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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘I’m not coming home.’

385 replies

Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:31

DH is out tonight. Someone at work is celebrating their 40th birthday.
They went to a golf club this afternoon and had lunch and drinks after. They’ve now gone into London. DH has just messaged me this:
‘Don’t wait up for me. I’m not coming home.’
I asked why.
His reply ‘crashing at work mates flat because it’s closer’ (he then said where it was. It’s 3 stops on the train before our stop. Hmm
AIBU to be annoyed at this??

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:48

It’s ten minutes on the train between that stop and our stop. And we live near the train station.
He did sound quite tipsy when I spoke him 2 hours ago, so maybe the alcohol is making him irrational Hmm

OP posts:
Hyppogriff · 28/08/2021 19:50

Presumably he’s planning on being out after the trains finish. Let him let his hair down but tell him to help out more tomorrow

aaaaah · 28/08/2021 19:50

If they both get drunk its easier for them to go to his mates house. Otherwise he might be too drunk to get off the train at the right stop?

HurryUpAndWait23 · 28/08/2021 19:51

I have literally text my husband this so many times over the last 20 years. I say so many times, maybe 8.
The train is 2 stops from where I stay.

Doesn't mean I want to stop the fun at 11.30 when the last train is.

Imagine leaving the bastard because of that!
The way he worded it sucked. But otherwise he is doing nothing wrong.

spongedog · 28/08/2021 19:51

Despite it being a BH Sunday tomorrow he still needs to be back home at a reasonable time for parenting during the day.

Was this possibility of staying over discussed beforehand? Especially as it is very close to where you live.

When my ex started his affair he would tell me he was working late and not to stay up. He would come in at around 5 am having stayed with OW. I knew for months. So it I were you I would be snooping a bit. Any mentionitis?

HurryUpAndWait23 · 28/08/2021 19:52

@Livvielo

It’s ten minutes on the train between that stop and our stop. And we live near the train station. He did sound quite tipsy when I spoke him 2 hours ago, so maybe the alcohol is making him irrational Hmm
What difference does the stops make?!

He doesn't care about the distance, he just wants to have a night with friends that carries on until they want, rather than the last train home.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 19:52

It only makes sense if they're planning on being out so late they'll miss the last train home and they're going to share a taxi.

Does he ever use recreational drugs or anything OP? Or could the friend be having a house party?

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:53

But he didn’t say that was the reason. He said the reason is because his mates flat is closer to London than we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:54

Sorry that reply was meant for a PP above about what difference does it make

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:55

@girlmom21

It only makes sense if they're planning on being out so late they'll miss the last train home and they're going to share a taxi.

Does he ever use recreational drugs or anything OP? Or could the friend be having a house party?

He doesn’t, but some of his work mates do. He’s told me before they’re pretty open about cocaine use. Cocaine is used so causally here. But he doesn’t take it.
OP posts:
Namechange13101 · 28/08/2021 19:56

Could they be going back to his mates for more drinks or poker or something and he doesn’t want to miss out? My husband gets massive fomo if one or two of his group are staying at a mates and so would probably stay over to!

TheCanyon · 28/08/2021 19:56

My dh and his pal once walked 15 mins to ours to ask me if they could go carry on the party at the friends house, 20 min walk in the other direction, 5 mins from the pub Hmm woke me up, naked at 3am with that pair hanging over my face. My dh doesn't go out often, been at least 2 years thank fuck.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/08/2021 19:57

It sounds to me like he just wants to prolong his day put and doesn't want to disturb you by getting in late. Enjoy the peace and quiet. Lap up having the whole bed to yourself without his beery snoring face in yours. Enjoy a nice breakfast with your DC before he gets in with a hangover.

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:57

Would I be unreasonable to ask what he’s going to do when he gets to his mates?

OP posts:
stepupandbecounted · 28/08/2021 19:57

'Shall I send over your suitcase by cab or would you like to collect it in the morning from the garden - your choice - have a great night'

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 28/08/2021 19:58

Let him have a bloody good night out where he gets absolutely shit faced with his mates, kips on his mate's sofa and comes home tomorrow. It's good he's staying at his friend's because do you really want him banging about and staggering all over the place when you and the kids are trying to sleep?

Everyone needs a good night out every once in a while. A night where you can be carefree and not think about your responsibilities.

If he's a good guy and this isn't a regular thing AND he's happy for you to do the same sometime then tell him to have a good night and make him a strong coffee when he comes home tomorrow.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 28/08/2021 19:59

@Livvielo

But he didn’t say that was the reason. He said the reason is because his mates flat is closer to London than we are.
Yeah that's BS.

He just wants to get pissed without a home time and he's trying to think of a rational excuse and failed.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 28/08/2021 20:00

Wtf why is everyone being so harsh?

Hemingwaycat · 28/08/2021 20:00

I’d think it was quite odd behaviour since he’s only saving himself the distance of 3 tube stops which doesn’t make much sense. I would probably be quite worried the colleague he’s staying with is female…

HurryUpAndWait23 · 28/08/2021 20:00

@Gettingthereslowly2020

Let him have a bloody good night out where he gets absolutely shit faced with his mates, kips on his mate's sofa and comes home tomorrow. It's good he's staying at his friend's because do you really want him banging about and staggering all over the place when you and the kids are trying to sleep?

Everyone needs a good night out every once in a while. A night where you can be carefree and not think about your responsibilities.

If he's a good guy and this isn't a regular thing AND he's happy for you to do the same sometime then tell him to have a good night and make him a strong coffee when he comes home tomorrow.

Exactly!!
Waspsarearseholes · 28/08/2021 20:01

YABU. You will get a much better night's sleep with him staying out until he's in a reasonable state to come home tomorrow. I really don't see what the big deal is? Isn't he allowed a night out once in a while? You're basically saying he has to be home on the last train. Maybe they want to stay out later than the last train? Would you be happy if he gave you a curfew on a night out?

poullou · 28/08/2021 20:02

Would I be unreasonable to ask what he’s going to do when he gets to his mates?

Yes. For no other reason than he can lie to you! You either trust him or you don't.

Shall I send over your suitcase by cab or would you like to collect it in the morning from the garden - your choice - have a great night

Is this serious?

HurryUpAndWait23 · 28/08/2021 20:02

@Hemingwaycat

I’d think it was quite odd behaviour since he’s only saving himself the distance of 3 tube stops which doesn’t make much sense. I would probably be quite worried the colleague he’s staying with is female…
Oh for fuck sake.

I've done this several time and every time I've managed not to fuck another person and simply have fun with my friends.

Chloemol · 28/08/2021 20:02

So I would cancel with the in laws, tell them why, and go out with the kids and leave him to it

Dillydollydingdong · 28/08/2021 20:03

It's your turn next weekend!

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