying fuck what MIL wants in this situation? Or even your dh. This is totally and only your call, as the one undergoing pregnancy and surgery.

Stop making excuses and bargaining, and if your dh dismisses your feelings as 'silly', tell him to get to fuck with the patronising nonsense.

Your ds will be fine however this goes down, so stop using him to justify your position. YOU matter. Your wishes matter. You have grown this baby and you will give birth.

Tell MIL that you don't know how you will feel after the surgery and will call her as soon as you feel well enough to show off the little one. Repeat that line as often as necessary and never waver.

pleasekeeptotheright · 29/08/2021 15:20

Stop making such a big deal out of things. If she's around all the time anyway then it won't make a difference to your DS, it'll be familiar and normal to him.

She does all of your childcare while you work etc. and comes on holiday with you but she can't see her new GC because you've got some fairytale going on in your head?

Original poster

mlj123 · 29/08/2021 15:20

@Feedingthebirds1

If MIL is OK with what you want and why, why isn't she telling DH that she understands and she's happy with it?

I'm sure she understands but still would sooner be there straight away if she had her choice. When ds was born and I agreed to let her visit she was there as soon as i came out of recovery and visitors were allowed.

OP posts:

MzHz · 29/08/2021 15:22

Is you dp going to make all the arrangements for his family to meet your new baby? Will he be doing all hosting? Food? Prep and cleaning up?

Crack on, but even then you may still be too tired for it all. Tell him to think about this, plan out how he thinks it will be and then you can decide if it’s doable or not

His mum can come over the next day as long as you’re up to it, she’s ok with it, that’s all that matters

OhWhyNot · 29/08/2021 15:23

You have plenty of time just the four of you. I think it would be mean

I think it’s very strange (and seems popular on MN but don’t know anyone who is like this) that anyone would actively keep close family away and is very odd when they are so relied on

Babies being so much happiness to families and there is so much love for them especially form grandparents that obviously do adore their grandchildren (and just mention to her about your worries about your ds)

sleepylittlebunnies · 29/08/2021 15:24

OP has discussed it with MIL who understands and is ok with the situation so DH needs to stop pressuring his wife, who will have just been through major surgery.

His mum will meet the baby the next day and is fine with that, she sounds involved without being overbearing. DH should try and enjoy a short time with his newly expanded family. Is he worried about having to look after you or too used to MIL helping out and not having to do much himself? He seems a bit selfish in this situation.

DoubleTweenQueen · 29/08/2021 15:29

@mlj123 My MIL died suddenly, 6weeks after dd2 was born, at New Year. She came to us for Christmas - I wasn’t keen - extra catering with an almost 3yr old and a new-born was a bit fraught and I was a bit stressed. However, she was a good-hearted woman who just wanted to spend special time with her two sons & her only grandchildren.

She was hale & hearty, and died after a massive stroke a few days after returning home, completely without warning. We have photos from the Christmas with her and dd2 - now very precious - and her soft toy gift which is treasured.

What I want to say is - talk to your MIL. Explain how you need the homecoming to be, particularly in light of your ds’s misgivings. Open yourself to her, as a mother. Let her in and let her support you and your family, if you can possibly see a way it could work out, because you truly never know what’s around the corner.

Fernando072020 · 29/08/2021 15:33

Yanbu. My mil came immediately once I got out the hospital (after a week in and lots of stress) and stayed the weekend. I haven't gotten over it since 🤷🏼‍♀️
She can wait a day

Original poster

mlj123 · 29/08/2021 15:35

@sleepylittlebunnies

OP has discussed it with MIL who understands and is ok with the situation so DH needs to stop pressuring his wife, who will have just been through major surgery.

He does rely on her a lot ( although she does a lot for both of us) he isn't really very hands on tbh. I told him today that as my ds goes bk to school the following Monday he will need to take us as since I just had surgery I might not be able to walk very far with a pram and a 5 year old. He told me he will be in the gym in the mornings ( he usually does go 4 times a week) and he will get his mum to take us😡. He's also got 2 weeks paternity leave and has been looking at hotels away and stuff for a night, I told him I will not b taking a newborn to a hotel so soon after being born and he sed no he was thinking about just the 2 of us🤦‍♀️. When I told him that that won't b happening he is saying he'll probably go back to work after a week instead of taking the 2 weeks off. He is very selfish and maybe that is why his mum steps In because she can see he's not doing his part. I have a great relationship with mil and I do invite her to a lot of stuff too. I invite her to days out, to watch his swimming lessons etc because I know she enjoys coming and ds really likes her there too. But I feel from my dp point of view it's convenient for him not to have to do much.

OP posts:

RosieLemonade · 29/08/2021 15:35

Is it normal (non-covid times) for older siblings to be at the hospital when their mum has the next sibling?

twinningatlife · 29/08/2021 15:35

So she provides free child care but is expected to drop DS off at the door and not come in and see her newest grandchild? Presumably you'll then want her to provide free childcare for the new baby after maternity leave......so yes YABU

If she was your own mother would your stance be different? Or is just because she is your MIL?

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