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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want mil round same day I bring my baby home?

233 replies

mlj123 · 29/08/2021 13:19

Hi so this Thursday I am having a c section. I will be out on Friday. I can't have my 5 year olds ds at the hospital to visit me due to restrictions, which makes me feel sad. I know it's only 24 hours and he will be having loads of fun, but it's still going to be hard not having both my children there. When I got home from the hospital I was really just looking forward to having the 4 of us as a family, and didn't really want anyone else there until at least the day after. Anyway I feel that my dp seems to think that I'm being a bit silly and unreasonable. He says it doesn't make a difference if she comes round. For context my mil does do a lot for us. She has our ds for us whilst we work and comes pretty much everywhere with us since Fil passed away a couple of years ago she comes on all our holidays and trips and I see her almost everyday. She has always wanted a granddaughter ( she has 2 ds) and I know this means a lot to her. However my ds has already been showing signs of jealousy about baby and I really wanted this time to come home and just spend time as a family of 4 giving him lots of attention and getting him used to his sister as best I can for him. I feel if mil was there she wouldn't b able to contain her excitement and happiness and it might make ds feel even more jealous and excluded ( although I know she wouldn't purposely do this) she loves him to pieces. I just don't want all the attention to be on baby and want the attention at the start to be about my ds having time with his sister etc. When I tell dp I just want our little family for one day he says things like she is family and I'm being u fair to her. Aibu?

OP posts:
Zombiemum1946 · 29/08/2021 20:43

@Kitkat151 that was a bit of stinker you dropped there. Next you'll be saying it's just the baby blues.

BabyLeaf · 29/08/2021 20:47

@Zombiemum1946

Some people lack any shred of empathy.

Even when birth goes smoothly and baby is well, it can be an incredibly difficult process, with hormones and recovery to deal with afterwards. It’s perfectly acceptable not to make plans until you know how you feel, whoever they’re with.

shouldistop · 29/08/2021 20:49

You sound very precious🙄

And you sound like a cunt @Kitkat151

Imcatmum · 29/08/2021 20:50

Slowly backs out and quietly closes door.

RightYesButNo · 29/08/2021 20:52

@Imcatmum

Slowly backs out and quietly closes door.
I’m feeling more and more like that on every single thread.
YouMeandtheSpew · 29/08/2021 20:53

Tangent but personally I think anyone who’s recently pushed a baby out of their vagina or had it surgically extracted from their abdomen is entitled to be a bit ‘precious’ - which gets thrown around like it’s an insult but I think it actually just means putting your own needs and feelings ahead of those of other adults.

GettingItOutThere · 29/08/2021 20:54

@mlj123

Mil is looking after ds whilst we are at the hospital. We have between us planned a special day for him, he's gonna have his friend see him and treats and a movie etc.I asked my dp if he could drop us home then go and collect ds. He wanted us all to go to mils house to get him, which I didn't really want. I want my ds to meet his sister in his own house just the 4 of us. Also bil and sil live with mil so it will b too many people. I don't wanna overwhelm my ds. I suppose I just had this nice image in my head of just the 4 of us. Especially since he can't come to the hospital. I'm open to visitors the next day I just wanted a day
this i would not agree to, he drops you home then goes to collect son.

I would also let him collect MIL only and she stays an hour tops, then leaves/gets dropped off home.

I would not exclude her but after a c-secion you are going to feel shit!

Bakewellisntjustacake · 29/08/2021 20:55

So your MIL is looking after your older child whilst you have a baby but you don't want her to meet her other grandchild the day you bring them home? Do you want her to just drop your older child at the end of the drive then?

I just don't get it. You'll probably be back in 2 years whinging that no one wants to look after your youngest child so you can go out with you DH but if you keep people at arms length for long enough don't be surprised that they don't want to magically baby sit when you want them to Hmm

Zombiemum1946 · 29/08/2021 20:58

@BabyLeaf , I was warned by so many people before I had my first that I had to do what was right for me. My first was prem, pulled his ng tube out, then I got sick,it was hellish. So to me, to tell someone to get a grip is bizarre. The equivalent of telling a mum with postnatal depression it's just the baby blues get over it.

thefourgp · 29/08/2021 20:59

OP reading your updates has made me sad. I had to have my sister there for my births because I knew my (ex) husband would be no support and he wasn’t. The midwives were all disgusted with him.

I think the focus you’re putting on the first night home is actually about pretending you’re a happy family of four before getting back to the reality of being a single parent living with a husband who’s barely present in your or your children’s lives.

