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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want mil round same day I bring my baby home?

233 replies

mlj123 · 29/08/2021 13:19

Hi so this Thursday I am having a c section. I will be out on Friday. I can't have my 5 year olds ds at the hospital to visit me due to restrictions, which makes me feel sad. I know it's only 24 hours and he will be having loads of fun, but it's still going to be hard not having both my children there. When I got home from the hospital I was really just looking forward to having the 4 of us as a family, and didn't really want anyone else there until at least the day after. Anyway I feel that my dp seems to think that I'm being a bit silly and unreasonable. He says it doesn't make a difference if she comes round. For context my mil does do a lot for us. She has our ds for us whilst we work and comes pretty much everywhere with us since Fil passed away a couple of years ago she comes on all our holidays and trips and I see her almost everyday. She has always wanted a granddaughter ( she has 2 ds) and I know this means a lot to her. However my ds has already been showing signs of jealousy about baby and I really wanted this time to come home and just spend time as a family of 4 giving him lots of attention and getting him used to his sister as best I can for him. I feel if mil was there she wouldn't b able to contain her excitement and happiness and it might make ds feel even more jealous and excluded ( although I know she wouldn't purposely do this) she loves him to pieces. I just don't want all the attention to be on baby and want the attention at the start to be about my ds having time with his sister etc. When I tell dp I just want our little family for one day he says things like she is family and I'm being u fair to her. Aibu?

OP posts:
Germolenequeen · 29/08/2021 13:48

In view of the fact that she is looking after your son then YAB very U.

This 100%

iolaus · 29/08/2021 13:49

When I had my youngest I said I wanted 24 hours of just 'us' - DH and the kids and I so I don't think you are unreasonable however in your situation I may say for her to drop DS back to yours, quick glimpse of the baby then go and come back the next day (and as well as staying to hold baby and so on then a trip to the park with DS)

MrsJBaptiste · 29/08/2021 13:49

Oh come on, I think you know this is unreasonable.

MIL is looking after your son while you're in hospital then you're just going to collect him and leave her there not even having seen the new baby? She's helping you out (and does a lot by the sound of it) so I think you really should let her come round for half an hour, see the baby while you give your son loads of attention. A win win situation for everyone.

misskatamari · 29/08/2021 13:49

A day after abdominal surgery, your husband wants you schlepping over to MilS house? Fuck that for a bag of toffee!

I don't think you're unreasonable at all to want to get home, have ds picked up and spend the day relaxing into things at home. You're fine with mil visiting the day after,
I think it's really selfish of you DH to push you on this. I don't have much time for people who push their wants on women who have just given birth or had a section tho. If at any time in the life your wants and needs should get to take priority, it is then!

Noshowwithoutpunch · 29/08/2021 13:50

She is an important part of your lives and she's hands-on and very kind to look after your ds however I don't think it's unreasonable for you and DD to be dropped at home while dh picks up your ds.
I would definitely give mil more credit than you are in relation to her making a fuss of the new baby though as a good grandmother will understand her Grandson will likely be feeling a mix of emotions and she won't leave him out or make him feel jealous.

lazyarse123 · 29/08/2021 13:50

@l2b2

In view of the fact that she is looking after your son then YAB very U.
This. I am so glad I am way past the baby stage. Absolutely hate all this keeping people away bollocks.
misskatamari · 29/08/2021 13:51

I really don't get the "insisting someone who just had surgery does something she doesn't want, to please others" bollocks.

Sackofnickles · 29/08/2021 13:56

Get home and settled, MIL drops DS off and sees baby for half an hour while you make a fuss of DS. Job done.

godmum56 · 29/08/2021 13:58

talk to your Mil! Tell her what you have told us!

Lindtnotlint · 29/08/2021 13:59

Dear MIL you are good enough to do all our childcare but not good enough to meet the baby. Love DIL.

It’s not a good look. But that doesn’t mean you all need to trek to BIL/SIL. Find a way for her to pop over to your house for an hour ASAP. Then it doesn’t need to be a big stressful thing for you or baby or DS. And agree with others - tell her that her job is to make DS feel REALLY special.

ivykaty44 · 29/08/2021 14:01

So your MIL is part of the family whilst doing all the stuff you need doing but then isn’t when you get the nice bits

If you think your ds is jealous then talk to mil about it, she’s capable of looking after children so I sure she’ll understand the words

Yabu

Original poster
mlj123 · 29/08/2021 14:03

I think I'm letting my emotions get to me on this one. I can be a very over bearing mum sometimes and it me really bothering me that I can't have ds at the hospital with me when dd is born. It makes me sad that the last time I was there it was him in the crib next to me. When I bring dd home I'm just looking forward to big hugs with my boy and trying to get him involved with his sister and hope he'l ends up really enjoying meeting his sister. I am worried that having visitors straight away might ruin that and instead make him jealous and not take to her. I had the conversation with mil prior to this and explained that he seems a bit jealous every time anything to do with baby comes up and it would probably be best for us to have just one day together as a family getting him settled in with his sister. Which she understands and is ok with. It's mainly my dp saying it's unfair on her.

