To not want mil round same day I bring my baby home?

[mlj123]

Hi so this Thursday I am having a c section. I will be out on Friday. I can't have my 5 year olds ds at the hospital to visit me due to restrictions, which makes me feel sad. I know it's only 24 hours and he will be having loads of fun, but it's still going to be hard not having both my children there. When I got home from the hospital I was really just looking forward to having the 4 of us as a family, and didn't really want anyone else there until at least the day after. Anyway I feel that my dp seems to think that I'm being a bit silly and unreasonable. He says it doesn't make a difference if she comes round. For context my mil does do a lot for us. She has our ds for us whilst we work and comes pretty much everywhere with us since Fil passed away a couple of years ago she comes on all our holidays and trips and I see her almost everyday. She has always wanted a granddaughter ( she has 2 ds) and I know this means a lot to her. However my ds has already been showing signs of jealousy about baby and I really wanted this time to come home and just spend time as a family of 4 giving him lots of attention and getting him used to his sister as best I can for him. I feel if mil was there she wouldn't b able to contain her excitement and happiness and it might make ds feel even more jealous and excluded ( although I know she wouldn't purposely do this) she loves him to pieces. I just don't want all the attention to be on baby and want the attention at the start to be about my ds having time with his sister etc. When I tell dp I just want our little family for one day he says things like she is family and I'm being u fair to her. Aibu?

I just don't want all the attention to be on baby and want the attention at the start to be about my ds having time with his sister etc.

I don’t think you’re UR to feel how you feel however I just wanted to comment on this point. You’re right to make sure to give your DS lots of attention when baby comes home. Your DS will need your attention a lot more than the baby. Your baby can be held, changed, comforted by dad and if MIL is there she can help with that too while you focus on your DS. Baby won’t care who changes her nappy. So in that respect MIL being there could be very helpful to free you up for your DS.

Secondly, your DS may want nothing to do with his sister for a few days. It’s perfectly normal for small children to be a bit pissed off with the new baby and just want to ignore it. Don’t try and force that. I wouldn’t be putting too much expectation on you spending your time as a foursome cuddling and cooing over the baby.

In your shoes I would have MIL there to help DH look after the house and the baby while you focus on resting and spending time with your DS.

New babies have limited appeal for older siblings. They are of interest but that wears off quite quickly when Mummy has to go and change the baby or can't get up instantly to pick up a dropped toy because the baby is latched on. Your mil is part of your family and I think that she will be a help with DS when you come home. I don't agree with the stopping off plan but surely she could bring DS home and have brief look at the baby. Your DS will like to show her off and she can take pleasure in the whole occasion. As a pp said above , she has more experience of this scenario than you do and as she loves you all will want to do the right thing.

I understand all the people saying that mil is good enough to look after ds but not good enough to come round to see baby. And also things like she can take ds out etc but the problem is I imagine that I won't be out of the hospital until pretty late. I had a c section with my ds too and I didn't get out until late the next evening. We probably won't even get that much time as a foursome anyway. And she will most likely be the first person there the next day. I'm not even asking for a day I'm asking for an evening if that.

If it’s just an evening, because you’ll be late home, Why don’t you get her to bring your DS home the next morning?

See how you feel when you get home. I really can't see how it could hurt having her over for half an hour.

Exactly how much childcare does she do, full time Monday to Friday? For free?

Its difficult as shes quite involved already. I see what your idea was but i think it might be wiser to go with the flow to avoid creating upset. I can see why Mil might be offended if shes asked not to come in with ds. Youll still get plenty of time all together as a 4 when she leaves.

Just say midwife has said they will only release you day after CS if you go straight home and complete rest

Make it a big thing that she will be the first visitor. (to yours, you don't want to be going to hers - too many people and you won't want to be in a car really)

You may not even be let out next day - my emcs I was out 2 days later, my elcs it was 6 days due to ds jaundice!

@MrsRobbieHart

If it’s just an evening, because you’ll be late home, Why don’t you get her to bring your DS home the next morning?

Truth is I'm not that sure how it's gonna pan out this time around, all I can go off is last time. I was supposed to have my ds in the morning and it ended up being afternoon because there weren't enough beds. This time around I was planned in for afternoon but a high priority patient has come up that needs my slot so I have to go in the emergency theatre, go in early and if it's quiet I will have her in the morning and if it's busy with emergencies It could even be the evening or next day. I will be away from my ds long enough already. I don't want to be away from him longer than I need to. Normally I'm ok with sleepovers etc but this is different. I feel emotional about this situation. I just imagined him visiting me at the hospital with dp.

You can’t be driving to someone else’s house so soon after major abdominal surgery, whatever day MIL sees your baby. She will need to come or be brought to you.

You will feel every bump and turn. Your husband needs to be worrying about getting you home and into bed and made comfortable.
It’s up to you when you feel ready for visitors. I’m sorry you were bullied into having something you didn’t want last time around.

It seems you are now suffering the consequences if being so accommodating; MIL comes away with you all the time etc. so you are now unreasonable not to include her in EVERYTHING.
Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
I’d be hurt my husband wasn’t putting me and the baby first for one fucking day. Do you have much of a voice in your relationship OP?
I’d be disgusted with my SIL if he had the same expectations of my daughter, and if and when she gives birth, I’ll be taking my lead from her, not racing to be first to get my hands on a baby that will hopefully be around for a lifetime.

It sounds like your husband is the issue more than your lovely MIL. He doesn’t verboten dictate. When he has major surgery he can choose when people visit and when he is ready for car journeys out and about.

Yanbu. Your dh can decide what he wants to do, when he’s the one growing and delivering the next baby..
best to just be upfront and say how you feel, your mil may not know what you want

Very mean of you to want to exclude her, yet she is good enough provide childcare for your ds.
I would feel very hurt if I was her.

• “he doesn’t get to dictate..”

So many typos!

But she is integral to your family and is caring for your son whilst you are in hospital, tbh I feel you are being rather mean.

With my ds I didn't get home until around 8pm ish so that's what I have in my head again. It would be ok if I came home in the morning I could spend a couple of hours as a family of 4 then have her round later that day. It's just if it's in the evening then I would sooner do go and pick ds up and bring him home and mil visit the next morning, when we've had that time together

Op I was upset that ds1 couldn't visit me and ds2 in hospital when he was born in December. It was how I'd envisioned it for a long time (ttc for 15 months for ds2) so arriving home with the baby for ds1 to meet was important to me too.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable considering you are only getting home in the evening.

However I would also consider that your MIL sounds lovely and helpful snd this will mean a lot to her too.

One idea is that you take DS home to meet sister, then his granny comes over for half an hour and HE introduces his sister to his granny- a very important job. Then you could prep her to say ‘ oh wow this is your SISTER?! How lucky is she to have you to look out for her, you are such a clever boy, can you show me how to say hello to her? Do I need to be gentle do you think?’ Etc. If you can prep her to make a massive fuss of him whilst meeting the baby, that might work?

@mlj123

With my ds I didn't get home until around 8pm ish so that's what I have in my head again. It would be ok if I came home in the morning I could spend a couple of hours as a family of 4 then have her round later that day. It's just if it's in the evening then I would sooner do go and pick ds up and bring him home and mil visit the next morning, when we've had that time together

I don’t think this is unreasonable. Could you just explain this to MIL and ask her to come over, just her, the next morning. That way you get what you need and she also feels special.

See my above post for how she could play it with DS.

YANBU, it's 24 hours we're you get to make sure your son is OK with the change to his family. Having an extra person there all excited about the baby will not help you do this.

Get home and then send your husband to pick up your son. He can ask her around for a cup of tea the next day.

I think your making a rod for your own back seeing her so much though. I adore my grandchildren but I'd never expect to come on all trips and holidays, you need time with just your family too.

Also remember it is ok to play it by ear and say to MIL, if we get home early we could have you over, if not we’d love to see you in the morning for a little cuddle

I'm just looking at this from my own mum's point of view. She looks after DS for us so we can work, alongside him attending nursery a few days a week. Whenever we need her, she's there for him/us. I can't imagine feeling strongly enough to want to exclude such an integral person in our lives from something they'd be looking forward to as well.

I think I'm MIL's position, I'd be very hurt.

I appreciate what labour and recovery is like, but to be honest, that made me want people around even more so. It was great having people fuss over me, making my drinks, sorting a bottle for DS, whilst I got to relax on the sofa after such a tiring few days.

The only other thing I would consider is would it be better to have DS at home first, so that he welcomes baby sister, rather than him getting home and her already being there, taking pride of place, IYSWIM

It this about DS, then it'll probably be better for him if she came so you can focus on him more than the baby.
If this about you, then tell her you'd like to alone for a day.

Your DP is being a twat about this.
You will have undergone major abdomen surgery, a new baby and you need privacy, rest and nobody around that you don’t want to be around in your home.

It’s not excluding her unless she never meets the baby! The woman is an adult, not a primary aged child so unless she is monumentally childish or selfish she will “get” that OP might not feel up to visitors for the first few days. My DD’s sister-in-law cancelled their first planned visit to see her new baby because she wasn’t feeling up to it. Like normal people, her brother and my daughter sympathetically reassured her it was no problem. Their relationship with their nephew didn’t suffer, they didn’t feel rejected or excluded or any other angsty bollocks. Who thinks like that in real life?

Maybe see how you feel?

If you feel up to it then all go to collect your son so MIL can come out & just have a look at GD in car seat?

If not, then she'll see her the next day by the sounds of things!

My Ils looked after PFB whilst I had 2nd.

Had to spend a few days in as 2nd unwell.

We were obviously very grateful but when we got back with 2nd I'm afraid it was a bit "here she is, have a look and piss off!"

They had years of visits ahead I was stressed & emotional.