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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘I’m not coming home.’

385 replies

Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:31

DH is out tonight. Someone at work is celebrating their 40th birthday.
They went to a golf club this afternoon and had lunch and drinks after. They’ve now gone into London. DH has just messaged me this:
‘Don’t wait up for me. I’m not coming home.’
I asked why.
His reply ‘crashing at work mates flat because it’s closer’ (he then said where it was. It’s 3 stops on the train before our stop. Hmm
AIBU to be annoyed at this??

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:03

@Hemingwaycat

I’d think it was quite odd behaviour since he’s only saving himself the distance of 3 tube stops which doesn’t make much sense. I would probably be quite worried the colleague he’s staying with is female…
There are definitely females there. Their colleagues are out with them, but they didn’t go to the golf club. They’re meeting them in London. I haven’t met his work mates as he’s only been in this company since last year. They worked through all the lockdowns.
OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 28/08/2021 20:03

@spongedog

Despite it being a BH Sunday tomorrow he still needs to be back home at a reasonable time for parenting during the day.

Was this possibility of staying over discussed beforehand? Especially as it is very close to where you live.

When my ex started his affair he would tell me he was working late and not to stay up. He would come in at around 5 am having stayed with OW. I knew for months. So it I were you I would be snooping a bit. Any mentionitis?

When my husband goes out I look after the children the day after. What's the point in going out and having a drink if you know you have to be up early with the kids?
Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:03

@Dillydollydingdong

It's your turn next weekend!
My next night out with friends is planned for November. 😂
OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 28/08/2021 20:06

@revolvingpivot Yeah we take turns to look after the kids if out the night before too. I don't see the issue.

I would remind him that lunch is planned and that you're not picking him up the next day. Leave him to it.
Discuss on Monday about what is and isn't okay for you both. Tonight or tomorrow isn't a good time.

RevolvingPivot · 28/08/2021 20:06

@Chloemol

So I would cancel with the in laws, tell them why, and go out with the kids and leave him to it
Oh good they would be heaven for my DH!!
Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:06

With our Dc being 8 and 11, they’re pretty easy and look after themselves. I think it’s my issue though isn’t it. I wouldn’t want to crash out at a mates unless it was really necessary, like the night out was in London and they actually lived in London. I used to do it years ago but not anymore. So I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to sleep in his own bed. He doesn’t have a curfew and he can sleep in Grin

OP posts:
Gettingthereslowly2020 · 28/08/2021 20:07

From reading your updates OP, it sounds like he's either cheated before or he's given you reason not to trust him. You seem quite concerned that there are women there and you don't trust him around other women.

This is no way to live your life, worrying about him cheating everytime he wants to stay out past his curfew. You need to have a proper talk to him when he sobers up about why you don't trust him and what you can both do about it.

GreenClock · 28/08/2021 20:08

Nothing to worry about unless it happens again and again. Because that’s out of character and therefore suspicious.....you’d wonder what -or who - had precipitated it.

But a one-off is fine, especially after the 18 months we’ve all just had.

RevolvingPivot · 28/08/2021 20:08

I meant

god instead of good
and that instead of they 😒😒

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:09

@Gettingthereslowly2020

From reading your updates OP, it sounds like he's either cheated before or he's given you reason not to trust him. You seem quite concerned that there are women there and you don't trust him around other women.

This is no way to live your life, worrying about him cheating everytime he wants to stay out past his curfew. You need to have a proper talk to him when he sobers up about why you don't trust him and what you can both do about it.

He’s never cheated, I was just replying to others that have asked if he’s possibly cheating. It’s not crossed my mind before, but now it’s been mentioned and coupled with the fact he’s never done this before it’s got me thinking.
OP posts:
Cheeeeislifenow · 28/08/2021 20:11

You sound really possessive I think. I would rather he do this then come in pissed, wake us all up and then smell all night.

Next month book a girls night, simples

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 20:14

God don’t listen to the cheat obsessives. They are likely going back to this guys place to continue the party and he will just crash there. Cmon, have you never done that?