OP posts:
AngeloMysterioso · 29/08/2021 14:08

YANBU- my PILs will in all likelihood be looking after DS when I give birth to DC2, but I’ve made it very clear to DH that when we’re all together as a family of 4 for the first time, I want it to just be the 4 of us. You’ll never get that moment back. I’m sure your MIL is wonderful and a fantastic GM to your DS but that doesn’t mean you have to share every special moment with her. It’s ok to not want her or anyone else there.

costcocosmos · 29/08/2021 14:09

Your MIL is a mother, who has more than one dc. She knows more about sibling rivalry and the possible issues when a newborn is brought home than you do.

I think she could be useful, and helpful. Your older dc is much less likely to be jealous if grandma is there to make a fuss of him. Chances are you'll be in pain, and not up to much and will appreciate the extra help. It's not worth getting het up about.

AnneElliott · 29/08/2021 14:12

As she lives with other people I do t think you are BU. I know she's involved in your lives as pp have said but since she won't be sitting home along like 'billy no mates' then I don't think it's an issue for you to have one evening.

Icequeen01 · 29/08/2021 14:13

@Lindtnotlint

Dear MIL you are good enough to do all our childcare but not good enough to meet the baby. Love DIL.

It’s not a good look. But that doesn’t mean you all need to trek to BIL/SIL. Find a way for her to pop over to your house for an hour ASAP. Then it doesn’t need to be a big stressful thing for you or baby or DS. And agree with others - tell her that her job is to make DS feel REALLY special.

This with bells on! Pp
Icequeen01 · 29/08/2021 14:14

Whoops no idea where the Pp in my post came from!

Blossomtoes · 29/08/2021 14:16

he seems a bit jealous every time anything to do with baby comes up

Entirely understandable and he’ll have added stress of Mummy disappearing for a day and night. Which is a good reason for Mil to be there for 30 minutes or so. You can give him your undivided attention and make him feel special while she meets her new granddaughter. Truthfully I think her being there for a short time would oil the wheels.

sleepylittlebunnies · 29/08/2021 14:16

I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I think at one day post op you should be able to be driven straight home and made comfortable. You’re unlikely to be discharged early in the day as it’s only the day after the C-section so you will be tired and sore. I think DH can just focus on your comfort and feelings for that day and MIL will understand why he’s prioritising you. You are happy to see her the next day when baby will only be 2 days old. She sounds lovely so I’m sure she will be aware and sensitive to your son’s feelings of jealousy.

A lot of pp appear upset that MIL does a lot for you while you’re excluding her for one day but presumably it’s not one sided and MIL gets as much out of seeing you all daily, days out and holidays with you as you get out of her helping you all. You sound like a lovely DIL too but you are allowed to look after yourself so soon after childbirth.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 29/08/2021 14:17

So your mil is OK with this but your dp isn't? Wow!

Seriously OP @misskatamari has it spot on. You need to be at home recovering, not sitting in a car going visiting because its what he wants.

Have you had a C section before? If not then you need to remember that it's major surgery and you're recovery is very much based on how much you look after yourself afterwards.

twinguilt · 29/08/2021 14:17

I don't think YBU at all. You aren't asking her to stay away for ages! I don't think it matters how involved she is in your lives, if you want to have time just you, your DP and your kids for what will be probably only 12hrs, I don't see how anyone can think that's unreasonable.

Can you maybe compromise and stay at home once you are out hospital, MIL bring DS, let him be the first to meet DD (even if it's a half hour first, that's what we did with my eldest DC when DT were born) then she can come in to meet them for a short while, then head off home and leave you to it?

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 29/08/2021 14:17

Your not you're!

shouldistop · 29/08/2021 14:18

Yanbu. Tell your dh you will have just had major surgery and as such you get to call the shots.

AngeloMysterioso · 29/08/2021 14:18

@Lindtnotlint

Dear MIL you are good enough to do all our childcare but not good enough to meet the baby. Love DIL.

It’s not a good look. But that doesn’t mean you all need to trek to BIL/SIL. Find a way for her to pop over to your house for an hour ASAP. Then it doesn’t need to be a big stressful thing for you or baby or DS. And agree with others - tell her that her job is to make DS feel REALLY special.

FFS it’s ONE DAY. OP doesn’t have to have anyone round “ASAP” the day after she’s been sliced open and had a baby removed from her, however much bloody babysitting they do. The woman can wait 24 sodding hours.
shouldistop · 29/08/2021 14:19

And how is it excluding her by asking her to the visit the next day? Pp are being ridiculous and actually I'm sure mil will understand.

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