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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘I’m not coming home.’

385 replies

Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:31

DH is out tonight. Someone at work is celebrating their 40th birthday.
They went to a golf club this afternoon and had lunch and drinks after. They’ve now gone into London. DH has just messaged me this:
‘Don’t wait up for me. I’m not coming home.’
I asked why.
His reply ‘crashing at work mates flat because it’s closer’ (he then said where it was. It’s 3 stops on the train before our stop. Hmm
AIBU to be annoyed at this??

OP posts:
MilesOfSand · 28/08/2021 20:47

@Yesitsbess

You get the bed to yourself without a snoring drunk person in it, you get to not listen to him crashing in at 2am singing Hallelujah, you get to cancel lunch with the IL, you get a good few weeks of taking the mick out of him, you get a load of guilt goodwill in the bank, he's having a nice time and is trying to not inconvenience you (but in a drunk logic kind of way IYSWIM). If you have trust between you and you think you may be able to laugh about it tomorrow when he realises what a wally he's been then I see no negatives here - enjoy!

Or everything is doom and he's having an affair with a cocaine lady from work.

Oh wow, did OP say that she thought he’d be having an affair with cocaine lady from work?! I totally missed that post, I thought it was OP herself that pointed out she might be able to get out of the in-law lunch.
IridescentPurple · 28/08/2021 20:48

You sound really possessive I think

No she doesn't. Don't be daft. She's just perusing mumsnet and asked the question. We all do that sometimes when things turn a bit unusual. I've been married 40 years. My husband has rung to say he's staying out approx 3 or 4 times when he's been ratarsed. Decisions made when half drunk are sometimes unusual. If mumsnet had existed in those days I might have made a post about it. But it didn't. And it was just him being drunker than either of us thought. And it was nothing more than that.

Pazuzu · 28/08/2021 20:49

Some of the posters on here sound incredibly hard work tbh. He's gone out, got drunk and would rather crash at his friends.

It doesn't mean he's crashing at a drug den or brothel or whatever.

Seriously, stop projecting your lack of trust onto every post.

If my DW wanted to stay at her friends, good for her. A good night's sleep for me. Lol.

Eeiliethya · 28/08/2021 20:50

I'd rather him tell me now so I'm not sat up or can't sleep waiting for him to get home pissed as a fart getting on my nerves.

Depends entirely on your relationship and the level of trust you have.

But if the trust is there then try and enjoy your evening, take advantage of watching whatever you like and having the bed to yourself Smile.

Thethreecs · 28/08/2021 20:50

This wouldn't bother me. We've both done it many times when out with friends. The reason is because we are carrying on the party after the bar. Not to get into their home and go asleep.

Yesitsbess · 28/08/2021 20:51

@MilesOfSand a gentle joke from reading all 5 pages.

Jillish · 28/08/2021 20:52

Oh he’s going back to his mates for a couple of extra beers. Let him be unless he’s given you a reason not to trust him. My DH did this but came home in the morning massively regretting his decision because his mates dog kept sniffing his feet on the couch and his kids got up earlier than ours do 😂- plus he hadn’t thought through the hungover walk home, lack of toothbrush etc. I was just happy to avoid the drunken snoring. It was a planned night out so I had already planned to take the kids out for the day and let him sleep it off (as he has done for me whenever I want a night out)

MilesOfSand · 28/08/2021 20:53

[quote Yesitsbess]@MilesOfSand a gentle joke from reading all 5 pages.[/quote]
Fair enough.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/08/2021 20:53

God does being marries mean you can never have a night out? How depressing.

Me and ex often used to have nights out without each other it was no big deal. We broke up for other reasons entirely.

If you can''t trust him to have a night out with friends it can't be much of a marriage and as for the post who said she'd send his suitcase on - marriage isn't a prison!!!

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:53

Yes. She’s invented quite the story there hasn’t she 😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:53

Ahhhh that comment was meant for someone else 😂😂

OP posts:
peaceanddove · 28/08/2021 20:54

Got swept up in the sesh I love this and it's so apt.

It's clear to me that the OP's DH just wants a totally open ended night out, with no worrying about train times or making a kerfuffle when he stumbles home etc. There's nothing wrong with that.

A night out, when you know you're under subtle pressure to stay in touch with your OP during the evening, be back at a certain time, be up at a certain time the next morning etc - it just comes with too many strings attached.

Sometimes it's just nice to be given a free pass for a night out (though I draw the line at snorting coke off Sally's buttocks).

DogsAreImpawtant · 28/08/2021 20:56

It wouldn’t bother me. I presume they’ll keep drinking at his friends house. I’d rather he stay out than possibly disturb me coming in drunk. Enjoy a nice quiet nice and the bed to yourself.

IridescentPurple · 28/08/2021 20:56

On MN husbands should never go out drinking, to the footie, to a party...
They should be 100% content with going to work (preferably from home), spending time ‘as a family’

Can I amend that to our little family ?

It sounds more satisfactorily twee.

Itawapuddytat · 28/08/2021 20:56

@Yesitsbess

You get the bed to yourself without a snoring drunk person in it, you get to not listen to him crashing in at 2am singing Hallelujah, you get to cancel lunch with the IL, you get a good few weeks of taking the mick out of him, you get a load of guilt goodwill in the bank, he's having a nice time and is trying to not inconvenience you (but in a drunk logic kind of way IYSWIM). If you have trust between you and you think you may be able to laugh about it tomorrow when he realises what a wally he's been then I see no negatives here - enjoy!

Or everything is doom and he's having an affair with a cocaine lady from work.

I'd assume it's likely to be option 1. If I were you, OP, I'd expect a "woe is me I have such a head-splitting hangover" husband coming home tomorrow (and yes, I WILL tease him Grin LOTS ) and I will very much enjoy the peace and quiet this evening, the whole bed for myself . DH does not go out much, and so far has never attempted to do an "all night party" with his workmates, but I bet he'd be up for a "nattspiel" * even though he'll probably fall asleep by 1 pm after a few drinks.

*I used to live in Norway years ago, and best/most nights out with mates I attended started with an "forspiel" (meeting up at one of us' house for a few drinks) and finished with a "nachspiel" (crashing at someone else's house for the "after-party", and yes, some people would just sleep there as they were in no good shape to go home Grin ) Ah, the good ol' days Smile

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/08/2021 20:56

This would concern me but that is probably because of my own experiences. My ex-h once text me to say he was crashing in the hotel his "friend" from another town was staying in and he'd see me in the morning. It was 10 mins away 🙄. He rocked up in the morning and couldn't look at me. His affair eventually came out. I'd be asking him to come home. Then you need to have a chat when he's sober.

RamblingJenny · 28/08/2021 20:57

No no no - he should not be telling you what he’s doing, he should be asking you what you think and if it’s okay or not. I’d loose my sh!t and tell him to get here tonight otherwise it’s over.

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 20:58

He rarely goes out. Neither of us do, not because we don’t want to but we’ve done all our crazy days and nowadays we just tend to go out when it’s an occasion for us or a friend, or a work do. We go out together too.
Anyway, on a work night out a few years ago, he did come back at 2am, very very drunk. Woke me up singing Chris De burg lady in red and asking me to dance with him.
So I guess, I should listen to most of you on here and be happy that I won’t have to endure anything like that again.
Grin

OP posts:
WTFisNext · 28/08/2021 20:58

In your shoes I'd just text "Thanks for letting me know, if you're not home by 11am then I'm calling your parents to cancel lunch" then enjoy your evening safe in the knowledge you're not going to have to keep an ear out for blind drunk/possibly vomiting husband coming home.

I know it sounds flippant but I don't worry about my husband cheating on me on nights out. He will or he won't, his behaviour will give him away and he knows the absolute consequences so that's on him. My worrying or banning him from stuff isn't going to stop that.

RainforestLizard · 28/08/2021 20:58

@RamblingJenny

No no no - he should not be telling you what he’s doing, he should be asking you what you think and if it’s okay or not. I’d loose my sh!t and tell him to get here tonight otherwise it’s over.
Wow!
Itawapuddytat · 28/08/2021 20:59

*by 1 am I mean Although if allowed, he might sleep until 1 pm Grin

IridescentPurple · 28/08/2021 20:59

Bit of a weird excuse to say that he's getting a train almost home but then getting off 3 stops early to stay somewhere else for convenience. How convenient is a 10 minute difference if he's already on the train?

Because they might want to have a couple more at home and continue the merriment? Play some daft computer games and chill out? And why not? Providing OP gets to do the same or similar.

Backtoblack1 · 28/08/2021 21:00

I would be dubious. But I’m used to shitty men x

RevolvingPivot · 28/08/2021 21:02

@WTFisNext

In your shoes I'd just text "Thanks for letting me know, if you're not home by 11am then I'm calling your parents to cancel lunch" then enjoy your evening safe in the knowledge you're not going to have to keep an ear out for blind drunk/possibly vomiting husband coming home.

I know it sounds flippant but I don't worry about my husband cheating on me on nights out. He will or he won't, his behaviour will give him away and he knows the absolute consequences so that's on him. My worrying or banning him from stuff isn't going to stop that.

The op doesn't need to bribe him to come home.?
Hankunamatata · 28/08/2021 21:02

He's is completely pissed and doesnt want to come home for you to see it. Put your feet up.and enjoy the bed all to yourself