His mother is enabling him. My ex MIL did it too and still does. You’re going to be miserable a lot of the time if you spend the rest of your life with him. I’m not saying break up at the moment. The baby is your priority. Just remember you and your children deserve to be treated better by someone who should want to take care of you all.

BabyLeaf · 29/08/2021 21:09

[quote Zombiemum1946]@BabyLeaf , I was warned by so many people before I had my first that I had to do what was right for me. My first was prem, pulled his ng tube out, then I got sick,it was hellish. So to me, to tell someone to get a grip is bizarre. The equivalent of telling a mum with postnatal depression it's just the baby blues get over it.[/quote]
Yeah. Has an air of ‘well I gave birth and was back home cooking the Sunday roast within four hours and anyone else is a wimp’ about it frankly.

I mean what kind of person thinks that someone going through fucking labour is being precious for wanting to decide when they feel up to visitors afterwards? Probably the kind of person that shows up unsolicited the hour after a triple heart bypass with flowers and grapes and stays for three hours when the patient needs rest. Tone deaf and no social skills whatsoever.

Birth is hard whichever way you slice it and it’s for others to respect the woman’s comfort level, not for the woman to acquiesce to something they’re uncomfortable with to appease others (the others in this scenario being her useless partner: MIL is fine with it).

secular39 · 29/08/2021 21:32

YABU

l2b2 · 29/08/2021 22:47

One of the issues on the day of your discharge seems to be the lack of anyone capable of driving except your DP.
Whoever is looking after your eldest on that day, why can't they get a cab to your house soon after you, new baby and your DH arrive home? Stipulate it must only be your mum or MIL with your eldest and tell them explicitly what you expect from them.

ChampagneKisses · 29/08/2021 23:00

Yanbu
That's why we didn't tell anyone we were home with dd1 until the day after

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 29/08/2021 23:09

It's really unreasonable for your baby daddy to take you from the hospital to his mother's house and not straight home. C section is major surgery. He is the one who needs to get a grip.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 08:43

Baby daddy?

Brighterblighter · 30/08/2021 08:50

You need to put yourself first it's not for anyone, least of all your dh to be decide how you feel and what you want at this time.
New mums come first. It's disgusting that anyone ever feels they can dominate and push around a woman who has just had a baby!!

Brighterblighter · 30/08/2021 08:51

And it's appalling how common it is for new mums giving birth seems to become all about their mils and what they want and need.

polishthatfloor · 30/08/2021 08:59

Not the point of the thread, but do hospitals let you out the day after a section now? I had an EMCS 18 years ago and was still catheterised till 2 days post op, spent 6 days in hospital

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 09:05

@Brighterblighter

And it's appalling how common it is for new mums giving birth seems to become all about their mils and what they want and need.
If you’d read the thread - or even just OP’s posts - you’d see the mil is fine. In fact she’s more than fine. It’s her partner who’s the issue. He’s a lazy waste of space who wants mil to step up and do all the stuff he should be doing.
pinkyredrose · 30/08/2021 09:06

OP did he want these children? If so then I'm wondering why he takes fuck all notice of them once they're here.

Newnameday · 30/08/2021 09:14

My mum does loads for us, childcare etc.

She would specifically make sure she wasn't there to get involved with our private family moment.

callmeadoctor · 30/08/2021 09:15

I would keep the MIL and send the DH off, he sounds bloody useless OP.

diddl · 30/08/2021 09:37

@callmeadoctor

I would keep the MIL and send the DH off, he sounds bloody useless OP.
He's never going to be any use whilst he's so enabled though!
Balonzette · 30/08/2021 09:48

Considerjng she is a huge help to you, I'd 100% let her pop round but I'd give it a time limit of no more than 1 hour. It's all very well wanting time as a family just the 4 of you, but it's not very kind to accept MIL as a member of the family when she helps you and then announce that she's actually not a proper member of the family to be around for special moments like this one. You can of course warn her about your concerns re: your son and tell her she'll need to really show son attention too and encourage him to be excited about baby, although I'd be surprised if she isn't already expecting to do this. I understand wanting alone time but will a single hour really hurt? You can easily turn in with a NB and get rid of someone. It will be really hurtful for her to be excluded from this lovely time (especially being told that you want 'family time' - something I always think must be really upsetting to hear said by a family member) and it sounds like you get on really well, considering all she does for you, do you really want to hurt her for the sake of a single hour?

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