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 20:14

I think it's much more likely to be drugs than women.

RevolvingPivot · 28/08/2021 20:14

I don't think she sounds possessive. Rather chilled actually.

DoYouLikeOwls · 28/08/2021 20:15

@HurryUpAndWait23

Wtf why is everyone being so harsh?
Because lots of people are Saaaaad and have no other joy in their life than to come on Mumsnet to be a bitch.
user1471457751 · 28/08/2021 20:15

Don't be discouraged by the posters implying he must be cheating. You know your husband better than they do. A lot of posters on this site always jump to he must be cheating, it's their own issues that they are pushing on to you. If it was you going out and your husband complaining/telling you to come home, those same posters would be calling him a controlling arsehole and saying you should leave him.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 20:16

@user1471457751

Don't be discouraged by the posters implying he must be cheating. You know your husband better than they do. A lot of posters on this site always jump to he must be cheating, it's their own issues that they are pushing on to you. If it was you going out and your husband complaining/telling you to come home, those same posters would be calling him a controlling arsehole and saying you should leave him.
This. 100 percent this.
GoodnightGrandma · 28/08/2021 20:17

I would think a woman or drugs.
Perhaps a few drinks have loosened him up and he wants to try it.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 28/08/2021 20:17

It sounds like he just wants a very rare mad night out. If he comes home, he'll have to try to be quiet and he probably doesn't want the kids seeing/hearing him being a drunken mess. Plus he doesn't want to annoy you by disturbing you. If he stays at his mate's, he can stay up drinking and talking nonsense for a while.

I went for a quiet few drinks that turned into a mad night out a few weeks or so ago. I don't know what got into me, I haven't had a night like that in about a decade. I should have got the bus home at 11 but I ended up at a friend's on the opposite side of the city. Why? Because I felt like it. I had a great time and staggered home the next day feeling rough.

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:18

Even if I accept I’m being unreasonable to be annoyed about it, I can’t change the fact that I am annoyed about it. He’s just replied again because I asked why he won’t just come home because it’s not that much closer to London than we are. It’s 3
stops. He’s gone outside the pub and phoned me, slurring his words saying that if he comes home I will just moan at him for drinking too much and he doesn’t want me to wait up for him or keep asking where he is and when he’s coming home.

OP posts:
IridescentPurple · 28/08/2021 20:18

I would not be happy about this, at all. If he were a great distance, staying away overnight is obviously ok, but 3 stops away?

Well he started off at "a golf club". 3 stops could be 20 minutes or 90 minutes depending where they live. Like, how far from the golf club.
My dh used to sometimes stay over in London if there was a booze up.
He'd generally know in advance so I'd have warning, but if it's a one off it wouldn worry me too much. Especially if it got me out of lunch with the in-laws.

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:19

Oh and before the phone call he did reply but his message made no sense, because he’s clearly drunk Grin

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 28/08/2021 20:19

@stepupandbecounted

'Shall I send over your suitcase by cab or would you like to collect it in the morning from the garden - your choice - have a great night'
Jesus wept. Seriously?

Bet life’s a bundle of laughs for your bloke.

glitterfarts · 28/08/2021 20:19

I'd think it weird to be staying at a colleague's house when he's in a new job. It's not like he's worked with them years and there fore completely relaxed in each other's company.

So yeah, my immediate thought would be that he's either taking drugs too and doesn't want you to know, or that his mate is called Jane rather than James ...

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:19

@IridescentPurple

I would not be happy about this, at all. If he were a great distance, staying away overnight is obviously ok, but 3 stops away?

Well he started off at "a golf club". 3 stops could be 20 minutes or 90 minutes depending where they live. Like, how far from the golf club.
My dh used to sometimes stay over in London if there was a booze up.
He'd generally know in advance so I'd have warning, but if it's a one off it wouldn worry me too much. Especially if it got me out of lunch with the in-laws.

The golf club is local to where we live, and then they got the train into London.
OP posts: