To not want mil round same day I bring my baby home?

[mlj123]

Hi so this Thursday I am having a c section. I will be out on Friday. I can't have my 5 year olds ds at the hospital to visit me due to restrictions, which makes me feel sad. I know it's only 24 hours and he will be having loads of fun, but it's still going to be hard not having both my children there. When I got home from the hospital I was really just looking forward to having the 4 of us as a family, and didn't really want anyone else there until at least the day after. Anyway I feel that my dp seems to think that I'm being a bit silly and unreasonable. He says it doesn't make a difference if she comes round. For context my mil does do a lot for us. She has our ds for us whilst we work and comes pretty much everywhere with us since Fil passed away a couple of years ago she comes on all our holidays and trips and I see her almost everyday. She has always wanted a granddaughter ( she has 2 ds) and I know this means a lot to her. However my ds has already been showing signs of jealousy about baby and I really wanted this time to come home and just spend time as a family of 4 giving him lots of attention and getting him used to his sister as best I can for him. I feel if mil was there she wouldn't b able to contain her excitement and happiness and it might make ds feel even more jealous and excluded ( although I know she wouldn't purposely do this) she loves him to pieces. I just don't want all the attention to be on baby and want the attention at the start to be about my ds having time with his sister etc. When I tell dp I just want our little family for one day he says things like she is family and I'm being u fair to her. Aibu?

@diddl

I'm guessing that your own mum wouldn't be available?

Yes my mum is off work in the holidays too. I just wanted visitors the day after I came home really. To get a little bit of family time and just the 4 of us and for ds to adjust. My mum would also love to come around and see baby as soon as she can.

You're clearly going to do as you please

Why shouldn't she? She'll have had major abdominal surgery and is just asking if MIL can come round the next day rather than the minute she gets home, she's not serving a bloody restraining order on her.

To be honest @mlj123, you’re concocting a fairy tale that isn’t going to happen because you haven’t got a prince, you’ve got a frog. My money’s on everything going much more smoothly next week if you Mil brings your son home and stays for a bit to support you and help with your son. I can’t see your frog helping much.

Totally do not think YABU. You are entitled to do whatever you want to do. To be honest I only had an induction earlier this year but when I got home all I wanted was my own house, a shower and my pjs then all of the quality time with my partner and LO. We only had a dog previously (although spoilt like a child and we were worried about jealousy) and I told family we needed time to adjust before visitors and everyone was fine. I am super close to my family and they live close by, they didn’t feel slighted and completely understood. We had a much nicer time once I was rested. I definitely would not be going in a car to someone else’s house after a C section! I’m also usually really easy going and accommodating btw so this was really the first time I held my ground but I was sure i needed that time.

I meant your mum to look after your son whilst you have your CS if that would have prevented all this drama?

Presumably your OH will be with you?

I can’t believe there are people trying to convince OP she’s BU or to even compromise.

She could be the loveliest, most supportive and exceptional MiL (or friend or family member) in the world but if the person who has just had surgery to deliver their new baby wants one day of respite with just her son and husband that is the end of the conversation.

I’m shocked the partner is trying to convince otherwise too.

I’m about to have my baby (due this week) and I said to hubby I wasn’t sure if I wanted people round ASAP Ive discussed leaving it a day or a couple of days etc as I’m just not sure. for ref very close to family and MIL very supportive.

he’s just said “whatever you want it depends on how you’re feeling just let me know and I’ll tell the fam” and that’s that! No pressure about disappointing them or upsetting them just recognition that I’m gonna be in a pretty delicate place so might need a few days just us!

He absolutely is a shit dad if he won't take his son to school & maybe won't even take 2wks to be with his newborn.

Yanbu. Of course its not unreasonable.

So how's it going to work? Dh collects you whilst your MiL is home with your ds. Then you and baby walk in the front door and she goes out the back?

@diddl

I meant your mum to look after your son whilst you have your CS if that would have prevented all this drama?

Presumably your OH will be with you?

Yes my dp will b with me. My mum could have had ds but she lives a bit further away. Not too far but doesn't drive so would it would mean that we l would have to collect ds on way home from hospital and then everyone at my mums house( 5 siblings) would get to meet baby at same time as ds and that would be even harder. Or dp has to drop me at home and go back on himself and go further to pick up ds

Yeah, your husband is one coming off as a bit of a stupid cunt here. He wants to force you to trot yourself out to visit other people 24 hours after having a section, he’s refusing to amend his own precious routine for his wife and newborn daughter, he’s emotionally blackmailing you saying he may as well go back to work after a week unless you go on a dirty night away in a hotel (inside two weeks of having a section, is he on fucking glue?!) and he frankly sounds like a self-invested waste of space.

When you’ve got that twat overriding all of your wishes during your last birth, I do understand why you feel the need to take a stand.

@Porcupineintherough

So how's it going to work? Dh collects you whilst your MiL is home with your ds. Then you and baby walk in the front door and she goes out the back?

I don't live with mil. Ds will be at her house. Dp would drop me and dd home then go and collect ds bring him home then she would visit either later on that day or next morning depending on what time I get home

As someone who has done a second section, trust me, you'll be glad she's popped when you are just home. Let her hold her granddaughter while you are busy having cuddles with DS. She can sit for half an hour while DH is bringing in your hospital bag etc.. I would rather this than have her itching to come over asap the next day. She can have her introduction then leave you all to settle in together. The next day you are still pretty numb from the drugs I find day 3 is when things start needing together and the pain really kicks in plus you don't really sleep your first night home. Next visit she's less about her first hold and this may help DS feel less jealous

OP YANBU at all. I had my second section with DC2 this week. It was an afternoon section and I ended up spending two nights in hospital needing additional pain relief which was completely unexpected as I felt fine within 24 hours of having my first.

Asking your MIL to wait a day to meet your baby is completely reasonable. You don’t know how you will feel and will have a newborn and post surgery body to deal with. Any adult who thinks allowing a new mother 24 hours to herself is excluding another person is completely ridiculous. If you get to prioritise your own wants and feelings at any time in your life it is post childbirth!

I came on to say if you don't want your MiL there then tell your husband if he ever has major surgery you will invite one of his family round when hes in pain recovering as soon as he gets home.

However reading all your updates like this '. He isn't a bad do or bad df he loves us he is just not very hands on and doesn't let anything inconvenience his routines and doing the things he wants' it sounds like you will need support, it sounds like your MiL treats you more like family than he does.

Also if it's all about your son...she can cuddle the baby while you do something normal with your son surely

OP don’t listen to PP saying your husband sounds useless. I don’t think it’s true and it’s definitely not helpful.

When I had young children my own parents were very hands on and I was very happy to hand over children and have a rest. It didn’t make me a crap parent or partner so I don’t think it makes your DH one either. It obviously works for all of you so that is what matters.

As you and your MIL are both happy with her coming the next morning, just say to DH, ‘me and your mum have chatted and she is really happy coming over the next morning. Why don’t you pop out and get some nice cakes to have with a cuppa to say thank you for having DS yesterday’.

That way he is doing something to make his mum feel special but at the same time you are getting what you want too.

It's just the first time ds will
Meet his sister I want it all to go well. Ideally since I will have had dd with me for the full 2 days in hospital I was just hoping to put her In her crib as soon as I see ds coming and have lots of cuddles with him and then ask him if he wants to hold his sister etc at his pace. Not to have anyone else there coming purely to see baby, smiling and picking her up and making him feel resentful of her soon as he comes through the door. I know I will have visitors the next day but I just don't want the first time he meets his sister to be about everyone else meeting her and taking all the attention away from him

I thought you couldn’t lift anything, even the baby, for 6wks post csection? Is that still not the case?

If it IS the case, is your DP going to be bringing baby to you for feeds in the night, during the day, nappy changes etc? Because it sure as fuck doesn’t sound like it if he can’t even be bothered to take his own DS to school!

If dp went and picked ds up I could feed and change her whilst he's doing that then pop her down and cuddle him and let him set the pace of how he wants to be with her whether he wants to pick her up and cuddle her etc

@Rinoachicken

I thought you couldn’t lift anything, even the baby, for 6wks post csection? Is that still not the case?

If it IS the case, is your DP going to be bringing baby to you for feeds in the night, during the day, nappy changes etc? Because it sure as fuck doesn’t sound like it if he can’t even be bothered to take his own DS to school!

I lifted my ds when he was born😂. I lifted plenty of things, hoover, baby bath full of water to empty it when it was full. Dp did help with dishes and making me food etc but not all the cleaning was getting done the way I wanted it and it drove me mad. It only took a few days for me to b fed up of looking at the mess to get up and do it.

When my first came to see me & my second in hospital, he took a look in the cot, said "is that it"? and went back to his Dad

You’re way overthinking the first meeting!!
Honestly, mine were more interested in what id had to eat at the hospital and what they were going to have for dinner that night. If there are going to be jealousy issues it’ll be over a longer time period. I would focus less on the initial meeting and more on how to make things calm and balanced during your maternity leave - balancing feeding with playing with your 5 year old, doing reading with them if you have an upset baby, after school activities during baby’s naptime, going to the playground on 3 hours sleep.. all of those things are way more the reality of managing jealousy between siblings than a 2 hour meeting between your children. Xxx

@mlj123

If dp went and picked ds up I could feed and change her whilst he's doing that then pop her down and cuddle him and let him set the pace of how he wants to be with her whether he wants to pick her up and cuddle her etc

How on earth will you synchronise all this?? Your baby will be like 12 hours old! She might scream if she’s put down then? Or she might be asleep when your DH is collecting your DS! I think you need to stop imagining the day and just let it unfold. It’ll all be fine whatever your MIL does xx

@Germolenequeen

In view of the fact that she is looking after your son then YAB very U.

This 100%

Agree